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November 2017

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Christmas at Home
Monday. 12.25.06 3:15 am
It's Christmas Eve.
Well, technically it's VERY early Christmas morning.

Mom and Dad have gone to sleep. My uncle, grandmother, brother and I are in the living room watching George Carlin on tv. We went to midnight mass, came home and celebrated my uncle's birthday.
Not much to speak of, I could go into deatil upon detail of the good and bad things that have transpired these past few days - but I'm not quite sure anyone really cares all that much.

It's Christmas, Charlie Brown!

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Guilt
Saturday. 12.23.06 10:29 am
and THIS is why I hate the holidays.

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There's no need for letting go
Thursday. 12.21.06 11:43 am
When you've already lost control.

So, I've been in Laredo for all of two days and I already know that this won't end very well. I've changed a bit since I left and now, while this feels warm and welcome, it feels alien and not mine. I finally got into town on tuesday - quite uneventful except my drive home was puncuated by me being sick and oh, so tired. It could have been worse but I've had better. Mom and Dad were happy enough to see me, I believe that's the most I'll get this season.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with my girls (and Ray). We discussed our lives, where we're headed, what we want to do, what we want....everyone has their plans up to a certain point, some have more and most have less. Christie and Mel are both talking about the possibility of being married in '08. That's a weird concept for me...but not one that surprises me, especially with Christie. Lauren's in town for the holiday and I want to try and see her sometimes before Christmas. It will be the first time I've seen her in 2 years and the last time i'll see her before she's Scott's wife. We'll probably watch really bad sci-fi, she'll teach me about comic books, play video games, and eat incredibly delicious junk food. It sounds like a plan to me.

I've never been surrounded by more love in my entire life than I am at the current moment (well, not the current moment, as I'm currently home alone) and yet I've never felt so incredibly alone. Maybe not alone - just secluded. It's intresting to me that I used to think I was sure of myself. I knew exactly who I was, why I was who I was, and all the ins and outs of me. Now I'm left looking at myself and wondering what I'm doing. Am I on a self-descrutive mission? That doesn't make sense. Am I really going to drive a wedge between the family? Yes. That answer in itself is enough to make me wonder what's going on inside of me. 2 years ago (heck, even a year) that answer would never have passed through my head. Yet, there it is - in all it's naked glory. I notice things now that I never did before. It's as if for the first time I'm seeing home for what it really was/is and it's leaving me feeling disoriented. What do you do when everything that you used to know turns out to be rotting from the inside out or not at all what you thought it was? Actually, now that I come to think of it, for me Home was like Jasmine (Angel series refrence - whoever got that gets cool points), beautiful and seemingly perfect on the outside. Everyone accepted her for what she was becuase...well, she made them feel what they needed to feel, even when you know there's bad you kind of glaze on over it. But, once you see her for what she really is, you know it's straight up bad. So, I'm pulling a Fred and getting out - hopefully I can bring at least a few of my friends with me.

I have no idea how I feel about yesterday. Was it a good day? A bad day? Does it even matter anymore? Trouble comes in threes. I always hated that line. I got into two small car accidents. The first one some old guy drove into the side of my car. It was just a small nudge and left a scratch less than an inch on the bottom of my car. No big deal. The second one happened downtown. I was dropping off a friend at the bus station and while he was getting stuff out of my trunk apperently a black suv parked behind me. Lighting downtown is horrific, and since the trunk was up I didn't even see that a car had parked behind me. He left, I backed up and *nudge*. The woman had a hissy and wanted to call the cops. Call 'em! We're both parked illegally and I didn't do anything to your car as I backed up into it at less than 4 miles an hour. They over reacted but relaized that they were being stupid and said 'nevermind'. Later that night the girls decided to go get some food at this new place that's kind of like a 'Main Event'. The only one with a car was Kelly. They paid for my meal and even pooled what little money they had so that I could play a few games. We stayed out far later than I had intended though and in the end I wasn't able to herd them out until about 1 am. Then I did something thoughtless, stupid and well, me. I need to learn to stop while I'm ahead.

"I'm currently without country". I feel sort of like that. I don't want to be/am not from here anymore, yet I can't say that I'm from anywhere else at the current moment. I could say Denton, but it doesn't quite feel like 'home'. Not yet, maybe it will once I finally leave this place as home. I don't know why it's so hard for me - or why the things that I'm being told or learning about myself are so difficult to swallow. I do alot of things that are wrong and alot of things that others find to be stupid and immature. I always either have way too much filter or no filter at all, and it's never for the right things. I filter things that shouldn't be filtered and then I don't filter all the stupid stuff that everyone else in the world is capable of filtering. It's so stupid. It's a retarded situation that consistently gets me into binds. Binds that are otherwise avoidable had I put a little common sense and thought into what I'm saying/doing at the current moment. .....are therapists expensive??

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Carbon Leaf
Saturday. 12.16.06 3:47 pm
Let Your Troubles Roll By

Love endures, it clings away
When asked to leave, it begs to stay
Like the perfect song, at imperfect times
It's the way the chords struck with the rhymes

So let your troubles roll by...

He knows he can help himself
He can tell by a look at the books on his shelf

And someone, somewhere loses her son
Before her own sunset is said and done

And she dreams of sunflowers bent-over
Frozen in snow, and thinks 'Colorado...'
But then plays her life back in slow motion
To keep in touch with that raw emotion
In the night, crushed empty can
Olive Oyle is waiting for her man
To come in from the fight
That will change their life
'For good this time...'

When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by
WHen all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by
when all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by
let your troubles roll by...

Like New Year's Eve, tonight's underway
But tomorrow you'll wake up afraid of the day
'Cause underneath the scars of your broken dreams
An undone war still wages and stings

You fear the year will blow
Like a breeze through a rainbow
You swear it's there, but you can't grab a hold
So you sit and cry and wonder why, why...

When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by
When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by
When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by
let your troubles roll by

So many cities and windows and lives
And through each one there's a soul that strives to survive
So pay no mind, my sorrow's fine
The day is a live and that's why I cry

It's a New Year's toast, grab your list to conspire
The last snake hissed as he was thrown in the fire
You've come far, and though you're far from the end
You don't mind where you are, cause you know where you've been


Like a culture vulture sprawled out on the floor
Like a dead devil soldier washed up on the shore
With nothing of note but the ole' Capt.'s coat
And a burning boat you just sank with your salty tears...
dry let your tourbles roll by
when all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by
when all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by
let your troubles roll by...

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