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'round and 'round we go
Thursday. 1.18.07 1:27 am
Where we stop, nobody knows.

Ok. So I've been doing some soul searching and some thinking on my own. I tried to do this. I tried to make my decision to come back home seem right in my head. I've spun around in every direction that they (my parents) want me to and I tried to do what was right by them/for them.

I've talked about my sitiation with many diffrent people. All walks of life. I've gotten just as many opinons, ideas and suggestions. So, I've started thinking about what it is that I want. What it is that I wanted, and why I didn't go with my gut. I've come to some conclusions. Most (if not all) will not be a surprise to most anyone who knows me. I'm writing them down for preservation purposes - also so that I can set in stone what it is that I've finally figured out on my own.

I am a coward. lol, it's true! I have alot of spirit, and I want to do all these things that are in my heart for me to do - but I'm downright scared. Some people say that being scared of certain things is the best thing for you, keeps you safe. However - much like the Oscar Wilde quote to my left, the things one usually doesn't regret is their mistakes. Example, I've always had a secret longing to be an explorer. I've always wanted to do something to help the people of Africa, to go and really DO something that would mean something. But, I haven't taken a single step in that direction because I know how rough it is down there and it scares me. Yet, their situations and the lack of intrest from other nations was one of the main reasons that I wanted to become a photojournalist. It was my dream (and still to some extent is) to one day have a book published of my photos of the poor in different countries - including our own. Much like one of my heros: Dorothea Lange. She was one of the first women photogrpahers of her time and she photographed the plight of the poor during the depression. Her work is incredibly moving and has ALWAYS captivated me. Heck, I probably wouldn't even have to go outside of the USA to get photos like that. I see alot of it down here in South Texas, communities with no running water or roads that aren't paved. Heck - some of our High Schools will open earlier than usual so kids who don't have showers can use the ones in the gym locker rooms because they have nowhere to bathe at home. *sigh* As I've gotten older, my dreams have become slightly more realistic. I am clearly not an explorer - however much I would want to be. BUT! A smalltime bookstore owner (with a passion for photography) who will one day sell a book about exploring to a child who will then become an explorer?! That is a dream I can achieve.


Sorry - bit of a tangent there.

I'm also slightly avoidant. I've always known it to some extent. I will shy away from rough situations hopeing beyond hope that they will either go away or get better. I've begun to learn that this is not the case however. The situation will become stagnant. Stagnant water can become one of the most leathal things on earth - full of bacteria and nasties that can really harm a person. I don't want to be full of stagnant water. Now for an avoidant person to suddently become a person who will stand up and face a difficult situation head on takes alot. I'm not sure I'm there yet, but i'm deffinetly working on it. Example: Unfortuantely my father and I have not had a decent relationship in years upon years. It's a long story and if you're really intrested in the details you can 'note' me but I'm not going to make ya'll read through my 'woe is me' sob story. Well, I've let the relationship between us 'stagnante' (is that spelled right?) for a REALLY long time. It's gotten pretty bad. So, while I'm down here I'm going to talk things out with him. 'Work things out' if you will. That'll be another entry for another day i'm sure.

In any case, I've decided that I don't wanna stay in Laredo until May. I'd like to get back up to Denton ASAP. Unfortunately money runs the world and gas makes my car go. So, I've been job hunting. Hopefully (crosses fingers and says a silent prayer) if I get a job in the next 2 weeks I'll be able to save enough money to leave Laredo somewhere between Spring Break and Easter. We'll see how things go, there's alot of 'if's and but's' but the way things are looking - life isn't completely dark. If you look hard enough, there's usually a silver lining. Sometimes it takes a second or even a third look - sometimes....even a microscope - but it's there....somewhere.

As soon as I get up there I'm going to have to make a short term goals list. I need to learn how to talk to people. I need to learn how to stand on my own and not be so scared to fall. I need to learn how to balance my time and energy. I need to really apply myself to school and get some HARDCORE grades out of there. I want to branch out and meet some people. Meet all sorts of people - really get to know them, and let them get to know me. I want to keep growing in God. This last one I really mean. See, I'm just starting to find Him and He's deffinetely starting to take notice of me (I think). I don't want to lose Him, not again. So, when I get up there I'll need to find a church. (and as a side note: I told my parents that I'm now going to a Christian church. My mom is 'weary' of it, but she can tell how much closer I am to Him now so she didn't say much.)

