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where am I at?
Monday. 2.19.07 6:08 pm
*screams loudly into pillow*

Alright. So, Red Lobster (for a number of reasons) didn't work out so well. So, I got another job. At the local run-down movie theater. The only really positive thing I have to say is that they've let me usher and work box far more than they've made me work concession. On the other hand, I've only worked a weekend and so far have been yelled at multiple times for not being able to understand spanish. Also, a good number of my co-workers speak only spanish or just barely enough english for me to piece together a seemingly decent conversation. It's not that I mind any of this, but in a work setting where pace counts, it can be utterly infuriating. I've also had to take GREAT pains to stay as far away as possible from Bridge to Terabithia so that I don't see a single second of it. As that is my all time favorite child's book (I've been in love with that story since 2nd grade) I refuse to watch it with anyone other than someone I know would trully enjoy it with me.

As for stuff with family? Ah, well - there's a question for the ages. My mom's recovering well from her surgery. She's still in a neckbrace and hasn't been able to sleep in a bed since the last week of January. She's been walking around though, and it appears that all her cuts are healing very well and without infection. She still gets really tired after doing small things like taking a walk but that's just about the only complaint she has. My dad on the other hand has recently been feeling 'off'. I kind of scared him into thinking it was a heart attack, and while I should feel bad about that - I kind of don't. Mostly because I've been scared for him about that for years. YEARS. So, maybe this'll make him realize that he needs to take better care of himself. He went to the doctor earlier today and he says that more than likely he has an infected gall bladder. So, that's ANOTHER surgery that more than likely well on it's way. On the other hand my brother got a job that he seems to really like. He's a cook at the Sonic down here. He's working with 2 of his really good friends and now he has money to spend on his girlfriend, which is what he wanted.

My mom and I had a really big argument over my current situation and at one point things started to get really intense. Then I hear from over the computer desk the sound of a small bell, then I hear it again in a diffrent pitch. My mom and I stop and turn to face the desk that our computer sits on. A few years ago my Grandmother (grams) brought back a musical figuring of the Holy Family. It's Joseph, Mary and the baby Jesus. It had started playing. We haven't wound it up in YEARS. There was no reason for it to go off. My mom looked at me smiled and said "it's Bob". I looked at her and said "yea, he knows how upset I am". I was sarcastic of course, but it calmed us both down. Bob is the ghost that lives in my house. I'm not really sure that there's a ghost residing here or not - but I know that things always happen to me when I'm in this house. Doors opening or closing, voices, the feeling that someone has walked into the room, rockings chairs rocking, stuff like that. I'm the only one that puts any stock into it. My mom and brother both make a joke of it and humor me, my father (who is INCREDIBLY supersitious - especially with his family background) on the other hand outright denies ANY existance of him. Completely refuses to believe in him at all.

My friends lives are going on as they always have. Christie (ex-neighbor/church) is trying to raise enough money to go to Greece for the summer so she can start a college based bible study with the organization CRU. Monica is trying desprately to graduate and keep her relationship with her boyfriend on solid ground. Though, that grows more and more shaky the closer they get to talking about getting married. He wants to stay in Laredo with his family - in fact, he wants to move down the street from his mom. She wants to see the world and live outside of Laredo for as long as she wants to. Mel is working steadily as always. She and her boyfriend moved into an apartment together and things there seem as alright as can be expected. Her sister got an apartment across the way (litterally less than 50 feet away) and she seems to be as happy as can be expected. Priscilla is still with her boyfriend of 3 years but is planning to move to Austin (with the rest of her family) in a years time. Kel is going to school and with her boyfriend, not much else there, lol. Carlos is at school. Alonzo is still my single twin but is doing well. Marco is back at school and now has the opprotunity to become a manager of one of the Banana Republic stores in San Marcos. Hm, not sure anyone cares all that much about all of that - so if you read that - Thank you.

I've been thinking alot about my future recently. What it is I want and what it is I need to do to get there. So, as of now I'm an english lit major/ european history minor. Yet, I want nothing more than to open my own bookstore. My own Bookstore. The thought is a happy one. But, where do I want to do this? I know it won't be in Laredo, but then - where. Every road is open to me at this point. San Antonio? nah, too much family. Austin? nah, too busy. Dallas? nah, too big. Fort Worth? well, it's deff. an option I'm intrested in. However, do I even want to stay in the Lone Star State? If not here, then where? Where?! It's at the same time terrifying to the point of making me "tharn" (Watership down refrence: it means to be scared into staying completely still unable to move despite the situation) and exciting to the point of making me want to do it all. Yet, how do I do that? I know nothing of running a business, and how would my degree help with that at all? And then I have this new nagging sensation in the back of my head. I've recently had this new idea pop into my head but I don't know if it's even anything other than a passing 'what if'. What if I were to do some kind of missionary work? Is that something that's for me? At all? Ever? That's never anything that I had ever even considered. I'm off-beat with my friends and completely plain jane with the rest of 'em. I'm being stupid...and bipolar...and stupid.

