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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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I've missed seeing live music
Sunday, March 5, 2017
The show tonight was awesome! My friend A. went with me, and the show didn't start until like an hour after the doors opened, so we chatted for a bit beforehand. It was quiet enough that we didn't have to yell, so that was cool.

This girl I didn't know played before the main act, and her music was very slow and it was difficult to understand her singing. I felt so sleepy listening to her, and it seemed like it dragged on for so long, though I think she only did four or five songs.

There was a break between her set and the main act, so we chatted a little longer and made a few jokes about how we couldn't understand her singing. The only thing I could really make out was something like "I painted my house" and we speculated that maybe all her songs were just random strings of words.

When the main act started up I felt super excited, although he started off with songs I wasn't that familiar with. The first couple were kind of slow and acoustic and I was worried it was all going to be like that, but it picked up and he started doing songs with more of a beat and had backup musicians to provide more sounds than just acoustic guitar. It wasn't the kind of show where people go all crazy dancing, but there was definitely a lot of head-bobbing and that slight dancing where you alternate moving each of your shoulders back and forth while standing in place. The guy next to me got super into it, though, and was moving a lot within the tight confines of his little space bubble.

I felt really great during the set, the kind of enjoyment where you feel like your whole being is smiling. Really honestly just happy and excited. I kept wondering if my favorite song by this artist would be played, and was a bit disappointed when he ended without playing it... but then we all clapped and cheered and he came on for an encore and he played the song I was waiting for! So that was absolutely lovely. I actually jumped up and down out of glee. I think my friend was amused by it.

It was a fantastic live performance, not like those ones where they take a huge amount of liberty with the song and it sounds nothing close to the album version. I was slightly worried about how my friend would like it, because A. didn't know who the artist was before getting a ticket, and he apparently didn't look him up before coming to the show, haha. A. had a good time though, and he enjoyed the show, so I felt pleased about that.


I've been listening to a lot of songs by The Blow recently.

"Invisible" by The Blow.

And if you won't see me
Shouldn't that mean I am invisible?
Oh oh no
The whole world gets to watch as I go poof
Weird mouth and I'm unclothed and I slowly

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I felt surprisingly good today
Friday, March 3, 2017
Considering it's been 5+ years since I last talked to her, I had pretty much given up on ever talking to Casey again, but she messaged me on Facebook this morning, to my utter surprise. We caught up for a couple hours, which was nice. I had to leave to go to the comic con I got tickets for from school, though, so I'll have to message her another time. I wonder if I'm going to start having the dreams again...

The comic con was... crowded. It was so crowded. And I spent money I really shouldn't have and got a bunch of socks and some comic books. I don't mean those wispy little single issue ones though, I mean the heavy duty ones that are like dozens to hundreds of pages long. My shoulders hurt so much from the weight of my bags when I finally got back to my room! But I don't regret any of my purchases, at least. It's pretty rare for me to regret buying comics, unless they're single issues that aren't very good. When you're paying $4-5 for just a few pages that aren't even that enjoyable, it feels like so much more of a waste.

I walked through the exhibitor tables on two floors of the con before deciding I'd had enough and leaving. On my way back I bought myself a chocolate cupcake with vanilla buttercream and shredded coconut on top. I really like that combination for some reason. My favorite cupcake in San Jose was that kind, too. I did feel a little bad about buying it after spending so much at the con, especially since I don't like to "treat" myself if I don't feel like I have a good reason. It doesn't feel good to needlessly indulge. But... it was a good cupcake, haha. I was surprised that I actually liked the frosting a lot. Usually I prefer the cake and feel okay at best with the frosting, but there wasn't an overwhelming amount and it actually balanced the not-super-sweet cake pretty well.

Let's see... school was serving one of my favorite dinners they have (grilled swordfish with olive butter, "brothy beans", and roasted green beans) in the cafeteria tonight, so I ate there. The swordfish was kinda fatty, but mostly good, although there wasn't as much olive butter as I would have liked on it. I also had a chocolate cream filled cream puff, which in retrospect was a bad idea since I had a cupcake earlier, but... ah... too late now. I think I should probably exercise more or eat a bit less... I'm almost positive I've gained fat and I'm not happy about it.


