The beginning of winter was exceptionally warm here on the east coast. So warm, in fact, that mother nature apparently felt bad about forcing us to endure so much sunlight. The guilt finally seemed to penetrate her barren heart this week. As an apology, she decided to spend this entire week compensating for her mistake by dumping more cold on us than we could ever want or deserve. However, at the moment, I look favorably upon our plummeting temperatures because:

A) It's more like normal winter. We seem to have staved off disastrous global cooling for another year, which is good because I can continue to tell myself that "global climate change" is just another piece of absurd liberal propaganda disseminated by a conspiracy dedicated to boosting Al Gore's movie sales.
-and-
B) I'm going skiing this weekend, and temperatures have been low enough for the mountains to keep the snowguns rollin' all week.

Many of you have probably never experienced the adrenaline rush that comes from tearing down a mountain at high speed with one or two sleds strapped to your feet. The rest of you probably have experienced it, and you've probably experienced it with only one foot-sled. Yeah, you're probably all snowboarders.

So, why do I continue to use skis when all of the other whippersnappers my age have moved to snowboarding? Snowboarding makes doing tricks easy, and it looks cooler. How could I resist such a clearly awesome trend?

Well, I would say that I'm an individual and I'm fighting the man. Unfortunately, however, I'm a spineless conformist. I would tell you that I'm afraid of the dangers inherent in learning a new sport, but as we all know I have no fear.

The truth is, I'd like to conform to snowboarding, I'm just too lazy. Thus, I've elected to wait for skis to finally lose the war against snowboards and go out of style... so they can reemerge a few years from now as that sport that only a few awesome people still know how to play, like telemark skiing. Then I can conform to the trend of being different, and at the same time fulfill my instinctual laziness.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to trend-set.

Thank you, that is all.

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At some point or another, we've all felt it. That brief sense of admiration, or that sharp tinge of jealousy that comes from noticing someone who is significantly cooler than oneself. It is a psychological phenomenon universally manifested throughout all cultures of mankind, and according to recent studies is most often elicited by people wearing dark sunglasses.

A truly good pair of dark sunglasses will announce to the world "I know much of life and wisdom, but I'm sure as hell not about to share any of that knowledge with you." This is perfect for the average citizen who suffers from complete ignorance in regard to life and wisdom.

However, as powerful as dark sunglasses are, one needs skill and practice to wield them effectively. When not operated under the careful supervision of a trained connoisseur of dark spectacles, they can backfire and ultimately wind up communicating an accurate sense of your true personality (not a good thing).

Thus, out of pity for all the nude faces out there, I have decided to put together this brief guide to help you all avoid a few common rookie mistake and make the most of your dark shades. Please read carefully.

Lesson One: The Sunglasses
An integral part of your image will come from the actual sunglasses which you choose to wear. This decision presents you with two choices. You may elect to wear a simple pair of retro "dark" sunglasses (pictured on left), or you may opt to go for a more exotic pair of mirrored shades (pictured on the right).

<------------------->
WARNING: Under no circumstances should you attempt to wear sunglasses that contain even the slightest trace of a lighter color. This will be perceived by others as indicative of a meek personality (which we cannot allow them to realize you have). See example below.


Pictured Above: Kim Jong Il, tyrannical leader of communist North Korea.
The dictator's recent decline in popularity among Americans has been
largely attributed to his taste in eyewear.

Lesson Two: The Background Music
An integral part of the dark sunglasses experience is the background music. You may have noticed that in every movie which portrays cool people wearing darkened shades, there is always some sort of cool theme song in the background. Note the below example, from the movie Reservoir Dogs:


Adding background music to one's life is no easy task. Ideally, you would carry a boombox with you set to loop some sort of cool movie soundtrack. However, due to the impracticality of this option, most connoisseurs of dark sunglasses train themselves to enter rooms only when music is already playing in the background, or otherwise wait for someone to turn on some appropriate music before making their entrance.

Lesson Three: The Badass-Factor
The hardest part of the dark sunglasses act is to pull off the Badass-Factor, or "badassedness" if you will. Your dark sunglasses will make you look cooler, but its no free ride. In order to unleash their full potential, you're going to have to prove yourself worthy. The best way to do this is through some sort of bad-ass unrealistic stunt, or "Badass-Factor" as we professionals like to call it.