There's more on the way.
Of that,
I'm sure.

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People tell me THIS is actually me...
Tuesday. 2.13.07 12:10 pm

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Sharks are fish.
Thursday. 2.8.07 12:04 pm
So, first off - I hate Red Lobster. It's not that the people suck, or that the work is too hard, or even that I can't do it. No, it's the stability of the work that's driving me up the wall. Hours? Who knows. How much will I get paid? Who knows. At the current moment I am really not up leaving my paycheck in the hands of other people. So, to rectify this unfortunate choice in employment - I applied as a tutor/after school program assitant at one of the local school district. I'll be appling to the other school district as soon as all my school transcripts come in. I also applied at one of the movie theaters around here. With my experience and one of my best friends (who worked there for a year and a half) as a refrence - I'm nearly positive that I'll get the job. Am I content with this decision? It's a toss up - and my heart is still on a pendulem about it all. At momments I'm ok with it. I think to myself - Well, it's halfway over. At other times I think I can't do it and want to scream at the top of my lungs. I've decided to stick it out for as long as I can. I hope that I can save enough money in enough time to take off relatively soon.

I also talked to my father. Told him all I needed to tell him about us. I cried, I screamed I did my thing. He sat next to me and argued for a little while here and there - but basically he said nothing except I'm sorry. Then he fell asleep. The fact that he fell asleep means more to me than the 'I'm sorry's'. It's hard to explain - but it's true. So, now he wants to try and better our relationship; I don't know what he can do, and I told him that straight up. He asked if I could forgive him - I said 'yes, eventually'. I know it wasn't dramatic or impressive but it was what it was. He asked at one point if this was what I wanted - if having a better relationship with him was what I wanted. I said the first thing that came into my head, because it was true, 'I don't know'.

I've also been going to church. I want to try and get into a small group but I'm torn about it. Which is weird I know but let me explain: See, one of my close friends with whom I have been neighbors with for over 18 years is the leader of the college aged small group. Which seems fine and dandy doesn't it? Well, I have this thing - Sometimes I think that people get protective of their space (which may or may not ever be the case) but I don't want to be stepping on any toes. She's been a leader for years - years upon years. I just don't want her to be feeling akward because I'm there ya know? So, I'm just not sure. I'm just not sure.

On the other hand, I've discovered a nook. My own little corner where I can get away from everything while i'm here. See that same neighbor that I was talking about previously? Well, they moved out of their house a few months ago so it's been abandoned for quite a bit. They have a nice little porch with a swing under it so I've been seeking solitude there. Technically it's a car porch so it's covered on 3 sides by brick so it's about as lonely as you can get. I've taken up writing a bit more and I've also taken up doodling - which I used to do quite often but have in recent years not done as much. I've been trying to read whenever I can but am yet to get through the one book that I've been working on for about a month (Watership Down).

There's also a few things that I've been trying to work out personally. My self-image and self-worth to be exact. I've always known that I have issue with this particular area in my life - but hasn't been until recently, with a few well placed words - that I've realized just how bad this really and trully is. Where it comes from or how to fix it, I'm not sure.

I feel washed upon
a familiar shore
and now that I'm on solid ground
I feel like I was actually home at sea.

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Got this link from Zanzibar
Monday. 1.29.07 11:27 pm
yea. just highlight it.

Almost Perfect- INFP
26% Extraversion, 60% Intuition, 33% Thinking, 40% Judging
So, you want to make the world a better place? Too bad it's never gonna happen.

Of all the types, you have to be one of the hardest to find fault in. You have a selfless and caring nature. You're a good listener and someone who wants to avoid conflict. You genuinely desire to do good.

Of course, these all add up to an incredibly overpowered conscience which makes you feel guilty and responsible when anything goes wrong. Of course, it MUST be your fault EVERYTIME.

Though you're constantly on a mission to find the truth, you have no use for hard facts and logic, which is a source of great confusion for those of us with brains. Despite this, in a losing argument, you're not above spouting off inaccurate fact after fact in an effort to protect your precious values.

You're most probably a perfectionist, which in this case, is a bad thing. Any group work is destined to fail because of your incredibly high standards.

Disregard what I said before. You're just easy to find fault in as everyone else!

Luckily, you're generally very hard on yourself, meaning I don't need to waste my precious time insulting you. Instead, just find all your own faults and insult yourself.

Link: The Brutally Honest Personality Test written by UltimateMaster on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

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