Last night I had a pretty candid talk with a few of my classmates about some issues we have with one of the professors. That prof has been acting rather unprofessional and making us uncomfortable and we think she needs to take time off to deal with her own problems. I also opened up a little to one of my classmates about how it feels for me to be the only asian person in our cohort and how I am constantly aware of my minority status in relation to just about everyone else. I mentioned taking some time off this quarter and she said "I'll miss you," but later in the conversation she seemed like she had really thought about it and said "you know, I said I would miss you, but I don't even know you" and looked like she felt... troubled by it. This cohort has been pretty weird, everyone immediately acted like we were already close because we have to be together for two years, but I don't feel like we really know each other that well at all. I barely know anything about a lot of my classmates, and I haven't jumped on the "we're all such great buddies!" bandwagon because I don't feel comfortable acting that way when I honestly don't feel close to any of them.

Maybe I'm rationalizing this (since I have a long history of shyness), but I feel like certain formalities just don't fit with my values, so I don't observe them consistently. I do sometimes ask people how they're doing or how their weekend was, but it's often more out of a feeling of obligation than anything else, and if I'm not feeling particularly awkward that day I might just not ask, because well, I don't care how someone's weekend was if I don't know them and don't have a desire to get to know them. I feel like that sounds bad or unfriendly or something, but I just don't want to get to know everyone I come into contact with, and I don't want to spend energy talking to them when I don't care. It feels dishonest. And like, yeah, I know there's that whole "WHOOOAAA, YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT EVERYONE????" thing which for some reason is shocking to acknowledge, but I guess I feel like it's better to just be genuine in my interactions when I can get away with it. And maybe I've always felt this way. Like I didn't see the point in writing thank you notes for gifts I straight up didn't like or didn't want when I was a kid. That one was resolved more by learning to appreciate things and realizing what a difference it made to write someone a thank you card vs. just say thank you to them in person, but still. I know we have these formalities for a reason, and I can understand that there's a value and purpose in phatic communication, but I guess I don't care enough about engaging in the proper social signalling to bother with some things. Or maybe I'm just lazy and rude, who knows.

Really didn't mean to write so much about this, whoops.

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When the silence is for you
Thursday, March 2, 2017
From the article "On the Therapeutic Action of Analytic Love" by Daniel Shaw (2003):
When I first met him, he spoke in a gruff voice, volubly, bitterly, loudly, and without pause for me, even if I did attempt to get a word in edgewise, which I often didn't. He was marvelously articulate about how enraged he felt about everyone and everything in his life. I noticed how often I felt anxious about what I was thinking of saying to him, and realized I feared he would explode with rage and possibly assault me if I said something he didn't like.

Ari spent most of a year splenetically venting, about his wife, his son, his partners, his employees, and so forth. Feeling shut out, I often found myself shuttling between resentment, detachment, and feeling intimidated. Eventually, I understood that I was withdrawing, withholding a necessary confrontation, in retaliation for the narcissistic injury I felt about my perceived lack of effect on him.

(I underlined the last sentence for emphasis)

I think that this is a good description of why I feel like it's important to be honest with people about how I feel about them. I mean, not like "I think you're ugly" or anything like that, but if I honestly think there's something they're doing that is maladaptive or destructive in some way, I feel like it's better to tell them, if I can do it in a sensitive way. Do I always achieve this with 100% success? No, definitely not. DEFINITELY not. You win some, you lose some. Sometimes you lose a lot, haha. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm kind of easily intimidated. But I'm trying. I want to give people a chance to notice what's going on before writing them off.

During a talk with Fro and Becka I think I might have mentioned this. I feel like it's a kind of respect-- that willingness to give people a chance to show that they're capable of something better. I feel like assuming everyone is good is sort of disrespectful in its own way, because well... you have your own ideas of good, and that's not necessarily the idea that everyone subscribes to. Assuming everyone is bad and being a cynic is kind of worse (because you're more likely to withdraw and close yourself off to others), but both of them are hindering in their own ways, because you filter information about other people through them. I'm inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt, certainly, but I guess ideally I prefer to just see how a person reacts to different things before making any lasting judgements of their character.


