Saturday. 1.7.12 3:35 am
I have to say, that I pull off this front that I am comfortable with who I am. I spread cheer to others, and I do it in a fashion where you would never think I have problems.
But of course, everyone does. But the problem that I was feeling, was this empty void that was not being filled. The piece that would make me feel whole and complete was missing. For a long time, I knew what that piece was. But I decided to fit in any other puzzle piece I could in there. I jammed in looks into that void, didn't work. I jammed in my grades, and it seemed to fit because for a while there, I was so proud that I felt great. But of course, it wasn't the piece that was meant to be there.
It wasn't until today, where I finally decided to put the true piece that was missing. And it is God. You see, I felt very empty for a while. And to be honest, the empty feeling didn't come with depression or anything of that sort. Life kept on going, but I knew that I took God's puzzle piece out of my life, and everything I did felt meaningless.
It was at that altar, where tears spilled out of my eyes nonstop, mascara running, my pastor praying for me, and my voice loud crying for God, where I felt whole again. I felt beautiful, something I haven't felt in a while. I felt this joy, something I also haven't felt in a while. I felt complete. I felt whole. I felt loved.
And I still do. I'll be honest, I still hear that voice in the back of my head, saying I am not good enough in any way. I hear it saying that God doesn't love me, because I messed up too much. And I hear it saying that I will not succeed in the desires God put in my heart. But you know what? These voices, are meaningless. They have no power over my life. And I will NOT listen to them.
To whoever is reading this, whether you believe it or not, Jesus loves you. Your mistakes are not bigger than his love for you. Your past does not define God's opinion of who you are. And if you haven't experienced the love of God, I pray that you do. Somehow, someway, I truly hope you do because I want you to feel the wholeness I feel as well.
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Thursday. 1.5.12 4:46 am
I gained 15 pounds over the past two holidays (from eating horribly and NOT working out). But honestly, I feel like I'll be able to lose it pretty quickly when I get back to school. everytime I come home, I always gain so much weight because I am a lazy bum, and all I do is eat nonstop throughout the day.
I really have no self-control when it comes to being at home. But at school, it's quite easy to lose weight. And that is why I feel confident that i'll lose the weight at school. I'm taking weight training next semester, and am determined to go running at least twice a week (on the weekends). I want to just be a healthy weight for my height! I have a long ways to go, but I figured if my goal this semester is to lose thirty pounds, that i'll feel so much better about myself!
so my diet plan? None of that starving stuff, that does NOT work for me. I will though eat soup, salad and sandwiches. And ya know, yogurt and fruits as well! And this will start up again once I get back to school. And that is actually, in four days! I'm excited to go back, work hard academically and work out physically as well :)
on another note, i'm sorry i haven't been around, AGAIN. you guys must know by now that i always disappear around here.
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