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Memores acti prudentes futuri


No shadows will replace the warmth of your contact
love is dead in Metropolis
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
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Bad dreams
Saturday, March 12, 2016
It seems like no matter how much sleep I get, I still feel tired.

I keep having dreams that it's raining and I'm driving somewhere, and I realize I'm alone in the car, and I'm going way too fast, but I can't control it. Maybe I've been having these dreams every time I sleep and just don't remember all of them, but that's why I wake up with anxiety.

Watched this on Future Shorts and thought it was sweet. It's a different side of old age than the one I see when I do my hospice visits.



I feel like I might be sick or something, because I've been feeling congested and mentally foggy for the past couple days. Kind of starting to get a headache now as well.

---Edit---

Good thing for today:
-I had a shift at the crisis line today, and one of the callers told me that he thought my voice was nice. He said it was very soothing, and that I sounded present and compassionate. The poor guy was going through an awful time, so I'm glad that the sound of my voice was apparently calming to him.

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Almost had more excitement I didn't need
Friday, March 11, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 10 hours.

At work this morning, they put us on lockdown because the police were chasing a guy and he ran into the sanctuary at the church. This was the first year where I wasn't working in the sanctuary (the nursery is in the same building as it), so I didn't come directly into contact with him, but still, nobody was allowed to leave until they caught him. If this had happened last year, or if I hadn't been moved from the nursery to a different room, it's very likely I would have seen him... I used to push babies around in the stroller in the lobby between the nursery and the main sanctuary, so he would have run by me.

Anyway... nobody got hurt as far as I'm aware... I don't know much about what happened, though. My dad thinks he was unarmed, but there were apparently five police cars chasing him, so I wonder if he did something really bad.

Still having trouble eating normally today. I did have a relatively big lunch (though smaller than I normally would have) at Sweet Tomatoes with my dad, but that was the only real meal I ate today. I had a Clif bar before going to work, and a small amount of leftover spaghetti tonight, but not really enough to qualify as dinner. It was... maybe about a quarter of the amount I would typically eat.

Good things for today:
-I got admitted to grad school. Unfortunately I can't seem to be able to feel positive emotions at the moment, so I'm not really excited or happy about it. Kind of just like "oh, yeah, I guess I got in."
-They had grilled cheese focaccia dippers at Sweet Tomatoes, and they tasted good. I'm not sure what they put on them though-- something like buttered breadcrumbs, maybe.

It's really a struggle to think of good things when you can't feel happy.

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I wish I could wake up without feeling panicky
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours.
Total this week: 9 hours.

I did go to the gym yesterday and Tuesday, but was too exhausted to say anything about it. I had a hard time getting through my classes today, too. My legs hurt a lot, and I didn't really have the mental clarity to follow along well in Turbo Kick. I'm not sure why, but I felt lightheaded at times and kind of dizzy, and wondered if I would pass out (I didn't).

I've had a lot of physical anxiety over the past few days, but I think depression is setting in now too. It's hard to tell how much the fatigue factors into that. Lack of appetite is probably exacerbating things, too. I was hoping that keeping up the exercise would help prevent depressive symptoms from cropping up, but I guess it's not enough.

My dad is encouraging me to try driving again, but I haven't been able to even get into a car without my heart rate going up a lot and my chest tightening. I technically can drive, but I just have to deal with difficulty breathing while I do, and I've only driven once since the accident (with my dad in the car).

Well... on the plus side... depression is overriding the anger. Maybe I should count that as a good thing.

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I'm surprised to be alive right now
Monday, March 7, 2016
On my way back from the hospice today, I lost control of the car while going around a curve when I was exiting a highway to merge onto a different highway. I didn't even have time to register what was happening, but I heard myself screaming as the car rolled and the roof bounced off the pavement. It landed back on its tires, and I sat there and just stared out the windshield until I realized that some people had stopped and were calling out to me to ask if I was okay.

All the back windows had shattered, the windshield was covered in cracks, the headlights were coming out, and the front left tire had blown out. My mom thinks that it's possible that there was something wrong with that tire that made me lose control. I don't know.

One of the drivers who had stopped called 911 for me, and the paramedics came very quickly. The police showed up almost immediately after, and asked me what had happened. It was hard to talk to all the people asking me questions because I couldn't stop crying. I feel very numb now, but for some reason I keep crying on and off anyway.

This was the first accident I've ever been in. I thought that my first accident would be something small, like accidentally running into someone's back bumper, not something that totaled the car I was driving. Nobody else hit me, at least, and nobody else was hurt as far as I know, so that's good.

The airbags didn't deploy somehow, and I don't know if things would have gone better or worse if they had. I don't really feel much at all right now. Just tired, I guess. Very tired.

---Edit---

Good thing for today:
-I somehow didn't die. I still don't understand how, but I didn't. When I was sitting on the curb waiting for the paramedics to come, I wondered if I actually had died, and this was just my ghost imagining what would have happened if I'd survived.

I don't know if this is really a "good thing" exactly, but I felt very un-self-conscious about crying in public today. It seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do, considering all that happened. Normally I am extremely self-conscious about crying in front of anyone, even my therapist (I haven't cried in front of him about anything yet, actually), but it didn't seem to matter at all after the car crash, which was good, because I couldn't really stop myself from crying.

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Tomato duck
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 2.5 hours.

