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January 2020

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well, it's not good...
Friday. 3.2.07 12:06 pm
but it's not as bad as I had hyped it up to be.

Apperently at the hospital here in Laredo they misread/took crappy quality x-rays of my dad during the whole catscan thing. They told him, while here was here, that they found spots in both kidney's and his lung.

Well, the specialist over in San Antonio took new x-rays. The prognosis? My dad does have fluid around his heart. On the one hand, that's pretty much easily removed. All they have to do is go in w/a needle and siphon it out. They would have done it yesterday but the labs are closed over the weekend so they're waiting 'till monday. After the surgery they'll send the fluid off for tests to see if it's infected or cancerous. Now, the good news is...there's nothing in his lungs as far as anyone can tell. His right kidney is also what the doctor called "in perfect health". His left kidney on the other hand, has a cancerous tumor the size OF his kidney. From everything they can tell, it hasn't spread so this is also good news.

They would have also gone in and taken out his kidney yesterday, but they don't wanna do that until the cardiologist says that his heart can take it. So, we have to wait another couple days for that. Possibly mid-week if not this upcoming weekend.

So, it's not good. But it's not bottom of the barrel.

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There are no words left to speak
Wednesday. 2.28.07 11:18 pm
My dad has been having issues with his health.
I've written about it.
We all thought it was something semi-serious.
Pneumonia, Food Poisoning, Gall Stones...something.
Well, he had his appointment.

This morning as I woke up late for my 2nd interview for a 2nd job. I realized mom and dad were fully dressed. That struck me as odd so I inquired. Mom responded with "well, the doctor said your dad needed to see a specialist so we're going to San Antiono". That never bodes well.

Mom called just a few minuets ago.
They figured out what was wrong with my dad.
He has fluid around his heart.
I don't really know what that entails in all it's horrible graphic nature - but I know it doesn't sound good.
They also found spots on both his kidneys.
On a scale of 1-10 that comes in at around an 8.

They'll be staying in San Antonio for another day so they can run more tests on my father to figure out exactly what all is wrong with him. I made a few calls to a couple people to ask for prayers. I don't know the full scope of this yet - it hasn't sunk in. It wasn't until I had told about 3 people that I started to cry.

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Before I go to work
Sunday. 2.25.07 5:53 pm
I go in at 5:30. When do I get out? I dunno. Hopefully not too late.

I had church today. I love church. It seems that's the only time I feel completely ok. After service ended I went out to lunch with a friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a good while. We went to the mall's food court.

We talked about God, life, and our plans for our respective futures. She invited me to go on Stint with her next year. Basically, it's a year long missionary trip in Greece where we would help start a college program on a couple univeristy campess (sp?). I don't know - it's a long way off and alot can happen between here and there. I'm hesitant about making plans of that sort right now.

I am however very intrested in being baptised. I made an appointment with Karen Paulson (whom is the lady that was there when I accepted) on tuesday to talk some stuff out. I'm excited about it. I worry that I may be doing too much all at once, but at the same time I feel as though it's right. So, I'm going with my gut on this one.

Life in general continues on. My dad is getting sicker by the day and we still don't know what's wrong with him. We've been telling him for years that he needs to slow down, work out, eat healthier and so on but has always pushed it aside. Well, now it's come to kick him down. He had to have a catscan, we find out the results on Tuesday. This may not go well. Things between us aren't going so well either. He tries to put his best foot foward, but it's a big clumsy misguided RUDE foot. So, he keeps pushing me away and getting more upset that I'm pulling farther away. Mom is doing fine. She's cooking and even did the laundry this week. She's been walking in the mornings and things seem well from her end of the story. My brother? Who knows. He leaves in the morning and comes back at night. It's either work, his girlfriend, or his friends which keeps him busy.

That's about all that's happening here.
Well, I suppose I should be off to work...

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where am I at?
Monday. 2.19.07 6:08 pm
*screams loudly into pillow*

Alright. So, Red Lobster (for a number of reasons) didn't work out so well. So, I got another job. At the local run-down movie theater. The only really positive thing I have to say is that they've let me usher and work box far more than they've made me work concession. On the other hand, I've only worked a weekend and so far have been yelled at multiple times for not being able to understand spanish. Also, a good number of my co-workers speak only spanish or just barely enough english for me to piece together a seemingly decent conversation. It's not that I mind any of this, but in a work setting where pace counts, it can be utterly infuriating. I've also had to take GREAT pains to stay as far away as possible from Bridge to Terabithia so that I don't see a single second of it. As that is my all time favorite child's book (I've been in love with that story since 2nd grade) I refuse to watch it with anyone other than someone I know would trully enjoy it with me.