Below is an example of a good action badass-factor for novice sunglassites. Note the skillful incorporation of background music (as per lesson 2).


This concludes today's lesson. If you wish to learn more about the wonderful world of sunglasses, drop by your local movie rental and pick up a copy of The Matrix. Just make sure its the original, because the rest of the trilogy sucks.

Thank you, that is all.

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This weekend's message of inspirational life-lessons, brought to you by MoDS:



Thank you, that is all.

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I just finished watching Red Dawn, a 1984 movie about.... well, you can probably guess. Basically, the Soviets invade America with paratroopers on passenger planes. Their first target: a high school out in the middle of nowhere. What were their strategic goals for attacking a high school? I don't know, its an 80s movie. But it did provide a perfect segway for a few teenagers to escape the killing field to the nearest gas station, pick up weapons, ammo and food, and head out into the mountains to become resistance fighters.

Now, when I instructed my Tivo to record this movie, I was expecting a beautiful work of pure republican-style adrenaline rush. A demonstration of how good ole' American ideals and lax gun control policies can overcome any obstacle. Something to blot out the liberal propaganda of recent memory with a firm reminder that the enemies of our great nation are, by nature, inherently cruel and evil people who engage in daily worship of almighty Lucifer (or his atheist/socialist equivalent).

I was sorely disappointed. All the movie did was keep on reiterating that war is hell, and that it messes with the heads of our youths. One of the commies was even a good guy! Albeit, a Cuban. I guess I can forgive the filmmakers for that much, at least they never claimed that Russian communists were capable of understanding human morality and emotion.

Anyway, I'm off to watch Rambo III, and hopefully restore my faith in this great nation. Few things can get the patriotic juices flowing faster than Sylvester Stallone aiding Afghani freedom fighters in their battle against generic communist caricatures.

Thank you, that is all.

PS: Wolverines!

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Just this past Wednesday, American cities came under siege from multiple flashing LED incarnations of earth's greatest enemy... the Mooninite.



Actually, it wasn't much of a siege at all. Just the work of an Adult Swim marketing firm, hired to put up the Mooninite's visage around cities as a promotion for an Adult Swim show (Aqua Teen Hunger Force, of which the Mooninite is a character).

Unfortunately, Boston didn't get the joke. Instead, the city was brought to a virtual standstill while bomb squads investigated the mysterious black boxes of protruding wires and flashing lights that were appearing all over town. The damage to the city's economy was estimated at approximately $500,000.

Thankfully, the two gentlemen responsible for placing the Boston lightboards (see video on the left) were able to defuse the rage of the Bostonians with a polite apology. By which I mean, they called a joking press conference where they refused to talk about anything except their hair, and hair-related history.



Lightening the mood with their jolly banter, the two youths managed to inspire mercy in the hearts of their fellow city dwellers. Now, they only face up to five years in prison. In the meantime, they're out on $2,500 bail until the trial.

Good luck you two!

Thank you, that is all.

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I was deprived of cartoons as a child. My parents were the kind of people who considered "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" to be the slang translation of "School Shooting for Dummies", a how-to docudrama on the intricacies of juvenile delinquency. PBS and the other public broadcasting stations were granted a strict monopoly over my television viewership.

Don't get me wrong, the idealism of PBS shows like Arthur and Barney were all well and good, but they were really meant to be taken in moderation. Yes, its good for kids to hear Barney talking to them about how wonderful it would be if there were peace on earth. But its also important that our children learn the more realistic perspectives of shows like T.N.M.T. (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). Our kids should know that the only thing protecting their fragile peace of mind from the onslaught of generic supervillains is a band of mutated amphibians well-versed in the martial arts.

Whippersnappers these days are naive enough as it is, the last thing we need is some purple dinosaur prancing around our TV screens and lulling the next generation into a false sense of security. After all, we're not exactly treading lightly through history at the moment. The military, the economy, and our culture all seem on the verge of collapse. We're going to need those kids in razor-sharp mental condition to fight their way out of all of those future-problems while our future-selves kick back and play relaxing games of holographic shuffleboard in our retirement homes.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to empty some aerosol cans into the ozone just for the hell of it. As far as I'm concerned, if those kids want a Barneyesque world of ideals, they're gonna have to earn it.

Thank you, that is all.™

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