I wonder if this is what awaits those poor unexpecting students who I may be substituting.


I've been wondering, though,

What is "Greatness"?

After a long battle uphill through a darkened forest full of dulldrums and sprites, I've come to alot of realizations.
We are moving in after all.
It ISN'T wrong to move in together.
However, what DOES make it wrong is what my intentions could be.
Is it to glorify and praise Him or to merely shame myself?
Because I've come to see that I had all the right steps but the wrong philosophy all along.
I am no more wrong than Pastor Lo, who got kicked out of church for having a different way of praising God.
Sometimes there is no clear right and wrong in situations.
And whenever God DOES want you in a different spot, He will open up at least ONE door in an effort to motivate you out of your situation.

But I'm still left with one nagging question,
What is "greatness"?

I know I don't want it. Not now. I have my mother to take care of and I can't think of my own "greatness" until I know that my responsibilities are well taken care of. That may be a long way off.
But then I thought, isn't my way of sacrificing myself, my "greatness", for my mother's well-being considered greatness???
But then again, I don't want to consider myself "great". I am no greater than anyone else, and quite often less great.
However, I do think the road to TRUE greatness and TRUE love is through self-sacrifice,
which in my opinion, is EXACTLY what the youth group is missing; Self-sacrifice.

It took me a bit, but I've come to realize that everyone is all talk, all fun, all rights and wrongs, and lessons, and God-talk, but everyone is missing very such an important part, such a key element; a step forward. Where's the leg-work?
How come when I would ask "what to do" no one would give me an answer other than my OWN sacrifices?
How come no one made their own sacrifices to help me out?
How come when there was every any problem or situation with any of the kids, the quickest answer I would receive was that THAT person needed to change?
How come we didn't reach out and help these people who are in OBVIOUS desperate help?

How Christian is THAT?

Well, I'll tell you what. I'll keep living my whorish life in our "devil's playground", while the rest of you keep doing talking but never sharing the Love, the God, we're supposed to.

So, tell me what greatness is now?

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Why do I feel fear?
What is wrong with me?
I have never felt the way I do now...

I've always loved storms and the cold.
Now I can't seem to be in airconditioning with a hoody and we just started to have a storm... and I... I feel scared, like something bad could happen, and the air feels too cold and harsh...

What is happening to me?



The other day at work, a few guests of ours were talking to us in the lobby. As they were leaving I told them that if they needed anything else to let us know. One of the ladies, who was slightly tipsy, jokingly asked me to hug the older gentleman who was with them. I said "no" and he said "no", but just as they were leaving she turned around and said, "well, I need a hug." and before I knew what was happening she had her elegant, graceful, and wealthy arms around me. What was weird, though, was that as she was pulling away, she grabbed my hands and with all earnesty, she looked into my eyes and said, "It's not all bad, it's not all bad..." I didn't know what to say or do. She said it with such conviction and reassurance. It was as if she had switched into someone else for a split second before returning to her regular tipsy, smiley self. And she turned around and laughed about something different, and left up the elevator...
I don't know why she did that. I don't know what possesed her to say that...
...but somehow... I know that was meant for me...

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