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the politics of Christmas
Tuesday. 12.26.06 2:26 pm
I'm going to rant. It's going to be stupid. If you'd rather not hear about it then skip on down a bit.

Christmas. It's supposed to be a time of good feelings, love, warmth, and lovely feelings. Did my family miss the memo? For years, I've wanted to celebrate Christmas with JUST my family unit (i.e. Mom, Dad, Eddie and I), but it's not to be. It's not that I mind having my family around - it's just....dramatic, tense, and uncomfortable.
Firstly, there's my uncle. I love this man. He's one of the coolest, most cultured yet funny human beings on earth. While he was here he offered to take me to 2 concerts this upcoming new year. Pink Martini (a band he himself introduced me to) and John Mayer (he's taken me and my friends to the past 2 concerts he's had in San Antonio). He's also taken my brother and I to the symphony and he's just in general a real cool guy. However, he and my father HATE each other. The whole time they're together they do nothing but be INCREDIBLY passive agressive at each other. Which leaves my mother and I torn. It's really obvious she never knows wether or not to take her brother or her husband's side. Same with me, I never know wether or not to take my uncle or my father's side. So the whole time they're together you just try to stay quite and keep the situation from blowing up into something too big. My dad constantly gets mad at my mom for 'not standing up for him' but he's a grown man, he should be able to do that by now.
As for my grandmother....
I love the woman. Really. She's done alot for my family. While dad was out of a job she sent us money and helped me financially Senior year (I got to go on my senior trip and all). She has been saving money for years so that once my brother and I graduate from Unieristy we have a free trip anywhere in the world. She's taken me all over the United States and has brought me stuff from all over the world. She's always fed my book addiction and is a increidbly (unintentionally) funny woman. However, me and her have butted heads ever since I was old enough to have my own thoughts. She's very much about the quality and sophistications of stuff. Take midnight mass for example. Back in the day I used to be quite involved in my chuch - I even sang in the chior. So, I've always taken pride in my church. The chior is made up completely of volunteers. They never held 'auditions' and thusly it's filled with people of every make and model. It's not the best chior ever - but it's the thought of worshiping God through song that's supposed to be what's the point. Well, not for her - she's always hated the church because of the chior. Not for any other reason - simply the chior - something that I was once a part of and took pride in. So, this year we went to another church (I didn't mind so much) and she hated that church because the priest did it in a sing-songy kind of way (like they used to back in the day). So as soon as mass was over and we had exited the church all you could hear was her complaining. My brother started harping in. This made me mad because of all people I don't want my brother to take on to her way of thinking. So I made a few snide comments. They weren't taken very well.
As for the family in general....well,
No one from my mom's side really likes our side of the family. My grandmother thinks of my mom as the one that got the worse lot in life and no one likes my dad very much. They think we're (my brother and I) are good kids but that's the extent of it. My grandmother REALLY likes my tia (My aunt - the eldest, My mom - the middle kid, My uncle - the baby). So even though my aunt NEVER hangs out with our side of the family (mandatory duties aside), and even though we're the ones that always take care of her and do whatever we can with whatever we can - all we ever hear is about the new car my tia bought, or the new job my cousin got, or about how much better she cooks and what-not. So, that leaves us (well, at least me) feeling really put out. The fact that we're seen as some sort of 'charity case' also leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I know we're not the best off of people in the world - but we're not starving to death yet. The worst bit of all this is that my brother will joke right alongside my uncle and grandma. It makes me sad that he hasn't developed the state of mind just yet to keep himself out of their clutches.

::done ranting::

It was a good Christmas once you get down to it. I got to spend time with my brother, which always makes me happy. For Christmas I'm going to be getting contacts - I'm looking foward to it, and yet then again the idea of putting something in my eye still gives me the hebby jebbys (sp?). I also got some smelly's from Victorias Secret from my mom and a handmade purple quilt from my Grandmother. Apperently she and her best friends have been working on it for about a year. On one side it's light purple with dark purple flowers and the other side has this really funky dark purple/white pattern. I like the pattern part better - but I think it's awesome.

My friend Lauren's wedding is this saturday. I got to hang out with her on Saturday and she's really excited about it. The wedding is in Kingsville, they're spending their honeymoon in San Antonio (this summer they're going to Las Vegas though), and they're going to be living in Houston. Apperently Scott (the husband) got a job over at Lockheed Martin where he'll be one of the desginers of the thingy that's going to replace the shuttle. She's going to be a lab technician somewhere in the area - she wants to continue working with animals though (she's always perfered animals to humans). I'm uber excited for her and can't wait for the inevitable reunion of old highschool friends that will occur at her wedding.
I'm yet to have the 'grade' disucssion with my dad yet. It'll go down soon enough though. We'll just have to wait and see what'll happen with that.

I think that's a good enough update for now. Don't you?

