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January 2020

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People tell me THIS is actually me...
Tuesday. 2.13.07 12:10 pm

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Sharks are fish.
Thursday. 2.8.07 12:04 pm
So, first off - I hate Red Lobster. It's not that the people suck, or that the work is too hard, or even that I can't do it. No, it's the stability of the work that's driving me up the wall. Hours? Who knows. How much will I get paid? Who knows. At the current moment I am really not up leaving my paycheck in the hands of other people. So, to rectify this unfortunate choice in employment - I applied as a tutor/after school program assitant at one of the local school district. I'll be appling to the other school district as soon as all my school transcripts come in. I also applied at one of the movie theaters around here. With my experience and one of my best friends (who worked there for a year and a half) as a refrence - I'm nearly positive that I'll get the job. Am I content with this decision? It's a toss up - and my heart is still on a pendulem about it all. At momments I'm ok with it. I think to myself - Well, it's halfway over. At other times I think I can't do it and want to scream at the top of my lungs. I've decided to stick it out for as long as I can. I hope that I can save enough money in enough time to take off relatively soon.

I also talked to my father. Told him all I needed to tell him about us. I cried, I screamed I did my thing. He sat next to me and argued for a little while here and there - but basically he said nothing except I'm sorry. Then he fell asleep. The fact that he fell asleep means more to me than the 'I'm sorry's'. It's hard to explain - but it's true. So, now he wants to try and better our relationship; I don't know what he can do, and I told him that straight up. He asked if I could forgive him - I said 'yes, eventually'. I know it wasn't dramatic or impressive but it was what it was. He asked at one point if this was what I wanted - if having a better relationship with him was what I wanted. I said the first thing that came into my head, because it was true, 'I don't know'.

I've also been going to church. I want to try and get into a small group but I'm torn about it. Which is weird I know but let me explain: See, one of my close friends with whom I have been neighbors with for over 18 years is the leader of the college aged small group. Which seems fine and dandy doesn't it? Well, I have this thing - Sometimes I think that people get protective of their space (which may or may not ever be the case) but I don't want to be stepping on any toes. She's been a leader for years - years upon years. I just don't want her to be feeling akward because I'm there ya know? So, I'm just not sure. I'm just not sure.

On the other hand, I've discovered a nook. My own little corner where I can get away from everything while i'm here. See that same neighbor that I was talking about previously? Well, they moved out of their house a few months ago so it's been abandoned for quite a bit. They have a nice little porch with a swing under it so I've been seeking solitude there. Technically it's a car porch so it's covered on 3 sides by brick so it's about as lonely as you can get. I've taken up writing a bit more and I've also taken up doodling - which I used to do quite often but have in recent years not done as much. I've been trying to read whenever I can but am yet to get through the one book that I've been working on for about a month (Watership Down).

There's also a few things that I've been trying to work out personally. My self-image and self-worth to be exact. I've always known that I have issue with this particular area in my life - but hasn't been until recently, with a few well placed words - that I've realized just how bad this really and trully is. Where it comes from or how to fix it, I'm not sure.

I feel washed upon
a familiar shore
and now that I'm on solid ground
I feel like I was actually home at sea.

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Got this link from Zanzibar
Monday. 1.29.07 11:27 pm
yea. just highlight it.

Almost Perfect- INFP
26% Extraversion, 60% Intuition, 33% Thinking, 40% Judging
So, you want to make the world a better place? Too bad it's never gonna happen.

Of all the types, you have to be one of the hardest to find fault in. You have a selfless and caring nature. You're a good listener and someone who wants to avoid conflict. You genuinely desire to do good.

Of course, these all add up to an incredibly overpowered conscience which makes you feel guilty and responsible when anything goes wrong. Of course, it MUST be your fault EVERYTIME.

Though you're constantly on a mission to find the truth, you have no use for hard facts and logic, which is a source of great confusion for those of us with brains. Despite this, in a losing argument, you're not above spouting off inaccurate fact after fact in an effort to protect your precious values.

You're most probably a perfectionist, which in this case, is a bad thing. Any group work is destined to fail because of your incredibly high standards.

Disregard what I said before. You're just easy to find fault in as everyone else!

Luckily, you're generally very hard on yourself, meaning I don't need to waste my precious time insulting you. Instead, just find all your own faults and insult yourself.

Link: The Brutally Honest Personality Test written by UltimateMaster on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

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With not even the crickets to comfort you
Sunday. 1.28.07 2:24 pm
I wish I wasn't so dependent. It's rather stupid - and I know it. Not to mention I didn't used to be - where did this come from?

in any case...

These past few days have been.....intresting.
I'm still on cloud 9.
But I'm not sure how to tell people.

Also, I got a job. Waitressing at Red Lobster.

They tell me it's good money - or that there's at least the opprotunity for good money. *fingers crossed that I don't drop a full tray covered with food all over someone*

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