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There has never been a sadness that can't be cured by breakfast foods.
Days of the year

January 2020

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Monday. 5.14.07 5:38 pm
He's right. On top of that, he's known. Which makes me feel dilluted because so have I.

I watched Retun of the King yesterday. The last time I sat the whole way through was at a graduation party 3 years ago. Needless to say I didn't pay as much attention to it as I would have liked. I didn't even WATCH it this time until after I recieved a phone call.

Then I heard it.

listen. listen. listen.

I had simply let the images wash over me, much as I had done with the words. I needed to watch them now. I needed to be them. I had to connect. My mind raced and I began to cry. Was it because of the movie...or, was it for me? For all that I have missed out on and am only now starting to see? I have been seeing it - for some time really - but I was only allowing in a few rays. I have now pulled back the curtains and have given the light full access inside my home. However, I may have waited too long, taken too much for granted. I pray I haven't made the same mistake twice, but how can you stop the sun from setting?

I lit a few candles and settled down to read the first few parts of my homework for summer school. I put on Adagio for Strings and lay down on the floor of my room (as I often do when I really want to mull things over). I thought about all that's happened, how things are, and all the open doors that lay before. I thought about where I was and how I've moved from there. The small changes that have already happened. I'm not done yet. "You've barely even started, all you've done is tell me that there's an iceberg, you haven't even begun describing it". I didn't do more because I was scared. As I am with so many things that I shouldn't be. I'm done being controlled by my fear - most of which are irrational. I don't pretend to know all of what's going to happen, or that I won't be worried about it, but since we've got a whole lotta unknown why not try and direct some of it? I'm ready for change. Not total change - but enough to trully matter. Some of it will be harder than the rest. Some......I don't want to ever come, but we were never promised what we wanted.

Lorne: "Yeah, you are in a bad place, aren't you doll? - You thought you could outrun them - and maybe you were free. - But those old monsters hunted you down. - I know why you're running away, Fred. You know what your problem is?"
Fred: "I'm not strong enough to stay and face my fear."
Lorne: "No. You haven't run far enough."

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Saturday. 5.12.07 3:38 pm
*spinspinspin* My brain never stops spinning.

CVS. A fairly normal drug store. Shampoo, batteries, makeup, magazines, asprin nothing out of the ordinary. But, as we drove by it my mind whirled at it. There we were driving out to a park near midnight - most of the world either asleep or quickly heading in that direction and here this place was open. Ready to serve it's purpose in case someone should have a late night hair emergency. That wasn't what got me though. In Fort Worth there are hardly any stars. There's so much light pollution that usually the only heavenly body you can see is the moon. Which, in all fairness IS loverly, but isn't quite the same as stars. There's something the stars can do that the moon simply can't - or perhaps at least not to the degree that stars can. In any case - I wanted to see the stars and was humored in a short trip to the park.

Light. Light from electricity and it's connection with nothing other than humans. It seems that as soon as fire was invented - or controlled - it has always followed humans. From nomadic tribes using fires to cook or as a source of light, to western pioneers using it for trains, cars, or lamp light.To today in every part of our lives. Iight means a thriving metropolis where anything is possible. "We have reached into the heavens and brought the stars to within your grasp" they silently whisper to all who witness the sparkling spectacle. They illcit hope, keep businesses up and running, and allow us to work and play well into the night. Animals don't need light, they use the moon and stars themselves to do all they need to do.

Light's purpose on earth is one imagnies - to sustain life. You can now turn on the lamp next to your bed so that you don't slam your toe into door frame when you get up in the middle of the night (not that having light prevents this totally...). It's the lights on top of a police car who stops the drunk driver and gets them off the road, it's the street light which allowes children to play outside after the sun sets, and the lights that keep hospitals open in the middle of the night. It's purpose was constructed for good. Not even light, but electricity in general. It started on the right track. It was meant to improve, to better our situation. It even helps to spur on creative thinking in every form. Movies, Science, Modern Art, Design in some cases even Fasion. Electricity was supposed to bring us as a global community together, the internet, cell phones, sattleites, all of it. Instead these things have become warped and are being abused. We use these communication devices as a means to become invsible. It's used to stalk, lie, harrass, and in some cases cause bodily harm to whomever one might want to harm.

