A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence
"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"
"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation
"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes
"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Think about it
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics
Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Eat That Toast!
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius
Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Robbie and Bobby
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Strong Female Protagonist
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Yellow Peril (PG-13)
Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing
Meat and Plastic
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
YU + ME
Pure Flash Awesomeness
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
Clients from Hell
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Late night incoherence
Friday, July 21, 2017
"Lost Souls/Eelings" by TR/ST.
Back home in California, although Hawaii is also home... just... a different home.
I'm in a poetry mood. Not writing, this time, but reading. It's been quite awhile since I actively sought out any. Here's an excerpt from Baudelaire's "Confession" that I like:
Que bâtir sur les coeurs est une chose sotte;
Que tout craque, amour et beauté,
Jusqu'à ce que l'Oubli les jette dans sa hotte
Pour les rendre à l'Eternité!
Translated by William Aggeler:
That to build on hearts is a foolish thing,
That all things break, love, and beauty,
Till Oblivion tosses them into his dosser
To give them back to Eternity!
I also like "Horreur sympathetique" (just going to link it instead of posting the whole poem and its translations).
I'm awake unnecessarily late, and it's that time of night when my mood is low and I'm thinking a lot about the past and the future and everything that has been, is, or could be bad. And some other things too, but mostly negative stuff.
Even though I hated having to read Levinas and Heidegger (well, Heidegger was much better than Levinas) for school, I find myself thinking a lot about their philosophy and how they would describe things. There are so many ways to describe the same concepts... Heidegger talked a lot about life covering itself over, of just slipping into the flow of things and losing that focus and awareness of the present moment. You can't live in constant acknowledgement of your authentic being, it's just... not possible in any practical way. I think that most of the time, my life covers over itself and I don't have to face the anxiety of being (or being-in-the-world comme on dit*). Something about nighttime uncovers it though, and I feel face to face with existence and myself and I can't slip into that forgetfulness that enables everyday living. I'm going to die someday, inevitably. It could be in 60 years or it could be tonight in my sleep. Dying itself doesn't scare me too much-- which is good, because meat from scared animals tastes worse hahaha okay sorry I'm done.
For real though, I wonder a lot about how to live more authentically, in accordance with my values (which I would like to be able to back up with some solid reasoning). I've been listing out some values and ways I want to be in a little document for myself, just trying to sort things out and check on myself. As I don't have any consistent occupations at the moment, it's hard for me to tell whether I'm embodying my chosen values. Gotta have some kind of situation where I can practice. Muscles atrophy when you don't use them. It's no different for thought patterns and behaviors... Every time you repeat a thought or behavior, you're reinforcing a pathway in your brain. Neuroplasticity! I always imagine that like adding a thin layer of concrete to a canal for some reason. Channeling a river in a certain direction... But you know, Nature always wins against us if we don't keep fighting, and all our cities and grand monuments are eventually worn down to nothing without continual maintenance. I'm really just stream-of-consciousness-ing all this, so if the flow is weird, that's why. Nature always has the upper hand because we don't live forever. I'm trying to stop reinforcing certain pathways in my brain, and without my perpetual thinking about the same things, that canal is becoming a little less concrete, a little less deep, slowly but surely.
People are all "you have no filter" but they don't know how much I have to filter just to be coherent when my thoughts are jumping around like this. I have like... 20? years of school and all the reading I've done on my own just bouncing around in my head and making patterns and I don't always know where everything comes from or how to explain why it all fits together. It doesn't frustrate me like it used to that I can't explain things that make perfect sense to me very well to other people, if at all, at least. I remember desperately wishing that I could just have some kind of unrestricted connection with someone else, the way Parameter and Equinox have in John Varley's short story, "Equinoctial", but it doesn't bother me so much anymore that it's impossible. That (currently?) impassable barrier, the physical/mental separation between us all that isolates us and forces us to live in lonely ambiguity, is kind of a blessing and a curse. Levinas would describe that separation as atheism, I think. He had this whole thing about God being present in the Face of the Other and blah blah Ethics blah blah Infinity blah blah Capitalizing Words to Make Them Extra Fancy.
I keep flashing back to my recent therapist saying "you're a little philosopher, aren't you?" with a wry smile on her face. I don't think she actually said "little" but for some reason I remember it that way.
