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Lust
Wednesday. 2.11.15 6:25 pm
After how last night went, I'm pretty convinced that I'm in love with a motorcycle.

I went out to dinner, per the recommendation of a friend, because I looked awesome and I wanted others to see the awesome. I actually ended up meeting up with the friend who provided the recommendation, much to my pleasant surprise, and we bullshitted about work crap over yummy food and drinks. When the place started to get crowded, we headed back and I fawned over his new motorcycle. I sat on it for probably a good 10 or so minutes and if my bladder hadn't been screaming at me, I most likely would have had to be bribed to get off of it.

I seriously can't wait until I get the chance to ride on the back of it. It's been so long and I yearn so much for that feeling again. After I got back home, we talked a little bit more about the motorcycle, and I ended up staying awake until after midnight just browsing through pictures online of different types of bikes that I'd love to ride someday.

Due to the fact that I was up far later than I should have been, tonight is definitely going to be an early night. Unless, on the serious off chance that someone suddenly wants to go do something {depending on the someone and something that they want to do} I am going nowhere else this evening. And since no one seems to be responding to my texts at the moment, I think it's pretty set in stone that I'm in for the night.

Tomorrow is Thursday and we actually just found out that Friday isn't going to be as awesome as originally anticipated. The guy who we were hoping to work with found out he's not allowed to come back and work with us part time. They're blaming it on the union/non union issue, but we think it's because of the pay that they don't want to have to provide. Which is bullshit, but whatever. I guess there's still some good aspects about Friday. No idea what tomorrow being Thursday had anything to do with this news, but I don't feel like going back and deleting it so it stays.

Alright, time to do something for the time being so that I don't go to bed too early. I'd really rather not wake up at 3. Though, for the past few mornings, I've been waking up at 4:30 or 5, which is when I was supposed to get up for my security job. Not sure why a month and a half later my body is reverting back to that schedule. Fingers crossed I'm tired enough to just sleep through until my alarm.

Two more days of work ... I can do this ...

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Not yet Canada
Monday. 2.9.15 6:07 pm
I felt quite a bit better after my blog entry the other day. And I felt even better yesterday, including ending the evening with a smile on my face. It was such a strange weekend for my hormones. I'm glad that I ended up staying in this weekend. I'm not sure I would have been much company for anyone with as seemingly bipolar as my emotions were. They were just all over the place. It's probably safer that I didn't interact with anyone ... I might have lost friends in the process, for no reason.

After the blog entry, I was able to actually fall asleep and get a decent amount of sleep. No dreams to interrupt or cause panic. No unpleasant thoughts or too much wishful thinking getting in the way of what turned out to be a solid night of sleep. I even ventured out to the store to buy some food stuffs for the week. I had stuff to eat at work, but nothing to eat for dinner so I bought a few more meals to get me through the week. So I guess the trip to Canada will have to wait until another time.

I've started eating in semi-regular intervals along with healthy snacks to go with each meal. I'll have a banana in the morning, yogurt, carrots and peanut butter with my lunch and then a few pieces of dark chocolate after my dinner. I'm not eating right before I go to bed anymore. I can go on like this for a while; it's definitely cheaper, but I'll have to splurge a little bit each weekend just so that I don't overdo it during the week. This coming weekend, for example, I'll be eating out at least once, possibly twice, so that'll count as my splurge. Then next week I'll be good to eat healthier for the whole week without the urge to stray.

I'm really not sure why I got so out of whack over this past weekend, but I'm glad it's passed. Hopefully it's a while before I get down again. . . at least to that point.

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Times two
Saturday. 2.7.15 7:23 pm
Because I can, goddammit.

I finally was able to fall back to sleep sometime between 4:30 and 5. I slept until 8:30 and gave up trying to fall back to sleep around 9. I threw in my laundry and got set up at the computer, knowing full well it would be my closest friend today. Halfway through my clothes being in the dryer, still angry with myself for how things had transpired in my mind during my awake time in the middle of the night, and being tired from not sleeping well, I decided that a nap was going to be necessary after the clothes had finished drying and been put away.

