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Blind to the gemstone alone


bauhaus
Age. 28
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. Asian
Location ,
School. Other
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August 2018

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Friday. 10.5.12 12:32 am
In some ways, I wanna thank the people in my life who told me I was fat. I'm motivated to lose weight for good and keep it off. I know I said before that I liked being this way. I did. But now I'm starting to see that living this way will not benefit me in the long run. Weighing too much isn't healthy. 1) Too much weight is not good for my ankles and small feet. 2) Difficult to fit into nice pants. When I gain weight, my pants get too tight. 3) Losing weight + exercising will make me stronger.

So I'm going to lose weight + exercise everyday. This was never in my mind, but I don't feel comfortable being fat anymore. My life would be different if I could accomplish this goal. I wanna change.

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**Sigh**
Thursday. 9.27.12 11:29 pm
Sometimes I feel depressed with life. Lately, I've realized that I barely have control of anything. Work plays a big part. I studied Culinary Arts so I am confident I know what are the best methods, but many folks don't believe/support my ideas. One example: grilled and marinaded meat is required in Mexican food. They want me to stir fry my crap with salt and pepper. The flavor is totally different. I've never seen any Mexican restaurant stir fry. Second of all, it's been raining everyday. I feel lonely. My two co-workers understood me well, but I still can't trust them completely. I'm still not used to the setting and the people here.

I gotta be honest and say I'm kind of sad again. The resort is closed. I feel bored and unmotivated. I found a solution though. If the weather wants to be gloomy, then I want to be gloomy by listening to goth music again. I think I feel anxiety. I didn't have to diet now. I don't have an appetite for food at least 5 days now. Anyways, that's it for tonight. I'm leaving now. I dread waking up tomorrow.

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Flaws
Friday. 9.8.12 1:25 am
I learned to appreciate my flaws after so many years. I've always been a self-conscious person growing up, but I finally got over all of it. I didn't really like many things about myself because friends and acquaintances liked to comment about it. For example, people used to tease me. They said my legs, thighs and butt are big. They said I had big lips. I never liked being this way. I was a bit of a chubby kid, but not fat yet. I tried to cover it up my whole life. Then there comes a time in your life when you want to stop hiding. I stopped wearing baggy clothes. I wore clothes that actually fit me now. Somehow all of this became a good thing. My co-workers like to squeeze my arms and say, "Wow, you're very firm and healthy." I had wanted to be skinny and lost 30 pounds in a short amount of time. It wasn't me. I had to be me.

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Living my life on this island
Tuesday. 5.8.12 9:20 pm
I no longer live in the states. Yup. I'm out of San Francisco and Salt Lake City for good. Well, at least that's my mindset. Before, it was about school, internship and the stress I had to put up with. Now, I'm living in Phuket, Thailand like how I have imagined many years ago. It's not as bad as I used to picture it. The weather's nice, the setting is so serene in Karon. I liked many things here. The trees, animals, nature, etc.. There are many Bob Marley merchandise on sale everywhere. Pajamas, shirts, pants, small shoulder bag, flash drive cover, bandanas, etc.. Bob Marley's music is very preferred here. I could see why because his music is caribbean style. I liked that part. Sometimes I do miss San Francisco. I could talk to anybody including strangers and they will listen. But here, people have different focus in life totally different from mines. I guess I do think about San Francisco almost everyday. Well, that's all for now. I'll come back to write down more of my thoughts some other day.

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Comic-Con & Obsessed with Movies
Tuesday. 7.26.11 1:17 am
I gotta be honest and say that every time comic-con happens, I always feel bummed out. I always wanted to go but never have enough money to travel, buy tickets, rent a hotel room, etc.. Even if I was ready, I needed a buddy/friend who is as obsessed to go with me. It's just something I can't grow out of. It's been me forever. It sounds so childish, but if I never go, I'll never get over it. I just need to experience this type of thing at least once and decide later if I'll go every year or not. I went to WonderCon a year ago, but still that wasn't enough. It was so short, I can barely remember what went on except that one negative thing I can't seem to forget. Being late to meet the cast of A Nightmare On Elm Street. I can't seem to get over that. As long as I can remember, I've been an obsessed freak over movies, cartoons, music, etc..

My sis majors in television, news, etc.. She explains to me that it's a way they make money. I know all of this. When people wear the movie's merchandise, they're a walking advertisement. That doesn't concern me because I like what I like. It doesn't matter. Comic-Con is basically a place for people to sell their thing. I always knew this, and yet, I don't care. I want to experience a fun road trip. 4 days is not long, not short, just perfect. If I did went for 4 days, I would not leave until the day is up. For me, a vacation is a real vacation. You should allow yourself to go crazy and do something different from your usual and ordinary day. An ordinary day would be go to work, come back home, eat, rest and sleep. I won't even rest on my vacation days. This is what's fun about it. When the days are up, you'll be sleeping in, waking up from an exhausting week. I've done something like this before. Did something fun, got extremely tired and wake up from an exhausting day with my head all sore, thinking about all the fun things you did. When you go back to work, you don't feel tired. Like this one time, I went to the Star Trek screening with my sister. We waited 5-6 hours to get into the IMAX theatre. The wait was exhausting because we both woke up really early that day for school. When we got in, I almost fell asleep many times, but still awake watching the film. I went home, exhausted, went to sleep, and didn't wake up for school the next day. I SKIPPED school. It was so fun. The next day, I went to school. People asked me where I went. I said, "I watched a long movie last night at a screening and couldn't wake up the next day." It was fun. Missed one day of school. I passed that class. Everything turned out well.

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I am born in the wrong ERA
Wednesday. 3.9.11 6:30 pm
This guy at my internship said I traveled back in time. He was surprised to know that I knew so much about 80's/gothic music. I'm 20 years old, but I was supposed to be born in an earlier era. People make fun of the way I dress. They said I dress too conservative. My interest in movies and music also. I like some of today's stuff, but my favorites will always be stuff from the earlier times. I'm obsessed with Medieval/Renaissance. I love looking at rural places. I like movies like The Secret of Kells. It's just everything I do tends to be outdated. No one wears my style. I don't know where I got the idea for some of the things I do. It just happens naturally.

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Currently
[Mood] The current mood of bauhaus at www.imood.com
[surfing] nutang
[listening to] Sopor Aeternus & the Ensembles of Shadows
Current Lyrics
Equal Ways

So the circle cannot fade
It turns in endless ways
It turns its endless days

So this window offers views
Of endless loves and fears
Of endless moves and stance

We turn in rest and dance
Scoff at our arises and falls
I won't stop wonder
I will never stop wonder

They walk in flowers
They walk in shorts
They win the nothings
They win awards

It makes no essence to me
I walk the flowers
I win the nothings
So this circle cannot fail

It turns its endless ways
It turns its endless days

Scare the dower
Rises and falls
I won't stop wonder
I won't ever stop wander

Scare the dower
Rises and falls
I won't stop wonder
I won't ever stop wander

We turn in equal days
So let's live in equal ways
We turn in equal ways
So let's live in equal days

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"I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day." ~Vincent Van Gogh

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