Thursday. 12.4.08 2:14 pm
Is she thinking of me??
If not, then what does this mean??
Or am I just crazy and chasing after some beagle on a highway that doesn't exist or may already gone?
I haven't had that good of days as of late.
And I've been keeping a secret. Yet again. But this time it's something more... more.. life impacting. And I don't know if wanna share it just yet. I don't know if it'll even work. I don't know much. I guess I just need something that isn't stained with all my worries and mistakes. Something I haven't screwed up. But I'm worried I'll screw it up again. Or that I'll be screwed up again.
So, when I got in my Jeep, put my iPod on shuffle and wound up with these songs playing, well, it naturally made me raise my eyebrows.
1. "I'm through with love" by Marilyn Monroe
2. "Through with you" by Maroon 5
3. "I still miss someone" by Johnny Cash
4. "New American Classic" by Taking Back Sunday
5. "Hate Me" by Blue October
6. "For my brother" by Blue October
7. "I'm dying" by Vast
8. "Calling you" by Blue October
9. "Moonlight Serenade" by the Swingfield Big Band
Needless to say, it made me think.
Well! I'm at work and I should start ACTUALLY working. I'm gonna put on my iPod again and see where it takes me now...
Thursday. 11.27.08 2:29 am
"It's like you don't believe in love."
Who can trully be a judge?
I'm at my wits end.
I feel as if I've hit a brick wall at 60 mph.
That either means that I'm getting hit by something incredibly strong with plenty of power, which would mean that I'm doing something to deserve it (I'm not sure whether that means I'm doing something good and getting hit by a bad force or that I'm doing something wrong and getting hit by a good force), or it could be that I've actually hit a brick wall at 60 mph.
So, what do I do?
Believe that I'm doing what's right and keep getting beat like some sort of martyr?
Stop doing whatever wrong I'm doing that I don't even know I'm doing and HOPE that that's what it is?
Or do I accept the brick wall as a dead end turn tail like a coward and a failure one. more. time...?
I never get win/win situations, do I?
All I know is that I'm hurt. Deeply wounded. And tired. And these are things no level of hugs and talks can fix. I need something else. Something bigger. Or maybe there just isn't a fix. Maybe I really will be broke for the rest of my life. Literally and metaphorically.
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