I completed said task and laid down. After about 10 minutes of still nothing, I felt that a nap was no longer going to suffice and would only make things worse. Instead, I got up, got dressed and headed to work knowing that the fitness center would be empty. It wasn't, but the one person in there wasn't anyone I ever cared to converse with so I shoved the buds in my ears, turned Pandora up as loud as the phone would allow me {it gave me a bullshit warning about turning the volume up too loud} and set the pace on the treadmill. The guy in there, a higher up prick who I've yet to see even crack one smile in the 4 years I've known him, was bouncing along on the elliptical and kept giving me side glances.

I knew he recognized me, but he'd only ever seen me in my security uniform and today was not the day for me to identify myself as the person no longer required to wear such an uncomfortable ensemble and make small talk about "how different you look without it!" or "so you ARE a girl under there!" Fuck off jerks. I know I look different. You could just say something nice and complimentary instead of sarcastic jokes.

Anywho, I digress. So here I am on the treadmill, music blasting in my ears, finally breaking up some of the pent up crap weighing on my mind. After about 20 minutes of chugging away at a 1.5 incline going at a speed higher than I normally go {I think it was 4.3 or 4.5, when I'm normally sitting right around 3.9 - 4.1} I start to get quite sweaty and I can see my tone changing colors in the reflection on the black, blank screen of the TV. It's at this point I would really like to slow down, but that would mean Mr. side-glancing prick would have the opportunity to make some kind of remark, except he hops off the machine and heads out. I wait about 5 seconds before hitting the cool down button on the panel and work on regulating my breathing and heart rate back to normal.

I get back to my car, roll down the windows, take a few big gulps of the water I had, turned up the radio, not giving a fuck who would hear the shitty music that plays on the radio, and headed back home. Halfway through my shower, I finally started to feel a bit more refreshed. A few hours later, all the adrenaline that had built up was wearing down and I decided to nap anyway. Mistake? Yeah. It was no more of a good idea after the jog than it was prior.

I had a fantastically pleasant dream that I would love to have happen to me in real life. Does that ever work with dreams? 99% of the time, definitely not. Whatever.

I'm clearly still agitated, but I'm not sure what else could happen that would ease my mind right now. I suppose, if I'm still awake in the middle of the night, I could just get in the car and drive to Canada. It's not like I have to be at work until Monday morning and I don't have any other plans for tomorrow.

We'll see how I feel. I guess you'll find out in a couple days what happened.

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Technically speaking
Saturday. 2.7.15 3:31 am
In sticking with my odd dates, at this point in time it is technically tomorrow.

I've been awake for two hours with obviously no success in falling back asleep, as I am here at the moment. My brain will not shut off, regardless of how much I try not to think about what's keeping me awake. Sadly, I think the reason I'm having such a hard time is because of the vicious cycle that causes you to continue thinking about the very thing you're trying not to think of. Or something like that. You people know what I mean. The harder you try not to think about something, the more you think about it. . . yeah.

I'm hoping that staring at the bright ass computer screen will make my eyes heavy and will prompt sleep so that when I finish here, I'll be able to lay back down and fall back asleep. I'd like to have a conversation with someone, but no one I know of, that will converse with me, is awake at this hour.

I thought that next weekend would be my weekend without plans, but that's been switched to this weekend. I haven't a single thing going on and I'm okay with that. I've been actively busy for what feels like every weekend over the last month or so, so I'm ready to have a weekend of nothing. I'll stay in pajamas the whole time, perhaps clean a little ... if I can actually motivate myself to do so. I never have company here so it's not like anyone is going to judge my messy place.

Next weekend I have plans Friday night, but then it's a three day weekend, with Monday off, and nothing except laundry planned for that. So maybe I'll have two weekends in a row where I'll have a couple days of nothing.

It's been a while since my insomnia has affected me this strongly. Usually it just makes me wake up several times per night or just makes it harder to fall asleep, but once I'm there I'm fine. I wish I could say I didn't know why, but I do. And it's stupid. Which is another reason why I'm glad to have a weekend of nothing. It means not having to be judged for things that I should have better control over.

