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this is a rant, it doesn't make much sense.
Sunday. 2.17.13 6:19 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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general stuff
Saturday. 2.16.13 7:36 pm

We had this project, back in eleventh grade, where we had to make a presentation based on our top three job choices. And I had no idea. It's hard to want to be anything, in high school, when everything we're learning is boiled down so anyone can learn it and straight from a textbook.

In college, I'm having the exact opposite problem. That's why I ended up just choosing the easiest route for my credit hours and what I've already completed. I would love to be so many things, because learning and then discussing that knowledge is so COOOOOL.

This has been a really funky semester, so far. I've lost trust in a lot of people I depended on most, disconnected with others, and haven't been able to see even more of them because they're studying elsewhere for a semester.

So, there's your explanation on why I'm sitting around at home on a Saturday night. Time to make some new friends, and get closer with the ones I already (and still) have around.

I've also just been studying a lot, though, let's be honest. Taking two Spanish classes isn't bad, but it's kind of weird to have to make two separate notecard stacks for Spanish vocabulary that I'm supposed to be learning at the same time. Hopefully, as I move upwards in my classes, the vocab will be less important and grammar and readings will take precedence. That would be easier to organize. My big black binder of study materials (yes) might get too full, otherwise.

I'm also making General Spanish Principles notecards, because 1) I need the review, and 2) I can lend them out to my students before their tests for extra study materials. Very helpful for memorizing irregular verbs and essential phrases.

Basically I kind of feel gratified when I'm super-prepared. It was frustrating, for a while there, because all my classes were easy and I didn't have to do anything. Now, studying finally feels useful. It's nice.

Dating on the back burner. I don't like thinking about romance, but I always end up thinking about it quite a lot, based on the situations I get myself into. Just...Spanish. Spanish and volunteering and other interesting things.

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the possum in his closet
Friday. 2.15.13 7:35 pm

This interview, in which Aziz Ansari casually convinces me to marry him.

Phone calls are important. Talking is important. I don't like this texting business going on with my New York person, and I think, if things don't start getting a bit less...chatty, I might have to pull a Monster.

...Usually I say, "Pull a [last name of SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW (SOMEBODYYY)]" but this is NuTang so hello, Pull a Monster.


It was very quickly decided, once, when our romance was legitimate and not yet the romantic equivalent of Macaulay Culkin in his adult years, that we would not be so romantically persistent because there was great distance between us, and the monster was particularly opposed to phone calls (PS when someone far away says they "would date you right now" but that they don't like phone calls, run like they've just poured gasoline on you and are lighting a match). This was his decision, even though I was starting to feel...caged in our texting. The monotony was becoming very apparent.

BUT, it took sixty-odd days to get there, and that I'm oopskindofproudof. Those were mostly good days, I don't care what came after.

Anyway, at that point, things disintegrated and became increasingly complex and intermittently painful. That's what happens when you pull a monster--you end that initial habit, and make distance so that it doesn't start up again. Even if you're just doing this for a couple of months, you're essentially dooming the relationship (though, maybe it was doomed from the moment it didn't really become a relationship, but rather some place in between where there was mutual affection but too much distance and time between).

But now I get it.

Now I freaking get it.

It's done for either way. You either tell this person that there needs to be more distance, because things are moving along artificially (text does not sustain real conversation--you can't connect via text that well, I'm sorry) and it won't support a real romance, and the relationship becomes almost certainly doomed because you almost feel uncomfortable and angry when the other person somehow violates that distance...OR, you let it keep going and you become so claustrophobic, so exhausted from putting up with monotony that, someday, the tension snaps and the relationship ends.

Third choice is, of course, that both parties stop naturally and things continue to take their course of action. Whether things work out or not...well, that's up to the two individuals, and what it's like when they're together...

But I get it. I totally get it.

And, I definitely need to see if I can't stop the everyday texting (yeah, I know, bad Unicornasaurus. Bad idea), before it turns into a, We Need To Seriously Slow Down and Take Some Distance.

Because I'm starting to feel like I'm just pacing in a cage, again. It's more extreme than last time, but I also wasn't the one to suggest "taking distance," last time. Maybe this is how he felt.

Maybe he's just a jackass, but just maybe this is how he felt.

Probably both.

Just...right now, I'm doing what makes sense, which is to take space if I need space. He knows the deal--we've been feeling this whole thing out, and that takes time, so we should be moving so slowly, staying free agents, et cetera.

But I think that--like I did, once--he's changed his hopes.

Knew it was too easy. The fates love pairing the elusive unicornasaurus with blatant, glaring parallels. It's like a game. See How Obvious We Can Make It Without Her Noticing.


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dat satire
Thursday. 2.14.13 6:21 pm

Really loving all the self-love statuses about how Valentine's Day isn't just for couples, but, personally, I just went ahead and opted for the neon sign which reads, "I AM UNHAPPILY SINGLE." Saves me SO much trouble, on days like today.

I GOT MY HIKING BOOTS, TODAY. They were eighty bucks off the regular price, on eBay, just because they're a little marked up. But they're hiking boots! You won't know what color they were supposed to be for long, anyway! And in either case, they make me feel like I'm walking on air. I'm so excited to get them out into the mountains. Overall awesome day.

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