Is it worth it? Is all that we have accomplished in pushing society foward with the means of electricy been worth what we've given up? Is it better to have friends that stretch the world just to have none in your hometown? I mean, you could still communicate - the post office DOES still exit. Is it worth it to be able to purchase a bottle of shampoo at midnight so that when you look skyward all you can see is a pale orange cloud? Are we really more connected or are we simply distancing ourselves from anyone who could be physically close to us? I mean, this thought even extends to what today is called "hooking up". If you want physical intimacy - just go online, put in your specifications, and like an online ordered pizza or plate of chinese food, someone arrives at your door to be close to you and then leave. There's no chance of being hurt. It's being as close as two human beings can be while staying as far away as possible. (Sorry, bit of ramble there) In the end, I'm not sure. No one reads anymore - people's imaginations have shrivled into dried plums. Our intrest as a society in things that involve nature or that require skill and practice are now things that have become incredibly specalized. The more I see, the more I see things digressing. The more I see not careing. Those who take real efforts to try and better the situation are remarked upon as hippies. I see no reason why this can't be. Grow your own garden, use candles at night, read a book and maybe even make your own clothing. Why not? I'm not sure that having the stars back would change a thing......but at least you would know wether you're wishing on a star, or on a sattelite. In as so far as I'm concerned getting them back would be a cause for celebration.

When we got to the park, we walked a bit. There were fireflies.

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Thursday. 5.10.07 3:44 pm

One of the reasons I'm looking foward to this?
Nymphadora Tonks.

Tonks (who despises her first name) is a vivacious young woman in her twenties who is an Auror and Order of the Phoenix operative, as well as a Metamorphmagus. She can alter her appearance at will and makes heavy use of this knack, not only as a phenomenal gift in the art of disguise but for the lighter purposes of experimenting with her appearance and entertainment. She is not good at household spells and is also notoriously clumsy.

By heritage Tonks is a half-blood, being daughter to pure-blood Andromeda Tonks and Muggle-born Ted Tonks. Tonks was not a member of the original Order due to her young age. She schooled at Hogwarts, and was sorted into Hufflepuff. She must have been a fairly good student to meet the standards required for her later profession - although she was not made a prefect due to her inability to behave herself. She subsequently underwent three years of Ministry of Magic's Auror training, where she's known to have passed Concealment and Disguise effortlessly, but met trouble with Stealth and Tracking.

During Harry Potter's sixth year, Tonks was stationed at Hogsmeade and assigned to guard Hogwarts. Harry observed her behaving uncharacteristically: she was constantly depressed, rarely smiling or being friendly as she had previously been. Her hair had reverted to a mousy brown, her apparent natural colour, suggesting that her metamorphosing had been disturbed, and her Patronus changed some time after the Battle of Hogwarts from an unknown form to a large, hairy, four-legged creature. Harry speculated that she might have been in love with Sirius Black - not the least since her Patronus resembled Sirius' Animagus form. However, at the end of the Half Blood Prince this is theory is discovered to possibly be wrong. When in fact she may have been in love with an Order of the Phoenix member, Remus Lupin. This would explain her hair colour and her changed Patronus, since Remus Lupin is a werewolf.

Nymphadora literally means "Gift of the Nymphs". Nymphs are guardian spirits in Greek mythology who rule trees, sacred groves, streams and the ocean. During the Renaissance, northern Europeans equated the classical nymphs with their own legends of elves. Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream sees traditional English elves like Robin Goodfellow alongside Greek nymphs as servants of Diana (Titania). If we therefore read "gift of the nymphs" as "gift of the elves", this echoes the ancient myth of babies stolen by elves and replaced by hideous monsters called changelings. The metamorphic Tonks could be described as a "changeling". 'Nymph' is also the name of the immature stage of a dragonfly or damselfly before it molts, metamorphosing into a winged adult.

