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Changing gears
Monday. 12.29.14 9:53 pm
I saw you today, but I didn't really see you. I caught glimpses; for all I know you could have been a figment of my imagination. You're just a name in a text; a picture saved from the past, a familiar face in the crowd. I saw you, but not really. Did you see me?

It doesn't feel real, this new job. It hasn't hit me yet. My sleep schedule is still on security time. My wardrobe is a reminder that I didn't think this through too well. I said I was celebrating this past weekend, but in reality I think I was just using that as an excuse to get together with my friends to have a good time. I wonder when it'll kick in that I'm finally on to the next chapter in my life.

I need to go for a drive. A long one. Or a flight somewhere. I need to get away. As excited as I am about this new adventure, the urge to want to escape is equally as strong.

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Deep breaths
Sunday. 12.28.14 5:15 pm
I start my new job tomorrow. It's strange, you know. I just finished up my regular week on Thursday. Friday and Saturday were my normal days off so having today off was just an added bonus. Tomorrow, everything changes.

My alarm will be going off two hours later than what I'm used to. I will be wearing my own clothes, nice ones, and I'll be driving in the complete opposite direction and farther away from what I'm used to. I will be in a building I'm only familiar with because of my ex boyfriend and I'll only be in that building for a day before I move to a building I've only been in once. I will continue working there for the duration of January before I go back to my campus. The campus I'm beyond familiar with; I know just about every nook and cranny of that place. However, I will be in a different setting, approaching with a different mindset.

I will be set up with a headset and placed in front of a computer with several new programs and an evaluation system that actually counts for something. The group of people that I'll be working with, at first, will be completely unfamiliar. Once I go back to my campus, the people will be kind of, but not really, familiar.

I have a new job. A well paying job, with fantastic benefits. This is what I've been trying to achieve for at least the last two years. And now that it's finally happening, I'm having to keep reminding myself to breathe.

My final day at work didn't feel like it. I honestly didn't do any less work than I normally would have for a holiday. I did refuse to help with the patient standby, but they already knew I was going to do that should that situation arise. I got home from work, took what was apparently a much needed nap {I slept for almost 4 hours} and then just hung out until I felt tired again.

Friday I ran some errands. I stopped at the bank, I shipped out a package for my mom, and did some other stuff that I seem to have forgotten about. Yesterday I went back to the store and got stuff to send to my sister for my nephew. He thinks his Christmas gifts are late because of how far away I live. It's ridiculously adorable at how simple my 4 year old nephew can be at times.

After that I met up with a friend of mine and her husband. I picked the wrong day to want to save money on parking because less than halfway on my walk to the place we were meeting, it started raining. It's Seattle, of course there was a chance of rain. There's always a chance of rain here. By the time I arrived at the place, I looked like I had just gotten out of the shower. Except my jacket was soaked as were my jeans.

We celebrated new beginnings; all three of us have some new aspect to our lives and it was a well deserved celebration. We got burgers and drinks and chatted about random topics. After that we made a stop at R.E.I. so that they could act like kids in a candy shop before moving on to a pub and then a brewery. An inside joke was created and became funnier as the night went on. It was a great night.

Today I did some grocery shopping and put gas in my car. 8.2 gallons for $18.14. It was definitely worth the drive up north to get it. And I did so early enough in the day that I was able to avoid the Seahawks traffic. I've just been hanging out since. As time keeps inching closer to bed time, I have to keep reminding myself to breathe.

Just keep breathing. . .

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Salvation in nothingness
Thursday. 12.18.14 4:59 pm
You know that moment when you see someone from your past with whom you had a strong emotional bond and you suddenly realize that you feel nothing? All the power that once controlled you has vacated your person and you're left with this sense of relief.

I felt nothing today; and it felt great.

Apparently not everyone in my department had heard that I was leaving. My bosses still seem to refuse to acknowledge that I'm actually leaving. It's like they're seeing me as the boy who cried wolf. I've been quite vocal over the past two years about my job hunt, but nothing ever came of it. I had that second job for a while, but that was just a temporary thing. Now that I'm finally, actually leaving, they're playing dumb. Either that or the manager actually has someone in mind and is refusing to tell anyone because he's just going to put this new person in with no questions asked. Either way, I find it rather amusing that my direct supervisor hasn't told anyone. He actually changes the subject whenever I bring it up.

I'm really hoping that my hair actually cooperates with me tomorrow. I have to have my picture taken for my new ID and I'd really like for it to look decent. Unlike the one I currently have, where I look like a deer in headlights; just frozen in fear. I washed it tonight in hopes that having it clean will make a difference. I guess we'll find out. Hopefully sleeping on it doesn't completely ruin it from being able to look nice.

