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Memores acti prudentes futuri


She said it was all make believe
but I thought she said maple leaves
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
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free counters
Bad connection tonight [2P]
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Long Skypes about OKC
Friday, June 17, 2016
I Skyped with Alex K. last night because he was worried a girl might be cat fishing him, and he wanted help from me to find out if she was for real or not. I gave him some tips, and we ended up Skyping about it for two hours. Or well, he was just doing audio and I was doing video, because his video crashes Skype. >.>

At some point we were talking about getting him better profile pictures, and I asked if he'd like to do some kind of OKC profile picture photoshoot once I got back home, and he said yeah. We discussed different interesting looking activities he could do while I was taking pictures, such as drawing stuff (but outside in a park or something, not inside), contemplating a painting in an art museum, or playing his guitar. He vetoed my idea of using a picture of him doing martial arts, because he used to do jiu-jitsu, and he said that he didn't want a picture that looked like he was dry humping another guy (or one that looked like another guy was dry humping him, which he considered the more likely scenario). At some point he also said he had "never used his guitar for sex," and although I knew he must mean that he had never used his guitar for the purposes of seducing someone, the way he worded it... really didn't sound like that. I mentioned how it came off and he said "No, I don't think that would be a very good fit." Later we were talking about things to say in first messages on OKC and I jokingly suggested "ey bby u wan sum fuk," and he added "My dick's as wide as a soundhole." The unexpectedness of it and the imagery really got to me, and I was laughing so hard I couldn't talk and dropped my tablet. It took me a bit to regain my composure after that. I can't remember ever having an interaction with him that I thought was that funny before. o.O

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This is gonna suck to type out
Thursiday, June 16, 2016
So I'm writing this from my tablet... Meaning I'm using this awful touchscreen keyboard that I don't even like texting with to blog. T_T

Okay, so what to say about the past couple days... J got my package, and he liked it, and that made me really happy. ^___^ We also watched The Hunchback of Notre Dame together through one of those video sync sites, and it was bunches of fun. A little awkward on my end though, because my cousins kept coming in and watching the movie with me. >_> Six of my cousins on my mom's side are here with us at my uncle's house in Hawaii, so I can't really do much without at least one of them coming around and trying to see what's up... Today I watched The Big Lebowski because I knew J liked it a lot, and I wanted to see what it was about, but people kept coming into the room and interrupting my watching experience or making me go do stuff, and it was frustrating.

Yesterday we all made tie dye shirts, and today we were finishing them up... After you dye them you have to let them sit for hours, then rinse them out, then dry them, then wash them in hot water, then dry them again. Kind of a lengthy process. I actually like the way mine came out though, and I sort of want to make another one now, haha... I just wish it wasn't so messy. >_<

My family went out for breakfast early this morning, and after we came back, my cousin Casey and I worked out using some Fitness Blender videos. Due to technical difficulties though, we didn't do a ton. I think we did like... half an hour's worth of videos and then some extra core things, like bicycles and something one of my gym instructors calls "smiley face crunches". It was really humid though, so we both ended up kind of sweating a lot. >.> Man, I hope I don't end up gaining weight during this trip from not exercising enough and eating too much. D:

Oh, in other news, I got a black peacoat from Goodwill today! It's missing a button on the sleeve, but that can be fixed easily. It was only $14 and it fits well and I'm very pleased. :3 I want to have more cute warm clothes so I'm prepared for winter... and it might be nice to have a coat that isn't so bright that you can spot me from a mile away, haha. (Though I still love my orange and green coats, of course!)

I might hang out with Matt on Saturday, but I need to find out what my family is planning to do... My mom and aunts seem to have planned out activities for every day of the two weeks my aunts' families are here, so there's a lot going on. :S I kind of want to like, go on a quest to find him a girlfriend. XD Or at least get him to improve his social skills so he has a better chance with people in the future.

Took me frickin' forever to type this out, jeez. Next time I think I'll just try to borrow my mom's laptop. -__-

---Edit---

Okay so I'm on the laptop now and was just catching up on my webcomics, and this one from SMBC... oof...

