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Memores acti prudentes futuri

It's easier to complain
but there is beauty in the mundane
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
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Blue Milk Special
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Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
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Eat That Toast!
The End
Evil Diva
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For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
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Last Train to Old Town
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Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
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Medium Large
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Two Guys and Guy

Wilde Life
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Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
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A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED

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Meat and Plastic
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Passive Aggressive Notes
On entertainment and adventure, briefly
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
I went to see a movie with my friend A. tonight because a local theatre was having a cheap movie night. After the movie ended, we walked outside, and he told me that he had been on acid the entire time and that it made for a very interesting experience. o_O I asked him what it was like and he just paused for awhile, then said "Yeah." So... I have no idea what he was seeing or experiencing. I was kind of concerned because he drove himself home while he was still... high? Under the influence of it? But he said he had only taken one and he would be fine... And he did text me when he got back, so I guess... he was fine... Kind of wondering if I should have checked first to make sure he was okay to drive, though. I feel irresponsible. I wouldn't let someone drive if they had been drinking, but I don't know how acid works or what it does to people, so I just let it go. He didn't seem to have any issues with coordination, but I'm not sure what his cognitive functioning was like, and that's still pretty important while driving... Ugh.

Well... the movie was enjoyable, at least. I've actually seen it before, but it had been awhile, so I forgot a lot of the plot. It was his first time watching it, and I think he had a good time. Usually I recommend it to people if they ask about movies I like, so I feel like it's pretty solid. I forgot that there were sex scenes in it, though, so that felt... really awkward for me. There was a good two feet of space between me and my friend though (the theatre had benches instead of normal seats), and I never get those "secretly attracted" vibes from him, so I didn't feel worried on top of feeling awkward.

This quarter, so far, has been somewhat better than the past two. Although it always starts off okay... I guess I'll have to see how it goes down the line. I'd still rather be home, despite finding some things to like about the area I live in now. That theatre I went to today was pretty cool, and I wish we had some like that back home.

A few fun things aren't really enough to motivate me to stay here, though. I guess I live in my head enough that I don't really feel like I need to go out searching for adventure and excitement. Sometimes I feel like that makes me look boring, but people tend to get the idea that I am interesting and just don't want to talk about it. When I'm asked "What do you do?", I just... don't have a lot to say? I mean, it's such a boring question to me, even though it makes total sense in a way. Theoretically, how a person spends their time should be indicative of their particular personality... right? So maybe it's just the summarizing that's the problem. Saying "I spend a lot of time on the internet" sounds almost intolerably boring. Like, what do you do on the internet? You could be looking at ancap memes for hours (just throwing that out there as an example because I discovered those yesterday and had a good derisive laugh at anarcho-capitalists for about thirty seconds before moving on). I'm not gonna pretend I haven't looked at memes for hours before, but I also won't pretend it's not a huge waste of time and totally unproductive. If I'm spending a lot of time on mindless entertainment it's usually because I'm not doing so hot emotionally or I'm mentally exhausted or something. Both are problematic situations!

No idea where I'm going with any of this. Sometimes I start these entries with a purpose in mind, and then I take like two hours to finish writing because I'm doing five other things at the same time, and by the time I'm done, the entry is... in a pretty different place than where it started. I kind of just write with minimal planning or editing and save my wordvomit here.

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Going back
Monday, March 27, 2017
I guess I gotta go back there
I guess there never was any other answer
And as the freeway hums
The cars go by
And headlights roll across the sky
I'm many miles away
And I can see them spinning through the dark

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Cults, teacher-student interactions [4P]
Saturday, March 25, 2017
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Different times, different standards [4P]
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
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Ad nauseam [4P]
Monday, March 20, 2017
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A little bit about motivation
Sunday, March 19, 2017
I was looking through Brain Pickings today and ended up on this page:

Mary Oliver on the Measure of a Life Well Lived and How to Maximize Our Aliveness

Just thinking about this excerpt from the poem posted there:
You could live a hundred years, itís happened.
Or not.
I am speaking from the fortunate platform
of many years,
none of which, I think, I ever wasted.
Do you need a prod?
Do you need a little darkness to get you going?
Let me be as urgent as a knife, then,
and remind you of Keats,
so single of purpose and thinking, for a while,
he had a lifetime.