*Lookit me, bein' all pretentious and USING FRENCH. lulz. I dunno, I think in tiny French phrases sometimes. It makes me feel less bad about basically forgetting everything I learned from three years of French in high school.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
I've had this video in my iTunes library for years, since before I knew Youtube existed, I think? Only JUST found out the artist right now.
"Here Come the Clones" by Avi Paul Weinstein.
I downloaded it from Google Video... I guess that was before they merged that with Youtube. Man, that was a long time ago.
Anyway, now I'm listening to some of the guy's other music. Here's "The Face of Jesus in My Soup":
Hawaii is nice, but I'm looking forward to seeing my friends at home. I felt much better today, definitely recharged. Got to talk to Fro for a bit on Skype, which was great as always, although sadly we couldn't chat for long because I had to leave for dinner.
Wondering when I can visit Kyle... I don't really have anything officially on my schedule until early/mid August, but trying to fly down and visit him before then seems like it could be a bit rushed? I dunno. Need to talk to him more about it, I think. At the very least I want to see him before the year is over, so we should have a fairly large time frame to figure out details in.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
I'm back from Australia (by which I mean, I'm in Hawaii again). I actually missed my flight on Friday morning, which was briefly pretty stressful. Got the time zones mixed up because of Google Calendar... Rebooked for the next day for $75. I had to call my uncle to pick me up from the airport, and we ran a couple errands before going home. My uncle was very understanding about it and told me not to feel bad, but my mom started lecturing me on how I needed to be more careful and that my mistakes were affecting everyone around me. She has a knack for bad timing, so she basically started lecturing me as soon as I got home, which wasn't that long after everything happened at the airport. I already felt bad about it, and she just made it worse. It was whatever though... I told her I didn't need a lecture, and she was like "I'm not lecturing you"... as she proceeded to lecture me. -__- She's done this more times than I can count, and I knew it was only going to escalate if I stayed, so I just went to my room and stayed in there for most of the rest of the day to avoid her. Didn't need things to turn into a heated discussion of how selfish and careless she thinks I am.
Honestly, I don't really have much to say about Australia. I feel like I should, but I just... don't. It was cool seeing how it differed from the US in various ways, but I felt a bit nervous the whole time I was there. Good ol' anxiety at work. For most of my stay, Becka and Joel bought/provided food for me, which was a relief, since I kept feeling anxious about trying to pay for myself and whether there would be any complications around that. I guess it's actually pretty straightforward and you can just use your credit card like normal, but I think the unfamiliarity of it was stressful for me. I'm not sure what it is about foreign money that's so... anxiety-provoking for me, but I bought almost nothing while I was there.
It feels like my anxiety levels have been increasing over the past few years. In a way, it feels like being in high school again? Although back then I just thought of it as shyness, not anxiety. It's been feeling harder to do new things than it used to, which seems... counterintuitive? I mean, it's easier to do certain things, like meet new people, but it's harder to do new-new things, I guess? Flying internationally for the first time by myself was stressful, though I got through it without too much trouble.
Feeling kind of unsteady, unsettled about things. Too much uncertainty about the future. There's always going to be some amount of uncertainty and ambiguity about life, yeah, but at the moment I feel there's too much, and I wish things were more defined.
Spotify suggested this to me. Getting pretty annoyed with hearing the same three ads on Spotify over and over again, but sometimes it does an alright job recommending new music to me.
"Who Loves the Sun" by The Velvet Underground.
I'm feeling really socially drained. I haven't had a solid chunk of alone time in awhile and the effects are noticeable. Sometimes when I'm feeling pretty social and enjoying the company of others, I forget that this can happen, and I wonder why I ever think I need to be alone, but... yeah. Still looking forward to seeing the guy I like soon though, before he... leaves... for months... At least we'll get some time together, I guess. Talking to him isn't draining, which is really nice.
Incorrigible filth [DP]
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Hiked today [2P]
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Too tired to upload pictures
Thursday, July 6, 2017
I can't remember if I've posted this song or if I just used lyrics from it as a header before. It's been playing in my head tonight.
"Tarantula" by Smashing Pumpkins.