CLICK

The hover text was sort of funny/painful, too. ("The key to a solid relationship is winning all the time") It kind of reminded me of my brother. >.> When we were at the airport, he brought his guitar, and the lady at the gate said she didn't think he could bring it into the cabin, but he kept citing some law that was passed that made it legal to bring instruments (of any size?) for free on airplanes. She went to go check with her supervisor (and she was very nice and professional about everything) and he kept talking about how he had to "win" and he wasn't going to back down, because he had to show "strength" and whatnot. It was... really uncomfortable for me. In the end he turned out to be right, and they just let him check the guitar case for free (there was no instrument closet in the cabin, so it was the only way he could bring it, but they were also letting people check bags for free anyway because it was a full flight and they needed the overhead storage bin space). I feel like my brother has a hard time just... being relaxed about stuff. Seems like he's always on edge about something, and sometimes he comes and... well, basically lectures me on why I should be stressing out about stuff too. Like he talked about how important it was for us to make money, because our parents don't have enough and school and living expenses and all that are going to put us in debt (I talked to my parents about this later and they said it was completely false). He also talked about how all the burden to take care of our parents in their old age was on him because of filial piety, which... doesn't even make sense, because we barely follow any aspects of asian culture, and it's not as if I'm just going to abandon my parents the second they're elderly. Having spent so much time in nursing homes now, I definitely don't want to have to put my parents in one if I can ever help it...

So anyway, yeah. TL;DR: My brother makes a big deal out of things and is confrontational and it stresses me out when I have to be around him and he's like that. Also I don't want to put my parents in a nursing home.

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Why do I even pretend I'll try to sleep?
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
I figured out a sort of workaround for my OKC issues. I just set my age to 96. No more visitors! No more hassle! But still available in case someone who was already talking to me wants to get in touch.

Leaving for Hawaii tomorrow. And by "tomorrow" I really just mean "in a few hours," because it's like 1:30 AM and it's actually Wednesday and we're going to the airport at 6 AM. Gonna sleep a lot on that plane, lemme tell ya.

Didn't make it to the gym today because Fro and Becka wanted to hang out in the evening, and the Zyrtec I took while babysitting (to keep from having any adverse reactions to the cats) made me suuuuuuuper sleepy. Ended up just napping as soon as I got home, then packed for Hawaii and headed out to Becka's.

[6/14/2016 9:26:22 PM] J: oh man, my grandma pwned me the other day
[6/14/2016 9:26:58 PM] J: you know how she was trying to argue the "well she's your friend, and she's a girl, right? That makes her a girlfriend." and i was like nooooooooooooo.
[6/14/2016 9:27:26 PM] J: well we were on a walk one day, and i was looking at a tree, and was like "oh, look, there are blue berries growing on that tree."
[6/14/2016 9:27:34 PM] J: and she goes, "those aren't blueberries"
[6/14/2016 9:27:54 PM] J: and i'm like yeah, i know they're not BLUEEEEBERRIES, but they're berries that are blue, i mean
[6/14/2016 9:28:00 PM] J: and she's like "oh, like your girlfriend?"
[6/14/2016 9:28:03 PM] J: -______________-
[6/14/2016 9:28:10 PM] J: i was in such defeat

When I was at Becka's house, I was telling my friends about J, and Fro paused and looked at me very seriously and was like "I would be fine with it if you married him." I was munching on a tiropita and froze mid-bite when she said that, and was just staring at her like O_O. Was so unprepared for that statement. Like whoa whoa whoa, nobody said anything about that. We're just friends, and thoughts like that about the future are... out of place. Plus, having a good friendship doesn't necessarily mean you'd have a good relationship. >.> It's not like you just upgrade to a relationship by adding some affection into the mix... As tempting as it is to view things that simply, my past mistakes have taught me that it doesn't work that way for me. I mean, there are different levels of commitment, expectations, behaviors... I'm trying my hardest not to jump into anything without full consideration of the consequences. I know I can get overly optimistic in these contexts, and I'm trying not to fall into the same pattern as always.

For reference, I feel like things more or less go like this:

-Summer: Feel awesome, have awesome interactions, all sorts of great things
-Fall: Whoops I'm getting depressed, things are starting to suck now
-Winter: EVERYTHING GOES TO HELL
-Spring: Well that sucked, starting to recover though

So yeah... I'm really hesitant to judge anything based on these warm weather experiences. I know that I can be likable and fun and [insert whatever positive thing] when I'm not depressed. That's the me that's easy to handle. I feel like I've gotten to a point where my depression doesn't have a significant negative effect on my friendships anymore when it gets to that time of year, but I'm still working on how it affects romantic relationships.

My lifestyle has changed a bit, though. I do exercise more (was looking up workouts on Fitness Blender tonight actually, so I hopefully don't become a couch potato in Hawaii), and I've been pushing myself to socialize wayyyyyy more than I did in past years. It helps that I've had actual friends to do that with, of course. The light box I got will also possibly help, though I haven't had a chance to try it out during the winter months.

