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Memores acti prudentes futuri

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no surprise, no mystery
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Online Radio

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts

Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Out There
Owen's Uncles
Phuzzy Comics
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scary Go Round
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy

Wilde Life
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Moon Town
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Sin Titulo
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
Super Buzzkill
The Super Fogeys
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Ugly Girl
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown

Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
The opposite of boredom is not fun
Tuesday, April 13, 2021
I was lying in bed last night, thinking about boredom. Boredom is not something I feel very often, despite it seeming to be a common state for many people.

At the same time, I wouldn't say I exist in a constant state of enjoyment, either. Actually, if anything, I don't enjoy very much. There is frequently a cloud of anhedonia hanging around me that keeps me from really liking things I do. Thanks depression! Still, I do things, even if I don't get much out of them. Not doing anything would only make it worse.

The opposite of boredom is stimulation, but that stimulation doesn't have to be positive or enjoyable... And I wonder if that's why I've sought out so many experiences that are not particularly happy or fun. If I can't really enjoy something meant to be fun, it makes sense to go for something that might make me sad instead, right? It's still a feeling. It holds off boredom.

We seek stimulation... wherever that comes from. Inner or outer, positive or negative. Obviously some types are preferred over others, but just about anything is preferable to nothing at all.


I did enjoy this video about the death of Hundun.

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Friday, April 2, 2021
I'm feeling increasing tired of consumerism and neoliberal ideology.

I don't want stuff for the sake of having stuff. I don't want stuff because I think having stuff will in itself make me happy.

On the other hand, this doesn't mean that I'm resolving to become a minimalist and get rid of all my possessions, either. I like having physical books because I find them easier to read. I don't think I need them by any means, nor do I think it's particularly important that other people know which books I own. There's something about the physicality of books that helps me remember information better. The discreteness of the pages compared to the infinitely scrolling walls of text online. I can place something I read by recalling generally where it was in the sequence of pages. The motion of turning the pages, the slight movement of my head as I look from one page to the next; these are helpful somehow to my memory.

As much as I read on the internet, it doesn't seem to stick with me as well.

I'm finding it hard to care about clothes as well. I appreciate the aesthetics of various fashions, but have very little desire to spend any time building my wardrobe. As long as I have clothes that are functional and meet the minimum requirements of appropriateness for the situation I'm in, I don't know how much any of it really matters. It can still be fun to try on clothing in stores, but I rarely want to buy anything. Even when I do really like something, if I sit on that feeling for a day or so it goes away. I still wear a lot of the t-shirts I got in high school because I haven't grown out of them and they don't have holes yet.

The constant cultural messages about being productive and efficient and using the things you consume as the building blocks of your identity... I'm just exhausted. I don't want to live this way. I don't have any grand diatribes about how humans weren't meant to live this way or anything, I'm just tired. It doesn't feel like I can keep up.

I want to live more slowly, I guess. But... I don't want to do it alone. That's what makes it hard more than anything else. I don't fault people who feel differently than me and want to live a fast-paced life, but I wish I knew how to find the people who are looking to slow down. The ones who aren't crazy, I mean.

There seems to be a lot of overlap between people who are interested in slow living and people who are into like... astrology or healing crystals or whatever. Or on the other hand, there are the people like an ex of mine, who went so far down the rabbit hole that he said he'd like to do literally nothing all day. That's not what I want at all.

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Self improvement is not a force of nature
Tuesday, March 30, 2021
"Don't Wait Too Long" by Madeleine Peyroux.

Maybe I've got a lot to learn
Time can slip away
Sometimes you've got to lose it all
Before you find your way

Take a chance, play your part
Make romance, it might break your heart
But if you think that time will change your ways
Don't wait too long


"I hope I'm not like this in ten years."

Well, I couldn't help but think to myself, you probably will be if you aren't making any effort to change now.

Time alone won't make you a better person.

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Sunday, March 21, 2021
"Apocalypse" (slowed) by Cigarettes After Sex.

Got the music in you baby, tell me why
Got the music in you baby, tell me why
You've been locked in there forever
And you just can't say goodbye

You've been locked in there forever
And you just can't say goodbye

When you're all alone
I will reach for you
When you're feeling low
I will be there too

I'm slowly going through True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart by Thich Nhat Hanh.
Whatever you do mindfully is meditation. When you touch a flower, you can touch it with your fingers, but better yet, you can touch it mindfully, with your full awareness. “Breathing in—I know that the flower is there; breathing out—I smile at the flower.” While you are practicing in this way, you are really there and at the same time, the flower is really there.

If you are not really there, nothing is there.

The sunset is something marvelous and so is the full moon, but since you are not really there, the sunset is not for you.

The sentence "If you are not really there, nothing is there" struck me when I read it. It resonates with my experiences of depersonalization/derealization, though I know that's not exactly what it's referring to.

When nothing is there, nobody is there, and if nobody is there, is loneliness any surprise?

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Not forgotten
Tuesday, March 16, 2021
I've made a lot of internet friends over the years, and have lost touch with many. People change and grow apart and not everyone can sustain a friendship at a distance. It's okay. I know that's just the natural cycle of things sometimes.

Still, when I can, I like to check in with some of them from time to time. I don't expect to reignite the friendship necessarily. There isn't enough time or energy for me to be close with everyone. Reaching out feels important though. Just a little reminder, like,

"Hey, I remember you, and I care about you enough to say hi."

It's easy to assume people have a lot of their own stuff going on and they won't care if I say anything, especially if it's been a year or more, but... even so, I guess I just want to let them know that someone out there remembers.

You exist, and I want to acknowledge it

For some reason this makes me think of part of a children's story; I think I've mentioned it before. "Tear Water Tea" by Arnold Lobel.

Owl thinks of sad things, and one of them is spoons that have fallen behind the stove and are never seen again.

I don't want any of the people I've known to become fallen spoons to me... Forgetting is so sad and I can't bear it.

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Three weeks [2P]
Saturday, February 6, 2021
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Something unforeseen
Tuesday, January 26, 2021
I'm unexpectedly happy. It feels like a freak accident, but at the same time it feels bizarre that I haven't always felt this way.

I feel like I'm reconnecting with the parts of me I like most. Like... they have been buried for some time and I'm delighted to see them again. It's wonderful to be this person again.

Here's a pleasant light track to go with my mood.

"Girls Like Zephyr" by Oleg Kostrow.

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Straying from the path [4P]
Monday, January 11, 2021
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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