It's hard to confront people about things, but... I do feel like it's important. Lately I've been frustrated because I feel like people aren't listening to me, and when they interrupt me, don't let me finish what I'm saying, and/or talk over me, I end up just going silent. "If they don't want to listen to me, then I won't try to tell them," goes the line of thinking. But it's a withholding out of resentment, and that's ultimately selfish. A conversation is not just about me and how I'm feeling, it's about both of us. I don't want to enable poor listening behavior in someone because I'm irritated or resentful. That's... well, it's childish, isn't it? I'm not saying that what they're doing isn't incredibly rude (bad listeners are by far one of my biggest pet peeves), but... what am I accomplishing by just letting it pass by unmentioned? That silence could come across as tacit approval, and is that really fair to any of the other people who might be interrupted by this person in the future?

I think often of a story that a friend told me a few years ago about his dad. While I don't remember all the details, the basic story was that the dad works as a speech therapist for school kids, and it's a very tough job. The dad said something to the effect of "I hate my job" (I got the impression that it was because of the difficulty of it, not because the work itself is distasteful or tedious etc.), and my friend asked why he did it, then. The response he got was "if not me, then who?"

I've probably related this story here before at some point-- maybe even around when it was told to me, I don't recall-- but it just sticks with me. I guess I've really incorporated it into my value system at this point. It's relevant to a lot of things, you know? For instance, combating the bystander effect. Instead of going "oh, someone else will do it," you just do it. A silly little example is when a bunch of people are waiting around in front of a classroom. Sometimes I've done this with them without trying the door, only to find that the door was actually unlocked the whole time. Mostly now I just check the door first. In the majority of situations where something like this happens, what do I really have to lose by being the one to take action? Maybe I might suffer a bit of embarrassment, but that's no real harm.

In cases where I'm being interrupted, I think I can handle it if it becomes a bit awkward as a result of me bringing it up... Although it's easy to say that when I'm in the comfort and safety of my room by myself, haha. I know there's more anxiety in the moment. I might need to brainstorm some ways to politely point out the interruption... Maybe let them finish talking and then say "I'd like to finish what I was saying, now" to indicate that I wasn't done. I've been quite frustrated recently and have started to interrupt people back and talk over them (not that it works, because my voice is too quiet to talk over people unless I start yelling), but I don't like doing that and it feels icky to engage in the behavior I find so distasteful. And can I really make a point if I'm not modeling the behavior that I think is respectful, and which I would like others to follow?

I don't know why I've been in such a blogging mood these past couple days, but man, I guess I've been thinking a lot now that I'm not constantly stressed over school. I feel a little more like myself, before everything happened in the past couple years. Or well, maybe two and half, now. Back when I was more optimistic and interested in things, motivated to seek out ways to be better. Maybe I'm finally starting to recover from being hollowed out. Because... that's what it really was, I think. Burnout, yes, but... like those trees you see that burned from the inside out, so there's just a hollow trunk remaining, all blackened when you look into it. Back before my world collapsed into one point and I couldn't see anything else anymore. I hope I'm getting better.

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Unexpectedly relevant [4P]
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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The limits of self-reflection
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
In Hermeneutics today, the prof talked about understanding (which is a recurrent theme through the whole course).

Understanding includes self-understanding, because we don't exist as disconnected modules in the world that have no relation to other things. If I see a pencil on a table, I understand the pencil to be a writing instrument, and the table as a surface to put things on, because these are things that I have been taught, and they exist to me in the way that they do because of my background and cultural context. Self-understanding involves knowing your pre-judgements and assumptions about things, and the context of your perspective. We are historically-situated, meaning that we come from somewhere and are influenced by things, nobody pops out of thin air with all their personality traits, beliefs, values, etc. already included. Context, context, context.

Self-reflection plays into this because we can, through the process of reflection, come to know things better; however, self-reflection cannot help you understand everything. You need external input too in order to reach the truth. Self-reflection can be deceptive; without checking against other people, you run the risk of creating for yourself a false vision of reality. You can't know everything if you just stay inside your head.