Perhaps I'll venture out and buy a puzzle. Something to keep my mind/hands occupied for at least a couple hours of my time.

Weekends is when I usually wear my contacts, but because of the complete lack of sleep I'm currently getting, I know that I'll want to sleep at some point later in the day, which becomes a bad idea to do once I've put the contacts in. I wore them at work {yesterday} and ended up taking them out early so that I could go to bed.

I guess that's enough rambling for now. That's pretty much what this has become: middle of the night rambling. Perhaps I've stared at the screen long enough for me to distract my overactive brain just enough to be able to fall back asleep? I guess we'll find out.

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"In the spirit of full disclosure"
Thursday. 2.5.15 7:43 pm
I've been trying to think of the way that was phrased for quite some time now, and I finally have to look it up. I could remember "in the ___ of full disclosure" but I couldn't, for the life of me, remember what went in the blank. I typed in to the ever knowing Google and came up with what is now my title for today's entry. I'm not sure why it bugged me so much for so long. It's not like I'm going to need to use that phrase any time soon. Either way, I now know what it is... you know, just in case I ever have to voluntarily fully disclose something.

I have to remind myself to breathe and take my time with things more often than I feel I should. Though, I do feel I've gotten a lot better at taking things in stride and not reacting quite so strongly in the moment, but I do still need the reminder every so often. I feel something start to annoy me or upset me, I stop and think about why. Most of the time, it's for a reason that's not necessary for me to get worked up about, so I let it go. At least for the time being. There are going to be things that I can't just let go permanently, but this is a good start for me. For too long I've completely overreacted toward things that didn't need such a serious reaction for. It's a better-late-than-never type of thing. I'm pretty proud of myself for it.

That being said, I'm going to need to find some kind of outlet so that I don't snap at the wrong person/wrong time. This does help a bit, but only for a short period of time. I'm sure something will come up that will help me.

I wonder what it'll be ...

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Late night weeknight
Tuesday. 2.3.15 6:33 pm
I'm not sure what made me think that staying out super late on a work night was a grand idea, but it happened and I'm incredibly tired. I'll definitely be crashing early this evening.

I met up with a friend from work after I got off work and we wandered up a few blocks to this place called the Coastal Kitchen. I'd never been there so that was what kind of made up the decision. It's a place known for its seafood, yet the only seafood we got was calamari. It's fine, though. Perhaps next time I go, I'll get some fish and chips or a crab salad or something. We both had a delicious porter to go with the food and had a good time catching up on work stuff. {He works grave shift on the weekends so I never get to see him anymore.}

After dinner, we decided to wander around Downtown for a bit and made our way to Pike Place Market. He grabbed some coffee and we meandered to the waterfront. In walking past this place called Harbor Steps {a ridiculously priced apartment building on the waterfront} we made the decision to go on the Great Wheel, since he'd never been. The city is beautiful, night or day, but it was a nice ride. It's a little pricey, but it's been about a year since I was last on it and he'd never been so it was worth it.

Afterwards, we made the decision to head back, since it was around 10, except that we walked back up a set of stairs where this place called the Zig Zag Cafe was and since I'd never been there either, we decided to go in for drinks. We each got two and hung out for a bit just chatting before finally paying the bill and making our way back up the hill.

I brought him back home and crashed around 1. I was up again at 3 and didn't fall back asleep until around 5. So the little sleep that I did get was very broken. I spent most of the first half of the shift yawning. I was glad for the break in calls. It was steady enough, but not busy to the point where I couldn't keep up. I treated myself to some decadent chocolaty snacks from the French bakery across the street from work, which didn't help in the yawning department, but I'd been wanting chocolate since yesterday afternoon. It was definitely worth it.

I'm not sure when we'll get the chance to hang out again. It's challenging with him working weekend nights, but I do know that the next time, if it's a work night for me, I'll put my foot down and keep better track of the time. I'll set an alarm if I have to. As long as I'm in bed by midnight, I'll be able to get enough sleep. Anything later than that, I'm dragging the whole day.

My plan for this evening? Crash by 8, 8:30 and hope to sleep straight through until my 6:30 alarm.

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