5 more days... It's really happening. I'm excited!

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Louder, faster, calmer
Monday. 12.15.14 7:15 pm
The louder the music, the faster the speed, the calmer I get. Blasting the music in to the buds stuffed in to my ears while flying somewhere, I'm pretty sure my heartbeat is somewhere in the 50s. It's the only place where I feel the most at ease. I've never felt that level of ease or relaxation even when I'm cuddled up to someone I love. Sure, I'm comfortable, but it's nothing compared to when I'm on a plane with music blasting in my ears.

I need to find something that will allow me to fly frequently; at least twice a year. The escape from reality; the loss of control, even if only for a few hours. I need to find something that will allow me to travel at least twice a year.

I had to stop at the lab after my shift today to get blood work done for the new job. Working in a medical facility, it's a requirement. I'm not sure why we didn't have to do the same work up for becoming security, but whatever. I wish every job was as simple as that. I'd much rather give blood than piss in a cup. Take as much blood as necessary, poke me as many times as needed; still easier for me than peeing in a cup.

I have 8 work days left. I'm excited and nervous, but mostly relieved. It's a relief that I won't have to deal with the annoying and idiotic bullshit or lack of morale that comes with my current job. Despite all the drama that I've heard about throughout the company that I'm going to be a part of, it's still a major improvement from what I've been doing and a lot of people do actually still like their jobs and the company they're employed by. This is a stepping stone for me. If I do end up making this a permanent career, I'll continue to move up the chain as far as I can until I've reached a point where I would be okay stopping. The moment I get bored or feel the challenge slipping out from under me, it's time to continue on up the ladder. I can't, and won't, let myself get to where I am at this moment.

Is it May yet? I need to fly again.

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Notice of resignation
Saturday. 12.13.14 9:01 am
I tired not to overreact except I started to over-think. And over-thinking led to slight panic and a lot of self-doubt, none of which was necessary.

The reason the manager hadn't called me back by the time she stated she would was because she was out of the office, in meetings all day both days. She contacted me yesterday, just as I was texting someone else that I was beginning to think I hadn't gotten the job. I filled out the background check consent form yesterday and I have to go to the lab for a TB test on Monday {it's the only one from the checklist that I don't already have on a recent file.}

I got the job people! After searching for how long? And getting turned down from how many? I got the job! Christmas will be my last day as a security officer. Best Christmas gift ever? I think so.

My boss was pissed; the asshole that he can be. I received word around quarter after 1, went to work, on my day off no less, to give notice so that I could provide them with a full two week notice, rather than waiting until Monday. "You could have told me sooner." is what I was greeted with. Not congratulations. Not way to go. No positive connotations whatsoever. Does he really think that I'd been holding on to that information for several days and I purposely waited until quarter til 2 on Friday, just to make him leave a few minutes later than he wanted? Jerk. I can understand being pissed because of losing the best person they had {not trying to toot my own horn, but it's true} but be happy that I'm moving up in the world.

I fully plan on working my entire final two weeks. I have 32 hours of sick pay so if I suddenly come down with something, I have the available time to call out. If I don't call out sick, then I just lose the pay. The vacation and personal days can be cashed out {and believe me, that's one email that I will be sending out first thing tomorrow morning} but the sick pay just gets swallowed up. Which is fine. I might be more inclined to use it if I had more than 40 hours saved up. Though, this does make me wish I had taken that extra sick day last week ... oh well.

2015 is going to be a great year. It's starting out fantastically.

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Thursday. 12.11.14 7:58 pm
I had a job interview this past Tuesday. I thought it went really well and everyone figured I was a shoe-in for the job. The manager said she'd get back to me either Wednesday or Thursday, at the latest. It is now 8pm Thursday evening and not one phone call.

Paranoia is sinking in deep and I'm really beginning to think that I didn't get the job. My friends are all trying to reassure me that it's just because she got busy and didn't get the time to call me. Which, I suppose is possible, but highly unlikely. If I didn't get the job, I think I deserve to know, rather than just let it sit out in the open until I can't take it anymore and make an attempt to contact the manager for confirmation.

I'm trying really hard not to resort to drastic measures, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do if I don't get this job. I mean, I guess I just keep searching.

I'm not the most patient person in the world {I've gained quite a bit of it since I was younger} and the waiting game is an impatient person's worst nightmare. Even if the answer is no, at least I'd have an answer.

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