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May 2022

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Coming clean
Saturday. 12.9.06 2:47 pm
I raced along an empty highway.
I chased the dawn
And cursed the new day,
Out of town, till nobody was around.

Love came along, my favorite enemy,
We hit head-on.
Why you befriended me... I don't know.
There's no need for letting go
When you've already lost control.

My life is open wide
The more you live, the less you will die.
Outside, floating free,
I'm finally open to see...
Could you be any more comfort to me?

Could you be...

You've figured out the warnings
And the reasons why,
You smoothed me out.
I hope you know there's nothing
I could give,
For showing me how to live.

I don't know how
But you know just how I feel.
Sticking out,
Like a dark horse in a snow white field.
Stirred up by the breeze,
Strong but not at peace,
Free but unreleased.

My life is open wide
The more you live, the less you will die.
Outside, floating free,
I'm finally open to see...
Could you be any more comfort to me?
Could you be any more comfort to me?

Caught up inside, all I wanna be...
Try to survive, all alone,
Outside your company.

Could you be any more comfort to me?
Could you be any more comfort to me?

I told my mom everything. Everything. Ok, maybe not "everything" everything, but enough for her to know how and why. Which is what matters. She took it far better than I would have thought. She's deffinately dissapointed in me but not to the extent I was worried that she could have been. I also told my brother. For some reason lately he's been getting on my nerves - something's different and I don't know what. I'll talk to him when I get home. All three of us decided not to tell my father. He won't find out till after the holidays - because if he found out before hand NO ONE would have a decent holiday. I also don't want to deal with my grandmother when she comes down - love the woman...but she's as snotty as someone can get while pretending not to be. My mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas this morning - I laughed and said 'forgiveness', she returned the laughter and said 'always'. I would have asked for understanding from my father - but there's only so much that one can realistically hope for. I also told her contacts. She said that's a good idea. For the past year or so everyone has been telling me that contacts would be a good idea. *shrug* No harm in at least giving it a shot right?

I'm still undecided about staying in Denton or returning to Laredo. It seems to me that Denton is the most probable - financially and scholastically. I don't want to risk returning home and never mustering enough courage to venture back out again. Not that that seems likely in the least bit, but I tend to worry - alot.

Finals are this week. My first is on Monday and then I have Russian History on Thursday along with World History on Friday. I have alot to do between now and when I go home. Take finals, meet with advisors, check on deadlines of all sorts, see what'll happen with my apartment....stuff in general. I also have to send out the RSVP to Lauren's wedding and find a dress. I mean, I have dresses - but due to finals and lack of funds - they don't fit anymore which is *bliss*.

Christmas is upon us as well. I haven't felt the force of it seeing as the only christmas decorations i've come in contact with have been a christmas tree in the window of one of my neighbors, and lights that I randomly see around town. I'm not sure I'm going to have enough money for decent christmas gifts this year - but I have a relatively decent idea. I just hope I can find the time and effort.

I believe somehow someway - I'm silently going insane. I can't make sense of it - and I can explain it in even less sense than it makes in my head. See, I'm not even sure that was a decent sentence. I want to write it down, but before I start complaining to the vast nothingness that is the internet I'd like to make a fool of myself in the real world....or do i? sense sense sense - how you elude me to end. I hate you.

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hey, we can hide the bodies on the ride home
Thursday. 12.7.06 9:48 am

1. To bar for a period from a privilege, office, or position, usually as a punishment: suspend a student from school.
2. To cause to stop for a period; interrupt: suspended the trial.
3. To hold in abeyance; defer: suspend judgment. See Synonyms at defer1.
4. To render temporarily ineffective: suspend a jail sentence; suspend all parking regulations.
5. To hang so as to allow free movement: suspended the mobile from the ceiling.
6. To support or keep from falling without apparent attachment, as by buoyancy: suspend oneself in the water.

I'm going to be suspended from school. Why? Multiple reasons. Because when I first moved back up I was *so* excited about being away and seeing what few friends I have up here that I put them in front of school. By the time I realized what I had done/was doing the semester was halfway over. I've worked to make it up, but in the end it was *still* too little too late. It's the same thing that happened last spring - albiet my 'oh shit we're screwing up' spidey sense kicked in FAR earlier this semester, it won't be enough. The classes that I'm in, the classes that I actually went to - I'm going to pass. I'm going to do rather fine in, actually. But, in october I was going to drop these 2 classes - an Astronomy lab and my Literary Analysis class. I missed the withdraw deadline. So now I have two floating peices of crap. Those two F's are going to be enough to get me suspended. I'd have perform a literal miracle and receive 2 A's in order NOT to be suspended. While there is a possibility - it's nigh impossible.

