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I am
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
Strange culmination of events
Wednesday. 12.17.08 12:39 pm
So, I haven't really gone into any explanation into, well, anything.

I am now working at the Wesley Center in the northside of Fort Worth, which is part of the United Community Centers, under the Act III program.

"ACT III YOUTH PROGRAM

ACT III is an acronym for Awareness Changes Tomorrow. The program targets adolescents, grades 6-12, at risk for school drop-out. ACT III focuses on empowering youth through awareness of I) Self, II) Family, and III) Community and how the 3 areas interact. It offers programs that involve the families to strengthen the family unit. The ACT III youth volunteer in regular community service activities that enrich their community.


The ACT III program encourages personal and academic success, preparing today’s youth for tomorrow’s workforce.

TOPICS ADDRESSED:

-Social skills development
-Life skills development
-Personal Goals Setting –High School Graduation and beyond
-College/ Career Readiness
-Substance abuse prevention
-Pregnancy prevention
-Gang avoidance
-Conflict resolution
-Healthy Parenting / Relationships
-Healthy Lifestyles
-Community Volunteerism / Service "


...or so it says in the website.

I've come at quite possibly the worst time for the program. Within the last year, they have had 7 different teachers. 7. That means that within a year they have had 7 different people to grow close to, to grow to hate, to grow to love, to grow to trust in, to grow to not trust in, to develop a relationship, an understanding, a bond with, just to see them go. The last two teachers they had SUCKED. ASS. One stayed for seven months and started out by slowly kicking out half of the kids in the program, complained about not having anything to do, and did nothing more for these kids other than babysit them. He was nothing more than a rich stuck up white guy who didn't care for these kids so much so that he didn't even say goodbye. The last one only stayed a week and a half and kicked out the other half of the students in the program and forced everyone else to fill out worksheets about life and school. Screaming at them was her form of communication. She also didn't say goodbye, but the kids hated her anyway.

Then I came in.
Me.
Me, who "looks and talk" white. Me, who love literature and art. Me, who has never been in a fist fight my whole life. Me, who doesn't have any gang affiliations. Me, who, unlike everyone else here, has no fear of walking out in the streets at night. Me, who has never lived the life they have. Me, who came in a week before Thanksgiving break, 4 weeks before winter break. Me, who had to fight against all the odds.

It's been an uphill battle. The type of uphill you only find in San Francisco.

And I'm out of shape.

I'm slowly getting on these kids good graces.
I think...
But I know it's worth it. These kids are worth it. I want them to know they're not doomed. Because they're NOT. I refuse to be another knot on their noose.



I, of course, have much more going on.
But unlike many other people, I don't want to put my selfish needs and desires over these kids.

Even so... I've been making sure to show my mom I care. She's not getting better.
She's not.
She's stopping her chemo. It's not helping. And that was her last viable medical option. So... yeah.

On that glorious note, I must go.
Work still awaits me.

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My heart dances
Wednesday. 12.10.08 2:25 pm
I see you in the distance and I see us as we are
So nearly so contented but a careless word too far
I see you in confusion for a once enchanted boy
My heart dances, oh oh, but not for joy

I longed to love you better but I swear I don't know how
You could have been my future but I had to have it now
The things we love completely we are fated to destroy
My heart dances, oh oh, but not for joy

It's easy to be certain that another's heart will fall
Much harder to be certain of your own
It moves you, and inspires you then it drives you to the wall
And leaves you so excited but alone

My heart dances, oh oh
My heart dances, oh oh
My heart dances, oh oh, but not for joy
But not for joy
But not for joy
But not for joy




Like a typhoon of emotions and raging like a fire my heart has been.
I know in what direction I'm heading but I don't know if I like it or if it's even the right choice! But it seems like that first step I took is permanent. How silly and tiny of a small step it seemed. One would not often think twice of it. Nothing but a short paragraph. Yet it's seemed to start a downward demise, one which I'm not sure will end well for me. Worst part of it is that I know these roads too well, all too well. I loathe them as I loathe the figure in my mirror. But what can I do? I cannot retrace my steps. I can't let it all go and forget it all. And as my silly concerns grow in such a small corner of my soul, my world around me darkens. My mom gets sicker. My kids hurt more. My debt keeps rising. Will this be my demise? I worry that such a small corner, my only corner, would of been my salvation at the end of it all, but it seems it'll be lost in the torrents of the storm, same as everything else.

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