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Christmas at Home
Monday. 12.25.06 3:15 am
It's Christmas Eve.
Well, technically it's VERY early Christmas morning.

Mom and Dad have gone to sleep. My uncle, grandmother, brother and I are in the living room watching George Carlin on tv. We went to midnight mass, came home and celebrated my uncle's birthday.
Not much to speak of, I could go into deatil upon detail of the good and bad things that have transpired these past few days - but I'm not quite sure anyone really cares all that much.

It's Christmas, Charlie Brown!

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Saturday. 12.23.06 10:29 am
and THIS is why I hate the holidays.

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There's no need for letting go
Thursday. 12.21.06 11:43 am
When you've already lost control.

So, I've been in Laredo for all of two days and I already know that this won't end very well. I've changed a bit since I left and now, while this feels warm and welcome, it feels alien and not mine. I finally got into town on tuesday - quite uneventful except my drive home was puncuated by me being sick and oh, so tired. It could have been worse but I've had better. Mom and Dad were happy enough to see me, I believe that's the most I'll get this season.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with my girls (and Ray). We discussed our lives, where we're headed, what we want to do, what we want....everyone has their plans up to a certain point, some have more and most have less. Christie and Mel are both talking about the possibility of being married in '08. That's a weird concept for me...but not one that surprises me, especially with Christie. Lauren's in town for the holiday and I want to try and see her sometimes before Christmas. It will be the first time I've seen her in 2 years and the last time i'll see her before she's Scott's wife. We'll probably watch really bad sci-fi, she'll teach me about comic books, play video games, and eat incredibly delicious junk food. It sounds like a plan to me.

I've never been surrounded by more love in my entire life than I am at the current moment (well, not the current moment, as I'm currently home alone) and yet I've never felt so incredibly alone. Maybe not alone - just secluded. It's intresting to me that I used to think I was sure of myself. I knew exactly who I was, why I was who I was, and all the ins and outs of me. Now I'm left looking at myself and wondering what I'm doing. Am I on a self-descrutive mission? That doesn't make sense. Am I really going to drive a wedge between the family? Yes. That answer in itself is enough to make me wonder what's going on inside of me. 2 years ago (heck, even a year) that answer would never have passed through my head. Yet, there it is - in all it's naked glory. I notice things now that I never did before. It's as if for the first time I'm seeing home for what it really was/is and it's leaving me feeling disoriented. What do you do when everything that you used to know turns out to be rotting from the inside out or not at all what you thought it was? Actually, now that I come to think of it, for me Home was like Jasmine (Angel series refrence - whoever got that gets cool points), beautiful and seemingly perfect on the outside. Everyone accepted her for what she was becuase...well, she made them feel what they needed to feel, even when you know there's bad you kind of glaze on over it. But, once you see her for what she really is, you know it's straight up bad. So, I'm pulling a Fred and getting out - hopefully I can bring at least a few of my friends with me.

I have no idea how I feel about yesterday. Was it a good day? A bad day? Does it even matter anymore? Trouble comes in threes. I always hated that line. I got into two small car accidents. The first one some old guy drove into the side of my car. It was just a small nudge and left a scratch less than an inch on the bottom of my car. No big deal. The second one happened downtown. I was dropping off a friend at the bus station and while he was getting stuff out of my trunk apperently a black suv parked behind me. Lighting downtown is horrific, and since the trunk was up I didn't even see that a car had parked behind me. He left, I backed up and *nudge*. The woman had a hissy and wanted to call the cops. Call 'em! We're both parked illegally and I didn't do anything to your car as I backed up into it at less than 4 miles an hour. They over reacted but relaized that they were being stupid and said 'nevermind'. Later that night the girls decided to go get some food at this new place that's kind of like a 'Main Event'. The only one with a car was Kelly. They paid for my meal and even pooled what little money they had so that I could play a few games. We stayed out far later than I had intended though and in the end I wasn't able to herd them out until about 1 am. Then I did something thoughtless, stupid and well, me. I need to learn to stop while I'm ahead.

"I'm currently without country". I feel sort of like that. I don't want to be/am not from here anymore, yet I can't say that I'm from anywhere else at the current moment. I could say Denton, but it doesn't quite feel like 'home'. Not yet, maybe it will once I finally leave this place as home. I don't know why it's so hard for me - or why the things that I'm being told or learning about myself are so difficult to swallow. I do alot of things that are wrong and alot of things that others find to be stupid and immature. I always either have way too much filter or no filter at all, and it's never for the right things. I filter things that shouldn't be filtered and then I don't filter all the stupid stuff that everyone else in the world is capable of filtering. It's so stupid. It's a retarded situation that consistently gets me into binds. Binds that are otherwise avoidable had I put a little common sense and thought into what I'm saying/doing at the current moment. .....are therapists expensive??

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