Thursday. 9.4.08 4:27 am
I haven't had a moment. I don't have a moment.
Truth is, I probably won't have a moment.
A moment to think, a moment to feel,
a moment to breathe.
Six tumors in her lungs now. She'll have to start her chemo soon. I don't know what this poison will do to her this time.
I wanted my own place. My own home. A place to stretch. A place to call my own, even if it meant having others living there from time to time. I'm not even sure I wanted it to be here. Maybe some other city, some other state. Who knows? Another country. I knew it wouldn't any time soon, but still, I had hopes.
I don't want her to become a burden. She's not a burden.
Yet, my shoulder's do ache from the weight...
Though I'm sure that doesn't compare to what my mom's had on her shoulders.
That's all that rolled down her cheeks as she told me. She wiped them away and went on about her business and I went on to mine.
I had to take a shower. I had to go to work. ...right?
I don't know what to do anymore. She can't keep taking this. The woman's strong. My God, she is strong! But there's only so much 1 person can take. And I just don't know what else I can do for her. I don't know if I can help. And I'm worried as to what will happen if I do.
Could I take on another job and get her to quit her's? Live at her house permanently? Maybe get someone to take care of her and the house.
God, I just want her to rest.
I don't want her to have to keep fighting so much.
I want her to be full of peace and calm.
Just a moment to breathe, God. That's all we ask for.
List of secrets - 2
Wednesday. 9.3.08 6:19 am
I, again, encourage others to do the same. You'll be surprised how freeing it is.
- I have a hard time not staring at people's physicalities, whatever they may be. It's really difficult for me to not look at people who have a lazy eye or moles. I even on occassion find myself staring a women's breasts and men's crotches. Not because of anything sexual. Sometimes people just have odd body forms. Like older women who don't wear good bras so their boobs hang over their stomach. Or men who wear REALLY short shorts, but have a very prominent crotch. It's weird. Or sometimes there's guys with REALLY big butts, almost like a girl's butt. Or people who have funky noses. Or balding, but they force what little hair they have to a make-shift "come-over". At the end of the day, I think I just enjoy how odd and different people are physically. It makes really "gorgeous" people, like models, seem so boring.
- I've been trying to find someone decent to talk to through online chats or craigslist or something, because I've grown bored and relatively lonely. I can never really find anyone.
- When I was little, and my mom was basically my only friend, I used to pray that I would die whenever she did. Now I wonder if God is going to go through with that prayer. Part of me doesn't think so and the other part of me wonders if that would be so bad.
- I've never done any drugs, but sometimes... I feel like just trying ecstacy because I feel that maybe that would make me actually feel more emotions than I usually do.
- One time when I was 13, right after my dad had done something incredibly wrong and jacked up to my mom, I got so mad that I had to literally restrain myself from plunging the scissors I had in my hands into his jugular. I think that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It probably sounds insane, but if you knew my father, you would understand. Just ask Helena.
- On a daily basis I try to figure out where I'm going to move to (Alaska, Australia, Jerusalem, etc.) after I get enough money and pay off everything I need to.
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