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Happiness
Sunday. 4.22.18 8:12 pm
The guy from Fresno and I broke it off a bit ago. There was no connection, although he was a pretty good guy. I couldn't feel it. And I think not having that spark made me miss my ex. Or at least, miss having that type of connection with someone.

But now, I found someone that I feel I have an even stronger connection with. It's exciting, but also very scary to have this connection with him. I like him so much, but I try not to show him just how much. Not just yet. Anyways, so far there is nothing at all I would ever want to change about him. He's kind, sweet, HILARIOUS, thoughtful, and affectionate. He's exactly what I have always wanted in a man. I never felt this way before. 26 years of my life, and I never felt such an easy, strong bond with someone this fast.

We literally met in person on Tuesday (4/17). Since then, I met his family, he met my friends, and we have hung out so much. His family is so welcoming and warm, just like him. I felt accepted. I was a little shy, but I think as time goes on I can feel more and more comfortable. He introduced me just by my name, no title, which was fine. But by the end, he was holding my hand and rubbing my back in front of his family, lol. It was pretty cute. When we went out with my friends, apparently he was asking people what they thought of me, and that types of guys I like lol. He also intentionally went out to try to talk to all of my friends individually. So sweet. I'm not sure but I think he was drunk. He told me "One day, we are going to get married, have two kids, and a one story house". How did he know I want a one story house? Ugh, he's amazing. Anyways, I asked him "what would we name our kids?" and he asked me "Don't girls already have their kids names picked out since they were children?". And you know what? I realize I don't have any names picked out. I guess I want to see my child first before naming them. Of course, I don't want to think about having kids until I'm 30, which is 3 years away from now.

At the end of the day, we vibe very well. Jermaine, my coworker, told me he can feel the vibe. I know it's new, and it's exciting, and that maybe I am too hopeful...

But i hope I found him. I hope he thinks he found the one too.

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The porch test
Saturday. 4.7.18 2:32 pm
Today, I miss my ex.

I just miss the connection we had. I don’t have feelings for him anymore to be quite honest. But, I remember how connected I felt to him. Our laughter was genuine, our desire to be around eachother all the time was real. I remember things from when we first started dating that I completely forgot about: staying in marriot hotels, having too loud of uuhh, you know what, that our neighbors banged on our wall. The time we went dumpster diving for makeup (lol, I’m a weirdo I know). How he used to take a 2 hour bus ride to see me, because his car wouldn’t make it.

I know our relationship had very, very sad times. I wasn’t happy with myself, and I lost myself trying to get Chris to better his life. That’s what I don’t miss about our relationship, and why I don’t want him back at this time. But, everything else? It was amazing. He cheated, but I wonder if I would have forgiven him if he had his life together. My sister in law believes we would still be together if he just tweaked some stuff about himself: if he ate healthy, had his future laid out, and if he was confident in himself, we would be together. Maybe she’s right, maybe I would have forgiven it. But at this time, I’m glad we broke up. All I know is, I can breathe better these days.

Still, is is weird that I can see myself with Chris when we are both old and grey? I imagine us having kids and a different life with other people. Him happy with the woman he falls in love with. Has cute Korean babies, and I would comment on his Facebook at how smart they are for getting honor role again. And he would complement how my daughters look exactly like me, and congratulate them on their dance competitions (hahaha, I’m so lame). anyways, we would be happy for eachother and still keep in touch every now and then.

Then, when we are old and our lovers passed, our kids are grown and we having nothing left: I see Chris and I, sitting on the porch together laughing about the good old days. I can see us smiling and holding hands, just happy to be next to eachother. All the things we found so serious, we would find trivial. he passes my porch test, and I think he always will. He swears we are soul mates still, and wants to eventually get back together. In this sense, he might be right. Is he my soulmate? Will we end up together when we are old and grey? Is this a creepy dreamer blog that everyone will roll their eyes at? I’m not so sure lol.

Anyways, the guy I’m dating is cool, but there’s a spark missing I think. I want that spark, one even brighter and bigger than Chris and I had. Hopefully I find it.

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