"I Can Hardly Make You Mine" by Cults.

I don't think I can make it
Can I owe you one?
Staring into the days
Like a loaded gun

Well I can hardly make you mine
Tell it to you all the time
But you never wanted what
You had to take

So I could never give you up
I guess that this is just a crush
For the end of the long day
And when I wake

Well I know you're not the one and the only
But we both know what it's like to be lonely
Well these fantasies they left us wanting
But just bring all your love back to me
I guess for now it's just how it will be

The feelings aren't as bad as they were for a long time. I keep thinking that I'm doing better and then feeling like I'm falling down again, though, so I'm hesitant to proclaim that I'm getting over it "for sure" or anything.

---

In happier news, I had a good time hanging out with Kyle today. This is the first time he's visited me since 2010, and we walked around a bunch and went to the aquarium, which was cool. I also found out that Jens Lekman is going to be playing here, so I got tickets, and I'm very excited for that, even though I'll have to go by myself unless I find someone on fairly short notice to go with.

We got unusual (but very nice) ice cream in the early evening (bad timing, because it was before dinner). I got pumpkin, which was not pumpkin spice like I had been expecting, but was this really lovely almost fruity pumpkin flavor, and Kyle got some kind of weird cheese ice cream. I wasn't brave enough to try it, but he said it was really good. The roughness of the waffle cone against my upper lip kind of chafed it, though, and now my lip is sensitive at the edges. :( I forgot that this happens sometimes if I'm not careful about how I eat things.

Some pictures from recently-ish and today:

I feel like I could stick this on 85% of the guys on OKC and it would be honest.


Really amused by the name of this for whatever reason.


Dead pigeon. :(


I said this fish looked kind of dead and lifeless. Kyle said this fish looks like how he feels on the inside.


My landlady still hasn't come back and I'm not sure if I should try to contact her again...

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I've been reading Love is a Story: A New Theory of Relationships by Robert Sternberg. My first contact with this book was actually five years ago, when I was taking a Marriage Family, and Intimate Relationships class in community college. I'd forgotten about it because I never actually read it; the professor just talked to us about the different types of love stories and their meanings. I have no idea what happened to my notes from that class, but I wish I had kept one of the texts we read for it, because it was really interesting. I emailed the professor just now to ask if he still has the syllabus, so hopefully he'll get back to me...

Regardless, I've been reflecting on what kind of love stories I tend to seek out in my relationships (and perhaps friendships in general?). I think I'm drawn to teacher-student relationships, or have been, in the past. Back when I used to talk to Max in 2009/2010, that was pretty evident. I loved chatting with him because he always had something interesting to share with me, and I absorbed it like a sponge. As I've gotten older, though, I've become a bit less enamored with this relation... Maybe due in part to disillusionment stemming from the realization that I kept running into people who just loved to pontificate, without necessarily having worthwhile knowledge to impart. I mistook arrogance for confidence and competence a lot. These days I do much more questioning.

When I think about long term relationships, I tend to imagine something like a business story:

View post on imgur.com

And this excerpt felt sadly relevant to me:

View post on imgur.com

I wonder how much time I've spent in an ultimately fruitless pursuit of something deeper. One of my high school friends was like the onion in this metaphor-- I always thought there must be something more to her than she was letting on, but nothing ever came out in all the years I knew her. For the most part, I tend to assume that people must have interesting and complex thoughts until they consistently express thoughts that are nothing of the sort, but in the presence of silence, that automatic assumption remains. Thus, quiet and reserved people seem interesting and mysterious. It's hard to know whether there really is something genuinely worthwhile developing in their heads unbeknownst to the rest of us or if there's just a cognitive emptiness.

When I'm not feeling down and depressed, I feel like I'm always thinking about a ton of different things at once, and I guess I tend to think it must be the same way for others. I seem to vacillate between feeling like everyone's experience is totally alien to each other and feeling like people are actually much more similar than I'm inclined to give them credit for. It's hard for me to really grasp the idea that some people just don't have... active minds? Similarly, I tend to give people maybe a little too much benefit of the doubt when it comes to things they might know; I find this comes up a lot when I discuss topics in psychology specifically. I'ts not that I think everyone must know what cognitive heuristics and things like that are, but I guess that I tend to think things along the lines of "well, this person I'm talking to is smart and knowledgeable, and psychology is pretty widespread, so it seems possible that they'd have heard of this concept before." Not that I assume they know... usually I ask if they've heard of it. It's extremely condescending to assume they don't know and start explaining, but assuming they do know and not giving context is pretty bad in its own way.