Still, I fully expect to get depressed, and I don't want it to ruin anything more for me. (I know it wasn't necessarily the primary cause in past things going wrong, but I feel like it must have been a considerable factor; in any case it doesn't make things easier)

I hope someday I'll be over this fear that my depression will eventually drive away everyone I care about. It's been so hard, though, especially a lot of the times I've tried to be open and vulnerable and honest, it went really badly and I ended up feeling abandoned and anxious.

But... things have been getting better, slowly but surely. And I do think everything will work out, in some way. Maybe not the way I want, maybe not any way I could expect, but somehow things will be okay. (I really believe that most of the time now!)

"Getting Better" by The Beatles.

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I need to stop going to bed at 3 AM
Monday, June 13, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 2 hours.

Mat Pilates and Cycle Fusion today. I didn't feel like going to CSI.

I felt... really quite happy for the majority of today. Stayed up until almost 5 AM because of a ~3 hour long videochat, and then woke up roughly five hours later and started talking to the same person again until I had to leave for an appointment. >.>

Also mailed out a package to J, so I'm glad I finally got that done. ^__^ But of course... now that it's been sent, I have all these intrusive thoughts bothering me, like "What if I wrote the wrong address???" and "What if it gets damaged in the mail and it shows up looking like a total wreck???" Thanks so much brain.

I am very seriously contemplating disabling my OKC, but it won't let me log in on the desktop site right now because of "technical difficulties"... But yeah... I just don't feel interested in meeting any more people at the moment.

[12:57:04 AM] J: so uh, yeah
[12:57:06 AM] J: thanks for like
[12:57:07 AM] J: being
[12:57:11 AM] J: :P
[12:57:16 AM] Me: Hahah
[12:57:22 AM] Me: Thank you for being too. ^_^

At the moment I feel... mmm... overwhelmed with gratitude, I guess. Just this deep, intense gratitude that such a person could exist, and that we met, and that we're friends. It's almost a painful level of appreciation, and I feel it in my chest. My heart feels like... well, the closest thing I can think of is how your stomach feels when you've barely eaten in days and you finally have a real meal, but you eat it all and it hurts because your body became accustomed to so much less.

And there's also this feeling of immense relief, mingled with some amount of disbelief. It almost feels too good to be true. I'm so used to dead ends and disappointments, and I was starting to convince myself that I'd never meet the kind of person I was hoping for. Telling myself I was longing for something that didn't exist.

It's only been a bit more than a month so far, and I don't know what will happen in the future, but for now at least I just want to savor this feeling.

[1:02:29 AM] Me: I kinda want to say stuff again about how much I like our friendship but I think I would just be repeating myself, haha, so I'll just say goodnight for now. >.<
[1:02:40 AM] J: yeah don't run it dry, man
[1:02:44 AM] J: xD jkjk
[1:03:47 AM] J: i could have said it every night we've talked :) but yeah i won't repeat either :P good night!!!

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Another little update
Saturday, June 11, 2016
I booked my flight down to southern California.

:D

Also I had lunch with Varsha today and it was great! We caught up on some things (apparently there was a five year high school reunion that nobody told me about) and I told her some of the uhhhh more interesting experiences I've had meeting people.

140 second plank today.

---Edit---

Nothing makes you feel old like talking to a teenager.

[01:45:10] [Kid] i managed to go two weeks with no internet can you believe that
[01:45:15] [Kid] at age 13
[01:45:18] [Kid] :P
[01:45:36] [Me] I think I still had dialup when I was 13, haha.
[01:45:48] [Me] So I wasn't allowed on the computer for more than 45 minutes at a time.
[01:46:03] [Kid] well 13 is only 3 years ago for me haha
[01:46:06] [Me] Yeah
[01:46:17] [Me] Was close to twelve years ago for me.
[01:46:22] [Kid] holy
[01:46:53] [Kid] 12 years ago i was just about to start kindergarten
[01:46:57] [Kid] hahaha
[01:47:07] [Me] Well, I'm 8/9 years older than you, so, yeah.
[01:47:41] [Kid] :P
[01:48:20] [Me] Used to be that I could only really go on the internet during the summer when we visited my uncle's house, because he had DSL.
[01:48:46] [Kid] thats so weird
[01:48:59] [Kid] i guess the internet has just become like
[01:49:02] [Kid] molded to em
[01:49:03] [Kid] me
[01:49:11] [Kid] its like a part of who i am
[01:49:18] [Me] I think it's hard to imagine life without it if it's been so omnipresent in your life.
[01:49:25] [Kid] yea exactly
[01:49:39] [Kid] jesus christ
[01:49:47] [Kid] i cant imagine
[01:50:04] [Kid] having to walk over to a freinds house
[01:50:12] [Kid] knock on their bedroom window
[01:50:22] [Kid] and then ask if they wanna hang out
[01:50:28] [Me] Well we had phones, you know.
[01:50:28] [Me] XD
[01:50:31] [Kid] and them being like "no"
[01:50:41] [Kid] and then id have to fucking walk all the way hom
[01:50:54] [Kid] while avoiding dinosaurs
[01:50:57] [Kid] lmao

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Just a li'l entry
Thursday, June 9, 2016
No gym today because I hung out with Sean instead, but I did manage to hold a plank for 130 seconds, so that was a thing. Just did it when I was babysitting because the baby was doing her own thing and I didn't really have anything to do.