As for an update on my 'short term goals list'?
I've been running for a straight week. (this impresses even ME!)
I've started a book. (Elizabeth and Mary - it's a biography on both women as they took power and the struggles they went though. This is one of my favorite times in history (but what time ISN'T!) and the way the author potrays both women as so incredibly different and yet similar in more ways than they probably even knew themselves is awesome. I'm really liking it so far)
I am yet to take my brother out to the tennis court. (negative cool points)
I struck up a SMALL converstaion with some random person at church. (yeay! *side note: guy who plays piano in the worship band? Really.Cute*)

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An explanation...
Friday. 1.12.07 8:39 pm
And an inside joke

Helena
How happy some o'er other some can be!
Through Athens I am thought as fair as she.
But what of that? Demetrius thinks not so;
He will not know what all but he do know.
And as he errs, doting on Hermia's eyes,
So I, admiring of his qualities.
Things base and vile, holding no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

Nor hath Love's mind of any judgment taste;
Wings, and no eyes, figure unheedy haste.
And therefore is Love said to be a child,
Because in choice he is so oft beguiled.
As waggish boys in game themselves forswear,
So the boy Love is perjured everywhere.
For ere Demetrius looked on Hermia's eyne,
He hailed down oaths that he was only mine;
And when this hail some heat from Hermia felt,
So he dissolved, and show'rs of oaths did melt.
I will go tell him of fair Hermia's flight.
Then to the wood will he to-morrow night
Pursue her; and for this intelligence
If I have thanks, it is a dear expense.
But herein mean I to enrich my pain,
To have his sight thither and back again.

In another part of the wood...


Detemtrius

O Helena, goddess, nymph, perfect, divine!
To what, my love, shall I compare thine eyne?
Crystal is muddy. O, how ripe in show
Thy lips, those kissing cherries, tempting grow!
That pure congealed white, high Taurus snow,
Fann'd with the eastern wind, turns to a crow
When thou hold'st up thy hand: O, let me kiss
This princess of pure white, this seal of bliss!


Helena
O spite! O hell! I see you all are bent
To set against me for your merriment:
If you we re civil and knew courtesy,
You would not do me thus much injury.
Can you not hate me, as I know you do,
But you must join in souls to mock me too?
If you were men, as men you are in show,
You would not use a gentle lady so;
To vow, and swear, and superpraise my parts,
When I am sure you hate me with your hearts.
You both are rivals, and love Hermia;
And now both rivals, to mock Helena:
A trim exploit, a manly enterprise,
To conjure tears up in a poor maid's eyes
With your derision! none of noble sort
Would so offend a virgin, and extort
A poor soul's patience, all to make you sport.

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Bubbles at Stoplights
Thursday. 1.11.07 2:21 pm
Ever feel like you knew what to do about a given situation - You knew everything about it - and yet you still made the choice that seemed leaves you second guessing everything?

I was feeling down yesterday for one reason or another.
My brother noticed.

After I went to my room so that I could write everything down, he walked in and asked me what was wrong. Then we talked.

When did my brother get so smart? I know that wasn't my doing. lol. I think somewhere along the line I missed a step, or it's possible that I just never reached that step - I put myself on 'pause' I guess you could say.

"what do you want?"
I thought about it. I looked at him and he said "if you don't know, that's just sad". He's right, it is sad. I started blabbing and being stupid. He told me that I can't do this for anyone but me. I nodded and went right along being stupid. He made me laugh, gave me a hug and then left the room.

As I sat there contemplating what had just happened - I realized he's very right. I really can't do this for anyone. Anyone other than myeslf. I haven't thought of just me for a very long time. I haven't really gone after anything that I trully want in Lord knows how long. It filled me with a sense of....something. I don't really know what it was - determination, motivation, relief, or a general feeling of being content. It was something though - and it was something that's beens missing far too much in my life. As for what I want? Well, there's the short term - and long term. Long term I have far more of an idea about than short term. I'm not too worried about myself in the long run.

I made a list of goals. Short term goals - no more than 3 months.
Read a book once a month.
Strike up conversation with someone I don't know once a week.
Start running in the mornings.
Help my brother start to pick up tennis (and learn it myself while I'm at it).

Tossed in there is also "find a job" which is pretty important - but isn't quite what I would consider a goal. I had a job interview at Kirkland's yesterday. I'm not sure how it went - my heart wasn't in it and I believe the manager noticed. I'm not expecting a call back. I've applied to a few other places but the search continues. I need one pretty badly though - so I'm hopeing that I find something soon. I need to start saving hardcore.

As for the title? Well, I've had left over bubbles from Lauren's wedding sitting in my car for awhile. So today as I ran some errands for my mom - everytime I was at a stoplight...I blew a few out the window. It made me smile.

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Overweight
Tuesday. 1.9.07 12:28 am

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long? (ha!)

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall

I want to tear away the death again
A whiter shade of fucking meth again
I want to stick to clues, I want to come unglued
I want to shape the world to fit the way you move
Oh, should I listen for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happy
This is no longer about me

Trade rules, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
Let him be you through your beautiful cries
Let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
Live your life just like a dream
Without the pain of goodbyes
Goodbye!

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I been a drunk disrespectful little street punk
Unlock the back of my trunk
You see, you take this bat
And bash my head into the street again
No-ones around so I keep beating it

Pull my hair back, look me in the eye
There's a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
It's the guilt of what reality has given me
Making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity
And when you're sick you seem to think
You've failed eternally


And that the people you let in are only crumbling
When you're sick of thinking life in this recovery
When my decision paved the road
That lies in front of me

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will


Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

But are we scared to take the ride?
Or dare to look inside?
I'm floating far away (far away)
I'm floating far away (leaving home)
I'm floating far away (so far away)
I'm floating far away

I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the girl, I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother know
He saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years he's been my friend
Who's always there


Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?

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