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Fast forward
Monday. 2.5.07 12:17 pm
I can get ridiculously self-conscious sometimes. For no apparent reason, I’ll start amping out and get insecure. What is up with that? I do my best to keep a straight face and hold my head up, but sometimes I feel like the exterior ’strength’ only disguises how I really feel on the inside. A lot of it is probably from the fact that I am indeed sensitive. My friend Kitchelle wrote in my yearbook back in middle school to tone down the sensitivity… and for the most part, I have. Yet at times I still feel too much. Maybe it’s because I’m a Pisces (if you believe in that stuff) but yeah.

I know that I’m not ‘fat’, but I only accepted that realization after I actually started becoming a gym junkie and having no excuse for saying that I am. I know that focusing on one’s image is nothing short of narcissism, but if you feel good about yourself and how your present yourself to the world, then it shows. Yes, beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, but in my case, I feel more secure now that I know I’m doing something about my insecurities instead of just letting it fester inside the depths of my soul.

I made a vow to myself to clear my name of certain mistakes I made in the past; and I will. It might be years in the making, but it did take me this long to get as mature as I am, so now is a good time as any to set things right.

I love to sing, and both my myspace and soundclick are testaments to that, but I also would like to become a better dancer. I guess you could say I could keep up, but again, it’s a matter of confidence, and the only way to build that up is through practice, practice, practice, which is something I have not done since I shunned an old ‘dance troupe’ and graduated from high school. Who knows, UCSD is a new beginning, a new chapter in my life. I plan to make the most of it.

I don’t have a lot of friends I can call ‘close’ and I’m fine with that. I’d rather have the friends I have now which I know I can rely on than the ones I thought were friends who did nothing but turn their backs and walk away the moment I realized the gig was up. Hey, at least I drew positive energy from all the negativity that has plagued the earlier parts of my early adult life, and look where its gotten me: a new outlook on life, and a better understanding of myself and my capabilities as an individual.

I see an endless landscape at UCSD, and I will be sure to not let anything pass me by. I worked way too damn hard to get to this point in my life to let any moment big or small pass me by. If anything, I believe it is my closer relationship with God that has continued to bring so many fortunate blessings in my life.

So as I end this entry, I just need to reflect on where I’ve been and where I want to go. It’s all achievable I believe. If my mind can conceive it and my heart can believe it, then I know I can achieve it. Whatever it may be.

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You're nothing but a spoiled brat.
Wednesday. 3.28.07 12:30 pm
I like to play with my Nintendo Wii and newly acquired Nintendo DS Lite… so what? There’s absolutely nothing with that. I’ve gone through more mobile phones than many people I know… and? YES, I have more than one car. Who cares? There are so many things that are on repeat in my mind that it’s almost become routine. For one, I will always - no matter how much I try or what I do - be stigmatized for being an only child. Uno. Solitary. Nagiisa. Whatever. Yet, that does not prevent me from living my life and fighting the stereotype. Like I said to some co-workers this past Friday, I worked my ass off for a lot of the things I have, yet there are things that will come easier for me, because I am an only child.

Enough with that rant though. To sum it up, I can act arrogant and selfish, but don’t let that be your only perception of who I am if you’ve never met me (or if you have) because as with anyone, everybody has multiple facets to their personality, and I just so happened to come off more conceited and self-centered than many are comfortable with. I admit that and I know that for a fact. Oftentimes my biggest enemy is myself; My mind likes to throw things at me that cause insecurity and thus has me reeling from the mental and emotional pain I cause myself.

A lot of my current battles are struggles with image and intellect. “If you don’t do it Marc, someone else will” is what I always tell myself every time I’m on the verge of failure (giving up). My co-worker Mary told me that you should never compare yourself to anyone else, because it’s not going to get you anywhere; Everyone has their own sets of strengths and weaknesses but everyone is also equally prone to themselves. That is why I’m only working against myself now. Before, I tried too hard and looked to others as I set my own goals, which to a point is not bad, but when it comes down to it, I never looked at myself to see where I was heading.

To be honest with you, I think I’m more vulnerable now then I was maybe two or three years ago, but I’ve developed a belief and confidence in myself now that it is that much more secure; I can actually walk down a busy downtown sidewalk on my way to work now without worrying what those people around me think. Seriously, I had major image issues. Maybe it is an only child thing.

Now I’m off to do a mini workout session before getting down with some Theme Park on the DS lite.


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