being a girl, there is one thing i just dont understand about other girls... i walk into the toilet busting to look for a cubicle... there was no queue so logically speaking, an empty, decent cubicle should be quite easily accessible... however there were a crowd of girls gathered around a corner, not doing their makeup, but CHATTING! seriously! of all places, who would pick to have a catch up in the toilet! i just dont understand!

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it was all good.. until just now... what did i do wrong? am i always wrong? why do i always get the blame? i came home, i was tired... i had to do a whole load of washing... i was waiting for the call... its just that i was preoccupying myself while i was waiting... i watched tv... is there something wrong with that? and so my sister tells me my phone is ringing half an hr after she was suppose to.... is that my fault too? i ditched what i was watching straight away already... i called back straight away... and what do i get? a load of rubbishy and sarcastic comments.... should i have not called back? following that were a whole bunch of questions, as though i had been up to something fishy... working 8 hrs in an environment where you always have to keep a smile on your face even when your patients are yelling at you or dissatisfied with their service, is that not enough for a day?

all i wanted was to have something mor pleasant to end my day... not to make it worse... but why is this all i get? i wish someone could understand and share what im going through...

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and so i've been working... long hours everyday and im dead tired as anyone else would be. however, after work today, i went out for dinner with my bf. i thought that i'd probably not be too fond of it since i was so exhausted... but it was better than i thought.... it was only then that i realised...... if i had hung out with my friends after work and being so tired... i'd probably be kind of grouchy and possibly be thinking 'i wish i was at home sleeping, this is so boring' ... but even at the time that my bf and i were just sitting down and not even talking at all... i felt so comfortable and relaxed while he was giving me a back massage ... i dont know if it was the back massage that made me feel that way or was it because it was him? would i have felt the same way if my friends were giving me a massage? well i personally reckon that it'd be quite odd... might feel a tad weird huh...

hmmmmm......

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its been 2 months since the last entry.. im still unhappy... sometimes i cant control my tears ... even in front of him... so i tell him im not happy with him and the whole relationship... thats why im always crying so much... he just says i make myself cry and do it for nothing... i dont even know how to talk to him anymore... he doesnt even understand me... will i ever find myself again... how is it possible to escape a locked cage?

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what am i suppose to do? there is not a single day we dont fight anymore. im beginning to dislike everything he does now. i feel so restricted i can't even breathe. he can't even trust me anymore. this relationship is so pointless. it wont get anywhere. i havent been happy in so long that i dont even remember how to be happy. he took away everything from me, one by one. he doesnt let me talk to a lot of my friends. but then when he's on the phone with me, i feel hes only doing it so i can't talk to anyone, because all he does is talk to his friends and friends of friends and play games with them. and im expected to just sit here listening and do nothing at all. and if im talking to a friend, i have to tell him who exactly and what exactly. there is nothing more than pain to this relationship. sometimes i just rather not be with him than suffer like this.

last night he blamed me for where he is now. he said if i had moved out then there wouldnt be today, because he wouldnt have moved out. to him, he feels that everything hes done and where he is now is all because of me. what am i?

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everything is so unstable now. i can't even picture what would happen the next day anymore. everything is just a blur, there is no sense of security or trust anymore. i dont think its right to blame him. but strangely enough i don't feel very upset over the lack of bond between us. i dont think this is a good thing though.

last night, i had a dream. a dream about the recent. he had moved away from home and stuff. he proposed to me, i had rejected him. come to think of it in reality, i wouldnt know what i'd do now either. i feel so lost, my mind has no sense of direction... maybe when he finds a place to move at least, things may be a little better. i really don't like where he's staying right now. i can say i totally hate it. but i havent told him i hated it THAT much, he knows i dislike it though. what can i do ... and its not like he can do anything even if i do tell him anyway.

someone show me a future with light and happiness.

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when you love someone, do you accept all their weaknesses as well as strengths?
then why is it that you fight over the most stupid things or become annoyed over the way they are acting or doing things you dislike?
im beginning to question myself... i wonder why it happens, why is it that i get angry so easily... is it that hes revealing his real self more and more now that we've been together longer? or that im expecting more and more? or is it that im fed up with putting up with the attitude?
what is it supposed to mean? im holding more and more from telling him everything... is it cos i dont know how to express myself? or that i dont think its the right time? or maybe there isnt any chance to tell him really because other things always get in the way? or is it because i dont even want to tell and talk to him anymore?
it seems like i dont know him as well as time goes on, but hes pushing me further and further into the relationship.... he sees a future, he sees a lot of things... but i dont even feel like im being treated right.
i hate guys who believe that just because you're their girlfriend, they can get you to do anything whether its a favour, a chore or anything physical at all.. there just isnt any respect what so ever as to what i want. he doesnt even go to THINK about why i feel that way or why i dont want to do certain things like play games while im studying -.-" and so on...
im really tired of this. how much more can i tolerate... how much longer can i tolerate... when i get angry, he just tells me to stop arguing with him... when i try to put him in my own shoes, he tells me to 'cut that crap' ... i dont even know this man anymore... or maybe i dont even want to know him anymore. as much it may hurt to hear it or read it.. it huts no where near as much as inside my heart when it all happens and when i think back and have to reason the situation.

money and gifts are just tangible items that anyone can get if they had money. the intangible items are priceless, thats whats worth the most and its as simple as i want. why doesn't he ever put in the effort to just sit around with me to talk, or just cuddle me and sit there and do nothing else but talk? is there something hes hiding that hes afraid i'd ask? or that he can't tell me?

im tired, but im not sleepy... i'm just really tired of trying to force a smile when i dont want to... holding in anger when i'm really stressed already.. and the immaturity can really drive me insane sometimes. just how long will this last?

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its already been a week since the incident. i feel terrible. i know im not always there for him. yet im the one who complains the most about him not being there for me. i dont have the right to do so, but i sometimes i just cant help it at the time. i really dont know what to do about anything. i feel completely shit about everything, yet i have to act strong and vibrant and lively in front of him. little does he know how much pressure im under and how unhappy i actually am. as a matter of fact, no one knows, not my parents, not him. no one. i dont want to ask for more. all i want for my birthday this year, is for him to be happy and stop treating me like a lapdog. im not a pet. i dont want to be punished for decisions which are made for me where i have no say in.

all i hope for in that box is the job at crown for him. because i know with that, it'll make him a little more useful, and it'll keep him preoccupied during the day.. and it'll help him solve a lot of problems atm.

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