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undecided
Going through life like a zombie
Sunday. 11.13.11 5:59 am
I'm beginning to realise that I do not remember what I do at work.. It is as if I went through it like a zombie. If I do that thing quite often, I'd remember the procedure but if I do it once or twice before, zilch. I think it is bad since I am doing pretty much the same things over and over again and yet I cannot remember. It's like I go there eight hours of sleepwalking and then I come home, and continue sleeping.

I'm beginning to feel like this ain't that much different from when I am studying. I prefer studying because it is more challenging. This isn't much of a challenge and I am not taking this seriously. Which is bad because I tend to do mistakes like a dumbfuck.

As much as I want life to change dramatically, I don't know how to change my life dramatically.

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Everything I do is wrong.
Saturday. 10.29.11 1:00 am
I'm supposed to be the first one to wake up every morning while everyone else has the right to sleep in. Even on a Saturday.

He is your husband, if you don't give a fuck, why should I?

Whenever I fall, you are never the ones to ask "Are you okay?" You always sum things up to be my fault. You've already decided that it is my fault and I'm supposed to be responsible for everything, why should I even bother?

I sprained my ankle today, none of them noticed nor care. It is me misbehaving and wearing heels that are "too tall".

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Additions & Subtractions
Friday. 10.7.11 12:26 pm
Add one to the list of regrets that I have in life.
Add one to the list of lies that I say to get myself out of things that I don't want to do.
Add one to the list of people that I use in the above lies.

Add one to the list of things that I have done / Minus one from the list of things that one should do at least once in your life.

What have I done today? I spontaneously decided to dress up and crash a certain "ball". I swear it is more like High School Prom... I was just at my company's dinner last Friday and I was subconsciously comparing the two hotels and I have to say that despite the more awesome lucky draw prizes, service and everything else, KL Hilton wins.

It was lame (the ball).. and despite knowing that I didn't want to drink or even club this weekend, I don't know why I decided to go..... When the time comes for clubbing... Well, I'm generally in a good mood so I don't like drinking or the loud music in the clubs. So I lied... Not that I'm feeling bad about lying.. I am so used to it because my friends just don't take no for an answer and when it comes to that impasse between me and them, I'm the one that usually have to back down because it's me against them. Honestly, I hate it when it is me against the world.

So despite being really happy for most of today, going to this ball actually ruined my mood. It made me realise how I have outgrown these stuff and what is important to me is not what deemed to be important for people my age. I feel suffocated and it's sad that people don't see that. Sigh..

Anyway, that's all folks... I hope I didn't jinxed Sunday by saying it out loud. It's not like I don't want to go out with them, they just have the wrong timing most of the time.

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It's complicated
Monday. 9.26.11 9:58 am
My life seem to have gotten more complicated as of late and it is mostly because I don't know how this person has gotten so lodged into my life, I cannot find a way to get 'em out without feeling ungreatful and that I've lost a wonderful, wonderful friend.

I would really like to ask God, if there is a God, why the hell did you put this person in my life? I'm not trying to blame everyone else but me because I do think I am to blame for something (my lack of "balls" when it matters, really). While I want this to be clear cut, I don't want to just throw it out the window because I know I will not help but care.

Today I added a co-worker into my Facebook and then I realised that I might have some explanations to do if the co-worker puts two and two together, which I really don't want to. I'm lucky enough to be able to keep this at arm's length at work and I want it to remain this way. So I went and used someone else's deactivated account to check things out and I breathed a sigh of relief. This person, is still quite private in a way. I think I'll be able to get away with it for a little while more. Phew!

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Friday. 9.16.11 3:45 am
I seem to be stuck with immature people whom don't act their age very often. Not that I'm saying that I am very mature and that people cannot be immature every now and then but I seem to be stuck with those who are immature most of the time.

Scenario 1

Leader : Undecided, you shall follow Y to meet client tomorrow morning.
Me: Okay..
*turns to Y*
Me: What time do you want me to come to work?
Y: LOL! Meeting starts at 9.40, of course during your normal working hours!!

You see, being new at work and I having no idea where to client's place is, isn't it normal for you to ask what time I should come into work if the meeting is in the morning just in case it'd take really long to get to the client's place on time? And no one else but her laughed.

Scenario 2

Leader: Y, teach undecided how to do xxx. Undecided, if there is anything you don't know, ask Y.

And I didn't talk to Y, who is sitting next to me, for the next 2 hours. Anything to be said within that two hours was through email and is never more than 2 sentences.

Ai-yai-yai-yai-yai!

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Sunday. 9.4.11 5:43 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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