I got a C on one of my final assignments for class... My final grade for that class ended up being a B+, which I guess is... sort of... well... almost acceptable. I don't know if "acceptable" is even the right word. It feels so mild. I feel like I need something that conveys more of a vibe of "I'm on the edge of sanity right now but I'm balanced very carefully on that cliff and I don't think this is necessarily going to be the single thing that pushes me over."

Surprisingly I got a 96% on the other final assignment for the class, even though I was far more worried about that one.

I don't know, I don't feel like I have it in me to care that much. I haven't had a B+ in seven years and it doesn't even feel real. But... I know I didn't do well this quarter. This was the worst school quarter I've had in memory. At least at St. John's the work was just dumb and easy. My problems there didn't have much to do with my assignments.

In brighter news, I got an A on one of my finals for a different class... So that was a relief. The B+ class is the one I hated, anyway. Considering I pretty much had lost the motivation to try, I guess I didn't do badly.

This came up on Spotify, and I tend to skip this song a lot, but it seems better tonight.

"Comedown" by Bush.

There is no blame, only shame
When you beg you just complain
The more I come, the more I try
All police are paranoid
So am I, so's the future
So are you, be a creature
What do you say, do you do, when it all comes down?

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

The quarter is finally over. Now I get a few weeks to rest, and then I have to go back and suffer through another ~10 weeks of school before the next break...

I got a ride from a girl in my cohort because she lives in the Bay Area too, and we drove here over the course of two days. There was snow in the mountains for about half of the drive. I took some pictures of it when we were driving by, but I'm not sure how well they came out. I'm also too tired to upload them at the moment.

It feels really nice to be home, but I also feel kind of weird and spacey, that sort of slightly groggy surreal feeling I used to get all the time after taking a very late nap.

I am listening to this and I feel like it fits my mood.

"Chameleon" by Trentemøller.


Boyfriend didn't come with me, and he's sad and misses me. :( I'm sad that he's sad. I hope he feels better soon. I asked him tonight if he wanted to Skype or talk on the phone, but he never replied... I dunno, I guess maybe he fell asleep or something.

I've been pretty bad at keeping up with blogging recently, but I think it's nicer when I do write on a more frequent basis. Maybe I'll have more energy to write tomorrow.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

"Someone Great" by LCD Soundsystem.

The worst is all the lovely weather
I'm stunned it's not raining
The coffee isn't even bitter
Because what's the difference?

I think these lines do a good job of capturing that feeling of incredulity at the indifference of the environment when something that feels life-shattering happens. It seems senseless that everything else could go on as normal, that the sun could still be shining, that people could be smiling and laughing as if nothing had changed. Of course, nothing changed for them, and of course, you can tell yourself that in rational terms, but it doesn't resolve that emotional feeling of utter injustice at how little notice the world takes of you.

Anyway, that isn't something I feel is particularly relevant to me right now. Just something I've felt in the past that this song reminded me of.

The quarter is almost over... I just need to do three more papers and a presentation and it's done. I can't wait for it to end, I just want to go home and not be here. Not that being here is utterly intolerable... it helps to have my boyfriend as company... but I miss home a lot. Everything feels less comfortable here.

Last night several people were messaging me, so I was managing a few different conversations at once. Boyfriend wanted to watch a show together before going to sleep (he has work today), and it seemed like there was some kind of tension there, because I was dividing up my attention instead of being there with just him. We did end up watching the show after I wrapped up the conversations I was having, but it left me wondering what can be done to resolve that. It's important to me to keep in touch with people, but I'm not always sure how to balance that with romantic relationships. I remember that when my third ex used to come over, I'd often be chatting with people, and would ask him to wait a bit for me to finish. At the time, those people online were the only people I really thought of as my friends, because I didn't have people to hang out with other than my third ex. Maybe I just have social needs that can't be fulfilled by my romantic partner. That doesn't seem abnormal, though... I know some people kind of detach themselves from their friendships when they have a partner, and they just spend all their time with the partner, but I don't think I can do that. I always want to know what the other people in my life are up to.

Maybe it's just curiosity, I don't really know. A girl I went to middle school with recently posted a screenshot saying we should have middle school reunions, and she tagged me in it. I barely know any of the other people she tagged in it anymore, although we were all friends back in eighth grade, but I wouldn't mind getting together and catching up. Just curious to see what everyone is up to, and how things have changed. There's never enough time to get to know other people, though. Too many responsibilities and things in the way.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just nosy, but that concept is fairly foreign to my experience. I know what it means in theory, but it's not really something that I've encountered, I guess. Most of what I remember from growing up was that everyone was a bit distant and didn't care to know too much about anyone else. It has generally been very surprising to me when someone shows interest in someone else's life.

I'm just procrastinating by writing this, so I'm going to try to work on my stuff now.

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

From a social learning theory (Rotter, 1954) point of view, burnout might be conceptualized as the state in which one's minimal goals are too high and are not changed in response to feedback.