I don't know where I was going with all that. Something else I did want to mention was that when my mom was here, she asked me if I had ever been in love with one of my exes, and I said yes, then asked her if she had ever been in love with my dad. She took a moment to think about it, but said no. I wouldn't say that was particularly surprising to me, and yet I still felt as if I should be shocked or horrified in some way. A marriage without being in love??? Scandalous! But then, it works for them. And I don't have a problem with it. My parents are very different, but they've managed to come to terms with those differences and have stayed married for over twenty years. They love each other, they just aren't in love (and I guess never have been). And... maybe that's kind of what I want too, in some way? That sort of lifetime roommate situation where you care about each other a lot and you do things together, but it doesn't have to be crazy passionate and romantic. I'm tired of people and their romantic ideals expressing such self-righteous indignation about that. Romantic relationships can be nice and all, but maybe I just want someone I get along with on a reasonable level to make a shared life with, and they don't have to be my best friend (I already have best friends) or a perfect fit. I'm tired of feeling like that's such a bad thing. It's hard enough for me to find people who are tolerable, so maybe I'd be fine with someone acceptable. I think my idea of acceptable is a bit different than my dad's idea (trying to have an intellectual conversation with my mom is like stabbing yourself in the face with a rusty corkscrew), but I mean... generally physically attractive (that's the hard part), reasonably educated, not abusive, self-aware enough to not have seriously undermanaged mental illness or delusional worldviews... Am I asking for too much with that?

Anyway... Kyle is coming to visit me tomorrow, so that's something to look forward to.

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Kyle sent flannel sheets to my new address as a surprise gift. ^__^

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"John Gottman: How to Build Trust"

One of my groupmates from class shared this video with the group as something we could possibly incorporate into our presentation. It was about a week ago, but I've been thinking about it since then.

Trust is built in the little moments. You find it in the consistency of someone's good actions and intentions towards you. This is perhaps why I was able to grow to trust Kyle again, but not some of my other exes. There's no one big thing you can do to gain trust back; it takes a long time and a lot of patience and persistence. And I guess this is why I don't have a specific answer when people ask me how to get me to trust them again-- it's just something where you have to wait and see.

This is very applicable in the therapy setting too, of course; most people don't spill everything in the beginning of therapy, which is why longer term therapy can go deeper into people's lives and feelings about things than short term therapy can (on average at least). Having a consistently open and supportive attitude towards clients will help me gain their trust... It's very obvious in some ways, when you think about it, but I feel like it's one of those things where it's only obvious once you know the answer.

---

My mom is visiting me this weekend, and she helped me move out of the little place I was staying to a new room in a house. It's not as convenient of a location here, but it's nicer, and now I have a queen bed instead of a twin (not that I need that much space, but it's appreciated). Sadly we got polyester sheets instead of my beloved flannel, but I'll live.

I was listening to this song a lot awhile ago, but I think I didn't post it because it was temporarily unavailable on Youtube:

"Strange Cakes" by Big Black Delta.

Always always on me, always
Half of every rule that we will break
A quarter love, a quarter hate
Half of every lesson, a third of every scene
Never mean that much to me
Oh, I know a fool only knows
He knows enough and nothing more
Just blood and bones, a spark of the heart

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"Combat Baby" by Metric.

I want to be wrong but
No one here wants to fight me like you do

Combat baby
Come back baby
Fight off the lethargy
Don't go quietly
Combat baby

Every time this song comes on in my library I think about the importance of having someone who can challenge you and show you where you're wrong in your thinking. That sweet spot between needless destructive criticism and inattentive support. On the other side, there's the equally important ability to be open and receptive to that challenge and not hole up in an internal bunker, denying and deflecting any criticism while clinging tightly to your beliefs.

Thinking about where a person is coming from with criticism is also important. I try to take a step back and consider what the person's relationship is to me, and what contexts they have observed and interacted with me in. I'm not the same person to everybody, and their comments on me will reflect that. Of course my friends think I'm a good person, they've only seen me in situations where I had the ability to display good traits, for the most part. They can't confirm or deny a complaint about me that someone else who has seen me in a different situation has voiced. And anyway, why would they be my friends if they didn't like me and think I had redeeming qualities? I accept their support and praise, but always with a grain of salt. A lot of people want to make you feel good without regard for your personal development and growth. If I sink into the cushions they put down for me, it's harder to get up and move forward.

When someone does have a comment about something they think I'm doing wrong or could be better, it's easy to want to defend myself and explain why they're mistaken, but that can be a barrier to growth if the comment hasn't been considered thoroughly beforehand. I haven't done a great job of keeping up with this one recently due to stress, which limits my patience and tolerance. Trying to get back on track.

