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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Slightly better but tired now [4P]
Thursday, September 7, 2017
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Abrupt turn around [4P]
Thursday, September 7, 2017
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Second entry of the day
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
I did end up going to cycle class. Didn't run afterwards though. Felt kind of lazy for just doing the one class and nothing else, but it was cardio + upper body so... I dunno, that kind of helps.

Birthday is in two weeks and thinking about it is kind of stressing me out. I need to plan it and tell people so that they can mark it on their calendars, but I feel overwhelmed by the logistics.

I feel like one of the big differences between "I feel fine" and "I feel terrible" is how hard things seem. On a good day I can go and wash all the dishes in the sink, clean the kitchen, cook for myself, and enjoy the whole process, but on a bad day, even thinking about doing any of those things makes me feel anxious and exhausted. Maybe I just need to work on forcing myself to do them instead of thinking about them. The thoughts are draining.

Still need to write up a critique for my new writing buddy and write a piece in response to the prompt he gave me... I haven't really been feeling like writing anything long, although I have still been jotting down snippets of poetry if they come to me. I have some ideas floating around in my head for the story I'm going to write, but nothing too concrete. Then again, I rarely plan out what I'm going to write. Things just... come to me. In a way I feel like my writing process is incredibly lazy and thoughtless, because I kinda just go with the flow and rarely edit, but... people seem to be okay with that. -Shrug- I'm lucky that people think I'm already a good writer... really not motivated to get better at it. >_>

Finally went grocery shopping with my dad today. We hit up Grocery Outlet and I got five boxes of Power Bar protein bars because they were $3.75 for a box of 15. Hell yeah. This might help with my energy levels at the gym, since I've been struggling to eat enough to have adequate energy for workouts.

Here's a song Youtube has been pushing at me for awhile:

"I Miss You So" by Salami Rose Joe Louis.

It sounds like sitting in a quiet, dimly lit coffee shop in the city by yourself, stirring the lukewarm remainder of the drink in your cup, and alternating between staring out the window at the streetlights and across the table at the empty chair in front of you. It's almost closing time, and you can't stay here forever.

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Welp... time to redo
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
I got logged out somehow after starting to write this entry, so I lost the entire thing and now I have to rewrite it.

"Strict Machine" by Goldfrapp.

I really don't feel like trying to rewrite everything I had before, so here's the summary:

-Ran three miles yesterday. (Ran 2.25, took a break to do Bosu plank, squats, burpees, ran 0.75).
-Might go to cycle class tonight but I dunno, we'll see.
-Downloaded a 90s dance hits mix that made running easier.
-Running longer goes better when I set a goal (e.g. 2 miles) and then stretch it a little when I get close to the goal ("I'll just go to 2.05," "Might as well go to 2.15" etc.). It's easier to go farther when you're already really close to your new goal.

-Conversation last night got me wondering if I'll ever feel some of the things I used to feel again, or if I'm just a different person now.

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Good day + constructive talk [DP]
Sunday, September 3, 2017
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Scattered musings from today
Friday, September 1, 2017
"You Never Knew" by Negative Gemini.

I thought a lot about dying today. I mean, compared to normal, that is. I think about dying all the time, but today I thought about it more frequently. My parents drove down south to visit my aunt and uncle at their new house, and I had to take them to my other aunt and uncle's house so they could carpool. Coming back from there meant driving along the road where I got into the accident last year. Although I'd driven that way by myself since the accident, it had been a pretty long time, and my mom kept asking if I would be okay. I told her it didn't really matter, because I get anxiety now whenever I go around a curve anyway (it's just that the amount of anxiety varies).

The whole way home, I imagined what would happen if another car hit me on the road, or if I didn't brake in time and slammed into another car. When would my parents find out? When would my friends find out? Would I die on the road or would they cart me to a hospital first? I thought about what it was like to be in the car for the accident last year, and the noises, and hearing myself screaming without realizing that it was coming from me. When the car landed upright, I sat there staring ahead, gripping the steering wheel hard, my whole body rigid and tense. When I heard someone calling out to me, asking if I was able to get out of the vehicle, it was like waking up from a dream, and I couldn't really understand what had happened or how I got there. Then I realized that the radio was silent.