The symptoms of burnout have been described as depression, cynicism, boredom, loss of compassion, and discouragement (Freudenberger and Robbins, 1979). The research on burnout among therapists suggests the following as contributing factors: professional isolation, the emotional drain of always being empathetic, ambiguous successes (Bermak, 1977), lack of therapeutic success, nonreciprocated giving and attentiveness (Farber and Heifetz, 1982); and failure to live up to one's own (perhaps unrealistic) expectations, leading to feelings of inadequacy or incompetency (Deutsch, 1984).

Well, this strikes a chord.

What do I do about it, though?

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

I had a really nice Thanksgiving, with no sensory overload this time.

Only had to make two dishes this year, because my mom wanted to experiment with the mashed potatoes, so she and my cousin handled that. I just made mac and cheese and spinach kale ricotta pie, which my boyfriend helped with. He'd never made pie crust before, but he picked it up quickly. :)

After we finished cooking, boyfriend and I hung out in my room a bit while he set up a game on his laptop, and then we went out for a walk. We went to my elementary school and walked around the playground. It was clear and sunny outside, and a bit brisk, but not too cold. The weather was comforting.

Fro called me while we were out and asked if my parents drank wine, because she wasn't sure what to get them as a host gift, but I told her not to worry about it because she was already bringing a pie and ice cream anyway. She said she'd be over in fifteen minutes, so boyfriend and I walked back home.

Then... Fro and Mike came over, and we hung out in my room for awhile, until dinner was ready and the rest of my family came over. My mom asked everyone to write something they were thankful on an index card anonymously, so that we could later shuffle the cards and everyone would read someone else's. I wrote that I was thankful for "good listeners who don't interrupt you in the middle of what you're saying."

We made wayyyyyyyyyy too much food for everyone to eat, even though we had seventeen people. When the leftovers were gathered on the table, it looked like we hadn't even eaten yet. >.> It was good, though. I didn't stuff myself like Mike or my boyfriend, so I didn't get too bad a food coma, but I still felt fairly sleepy. Mike and Fro and boyfriend and I had our own little table to sit around, and we chatted through dinner and for a few hours afterwards, until they went home. It felt really pleasant. Since I hadn't overeaten, I nibbled on things while we talked. Four tangerines and a bit of apple cranberry crumble... Definitely unnecessary after dinner, but they still tasted good. It also just felt really good to talk, and we laughed pretty hard a few times.

I'm pretty sleepy now, but boyfriend fell asleep on my bed and I'm not allowed to sleep in the same bed with him at my parents' house, so I have to wait for him to go out to the living room before I can go to sleep in my room.

Things feel so much better at home.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

A friend asked me for advice today. A friend of her friend has been suicidal for awhile, and my friend and her friend are wondering what to do about the situation.

I asked a few questions about the friend-of-a-friend's situation, and wondered how I got to this point in my life. How did I become someone whom my friends would think to go to for advice in a situation like this? Is the request justified? What do I know about anything?

...What am I even doing?

I looked up an affordable counseling center and linked it. It felt so trivial, so mechanical, so meaningless. It echoed of a feeling I sometimes felt at the crisis line. "Is this even helping? I'm just giving this person a link to something else. What am I doing that they couldn't have done themselves?"

Right now I feel like I'm supposed to be learning how to help people, but I'm not helping anybody at all. I sit in a classroom for a couple hours on half of the days of the week, and my eyes sting from the fluorescent lights, and my ears buzz with convoluted philosophical meanderings. And I keep wondering if this is moving me somewhere, if there is some insight to be gleaned from all this, something that will open me up, help me climb to new heights of being, to be a better thinker, a better listener, a better human in the presence of other humans. I feel like it all makes only the barest of sense. Frequently I get the feeling like I'm not learning anything new, which provokes a sense of "been there, done that," but I'm suspicious of that. Regardless of my feeling, it doesn't seem right to think I might just be more "advanced" or understand better what's going on in my classes than the people around me. My conclusion instead is that there is more to what's happening than I'm conscious of or absorbing. That seems more likely than the highly presumptuous "I already know all of this," at least.

I wish I could talk to my old therapist about what's been going on. He tried to encourage me and suggested that I might find my koi here, but I don't think I have.

Have been getting bouts of nausea recently for unknown reasons, but I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday, so I hope they can help me...

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

Fro called me on the phone tonight, and we talked for a lengthy time. She said that when she visited me over the weekend, she noticed that I seemed severely depressed. This surprised me, as I thought I'd been fairly upbeat compared to usual recently. She said that she knew because my voice had been very quiet, and that it reminded her of when I was very depressed in the past, and had spoken so quietly that she could hardly hear me.

I wasn't aware of this, but it makes sense. She said that she remembered asking me to speak up, and me saying that I was, but my volume not changing, even though I was clearly trying to, and being drained by that effort.

It feels like I've just slowed down in general, lately, like my energy to do anything is almost entirely depleted. Fro suggested that maybe things would be better when I go back home for winter break, and maybe she's right.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!