A reminder to myself in hypothetical dialogue:
Person: Hey, I think you were rude in that situation:
Me (non-constructive response): I don't think so. I think my reaction was totally warranted given what happened, and I had no obligation to be polite.
vs.
Me (constructive response): I didn't perceive it that way, but I'd like to know why it came off that way to you in case there was something I missed about the situation.
-->And then ACTUALLY listen to what they say and try to understand their perspective instead of just "listening" for show while actually formulating a defense. Critical thinking!

It's blatantly obvious that I have no "obligation" to be polite in any situation; I choose to be polite because I don't want to be the kind of person who has no regard for social norms or basic respect for others. Sometimes I struggle with this one, because it doesn't always mesh well with my desire to be authentic with people, and there are some people whom I really, really do not like.

Always a work in progress. Anyway, I am getting a bit foggy, so I'm going to end here.

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"Music I Heard" by Richard Hageman, sung by Hannah Kim.

Music I heard with you was more than music,
And bread I broke with you was more than bread.
Now that I am without you, all is desolate,
All that was once so beautiful is dead.

Your hands once touched this table and this silver,
And I have seen your fingers hold this glass.
These things do not remember you, beloved:
And yet your touch upon them will not pass.

For it was in my heart you moved among them,
And blessed them with your hands and with your eyes.
And in my heart they will remember always:
They knew you once, O beautiful and wise!

The book I'm reading referenced this song, so I looked it up. I like the first stanza. It feels very... phenomenological.

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"The World Moves On" by Jens Lekman.

You don't get over a broken heart
You just learn to carry it gracefully

And that's what it's like when you've had your heart broken
The world just shrugs its shoulders and keeps going
It just moves on in all its sadness and glory

I really like this song. It took a bit of time for it to grow on me, but I love the lyrics. They feel so much more real than most other songs with this theme. There's such a beautiful authenticity to it.

I did so much socializing today, I am exhausted. Hung out with someone for a few hours, then went back to my room and voice chatted with someone else for the first time, and then Skyped with Fro, Becka, and Sean. Phew.

Also got some much-needed errands/chores done today, so that was good. So the like... ~10 hours of almost continuous socializing did not prevent me from doing other productive things. I feel good about that, despite being so tired now.

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I had this exchange with a friend awhile ago:
D: You ever ask someone something, and you don't want to hear the answer
D: And they tell you the answer and then some
D: And like, you learn things that kind of immediately burn themselves into you
D: 'Cause I do <_<
Me: [Relevant experience]
Me: I didn't really want to know.
Me: And I felt sick to the core of my soul when he told me.
D: Oh this goes into that same kind of thing and then like ten times more

The response I got to my story really bothered me. He doesn't know what it felt like for me. It seemed very insulting that he would immediately say his feeling was ten times worse than mine. I felt like my experience was trivialized. I really hate it when people tell me they "know exactly" how I feel, because it's never true. You hear a word you relate to, you latch onto it, you jump at the opportunity to tell your story, you don't listen for the nuances in my story that differentiate my experience from yours. I don't know how to characterize this behavior-- maybe an excited disrespect. An impatient self-centeredness in which the other person is treating your personal experience like some of kind of satellite revolving around yours. There's no connection there and no understanding. I'm not saying it's meant with any ill will on the other's part, but it happens too much.

Of course, this was nothing worth fighting over. He is going through a hard time, and he clearly wanted the conversation to be focused on him. This has never been a friendship where we can mutually discuss our problems, and I've always been aware of that. Sometimes it just bothers me more.

I'm starting to get really annoyed with conversations that go like this:

Me: I was eating ice cream one time and it started melting--
Other person: Oh man, I know exactly how that is. I just hate that! Isn't it the worst? I want my ice cream to be frozen, you know? Melted ice cream is just so pointless, like, it's just a dessert soup. I had this one ice cream cone and it got all melted because it was hot that day, and I was so disappointed.

And if the other person had actually given me a chance to finish it would have gone more like:

Me: I was eating ice cream one time and it started melting, and watching bits drip off of it reminded me of a a day when I was sitting inside watching the rain and talking to my friend about how much I loved how it smelled outside after it rained.

Last night I got to Skype briefly with Fro and Becka, and I was reminded of how much I value the fact that they actually let you finish what you're saying instead of cutting you off as soon as they pick up on a word or phrase that they want to talk about. That quality is terribly rare, even (to my great dismay) in this program I'm currently in...

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