Cycle and Bosu Blast today. Esther went with me again, and we ran a bit in the half hour break in between classes. I tried to run a mile at a 7:03 minute pace, level 1 incline, but only got about halfway through before deciding to take a break. Maybe I'll try again some other time when I haven't just taken an hour long cycle class right before.

I had a crisis line shift today, the first in a few weeks. It was pretty uneventful; mostly only regulars called, and I finished Fun Home. There was something comforting about being back in that little office though, just waiting for the phone to ring. I think I missed it more than I realized.

Good things:
-Someone new messaged me on OKC, and we've been talking a little about games, which is nice. So far he seems like an interesting person, but we'll see how it goes. His profile says he's only looking for people to date...

-This made me smile. Life goals?


-I found this collection of parrot gifs on Imgur and am very pleased.

When I went with Esther to Santana Row on Saturday, we saw a few different parakeet-themed items in a Japanese stationery store there, and it made me want to have all the parakeet things. There's a parakeet-shaped void in my life that I sadly cannot fill because of grad school plans.

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Rain rain rain
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 17 hours.

A new record. My friend Esther came with me to the gym today, and we did Cycle Fusion and Body Blast together. Also walked a bit on the treadmill afterwards. A woman came up to me when I went to the locker room between the two classes and asked if I was taking another class right after Cycle Fusion. When I said yes, she was like "Wow! You're really good!" and asked me what the class was like. I told her it wasn't really too bad, and that there were some weights and squats and things like that.

It was raining pretty hard today, but Esther and I went to Santana Row a bit after the gym. She didn't stay very long, though. I ended up looking at a couple more things by myself, and got a new shirt from Loft. Apparently I'm a middle aged lady now, going to spin class and shopping at Loft. Welp.

The power went out for a few hours tonight because of the storm, so I ended up just... sleeping, pretty much, for like three hours. When I woke up, my parents were sitting in the dining room with separate candles and like... reading or something. I think my mom was on her iPad. The lights came back on shortly after. Didn't end up eating dinner until like 9 pm because of that.

Last night was really fun. We decorated cookies, played Dix It, and hung out, and overall it was a great time. I got to catch up with Becka one on one, which was nice. The group wasn't actually that big, though. It was me, Becka, Sean, Alex, and Becka's husband. Fairly intimate! While we played Dix It, we were chatting, and... well, I won't post it here exactly, because inside jokes are always "you had to be there" things, but I guess the phrase "You use the little one to catch the bigger one" will live on in infamy now within the group of people who were there. We were crying with laughter at some points, and Sean pretty much lost it. He was lying on the couch, kicking his feet, and cackling uncontrollably.

Good things for today:
-On my way home from Santana Row I stopped at a different mall and picked up Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by Alison Bechdel. It cost more than it would have if I got it from Amazon, but buying it at the store supports local business, so I don't mind the tradeoff. Anyway, there's also a different feel when you buy stuff in person. I started reading it tonight and am roughly halfway through, so I might just finish it. It's pretty rare that I ever take more than one day to finish a graphic novel anyway. The book is really good, though, and I'd definitely recommend it.

-I also got a smoothie from this place in the mall where I've gotten a lot of smoothies before. I don't know how much longer that mall will be there, and it's kind of strange to think about, because it's been there my whole life and I have a lot of memories from there, but at least it won't catch me by surprise. I walked around the mall, looking at the empty storefronts and the "STORE CLOSING SALES" in the windows, just thinking about how much it's changed. It would be kind of wrong to say I felt happy from doing that, but I guess I felt like... a sense of peace about it. Like, at least I made the trip there and sort of got to say farewell, if this ends up being the last time I ever see it.

-I watched a few videos from BAHfest and was pretty entertained by them. Here's one:


Things in my life aren't perfect, but overall I feel like I'm in a pretty good place right now. I haven't had a seemingly random depressive episode in a pretty long time, and the times I have gotten depressed in the recent past, I had a very clear, traceable reason for it. I guess I don't know if that's really much better, because my strategies for dealing with depression evolved to suit the no-clear-cause kind, but well, at least I kind of know what's going on with me. I feel... pretty stable. And healthy, I guess. I want to be careful not to let this state slip into self-satisfied personal stagnation, though. Really disgusted with people who do that.

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Quick one
Friday, March 4, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 14.5 hours.

So I took it easy today and only did Bootcamp. I'll just add a half hour tomorrow to round things out.

I'm going to see friends tonight! It's been a long time since I've seen Becka, and I need to give her the Christmas gift I got her... >.> It's terrible that I haven't seen her in months. Looking forward to fixing that!

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[Updated]
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours.
Total this week: 13.5 hours.

Bosu Blast, Pilates Fit, Turbo Kick.

Three hours in the sauna classroom, because they still haven't fixed the air conditioning.

---Edit---

Good things:
-Got to hang out with Alex and watch terrible tv.

I normally drive over to his apartment to hang out, and when I got there, there were no visitor spaces, so I ended up parking in a lot about a block away. When I walked over to the apartment complex though, a spot had just opened up. I waited a little bit, debating whether I should go and repark, and then decided to get my car, so I sprinted back to the other lot and drove towards the closer parking... but then a car turned into the lot right ahead of me and parked in the spot I was hoping to get. Was not happy about that at all. I was seriously just staring at the other car in shock and nearly yelled "ARE YOU KIDDING ME" in my car. BUT, I decided to look in the other visitor parking lot there, and a spot was free, so it worked out anyway.

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