As for stuff with family? Ah, well - there's a question for the ages. My mom's recovering well from her surgery. She's still in a neckbrace and hasn't been able to sleep in a bed since the last week of January. She's been walking around though, and it appears that all her cuts are healing very well and without infection. She still gets really tired after doing small things like taking a walk but that's just about the only complaint she has. My dad on the other hand has recently been feeling 'off'. I kind of scared him into thinking it was a heart attack, and while I should feel bad about that - I kind of don't. Mostly because I've been scared for him about that for years. YEARS. So, maybe this'll make him realize that he needs to take better care of himself. He went to the doctor earlier today and he says that more than likely he has an infected gall bladder. So, that's ANOTHER surgery that more than likely well on it's way. On the other hand my brother got a job that he seems to really like. He's a cook at the Sonic down here. He's working with 2 of his really good friends and now he has money to spend on his girlfriend, which is what he wanted.

My mom and I had a really big argument over my current situation and at one point things started to get really intense. Then I hear from over the computer desk the sound of a small bell, then I hear it again in a diffrent pitch. My mom and I stop and turn to face the desk that our computer sits on. A few years ago my Grandmother (grams) brought back a musical figuring of the Holy Family. It's Joseph, Mary and the baby Jesus. It had started playing. We haven't wound it up in YEARS. There was no reason for it to go off. My mom looked at me smiled and said "it's Bob". I looked at her and said "yea, he knows how upset I am". I was sarcastic of course, but it calmed us both down. Bob is the ghost that lives in my house. I'm not really sure that there's a ghost residing here or not - but I know that things always happen to me when I'm in this house. Doors opening or closing, voices, the feeling that someone has walked into the room, rockings chairs rocking, stuff like that. I'm the only one that puts any stock into it. My mom and brother both make a joke of it and humor me, my father (who is INCREDIBLY supersitious - especially with his family background) on the other hand outright denies ANY existance of him. Completely refuses to believe in him at all.

My friends lives are going on as they always have. Christie (ex-neighbor/church) is trying to raise enough money to go to Greece for the summer so she can start a college based bible study with the organization CRU. Monica is trying desprately to graduate and keep her relationship with her boyfriend on solid ground. Though, that grows more and more shaky the closer they get to talking about getting married. He wants to stay in Laredo with his family - in fact, he wants to move down the street from his mom. She wants to see the world and live outside of Laredo for as long as she wants to. Mel is working steadily as always. She and her boyfriend moved into an apartment together and things there seem as alright as can be expected. Her sister got an apartment across the way (litterally less than 50 feet away) and she seems to be as happy as can be expected. Priscilla is still with her boyfriend of 3 years but is planning to move to Austin (with the rest of her family) in a years time. Kel is going to school and with her boyfriend, not much else there, lol. Carlos is at school. Alonzo is still my single twin but is doing well. Marco is back at school and now has the opprotunity to become a manager of one of the Banana Republic stores in San Marcos. Hm, not sure anyone cares all that much about all of that - so if you read that - Thank you.

I've been thinking alot about my future recently. What it is I want and what it is I need to do to get there. So, as of now I'm an english lit major/ european history minor. Yet, I want nothing more than to open my own bookstore. My own Bookstore. The thought is a happy one. But, where do I want to do this? I know it won't be in Laredo, but then - where. Every road is open to me at this point. San Antonio? nah, too much family. Austin? nah, too busy. Dallas? nah, too big. Fort Worth? well, it's deff. an option I'm intrested in. However, do I even want to stay in the Lone Star State? If not here, then where? Where?! It's at the same time terrifying to the point of making me "tharn" (Watership down refrence: it means to be scared into staying completely still unable to move despite the situation) and exciting to the point of making me want to do it all. Yet, how do I do that? I know nothing of running a business, and how would my degree help with that at all? And then I have this new nagging sensation in the back of my head. I've recently had this new idea pop into my head but I don't know if it's even anything other than a passing 'what if'. What if I were to do some kind of missionary work? Is that something that's for me? At all? Ever? That's never anything that I had ever even considered. I'm off-beat with my friends and completely plain jane with the rest of 'em. I'm being stupid...and bipolar...and stupid.

There's more on the way.
Of that,
I'm sure.

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