---

Oh my goodness I am so flustered right now. My face feels like it's on fire.

@[email protected]

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Bandaids are magic!
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 4 hours.

Just Piloxing today.

I had a nightmare last night, and I talked to my therapist about it, and we discussed it possibly being about trust and friends and the lingering threat of depression.

[6/8/2016 10:26:14 PM] J: at dinner, with my whole family and some family friends, my grandma somehow brought you up as my "girlfriend" again
[6/8/2016 10:26:42 PM] J: "well she's your girl and she's a friend, right?" GRANDMA IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT
[6/8/2016 10:27:15 PM] Me: Hahahaha
[A few minutes later...]
[6/8/2016 10:33:05 PM] Me: Oh I think you might have mentioned this before and I forgot
[6/8/2016 10:33:09 PM] J: yeah
[6/8/2016 10:33:27 PM] J: man early onset alzheimer's? talk about having to face your fears.
[6/8/2016 10:33:32 PM] Me: :c
[6/8/2016 10:33:34 PM] J: that sucks bro
[6/8/2016 10:33:40 PM] J: xDDD
[6/8/2016 10:33:41 PM] J: jkjk
[6/8/2016 10:33:45 PM] J: i'm sorry T-T
[6/8/2016 10:33:51 PM] Me: :'c
[6/8/2016 10:34:00 PM] Me: :''''''''''''c
[6/8/2016 10:34:09 PM] J: I'M SORRY
[6/8/2016 10:34:11 PM] Me: Look at all these apostrophe tears you made me cry
[6/8/2016 10:34:11 PM] J: I DIDN'T MEAN IT
[6/8/2016 10:34:19 PM] J: WOW SO MANY
[6/8/2016 10:34:35 PM] J: i uh
[6/8/2016 10:34:38 PM] J: *whistles*
[6/8/2016 10:34:44 PM] J: *dog comes, licks your tears up*
[6/8/2016 10:34:48 PM] J: oh wait you don't like dogs either
[6/8/2016 10:34:48 PM] Me: Ewwwww no
[6/8/2016 10:34:49 PM] J: shit
[6/8/2016 10:34:51 PM] J: oops
[6/8/2016 10:34:52 PM] Me: Nooooooo
[6/8/2016 10:34:54 PM] J: mb again
[6/8/2016 10:35:01 PM] J: i just can't do anything right
[6/8/2016 10:35:02 PM] J: T-T
[6/8/2016 10:35:20 PM] Me: I don't want to be your girlfriend in your grandma's imagination anymore D':
[6/8/2016 10:35:37 PM] Me: Can't take this abuse
[6/8/2016 10:35:41 PM] J: AWWWW somehow that was slightly painful
[6/8/2016 10:35:46 PM] J: x'(
[6/8/2016 10:35:52 PM] Me: Hahaha
[6/8/2016 10:35:57 PM] *** Muffin Extraordinaire pats you on the head ***
[6/8/2016 10:36:21 PM] *** J *whimpers* ***
[6/8/2016 10:36:21 PM] J: pls no
[6/8/2016 10:36:27 PM] J: come back to my grandma's imagination
[6/8/2016 10:36:29 PM] J: i didn't mean it
[6/8/2016 10:36:31 PM] J: i'm sorry
[6/8/2016 10:36:47 PM] *** Muffin Extraordinaire puts a bandaid on your grandma's imagination ***
[6/8/2016 10:36:50 PM] Me: That's the best I can do
[6/8/2016 10:37:29 PM] J: damn dude just ignoring my grandma's imagination's feelings, how savage
[6/8/2016 10:37:35 PM] J: grandma's imagination's feelings doesn't want to be healed
[6/8/2016 10:37:37 PM] Me: I PUT A BANDAID ON IT
[6/8/2016 10:37:38 PM] J: it just wants you back
[6/8/2016 10:37:42 PM] Me: BANDAIDS HEAL EVERYTHING

I'm feeling really happy right now. ^u^ It's almost 3 AM and that's an unusual time for me to feel this way, but it's nice! My friend J has quickly ascended the ranks and become one of my favorite people to talk to. :3

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