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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Passive Aggressive Notes
Friday, October 6, 2017
I didn't know what 'abrogado' meant or if it was even a real word, but I had it in my head, so that's what I titled this entry. Apparently in Spanish it means repealed, or invalidated.

Possibly another factor in my mood is that I haven't had a phone for awhile. Going on a couple weeks now, I think. It doesn't really feel different. Fro and my mom are the only ones who ever really call me, and I don't have a boyfriend to keep in touch with at the moment, so I don't have much need for a phone.

This amused me in that almost-imperceptible-smile way.

It's funny, you know? Coming across a lot of stuff that I think would normally make me feel sad, but instead of feeling sad I just feel nothing.

I don't really feel happy, or excited, or good, but I also don't feel bad or depressed, exactly.

Just... nothing. There's a sort of solidity to it, as if I'm made of glass and no feelings can penetrate me. I can sense depression at my edges, but it isn't coming through.

I guess I do feel disappointed in a way, but it's on the fringes too, and it's not centered in me, I'm just getting it in my peripheral vision.


I know I've posted this song before, but I guess I'm revisiting my old music more than finding new music right now.

"No Turning Back" by Gui Boratto.

I can say the most wonderful words you just don't understand
I can show you the way but I know that you'll never be there

A lot of thoughts and memories wrapped up in this song.

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Thursday, October 5, 2017
Felt nauseous but ran 2 miles (non-continuously) and did Turbo Kick. Had pretty bad cramps after running, before class, but thankfully they cleared up...

I've been feeling okay, I guess. Just okay. A neutral clear feeling. I don't know why. Not waking up paralyzed with anxiety or depression, generally.

Can't think of anything that's been particularly different in the last few days, other than that I've been watching BoJack Horseman. If that is the one factor that's keeping my mood stable, it's gonna suck when I run out of episodes. I guess there is something comforting about the show, though. It's pretty depressing and dark and bleak at times, but in a sort of relatable way that seems to diffuse my own bad feelings. I feel a little less alone, I guess. Media that has that effect is significant to me. Maybe that's why I watch my favorite short films repeatedly; there's a distant sort of camaraderie in these things with relatable themes. There's no interaction to get in the way of the illusion that your feelings are understood by someone, so you get to feel less alone for a little while.

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Grading on improvement
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
"The Start of Something" by Voxtrot.

Steady your ears, steady your ears and read my lips
Poetry is not a luxury, it's how I break this home
And when I'm really ill, won't you cradle me?
Man is not a noble animal but maybe woman is

Remember, I heard you...

Inside your room you said:
"You never really live until your back's against the wall,"
Oh, did you really mean it?
No, I never break my gaze, if just to see the scar
Remain reflected in your eyes
I think it's time to go home


It always seemed like classes that graded based on improvement were unfair to the students who were already performing at the top. When you're already good, your progress slows down. You don't make the leaps and bounds that less-practiced people do. The progress you make isn't impressive anymore, because the contrast between before and after isn't as prominent.

A teacher only gets a small window into your life, and they're grading you only on what they see in that window. Should you be lucky enough to enter the class an idiot, you can exit with a high grade so long as you do all the easy, obvious things to improve. Good job, A+, you're now twice as good as you were before!

I sometimes wondered if I should purposely make myself seem worse at the start, and cultivate the appearance of growth during the few weeks of the term, in order to secure an acceptable grade. Would it be cheating? To misrepresent where I was in life? Or would it be an expression of agency, an empowered attempt to balance for the disadvantage of starting out at the place that would get another student an A at the end of the term? I never purposely produced low quality work or presented myself as ignorant, though I thought about it numerous times.


The daily grind of improvement isn't impressive, only the comparison between where you were and where you are is. You sum up years of work in a sentence to wow people for a moment. Nobody is interested in all the attempts, all the failures, all the observations, calculations, plans to do it a little better next time. Next time, try this. Next time, avoid that. Rinse and repeat until you're different. Boring!

Sometimes I feel uninteresting because I spent a lot of my time on those little tasks that aren't impressive or cool to tell people about, and I don't engage in many other activities. Really don't like conversations revolving around "what do you do" for that reason...