It's hard for me to drive without music playing. If there's nothing to occupy my white noise thoughts then there's more space for anxiety. I guess music is kind of like a security blanket for me in that way. It helps drown out the bad stuff in my head.


My friends were busy tonight, so I went to the art walk downtown by myself. It was... a strangely emotional experience. In the quilt and textile museum I saw some quilts that were the winning pieces in the Japan Handicraft Instructors Association, and they were absolutely amazing. I don't think I've ever been so stunned by quilts before. I wish I had taken pictures of more of them... I only got one picture, of a quilt named "I touched your scar in the dark". For some reason beyond my descriptive abilities, the name of that quilt struck me deeply. It evoked this intensely intimate, vulnerable imagery, as well as feelings of loss, distance, loneliness, and pain. It reminded me of lying awake in the dark next to a sleeping figure, physically close but... alone.

I think, no matter what I might feel for the person sleeping next to me, if they're asleep and I'm awake, it is lonely to be the only conscious body in the bed. The separation feels so profound, even though I know that in theory I could wake them up if I wanted to. It feels like an uncrossable distance, a metaphysical Grand Canyon. Seeing as how I find it very difficult to sleep around other people, I've been in this lonely spot a fair number of times, now.

Despite my dislike of platitudes, there is something I find fascinating about clich�s, and I often find myself unraveling them in my mind. "So close, and yet so far" is such a tired and overused expression that it's practically meaningless, but it does succinctly describe the feeling of being awake next to someone asleep, in a way. I mean, it takes all of the emotional complexity and depth out of it, but it does apply. I've had this longstanding habit of using these kinds of sayings and aphorisms as axioms in the logical propositions I spin for myself about life. I don't know why; I guess maybe I just like to reinterpret what I know until it makes sense within the current framework of my life. These little sayings are like shortcuts, verbal placeholders in my philosophical formulas.


I think, once I have some spending money, I'm going to get this book:

The Lover's Dictionary: A Novel by David Levithan.


Last night, after my weekly Skype call with friends, Sean and I stayed on for awhile and talked, just the two of us. I ended up opening up to him about a number of things that have been on my mind, and... it was hard, and it was sad, but I felt heard, and that was nice. Back when we first became friends I felt like I could be open with him, but there was a long period where I didn't feel like he was really listening to me, so I didn't talk to him as much about things, and I felt like we grew a little more distant. But yeah... last night was better. There's no resolution, but I didn't need a resolution, I just wanted to feel understood, I guess. That's all I really want, most of the time. It just happens very rarely. Sometimes I wonder if the part of me that lets me feel connected to other people broke a long time ago.

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Hair progress... [2P]
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
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I'm in a strange half-awake state
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
I've been browsing through Gabriel Picolo's Icarus and the Sun on Tumblr, and this one got me right in the feels: (Click)

Not always into these romantic/sappy/moody things but I guess I do like this one. The art style is nice as well.


A guy on OKC wants to get into writing regularly, so I offered to give him writing prompts/critiques if he wanted, and he took me up on the offer. He might give me some prompts back, so we'll see how that goes. It might be nice to get back into writing more often. I write here, and I've been writing a bit of poetry on the down low (not for sharing though), but nothing really... too creative. Might be cool to have a writing buddy like my friend Mike has, although I don't know what this guy's style is. Fingers crossed that it's not cringey and terrible.

I don't really know many explicit rules for writing, but having read so much, I guess I have something of an intuition for what I think is good vs. bad writing. Some people don't have a sense of all the connotations of words, and then you get really awkward phrasings of things, or just weird descriptions that take you out of what you're reading (if you were able to feel immersed in the first place, that is). Good writing, in my opinion, submerges you in the world of the piece and feels seamless, natural. Like breathing air. For fiction, anyway. Nonfiction is a different creature entirely.

So yeah, looking forward to how this writing thing goes.

"Hold Still" by Grizzly Bear.

Here we go again
We�ll carry on, my only friends
I�ll take one chance without compromise
There isn�t anything left to try

Here we go again
We�ll carry on, but then again
We couldn�t take this on, the story goes unformed
As if we never were there at all

I love the lyrics in this song. The music itself feels like hot days at the end of summer, rust, tall dry grass, empty air in the shade, and the temporary infinity of waiting for something unknown.

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