("Truth" is not just facts, by the way; certainly facts are an important part of truth, but ultimately truth is reality, which we can know by more than just facts)

So the way that I imagine this all is, quite literally, a reflection-- looking at yourself in the mirror, let's say. When you're getting up close and personal with a mirror, you can see a lot of things, a lot of details that other people aren't necessarily going to notice about you because they're unlikely to get that close. Regardless, you're still looking at a mirror-image, and your reflection isn't an entirely accurate image of how you appear to others. Especially when you're up so close, you don't always see how the whole package comes together. You can't leave yourself and have some kind of 360 degree view of yourself, you're limited to a certain perspective. In this way, other people will always be able to see something that you can't. This doesn't mean you should just indiscriminately listen to what other people say and take it as the truth, but it helps to aggregate some different external perspectives to check them against your own and see how people stand in relation to each other. The keyword here is different; you're not going to get anywhere if you only pick people who agree with you or think things that are in line with what you already believe.

Gotta be careful not to get trapped in a bubble of self-deception. My prof used the succinct phrase: "To understand, you must be willing to be surprised."


I am excited about music things!! I'm not going to that show this weekend by myself anymore, I told my friend A. about it and he said he'd be down to go with me! Also, Jonathan Coulton put his new album up for preorder! I definitely want to get the CD, but I'm trying to decide if it's worth it to get the CD/book bundle. The comic collector in me wants to, but it's not a necessity, and I don't know anything about the story. I'm usually pretty wary of buying comics when I'm not familiar with the artist and I can't look through the book at all...

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An established pattern
Sunday, February 26, 2017
Thinking about a conversation snippet from Saturday when Kyle and I were walking from the train to the airport. I don't remember the exact wording but it went something like this:

Me (jokingly): Maybe I'll go check out that pizza place and I'll be sitting there eating pizza by myself and some handsome, surprisingly compatible rich guy will sit down at my table and start talking to me.
Kyle: That seems kind of bold, not like your type.
Me: What? Why not? What is my type, then?
Kyle: Socially awkward? And abusive?
Me: Yeah well obviously I don't WANT that to be my type.

I mean, he's not wrong, but it still sucks. >_>


In class last week, there was a group presentation that was, supposedly, about culture, but the group defined culture as "an encounter with the foreign" and that just... disgusted me. I felt as if they conceived of culture as some kind of thing that other people have, like culture is what you see in a National Geographic magazine, where all those African tribes are shown in glossy full color in their loin clothes, holding spears. Culture is not "foreign" (wtf???), it's something we're constantly immersed in. You are never outside of culture, you are always a participant in it. I just... I don't know how to express the extent to which I found their presentation meaningless and distasteful. I felt like this incident just amplified my feelings of alienation from the rest of my cohort. I'm just constantly aware that I'm the only person in there who isn't phenotypically white, and I think it definitely impacts my experience in the classroom.

I don't know if all the other people in my cohort identify as American (we do have one guy from Puerto Rico who definitely doesn't, and he's Hispanic but he looks white), but I frequently feel like my core identity isn't American. Obviously I grew up in American culture and I'm not all that tied to my Asian heritage, but I just... am acutely aware that I'm not part of the dominant white American culture. I wouldn't say I really identify as Asian American either, because that comes with its own set of issues, but I don't know that I identify with any group in particular. At the same time, I don't have any issues with group membership-- I think it can be a nice thing to have that sense of relatedness and community with others-- I just don't know what group I fit with. When I'm asked to describe myself, I know the categories that others would put me in (Asian, female, young, educated, etc.), but I don't... think about any of those explicitly, I suppose. When someone asks me to describe myself, what do they want? Individual personality traits? Social roles? Accomplishments? There are so many different selves, defined by so many different things. It's a hard question to answer without knowing what the other person is looking for.

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No pictures, just words about hanging out with Kyle mostly
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Kyle had to leave today because he was having some health issues and felt it was better to be safe and go home than risk something bad happening. It was nice to hang out for the couple days we had, so I was a bit sad he left, but I also think it was the right choice.

Today after therapy I walked over to where Kyle was staying, and we walked around downtown together. Partway through the walk we came across a building that was being demolished, so we watched that for awhile. It was oddly fascinating-- they were using some kind of giant claw thing to grab pieces of the building and pull them down. The claw was at the end of a long arm, and a guy was maneuvering it to grab different bits of the building. It seemed like a very slow process, because while the claw was very strong (it was just ripping through the bricks like they were cardboard), it wasn't very big. The guy operating it was quite deft, though, and it was very interesting to watch him tear out bits of building.

