smudge clothing company.
guide to success with my weblog.
step one: read everything to the right of this module.
step two: click every number at the bottom of the screen.
step three: go back to step one.
repeat infinity times.
this is my personal assistant.
i managed to break this little nutang helper from his contract with nutang, and now he works for me. his name is jump-for-joya. he manages this site. all complaints and other inquiries should be directed to him.
he thanks you for your cooperation.
just in case you missed 'em...
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Thursday. 12.31.09 1:03 pm
happy new year wishes from me to you, everyone.
there's a party tonight for the new year. not sure why we celebrate. it's just changing the way that i write the date for 365 days, give or take. i'm sure that january and february, i will be cursing the skies because i will continue to write "2009" instead of "2010."
i like celebrating though, just in general, so i'm happy about it.
what will be call this coming year? i mean, for the past ten years, we've been able to just say "oh-X". i'm sure a lot of people will call it "oh-ten" which will be aggrivating. in fact, whoever calls it "oh-ten" will get ten punches in the face from me, and after each one, i will say the appropriate year: oh-one, oh-two, etc.
i will end it will a solid "ten!" then i will say "looking forward to eleven" which simultaneously flipping them off with each of my middle fingers, to form a makeshift eleven.
i think this plan is sufficient. now i just need someone to call it "oh-ten."
Tuesday. 12.29.09 10:32 am
david the gay penguin.
Tuesday. 12.22.09 3:42 pm
here's a random story i wrote today.
if i was going to cast people to play the roles of the characters in this story, then here is what they'd be:
Gregory - Michael Clarke Duncan
Brian - Andre Benjamin (aka Andre 3000)
David - Perez Hilton
Patrick - Patrick Demsey
Flying Saucer - Judy Dench
Giant Sea Squid - Mr. T
Ursula - Pat Carroll
okay. this story is really stupid, but i tried to cover as many genres of stories as i could. so it's for everyone. enjoy:
David the Gay Penguin.
Gregory, a fierce male emperor penguin, was keeping his egg especially warm this winter, showing off to all the other male penguins that he could keep his egg the warmest.
“My son will be the biggest, baddest penguin there ever was!” said Gregory.
When it was warm enough, he would use the egg to do curls. That’s just a side note.
When time came, Gregory’s egg began to hatch.
“Aww yeah!” yelled Gregory. “My son David will be the most awesomest penguin ever, and all will fear him!” The egg began to crack. There was a weird noise coming from the egg. Gregory leaned in a little closer, and realized that there was some sort of music coming from the egg…
“What is that?” Gregory’s friend Brian asked. “Is that Abba?”
“NO WAY!” exclaimed Gregory, “THAT HAS TO BE ZEPPELIN, OR METALLICA.”
“No, I think it’s Abba.” Brian said, calmly.
“IS NOT!” said Gregory, simultaneously punching Brian in the ‘nads. Brian fell over and pain, and, in fact, died on the spot.
The egg cracked more, and more, until finally David, Gregory’s son, burst from it, singing show tunes from Mama Mia! the musical.
“OMFG” Gregory said. “You are not my son.” Gregory wound up his left flapper to slap David right across the beak, but David dodged the slap with his jazzy feet, and gallivanted away into the sunset, following the aurora borealis through the night, until he came across an elephant seal named Patrick.
“Why hello, Patrick!” David said, mightily gay.
“How did you know my name?” said Patrick, in a very confused tone.
“Oh!” said David, as he began to dance circles around Patrick, singing various tunes from “Aida” and “Rent.”
“I like your style.” Said Patrick. So, then, Patrick became gay as well. Defying the laws of physics, David and Patrick held hands and danced off into the night.
The following morning, David found a sharp stick and thrust it into Patrick’s left eye.
“YOU AREN’T MY REAL DAD!” yelled David.
“AHHHHH!!!!” yelled Patrick back. “My good eye!”
David then used the stick to pierce Patrick’s broken heart. Patrick was killed instantly. He fell onto the ice with a thunderous thud, and to celebrate, David danced, and sang various tunes from “Grease.” Then he ate Patrick’s carcass, or as much as he could, at least, until he had his fill.