Tonks will be played by actress Natalia Tena in the movie adaptation of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,

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listen listen listen
Wednesday. 5.9.07 7:40 pm
I'm registered for Summer School. 16 hours in total. My fall semester is lacking at least 1 class which needs to be approved by the library science advisors. I'm excited about it. A little worried - but excited nonetheless. I also need to get on that financial aid stuff in a BIG way.

This year has been tough. It's not looking to get any easier anytime soon. Not only has it been this lets-hit-you-in-the-face-with-a-fryin-pan-but-kick-the-life-out-of-you-while-you're-down-as-well type of year, but we're only 5 months into it. Heck, my lot isn't even that bad. There are people who exist in this world that are stronger than anyone will ever give them credit for. It boggles my mind, as to how blind some people can be. How they can see things that are right in front of them yet never realize it simply because they dont want to, don't take the time to, or are offended by what it could possibl mean. This year doesn't make much sense to me. I try to get it to make sense....I try and I try, yet it slips from my hand like fine sand. I mean, I know it's sand, I can touch it - feel it - in some cases smell it, if I wantd to - even taste it....but if I try to get any closer to it, it sifts throgh my fingers and is carried away in the wind. (much like Sandman was in Spiderman 3)

Why is it that this happens? Why does it occur? This bad karma/luck/circumstances? Oh, I have my theories - my simple observations. I have heard speakers, read books, and listened to stories of people's lives that try to explain why stuff like this happens. But, in most cases those are the after effects of what happened. The looking back and considering that since a good thing came out of a bad thing - that the bad thing has now become good. But, does a good end result cause the negative precursers to somehow magically transform into positive events? An end to justiy the means? Is this consistent with every situation? Why on some and not on others then? I have *always* believed that the world NEEDS bad or "evil" in order for there to be good. But, if the "evil" is *needed* is it still bad? Wouldn't it in effect be sustaining "good" as an entity? So...in that case what is good? what is bad? why is it needed? Is it needed at all? Is it nothing more than our catalyst in life? Is it possible that we don't move - don't think - aren't capable of anything until we are provoked? That we perhaps NEED this catalyst in our lives to begin momentum? But, then one must wonder what we are being moved towards. Will we ever know what it is we're aimed at? If we don't like where we're headed is it possible to change? I realize that it's POSSIBLE to change - but are we ALLOWED? It spins me about alright, It's complicated as anything nd the more I dig into it - the more I realize I'm going in circles. However - I'm also finding that by going in circles you find the center of gravity (even if you don't get it). You'll feel pulled towards it sooner or later.

In other news (some which will make FAR more sense) I returned my guinea pig. She was too expensive and had anyone found her in here I would have been evicted. I didn't want to - but I knew it was right. There's a guinea pig in my future, I know it. Just, not now.

There are things I need to work on this year. Self improvement and what-not. I want to try and read for my own pleasure a little bit. I doubt it'll be anything too in depth but the last book I read was "watership down" and I'm ready for more words to cross my path. I also want to get active. Walk, run, tennis, swimming... something. I actually lost weight this past semester at home and I'd like to keep it gone. Perhaps lose more if at all possible. I also need to get out and try to make friends. I don't do clubs much but there's got to be SOME sort of activity that I can join to drag myself out of this hermit crab shell. Find some things to talk about. Not let others carry the conversation so much - which of course I'm used to because most if not all my friends back home are such strong personality types. Ive grown used to and comfortable in the back just watching everything go on. An inrested observer if you will. This will be the hardest part for me. Small chit-chat is alright but it'll only get you so far. I want friendships. That takes alot more.

Another concept I'm getting used to. The idea of getting your hands dirty in relationships, of actually helping and giving worthy advice or criticism. One of my best friends said something in passing the other day. He had no idea what he said but it really made me stop and think. He said "You always accept me for who I am and what i've done or are about to do. I don't think there's ever been a time when I've gone to you for advice and you've given me a direct yes or no. You always say it's my choice and that you'd be there if I needed you". I don't know why it hurt - it just did. I guess I realized that I haven't been giving my whole honest opinon to my friends. If you can't be completely honest with your friends (even the hurtful honest, which in the end is usually best) then who can you be honest with? Heck, you're not even being honest to yourself in that particular situation. So, that's another thing that needs improvement.

I think that's it for now......


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