We were on our way to get lunch, so we eventually stopped watching and got food, but we both wanted to go back and watch the demolition more once we were done with that. Sadly the construction crew seemed to be on a break when we returned, so we just went to an arcade instead. That was fun too, though, and we played some different rhythm games. There was one game where we had to hit big buttons to the music, and one of the songs we played was this Mario music mix. The first time we did it we failed pretty spectacularly, but we played again and actually did fairly well, so I'm kind of impressed with our progress.

Kyle started getting a headache, so we went across the street to get him a Coke, and I got a pear mint soda (with a bit of vinegar-- it was really good though). Then... I realized that I was missing the cover to one of my earbuds, so we went back to the arcade and I found it on the floor. It never ceases to amaze me that I haven't lost one of those little covers yet, considering how frequently they fall off (literally every time I use them). It's pretty annoying, but the earphones still work, so... I guess I'll just deal with it...

After that, we briefly contemplated trying to watch a movie before realizing that there were none we could make before Kyle had to leave for his flight, so we just went back to his room and watched a few episodes of Louie, which was nice. Around 5ish we walked to the train station and I rode with him to the airport, and we had some extremely mediocre and overpriced "charcuterie" plate (that is to say, cheap salami and cheese with some lame water crackers for $15.40). I would never get it again, but at least I didn't feel hungry after eating the cheese.

I made Kyle take pictures of us together with his phone because I don't have any pictures of us together, and the only one he has is from like 2010, so it's about time we have a picture, considering we are BEST FRIENDS AND ALL. >:C Unfortunately several of the ones he took had a beauty face filter applied to them, which neither of us noticed because I don't care enough to closely examine pictures after they're taken in order to see if I like them or not, at least not when I'm taking pictures with other people. Oh well. The one we got at the airport didn't have that silly filter applied, at least.


Tonight I was listening to music and thinking about the show I'm going to next week, and I imagined being there by myself. Something about that image threw me a distance from myself and I suddenly found it very bizarre that I'm confined to this one physical body and I'll never experience anything from any other perspective. I felt like I was imagining myself as if my body were a miniature in a shoe box, and it was startling to think about how vulnerable and small that body really is. If something bad happened to that body at the show or walking back, then that would be it, that's all of me gone. It was like realizing that knocking a chess piece off the board would end your existence. I don't know why that seems to be a bigger deal right now than it is usually.

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Kyle's here!
Friday, February 24, 2017
"I Can Hardly Make You Mine" by Cults.

I don't think I can make it
Can I owe you one?
Staring into the days
Like a loaded gun

Well I can hardly make you mine
Tell it to you all the time
But you never wanted what
You had to take

So I could never give you up
I guess that this is just a crush
For the end of the long day
And when I wake

Well I know you're not the one and the only
But we both know what it's like to be lonely
Well these fantasies they left us wanting
But just bring all your love back to me
I guess for now it's just how it will be

The feelings aren't as bad as they were for a long time. I keep thinking that I'm doing better and then feeling like I'm falling down again, though, so I'm hesitant to proclaim that I'm getting over it "for sure" or anything.


In happier news, I had a good time hanging out with Kyle today. This is the first time he's visited me since 2010, and we walked around a bunch and went to the aquarium, which was cool. I also found out that Jens Lekman is going to be playing here, so I got tickets, and I'm very excited for that, even though I'll have to go by myself unless I find someone on fairly short notice to go with.

We got unusual (but very nice) ice cream in the early evening (bad timing, because it was before dinner). I got pumpkin, which was not pumpkin spice like I had been expecting, but was this really lovely almost fruity pumpkin flavor, and Kyle got some kind of weird cheese ice cream. I wasn't brave enough to try it, but he said it was really good. The roughness of the waffle cone against my upper lip kind of chafed it, though, and now my lip is sensitive at the edges. :( I forgot that this happens sometimes if I'm not careful about how I eat things.

Some pictures from recently-ish and today:

I feel like I could stick this on 85% of the guys on OKC and it would be honest.

Really amused by the name of this for whatever reason.

Dead pigeon. :(

I said this fish looked kind of dead and lifeless. Kyle said this fish looks like how he feels on the inside.

My landlady still hasn't come back and I'm not sure if I should try to contact her again...

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