Days of the year
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People tell me THIS is actually me...
Tuesday. 2.13.07 12:10 pm
Sharks are fish.
Thursday. 2.8.07 12:04 pm
So, first off - I hate Red Lobster. It's not that the people suck, or that the work is too hard, or even that I can't do it. No, it's the stability of the work that's driving me up the wall. Hours? Who knows. How much will I get paid? Who knows. At the current moment I am really not up leaving my paycheck in the hands of other people. So, to rectify this unfortunate choice in employment - I applied as a tutor/after school program assitant at one of the local school district. I'll be appling to the other school district as soon as all my school transcripts come in. I also applied at one of the movie theaters around here. With my experience and one of my best friends (who worked there for a year and a half) as a refrence - I'm nearly positive that I'll get the job. Am I content with this decision? It's a toss up - and my heart is still on a pendulem about it all. At momments I'm ok with it. I think to myself - Well, it's halfway over. At other times I think I can't do it and want to scream at the top of my lungs. I've decided to stick it out for as long as I can. I hope that I can save enough money in enough time to take off relatively soon.
I also talked to my father. Told him all I needed to tell him about us. I cried, I screamed I did my thing. He sat next to me and argued for a little while here and there - but basically he said nothing except I'm sorry. Then he fell asleep. The fact that he fell asleep means more to me than the 'I'm sorry's'. It's hard to explain - but it's true. So, now he wants to try and better our relationship; I don't know what he can do, and I told him that straight up. He asked if I could forgive him - I said 'yes, eventually'. I know it wasn't dramatic or impressive but it was what it was. He asked at one point if this was what I wanted - if having a better relationship with him was what I wanted. I said the first thing that came into my head, because it was true, 'I don't know'.
I've also been going to church. I want to try and get into a small group but I'm torn about it. Which is weird I know but let me explain: See, one of my close friends with whom I have been neighbors with for over 18 years is the leader of the college aged small group. Which seems fine and dandy doesn't it? Well, I have this thing - Sometimes I think that people get protective of their space (which may or may not ever be the case) but I don't want to be stepping on any toes. She's been a leader for years - years upon years. I just don't want her to be feeling akward because I'm there ya know? So, I'm just not sure. I'm just not sure.
On the other hand, I've discovered a nook. My own little corner where I can get away from everything while i'm here. See that same neighbor that I was talking about previously? Well, they moved out of their house a few months ago so it's been abandoned for quite a bit. They have a nice little porch with a swing under it so I've been seeking solitude there. Technically it's a car porch so it's covered on 3 sides by brick so it's about as lonely as you can get. I've taken up writing a bit more and I've also taken up doodling - which I used to do quite often but have in recent years not done as much. I've been trying to read whenever I can but am yet to get through the one book that I've been working on for about a month (Watership Down).
There's also a few things that I've been trying to work out personally. My self-image and self-worth to be exact. I've always known that I have issue with this particular area in my life - but hasn't been until recently, with a few well placed words - that I've realized just how bad this really and trully is. Where it comes from or how to fix it, I'm not sure.
I feel washed upon
a familiar shore
and now that I'm on solid ground
I feel like I was actually home at sea.
Got this link from Zanzibar
Monday. 1.29.07 11:27 pm
yea. just highlight it.
With not even the crickets to comfort you
Sunday. 1.28.07 2:24 pm
I wish I wasn't so dependent. It's rather stupid - and I know it. Not to mention I didn't used to be - where did this come from?
in any case...
These past few days have been.....intresting.
I'm still on cloud 9.
But I'm not sure how to tell people.
Also, I got a job. Waitressing at Red Lobster.
They tell me it's good money - or that there's at least the opprotunity for good money. *fingers crossed that I don't drop a full tray covered with food all over someone*
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