Just as he was wiping his mouth of sweat and seal blood, David noticed a flying saucer slowly passing overhead. Being a penguin, David naturally flew up into the air and followed the saucer. Soon after the saucer became aware of its tail, David and the flying craft proceeded to have an epic four hour Star Wars-esque battle, complete with real lasers and laser sounds. It ended when David used the force to shove a missile straight up the saucer’s ass, causing immense sexual pleasure to the saucer, and also causing the saucer to explode.
Once David landed safely, he decided to go for a swim. Little did he know that the Giant Sea Squid from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea was waiting for him.
“OMG!” David exclaimed, as the sea squid grasped him with a huge pink tentacle, “I’ve never seen one so big before!”
“THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!” yelled the squid. The giant squid was about to bite off David’s head, when out of nowhere Ursula from The Little Mermaid appeared, and turned the squid into a starfish, which she promptly stuck up her snatch.
“Wow” said David, “How can I ever repay you?”
“Well, my little darling,” began Ursula, “You only need to give me something that belongs to you.” Ursula looked David up and down, and realized that she didn’t really want much of anything that belonged to David. While Ursula wasn’t paying attention, David swiftly grabbed hold of Eric’s ship, and steered it right into Ursula’s belly.
“NOOOOOO!!!!” she yelled as she deflated like a balloon, and flew all around the ocean, again, like a balloon.
In celebration, David, of course, began dancing, and singing various show tunes from “Cats.”
Then he pulled out his .45 and shot himself in the head, in gay victory.
i don't care if you don't like it.
Monday. 12.21.09 10:28 am
snow is the worst thing in the world. okay, that's an overstatement.
blizzards ARE awful though. we got at least two feet of snow yesterday, and i suppose we are expecting another winter storm on christmas eve. ugh.
if it wasn't for my shoulders, i wouldn't loathe it so much. in fact, i can enjoy shoveling snow, if i'm with the right company. but, i guess it's just not a thing that friends help shovel other friends driveways. unless they are stuck there, and need to leave.
my driveway is pretty long. luckily, my father has a snowblower, and was able to do most of it himself. i just had to uncover my car from the snow that he blew. it was practically buried.
...beats shoveling the entire driveway.
snow would be great if it cancelled work, or something like that... however, the FDIC looks down on closing a bank for three days in a row, in fact, they forbid it.
so, now i'm sitting at work, barely doing anything, because who the hell wants to be out in this weather?
headaches a'plenty. *pops several pills*
cheers. if i don't do another blog before christmas, then merry christmas! no one but muffy went for my nuCard idea, but it was an eCard. i still count it, though, however, it does not enable me to reciprocate.
enjoy the holidays, no matter what your faith. at least it's a friday off. woohoo!
Friday. 12.18.09 11:33 am
i am just distracting myself from work.
wolf in sheep's clothing by this providence is stuck in my head. i don't know all of the words, so i keep saying the line "you're so good at stretching the truth into a sugar coated lie, everyone takes a bite."
and so i will probably continue to do this throughout the day.
i had two chocolate chunk cookies for breakfast.
...this is my day, pretty much.
i am expecting a snowstorm tomorrow. this means that i will take my day off, and spend it shoveling the drive, walk, and stairs. it also means that the dog will have tons of fun running through the snow. that oughtta be funny.
if you want to send me a holiday card, and if you'd like one from me, then i will PM my address to you, and you can PM yours back to me! this is a tradition i will start this year. nuCards. i doubt anyone will be interested though.
*in barbossa's voice* "what are ya lookin' at?! get back ta work!"
Wednesday. 12.16.09 10:37 pm
...when did 10:37 PM become bedtime? geeze, (in the immortal words of danny glover) i'm too old for this shit.
just watched pearl harbor tonight. i've seen it before, but niki wanted to watch it, so we watched it. actually, it was better than i remembered.
it would've been better if ben affleck died. just because it's best when his characters die in a movie. like, in smokin' aces. that scene was hilarious. not only did he die, but the guy that killed him used him as a puppet. great stuff.
tomorrow, i get off work at 1 PM, so i may or may not keep the blogging to a minimum. we shall see.
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