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Tuesday. 1.9.07 12:28 am

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long? (ha!)

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall

I want to tear away the death again
A whiter shade of fucking meth again
I want to stick to clues, I want to come unglued
I want to shape the world to fit the way you move
Oh, should I listen for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happy
This is no longer about me

Trade rules, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
Let him be you through your beautiful cries
Let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
Live your life just like a dream
Without the pain of goodbyes

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I been a drunk disrespectful little street punk
Unlock the back of my trunk
You see, you take this bat
And bash my head into the street again
No-ones around so I keep beating it

Pull my hair back, look me in the eye
There's a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
It's the guilt of what reality has given me
Making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity
And when you're sick you seem to think
You've failed eternally

And that the people you let in are only crumbling
When you're sick of thinking life in this recovery
When my decision paved the road
That lies in front of me

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

But are we scared to take the ride?
Or dare to look inside?
I'm floating far away (far away)
I'm floating far away (leaving home)
I'm floating far away (so far away)
I'm floating far away

I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the girl, I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother know
He saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years he's been my friend
Who's always there

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?

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So then...
Sunday. 1.7.07 1:37 pm
Life...is being....blurry.

Ok, so I've got issues. Things I need to work on, and work out. All I have to do is muster the courage. I thought about it the other day - there's never a good time to tell someone something bad. It's always inopprotune. So, why not now? Why not this month? This week? This day? I mean, all you're doing is putting stuff off and taking away time from the 'healing' process. Sort of like ripping off a band-aid. Quick and painful, but the sooner you do it - the better it'll feel(ish).

Went to church today. To a christan church...in Laredo. There was alot going on inside my head - alot I have to sit down and analyze (at which, I'm not very good). I decided to go to Grace Bible Church. My long time friend and neighbor Christie has been going there for years. When I was smaller - I went to Bible vacation school there. I know some of the people that attend (though not very well) and I'd like to get involved somehow. I don't quite know how though. In any case, the message that they're going to be talking about is convientely one that I really need to hear. 'God's will for us'. It's an intresting concept and one that i'd like to discuss and explore though such said discussion. They started going into it and it almost became a free will v. divine 'control' sermon. But it didn't. It was really good. They also played really good music - which made me happy.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. Having trouble eating too; which if you know me, is quite worrisome. I know why it is - but how the heck do I get out of it? Well, with help, discussion, and actually doing something to make the situation better - that's how.

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Friday. 1.5.07 7:35 pm
So, everything went down.
Basically, I/We decided that it's best I come home but keep my apartment. That way as soon as May (or late april) comes 'round, I can take off.
This means that I'll be residing in Laredo for 3 1/2 months. A little longer than summer.
On the other hand, I've already got plans in the works to go up there for Spring Break, and other little visits may also occur. We'll see how all that turns out, but I see no reason why it shouldn't. In fact, I'm rather looking foward to visiting my sanity. :)

On the other hand, now that I've been away and exposed to some pretty new ideas (some not so new, but far more defined) 'home' isn't quite the same. I notice things now I didn't before - things bother me beyond belief that I never even noticed before. There's one main person I could blame for all this - but instead I'll thank them quietly.

So, now I need a job. Or two. Something. I'll go looking on Monday. At the current moment I have hopes set on somewhere in the mall (decent hours...crappy people...but that's basically everywhere right about now), or possibly Best Buy (discounts!). We'll see how THIS turns out.


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Pachabell's Cannon in D
Sunday. 12.31.06 6:16 pm
8 beautiful christmas trees decorated the alter.
The music started.
The doors open.
There's Lauren, outside the doors flanked by her mom and dad.
The biggest smile EVER on her face.
The ceremony begins.
"I do."
"I do."
They turn....
"I'd like to announce for the first time, to those loved ones gathered here - Mr. and Mrs. James Scott Wisneski!"

So, I went to Kingsville on Saturday to see an old friend from High School get married. It was small but completely her. The ceremony wasn't her so much as her mother .... but that's family for ya. They seem SO happy. Her sister was maid of honor and his best friend was best man. Her parents (I don't know his) were SO proud. It made me smile.

The reception started off a bit slow - but I was able to cope seeing as they had a HUGE platter of cheese and cracker, with fruit along the sides of it. :) However, they came over to say 'hi' to us and we talked for a little while. Then about 3 hours it came time for the speeches. The best man's speech was pretty decent. ('SCORE'!) The sister seemed like she hadn't really practiced...but it came from the heart.

After that came the bouqet toss and the garter throw. When they announced that they wanted all single women on the floor I got up and NO ONE ELSE DID. I wanted to *die*. lol, but I made my friends (who aren't all that single) go with me and a few other girls got up. In the end I missed the bouqet but deffinately thought about tackling the girl who DID catch it (lol). The garter toss was uneventful.

After that it REALLY picked up. They started playing decent music and we jammed out quite a bit. Her mom started a conga line TWICE and both times grabbed me and the girls I was with to join in. Me and Kel also started the electric slide during 'boot scootin' boogie'. We felt like dorks dancing all alone on the floor, but within a few seconds or so a bunch of other people got up and we felt proud. Then of all things....for the first time in my life....I was asked to dance. ^_^! I had thought that he was really cute since I'd seen him in the church and the weird thing is that I had just told the girls I was with that I thought he was really cute when out of nowhere he comes up to *me* and asks me to dance. As we danced around the floor he asked me about myself, and I about him. He told me that when I open my store he should get in contact with me since he writes children's comics. I promised I would. I'm not gonna lie and say it did'nt make me feel uber special that he asked me and not kel or mel. I could write about those 3 and a half minuets for quite awhile more....but what's the point to it? "It was just a moment in the woods". ANYWAY...there was a little more dancing (a little more being caught looking at each other........*focus*) and then it was time for Lauren and Scott to leave.

Those who were still there gathered outside the hall and were handed bubble stuff to blow on them when they exited. Her car was otuside, they had tagged it on the passanger windows it sad "She got him today, He'll get her tonight", of course "just married" was put nearly everywhere it could be, streamers also adorned the car that she once gave me rides to school in. When they exited we screamed, hugged, blew bubbles and smiled. Then it was time for us to go. We said goodbye to her mom (who has taken each of us; and our siblings, on as her own) and then left back to Kel's apartment.

At Kel's apartment we watched 'The Descent' which has sufficiently creepy parts in it - but overall wasn't extremely scary. Then again, my constant narration (which I do when I'm nervous) and the lights that we left on could have taken away from the effect. We went to sleep around 2:30 and woke up relatively early so get back home since Mel had to go to work.

It was a REALLY good weekend.

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