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Fast forward
Monday. 2.5.07 12:17 pm
I can get ridiculously self-conscious sometimes. For no apparent reason, I’ll start amping out and get insecure. What is up with that? I do my best to keep a straight face and hold my head up, but sometimes I feel like the exterior ’strength’ only disguises how I really feel on the inside. A lot of it is probably from the fact that I am indeed sensitive. My friend Kitchelle wrote in my yearbook back in middle school to tone down the sensitivity… and for the most part, I have. Yet at times I still feel too much. Maybe it’s because I’m a Pisces (if you believe in that stuff) but yeah.

I know that I’m not ‘fat’, but I only accepted that realization after I actually started becoming a gym junkie and having no excuse for saying that I am. I know that focusing on one’s image is nothing short of narcissism, but if you feel good about yourself and how your present yourself to the world, then it shows. Yes, beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, but in my case, I feel more secure now that I know I’m doing something about my insecurities instead of just letting it fester inside the depths of my soul.

I made a vow to myself to clear my name of certain mistakes I made in the past; and I will. It might be years in the making, but it did take me this long to get as mature as I am, so now is a good time as any to set things right.

I love to sing, and both my myspace and soundclick are testaments to that, but I also would like to become a better dancer. I guess you could say I could keep up, but again, it’s a matter of confidence, and the only way to build that up is through practice, practice, practice, which is something I have not done since I shunned an old ‘dance troupe’ and graduated from high school. Who knows, UCSD is a new beginning, a new chapter in my life. I plan to make the most of it.

I don’t have a lot of friends I can call ‘close’ and I’m fine with that. I’d rather have the friends I have now which I know I can rely on than the ones I thought were friends who did nothing but turn their backs and walk away the moment I realized the gig was up. Hey, at least I drew positive energy from all the negativity that has plagued the earlier parts of my early adult life, and look where its gotten me: a new outlook on life, and a better understanding of myself and my capabilities as an individual.

I see an endless landscape at UCSD, and I will be sure to not let anything pass me by. I worked way too damn hard to get to this point in my life to let any moment big or small pass me by. If anything, I believe it is my closer relationship with God that has continued to bring so many fortunate blessings in my life.

So as I end this entry, I just need to reflect on where I’ve been and where I want to go. It’s all achievable I believe. If my mind can conceive it and my heart can believe it, then I know I can achieve it. Whatever it may be.

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A healthy new year
Monday. 1.15.07 12:43 am
I’ve been fighting a cold all week and right now I’m feeling a lot better than two days ago. It was breezy today; I ended up going to the NEX mini-mart in Bayview Hills to stock up on some chicken soup. I don’t know what it is, but for some reason chicken soup just warms my soul and makes me feel better. But yeah, I also managed to pick up some Cold-Eeze cold remedy lozenges and some decongestant spray. I really do not get sick often, but when I do, it usually is because of my throat, ears, nose or a combination of all three. This time, I’m prepared haha.

On another note, Warioware: Smooth Moves should be out for the Wii this Monday, and I’m looking forward to playing it. It looks like a really fun game because of its randomness and all the awkward positions it has you doing.

Last week I went just a little university crazy and picked up a couple (A LOT) of UCSD branded gear just because I’m giddy and I am finally one step closer to achieving and surpassing one of many goals I have set for myself. I guess I could have waited on most of the shirts and sweaters and shorts and whatever, but sometimes you just have to give into impulse and let yourself ride. It was actually intimidating to be walking on campus alone last Wednesday; not so much because of the people but because of the sheer size of UCSD. Seriously. I kept calling Michael consistently throughout my endeavor only because I needed reassurance of my exotic escapade lol. There are so many things I intend to accomplish while I get my advanced learn on at UCSD, like looking into that one community service fraternity that Lani is in at Long Beach, joining KP, checking out the campus in general, getting a black Macbook, graduating at the top of my class, etc. But to do so I need to take things one step at a time. I’m the only one who can do anything about what I set out to do, and dammit, I will do everything I told myself I would accomplish, if not surpassing even my own expectations.

With the confidence boost aside, I really am thankful and blessed for being given the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. As I look forward to my future and turning halfway to 44 (YIKES!) I can say confidently and securely that I am in a better place now than where I was just two or so years ago. I was starting back then, and now that I’m going, there is no more looking back. Out of sight, out of mind, out classed is all I have to say.

And now to get some news in before hitting the sack.

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