Esther and I went kayaking today with my mom and my uncle's friend, who owns the kayaks and a waterfront property. We were out on the water for about two hours, and my shorts got pretty soaked... I realized afterwards that there were holes in the kayak right next to the seats (Esther and I were in a two person one), so the water was splashing up onto me. We kayaked over to an ancient Hawaiian fishing pond and walked along the wall, then climbed up onto some kind of signal tower or something... I suspect we weren't really supposed to, but there weren't any signs saying "do not climb" and the ladder wasn't blocked off... so... yeah. Esther and I just walked up to it and were half-jokingly talking about climbing up it... and then... we actually did it... I went first, and I only had slippers on so I just took them off since I thought my bare feet might have more grip. As it turns out, wet bare feet on thin steel rods don't feel great, nor do they have much grip. Still, I made it to the top, and then fought off anxiety as the tower gently swayed in the wind. Esther followed me up, and then my uncle's friend came up too. We got a few pictures and then went back down, because it was terrifying being up so high.
After kayaking we got a tour of my uncle's friend's house, which was cool. His house isn't completely finished yet, but it's very big and very nice. Esther had lots of questions about it, but I mostly enjoyed just looking at everything. Must be nice to be that rich. He gave us Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, which was great after being outside kayaking. Very nice guy. I lost the lens cover to my camera, though. :\ I don't know if I lost it kayaking or in his house or what. Hopefully my lens doesn't get scratched up. If it does, though, I kinda needed a new camera anyway... This one seems like it's really reaching the end of its lifespan. It still works, but... not 100% of the time.
We had a late lunch from one of the copycats of Giovanni's shrimp truck. Despite it not actually being normal lunch time, Giovanni's had an obscenely long line, so we just went somewhere else. It tasted basically the same anyway, from what they told me. I just got garlic rice because I'm not that into shrimp. My uncle wanted to go eat our food in the fancy McDonald's next to the Polynesian Cultural Center because it had a waterfall and stuff inside, but we found out that they knocked that McDonald's down to build a hotel or something and just built a normal small McDonald's nearby instead. We still ate inside (and got drinks from McDonald's to justify our presence there), but it was nothing spectacular.
At some point I just started feeling really tired and wanted alone time. I felt kind of bad for wanting alone time when I'm hosting a friend, but like... I just didn't have the drive to hang out more at that point. Still had a Skype call with friends and talked to Fro on the phone a bit (if it's just the two of us it makes more sense, since the connection is better), and that was fine. I think it's just the in-person part that gets really draining.
Got to talk to the guy I like today, which made me happy. I guess he wasn't feeling great, but I was just glad to talk to him at all.
Today was calmer
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
"Up & Down" by Richard Dinsdale.
All these ups and downs... I feel better today than I did last night, which isn't saying much. Talked to my mom about changing my plans and she was fine with it.
There were some positive things yesterday I didn't really mention. For one, I made my uncle really happy when I mentioned that I'd taken his investing advice and had made a profit. He thought I had just been kind of humoring him or something, I guess. Anyway, he talked to me more about that and about the possibility of supplementing my (future) income nicely with some solid investments. I've said this a bunch of times, but I'd really like to get better at investing, haha...
Uncle: If you get good enough at investing, you can date whoever you want instead of marrying some rich old ugly guy! Then people will be marrying you for YOUR money!
Me: Oh... oh boy...!
I also mentioned to him that I'd been thinking about the possibility that I'll have to help manage renting out my grandparents' old house in Hawaii once my uncle gets older. He's planning on living in like the Philippines or something for a chunk of the year when he's old, and someone will need to manage the property. I might have to fly to Hawaii kind of frequently to do that, though, just to take care of problems and stuff. I wonder if once a quarter would be enough? I don't want to live in Hawaii, but I do want to help out with family matters. Would also be nice to have some extra income from that. And I just need to learn how to do these things sooner rather than later.
Today was pretty laid back, didn't do much for 4th of July. Got to talk to Fro on the phone for three hours! That was fun. I'm looking forward to hanging out with her more when I get back home.
My friend Esther is coming here tomorrow! I'm not sure what to show her first... Maybe we'll take her to get shave ice, or go to Chinatown or something. There's a weird ice cream place somewhere in Chinatown here that sells flavors like Cheezus, which... as far as I can tell from Instagram... is Cheez-It flavor ice cream. -Hurk- Anyway, I'm sure we'll find stuff to do. I know she wants to go kayaking, at least.
Am looking forward to... talking with the guy I like again. :P The past few days went surprisingly fast actually, but I still felt a little antsy over the lack of contact we had.
I didn't think that through [4P]
Monday, July 3, 2017
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