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Better get to sleep before the really bad thoughts come [4P]
Monday, October 2, 2017
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Art and high school digressions [4P]
Sunday, October 1, 2017
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Games and excerpts
Saturday, September 30, 2017
I played games with friends today, which was nice. Woke up around 8:30ish AM and played Dungeon of the Endless with Kyle. We started a game last night and finished it this morning, then started another before he had to leave to have lunch with friends. I didn't really enjoy it much when I first got the game, because I really sucked on my own, but it's much more fun playing with him. Also nice to do something fun together. It's... been a really long time. Boy though, didn't sleep much last night! We saved our game at 2 AM and just took a few hours off to sleep before resuming, haha.

Also played To the Moon while sharing screens on Skype with my other friend so he could watch. There were some jokes in the game, but overall it left me in something of a serious, contemplative mood. It felt like there was a lot to unpack there, but we didn't really have the time to discuss it in depth. He commented that "Its like they never really met with each other emotionally on the same level" in regards to the characters who are the focus of the game, and it was a sad theme, but... I guess that also feels like a true statement about every relationship, to me. I only seem to see mismatches, never perfect fits. That could be an ingrained disillusionment with connection, though. Not the idea of it in itself-- just, the possibility of it seems slim at best. I try to be optimistic about it, but a lot of the time it feels like the feeling of connection is really just a congruent misunderstanding. Like you're never really getting what the other person is saying because you're filtering it through so much of yourself, but it's in such a way that you don't notice the discrepancies and can maintain a sense of harmony and happiness about it. As if you're colorblind and you never find out that what you see as 'red' isn't what other people see as 'red' at all. Not to disparage that feeling... You can still feel very close to people and be legitimately happy that way. I just find the disconnect inherently sad.


For maybe a few years now I've been occasionally thinking about a story I once read in an old science fiction lit magazine. I went and found it (thank goodness it wasn't in one of my dad's sci fi anthologies, or it would have taken me much longer), and I didn't reread the whole thing, but I found the part that stuck in my memory.

The story is "Undone" by James Patrick Kelly, and in it, a space traveler named Mada and her ship are wandering around and find a utopia with an interesting cultural quirk; they don't have currency as we know it, but they thrive on what are described as "comments"-- criticisms, basically. Mada goes to a restaurant and has some kind of fancy meal, which she praises and says is perfect, and the chef is distressed by her reaction. The waiter who served her then tells her that he considers himself a poet and shares a poem he wrote with her, and she also compliments it, to his unhappy surprise. She ends up going back in time a bit to remedy her mistake.
"They want criticism," said Mada. "They like to think of themselves as artists but they're insecure about what they've accomplished. They want their audience to engage with what they're doing, help them make it better-- the comments they both seem to expect."

Though I'd never describe myself as an artist (and definitely don't want to be called one by anybody), I found this relatable. It's a strange, sort of repugnant description of things, but... it fits with how I feel.

Some other quotes from the story that I liked...
When Mada asks the waiter who served her if he still thinks one of her features is unattractive (with the implication that he found her unattractive), he responds with:
"Just because you make a comment on some aspect doesn't mean you reject the work as a whole."

And later they are having a picnic together:
"I have a present for you," he said after they were stuffed. "I wrote you a poem." He did not stand; there were no large, flailing gestures. Instead he slid the picnic basket out of the way, leaned close, and whispered into her ear.

"Loving you is like catching rain on my tongue.
You bathe the leaves, soak indifferent ground;
Why then should I get so little of you?
Yet still, like a flower with a fool's face
I open myself to the sky."

I guess I don't really know what to say about this poem except that I found it rather beautiful, and rather wistful.

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Something nice
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
At work tonight, when the dad of one of the 2 year olds came to pick her up and she saw him, she threw her head back and screamed with delight, and it made me smile.


Otherwise I'm feeling kind of worn out and disheartened.

"Intro" by Jonathan Ian.

Music for the mood.

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Tuesday, September 26, 2017
It's really nice to have a friend who will notice something seems off without my saying anything, and then take the initiative to call me about it.

-->Reasons Fro is my best female friend

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