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one whole day in hospital
Wednesday. 6.16.10 11:00 pm
i have been in the hospital whole day with her. she's ok today. except a few tummy aches now and then but no more super frequent toilet visits. haha.

i spent the whole day with her but half the time she is sleeping and i was all by myself playing computer and watching tv. let's hope she will be total ok by tomorrow. she missed her exams today though. shall hope everything will be super ok and as she wish tomorrow. :D

i need to start studying for my next paper already. sigh. last and the hardest paper. i can't afford to fail anymore. really really can't afford to fail anymore. and before my first paper, i am foolish enough to tell myself i don't want to stay alive anymore if i fail any of the papers again. life's such a struggle. but she gave me a reason to want to continue struggling. i am getting happier and happier each day and now, i shall tell myself that i can pass if i try hard enough. and i am trying right? so it's so much better than to just think about suicide.


let tomorrow be a better day, then today. everyday. :D

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i am sad......
Tuesday. 6.15.10 2:55 am
she got a super serious case of food poisoning and she admitted herself into the hospital. and i can't stay with her at night because the nurse say i can't. so i am back alone in this room. at least i got my fishes to accompany me. she must be so lonely and painful right now. she was shivering and in cold sweats before she went to the hospital. emo.

my dinner is KFC and 2 piece chicken made me want to puke. not that the food is nasty. it's just that i think the fever few weeks ago had reduced my appetite. like a lot. there was once me and my roomie finish 2 large pizzas together and now i can't even finish half. sigh... i want my appetite back, though my tummy will have to suffer. ( it look so round right now, i think i have to control my weight before it goes out of control)

i want to be with her right now!!! she would want me to be with her. poor thing. let's just hope she can get some rest and don't have to keep going to toilet all the time. she visits the toilet like every few minutes. i think she really should consider camping in the toilet. bring everything you need and just lock yourself in the toilet. it's not as if she have not try that before. sigh. poor poor thing. she got a super super sensitive tummy. and i need to lose some weight. no. i just need to lose my round tummy. she said she is going to abandon me if i lose anymore weight. now is just acceptable.

sigh. thought i could rest today. but i end up worrying about her. let's just hope she will be fine. she has a test tomorrow and she insist on taking the exam. sigh. health girl! health first! but haha, she got scolded by our friend

'Aud rest! you are in a f**king hospital. so just rest. stop thinking about studies. revise it tomorrow.'

sigh. haha.

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another paper gone
Tuesday. 6.15.10 2:24pm
another paper gone. sigh. i felt suffocated right before the exam but i can't decide if it was because i was running before that or it was because of my anxiety. sigh. and right after the exam, although i am starving (no proper meal since last night till now), i thought i could just collapse and sleep on my bed (deprived of sleep too). but she was there almost crying in pain. sigh. she said she got food poisoning and started talking about conspiracies of my friends trying to kill her. sigh. somebody tried cooking and made her tried the experiment. sigh. poor her.

there are times when i am depressed and i don't dare to go look for the counselor. she's kinda scary. the last time i remember seeing her, she was more worked up than me when she realised i got depression. as if if there is a super potion that can cure me instantly, she is ready to go get it even if it's in some remote corner of Earth. She is too enthusiastic and it feels rather scary. it always feel like she is ready to drag me to somewhere to start working on my problems. and she insisted on ideas all the time. 'Dance! make sure you dance! or do any exercise when you feel sad!' <--- she said it with super big and serious eyes and body ready to dance with me. i am scared of her... ...

and she always ask what do i really want when i go look for her. she said since i go and look for her, it would means i want help and she keep asking me how she can help me... ... i know i am depressed... ... i just need somebody to talk to... ... that's all. there are times she is so aggressive that i just want to run out of the counseling room. but sigh... ... she looks new to that profession i really don't want to hurt her... ... i don't dare to tell her too. i am afraid she might take it too hard. sigh.

Dear Dear is the best!!! haha. :D i like it when she hugs me tight and at times wait patiently just for me to kiss her. :D she is the best!!! hahahaha

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Day 1 again
Monday. 6.15.10 3.27am
it's another day 1 here again.
the last time i am here, 2 years ago.
insanity. i actually left here for so long.
but then again, wow.

final exam in 5 hours time
i am only halfway through my studies
and then i am blogging.
and cleaning my blog.
i decided i shall have a new start
so all those posts that existed here,
are deleted.

i feel so bad
i should be studying
but i am procrastinating
because i am really tired of studying
like really really tired.

but still, i am glad
my 2 guppies are still alive
chasing each other in the big tupperware i put them in
the original home broke
but they seems to be enjoying in their new home
just can't figure them.
for the last few weeks
i have been trying to keep fishes
but they just keep dying on me
had to see them struggle before they die
i feel so bad.
but i am so so so happy
these 2 are still alive.
please, stay alive longer.

the last part.
i am together with somebody
but i need time
before i can start telling people
i am with her.
and i felt so bad
because it's unfair to her
and it's selfish of me to keep her hidden
but i am trying
i am telling my friends
one by one.
sigh. i am sorry.
blame it on the first try.
i told my good friend and she almost killed me
so i don't dare tell anyone
but i shall tell another friend tomorrow
let's try telling one person per day
it will work. many would soon know.
i hope.
i wish i have more courage...

bye bye.
need to study again.

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