The big deal about this (besides the whole ya know...can't go to Univeristy anymore) is the fact that my parents will not be pleased. This is a 'duh'. They made it clear in no uncertain terms before I returned to Denton that should I not pull through this semester there would be repercussions. The punishment for not passing my classes would be my untimely return home. This whole time I've been freaking out about it. About how badly I don't want to go home. It's true, I don't want to go home. I fought too hard for too long to leave that place simply to return. I talked to my best friend about it. Together we came up with a game plan as to how I might be able to convince my parents to let me stay up here. I'd have to do everything myself (which I have no problem with) and things would get rough - but it's completely doable.

But, last night as I lay in bed I began to wonder. It's been on my mind for a little while as well. Why is it that I don't want to go home so badly? Is it because I have so many friends up here? No, I have few friends. The ones that actually live in town I hardly ever see. Is it because I'd be missing out on all the grand times and inside jokes? No, like I said - we hardly see each other. Is it because it would make me feel like less of a person? No, so I messed up. Everyone does it. Is for reasons that shall remain unnamed? Does that have anything to do with it? I'm unsure. That in and of itself makes me very worried and causes this sensation in my gut to RUN home.

Maybe this is God's way of directing me. There was no real reason for me to not accomplish everything this semester. It's just a stupid mistake that's going to bring me down. Maybe what I need is a step back. 5 months. That's it. 2 months more than summer. If I go home maybe it'll be the break from everything that some how i've been missing. It could be the step back and the re-charge that I've been needing. Since I've started going to college/univeristy I haven't taken a single semester off (summer sessions included). I mean, either way i'm going to get a break, but should that happen here in denton or back home?

If I stay in denton I'll stay with my friends up here and I'd have to work quite a bit to make rent and bills. Not to mention food - eh, who needs food lol. I could continue taking classes (probably online) from TCC; more than likely no more than just one class; but it would keep me going with school. There'd be alot of stuff that I would have to do and go through in order for this to happen, but like I said - I don't mind a bit of it and it is completely doable. If I go home, there's still stuff to take care of - but it's mostly financial. Mainly, breaking my lease. The main reason I don't want to do that is because **when** I return in the summer it would be really nice to have a place to return to. If I go home then I really wouldn't have to worry about anything. It's not something that I'd be overjoyed with - but in the vast scope of things, going home isn't the end of the world and it isn't the end of me. This isn't how I go.

The main reasons I don't want to go home is my family. They're also the main reasons I wouldn't mind going back. Family can be weird like that, lol. My home situation isn't the best. My dad tends to be emotionally abusive and my mom tends to have really high expectations. The one sure good thing about home is my brother. I love that kid.

So, this is where I stand.
I'm going to be suspended and I'm not sure wether I should go home and slip back into the security and love without condition that is my hometown....or if I should break away, do my own thing and stay in Denton struggling happily. I'm not sure I'd be completely unhappy should either or come to pass. They both have enough pluses to where it would be a positive thing to happen to me.

If you're of the praying kind - I wouldn't exactly say 'no' to you mentioning me during this coming week of finals. FYI, ;)

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I didn't come this far
Tuesday. 12.5.06 4:13 pm
for you to make this hard for me.

I got some news today. I've been trying to figure stuff out and I got a bomb thrown on me.

If I thought I had been doing some changing before, if I thought that this past stuff was rough...I believe I'm in for a surprise. Alot's gonna happen to me in a very short amount of time, and it's gonna happen soon.

He's right. I'm not lost. I know where I'm going and where I want to end up. I've got stuff to work towards and for. It's the middle part where I'm having issues. I don't know why that wall is there or why it's so thick. Maybe we're all in need of a forrest fire. You know...a forrest fire. When the forrest begins to choke itself with weeds and too many trees, so they set fire to it. They clear it out so that it can begin again and be healthy in the end for it.

I've got some stuff to learn. I need to learn it fast. But the stuff I gotta learn has always been the hardest for me. In every way it's always been the hardest. However, I know once I accomplish this the rest will be pretty decent smooth sailing. Not only do I have stuff to learn; but even more so, I have stuff to let go of. Previous points of view and ways of thinking, frames of mind and ways of life that I have to alter.

There are things I have done in the past that I can't do anymore. There are ideals that I simply can't live up to anymore. It's hard. It's hard to imagine and it's difficult to believe but it's true and I need to believe in it. I have to because what I'm doing now isn't right - hasn't been right. It felt right and it seemed right but in the end if it's good then it wouldn't be so bad for me as this is.

gah! my eyes hurt.

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this isn't it
Saturday. 12.2.06 8:07 am
I couldn't sleep-
Too much on my mind and heart.
Things aren't making sense-
Yet, there's no doubt in them.

"She wondered, faintly, if it was immoral to raise children in the habit of hope.
Was it not, in the end, all the harder for them to adjust to the reality of how the world worked?" - Elphaba

I wish I could say more
In some ways - I wish i could say it all.
There's no point to it though.
It'd just be myself talking in circles:

p.s. (a few hours later) I watched the sunrise today. I figured something out as well.

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