In a sense, darkness does help me get going. While I primarily move towards self-improvement, that was spurred by initial feelings of deficiency. Remembering the worst times in my life inspires me to cherish the good times I have and maintain my life enough to avoid anything like the worst times again. If I let the darkness of my life fade, I don't think I'd have as much motivation to live fully.


I saw Get Out with Esther today at the theatre. It was pretty good, but we both wondered about a certain plot point and never resolved the issue we had with it. I was glad for the conversation we had, although I was pretty sleep-deprived since the movie was a bit before 11 AM and I didn't even come home until like 3:30 AM. We talked about racial politics and financial investments and relationships and how it feels when people objectify you with their pity. Later in the day she came to my house for dinner, and we made spaghetti and kofta together, then I showed her my ex keepsakes and some pictures of two of the things I've loved most in my life. There was some sadness involved in knowing that I'll never have those things again, but it was bearable. Still, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever smile again like I did back then.

I have hopes that the hard times won't last forever, but I have an unwavering uncertainty that good times will come back. I don't mean that I think I'll never be happy again, but I always wonder if my most realistic option is a life of minimized pain, rather than maximized happiness. It often feels like I have so much more to lose than I have to gain, and I feel very risk-averse as a result. How much of my life is structured around this idea?

It's almost 3 AM now, and I know staying up this late isn't a great idea, but this time of night always makes me really contemplative, and then I just want to write or mull over my thoughts and memories.

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Thinking better
Thursday, March 16, 2017
I remember when I was 18 and I was just soaking up this stuff like a sponge:

"Critical Thinking" from QualiaSoup.

In retrospect, I feel very lucky that I got into the stuff I did at that age. Things could have turned out a lot differently, and I could have developed in ways I'd consider less positive. That's not to say I haven't messed up in various ways, and I've certainly made a lot of mistakes, but I feel like I started off on a good path. Could've done much worse than getting into rationality and starting to think more critically about the world and myself. Reconsidering my own beliefs and thought processes was pretty key to trying to understand other people (and myself) better, and if I'd never questioned things, I think I'd be... well... less receptive to learning than I am now.

It also helps that I was close to people who challenged me and my worldviews. Kyle figured into that first, and then Max. And my fourth ex certainly challenged me a lot, though it wasn't always in ways I'd consider particularly nice. Still, even if they were hard criticisms to take, I do feel like I grew from them. Trying to be a more reasonable person takes a lot of admitting that you're wrong about things and seeking a more informed perspective, but I'm doing better with that than I used to...

Was thinking about writing a letter which I may or may not eventually send, but I definitely don't feel ready to send something like that yet, despite how long it's been. It would just be an explication of my changing understandings and interpretations of things, and I don't know that the recipient would really appreciate it or care.


Working with my group for school this past quarter has been probably the worst group experience of my academic career as an adult. I spent most of my afternoon feeling enraged at one of my group members for doing a terrible job of her part-- she wrote it in unintelligible run-on sentences with hideous formatting with bizarre random capitalization-- and having to hold back from just losing it and lashing out at her as she texted me dozens of times and emailed me repeatedly about edits to the paper. I feel better now, at least, but ugh, dealing with this level of incompetence and stupidity was making me just unreasonably angry.

I went out and ranted to my dad about this girl and he told me a story about an extremely incompetent guy he had to work with once, who was just mind-bogglingly bad at following directions. I feel like my dad is really funny, but it's hard to translate his humor into words because it relies so much on gestures and expressions/tone of voice. He likes to make videos of himself building projects, but I don't think we have a lot of videos of him just... talking and joking around. He makes the rest of my family laugh, though.

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The window is closing [4P]
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
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