"I HAVE A JOB!!!"
Tuesday. 1.28.14 6:15 pm
I hate drama. x.x I have a feeling I'm going to be dealing with a lot of it in the upcoming minutes of my life.
On a happier note, I found $10 in my jacket pocket today. Awesome.
My dad and I sighed KB up for softball a couple of days ago. The fields are moments down the road, which is convenient. She has a new bat and mitt and is excited about her new hobby. Although, she is telling everyone she has a new job (:D too cute).
I'm not sure what the point of this entry is... I guess I'm just trying to kill time until Tyler gets here. Then the drama can begin.
Wish me luck...
I hope you never read this
Tuesday. 1.14.14 9:24 am
My dad is sleeping on the couch as a creep out the front door. It's a cold night, for once. I head over to the front on my car and sit on the hood. I involuntarily shiver from the cold metal as I sit. It's even colder than the air and wet from the rain storm that just passed. I hold the cigarette I have in my hand to my mouth while simultaneously pulling my lighter out of my pocket. I light up my cigarette and draw in a deep breath. I lift my head to the sky and breathe out the smoke. I gaze at the moon and the stars for several moments. I think of how great things are in my life. Despite all of the stress with my divorce and the pressure of getting back into school and doing the right thing for me family, there are good things I do my best to focus on. My kids are beautiful and healthy, I have my friend and he treats my kids as if they were his own flesh and blood. The little ones have really taken a liking to him and I love watching them play pirates or karate. However, my mother has turned her mind games up a few notches and planted little bombs in my mind.
Nothing she's said has really bothered me until yesterday. Those little bombs in my head have exploded, sending an unsettling feeling seeping through my veins. Toxic thoughts are overflowing my mind causing me to fill with doubt. The worst part about this stupid depression spell is I have been allowing myself to spiral down. I know a lot of these spells are all in my head and I can usually catch myself and snap out of it. But, with this one, I let myself fall for a while. I've been able to ease myself of most of these negative thoughts with the reality of this particular situation. I don't understand my Mother... It's almost like she doesn't want to see me happy. I wish she was the fun spirited, happy-go-lucky person she turns into around friends and family all the time. I wish she understood that I pick up on how she's feeling when she says things. That I know the motive behind her words. She always brags that she is so hard to read because of her shields and her ability to cause a whirlwind effect of emotion the makes it hard to figure her out. With me, that's not the case. I can see right through her. I'm working on trying to shield myself. The one person I've met that has similar abilities to mine told me I would learn on my own to shield myself. Another person, whose abilities outshine mine by a long shot, told me to build walls. This process requires a lot of energy and is exhausting. I wish I could just put myself in a bubble of protection from my mother.
My friend is hard to read. The connection I feel is mandatory. I know he is going to have some significant importance in my life but, I don't know what it is. The feelings I have for him also feel one sided. I don't feel anything from him at all. He has been through a lot in his young life. I wonder if he chooses not to feel emotion, like my father. Everything is black and white, logical, emotion is not an option. Although, I do feel the occasional sparks of love and happiness when he is with my kids. He adores them so much. It makes me happy to see a stable male figure come into their lives and they accept him. So, why the doubt in my head. I feel like something is missing. Is it the lack of emotion I feel from him? What if it's my fault? I felt myself open up completely to him and take it all in. The worry free happiness of a relationship that I've never experienced with anyone. As my mind wonders and I begin to fill with doubt I can feel my heart hardening. Cutting off anything that could potentially hurt me. But, Things are great! What am I doing?? Why am I letting myself do this? Why am I so fucking complicated?? With everything lined up for him and how he has put my kids and I into his future plans should be enough to know he is happy with us and wants us in his life. I've never wanted to run from a connection like I do right now... Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Tuesday. 12.31.13 9:15 am
I've been sleeping significantly better recently then I have in a few years now. It's quite lovely. However, my slumber is once again haunted by vivid dreams. The kind of dreams that collide into one enormous dream that seem to last a lifetime. I will wake up from my first vivid dream thinking to myself "Wow, what a horrible dream." only to soon realize I'm still dreaming. From my friend parting ways with me to severe car accidents that land my children in the hospital... it was a crazy night inside my mind.
It is the last day of 2013. Unfortunately, I have to work. I get off at 10:30 which barely gives me enough time to get anywhere to celebrate the new year ahead. I'm not sure what I'm going to do tonight. Tyler has the kids and I'm free for the next couple of nights. I could celebrate surrounded by friends, with drink in hand, toasting to good fortunes for the new year. I could spend it snuggled up with my friend talking about what the new year could have in store for us. I'd prefer one option in particular but, it depends on what he wants to. Regardless of what happens, I'm sure it will be good times.
Happy New Year Everyone! :)
It's been a while
Saturday. 11.30.13 10:52 am
I haven't written anything in a while. I've been busy with work and life and such. Things have been great! I've noticed I type more entries when my life is getting a little chaotic and It makes me seem life doom and gloom all the time. So, for once, I'll whip up an entry about how great things are. :)
My daughter turned 4 this passed Sunday. It's amazing how big she's getting. She's says the most random things. Last night, she told me her farts smelled like mints. Anyway, the kids are great. My son's behavior has improved tremendously. He's not as whiney all the time and is listening to my family and I much better. On the other hand, my daughter seems to be getting adventurous and seeing how far she can stretch her boundaries. I know it comes with the age. Overall, they are amazing and adorable.
Death by Wasp
Friday. 11.1.13 1:53 pm
It was a beautiful day. The cool fall breeze was passing through the two functioning windows in my car (one of those being the sunroof). I was heading to work without a care. Listening to good tunes and singing along. I stopped at a red light that seemed to be taking forever. I didn't care, though. I had plenty of time to get to work. Suddenly, I saw something dark pass by the side of my head. I looked over to see one of the biggest black wasps I had ever seen my life. It casually flew through the sunroof and into my car. I could feel my face twist from the horror that overcame me. The creature landed on my passenger side door and slowly crawled around as if it was searching for a new place to live. NOT IN MY CAR! The light is still red. On the outside I didn't move a muscle. On the inside, I was hysterical. "I'll just calmly open the door and see if I can get it to fly out.. yeah! That'll work!" I thought to myself. As I reached for my drivers side door, it lifted off and slowly flew to my side of the car. It landed right on the handle of my door and I lost it. I was like a horror movie. The B-rated kind of horror movie when you're yelling at the T.V. to the stupid blonde girl to get out of the room because the killer is going to get her. However, she can't remember the simply function of a door knob to escape and just falls to the floor screaming. BOOM! She's dead. That was me in my car. I was the stupid blonde girl. I couldn't remember how to unbuckle my seat belt or how to unlock my door to escape. I straight up panicked.
It flies off of my door towards me as if to land and a bitched slapped it like my life depended on it. Realizing it's life was in danger, it shot out through the sunroof. At first I thought it was still in my car, violently flying around wanting to attack me. The light turns green. "Now I have to start driving?!?!?" I was sure that I was going to crash and die. My life was over. My hands were shaking so bad I could barely hold on to the steering wheel. Through the chaos, I managed to turn into a parking lot and thoroughly search my car for the beast. Nothing.. It was gone.
And so I live another day...
Sunday. 10.20.13 9:01 pm
Finally chopped all my hair off. It was half way down my back and started to look unhealthy and frizzy... it was bad. Now that it isn't so hot and the cool fall breeze is creeping it's way into Florida it's easier to straighten and style my hair.
Things in life are awesome :) I just acquired a toddle bed for my son. My daughter will be 4 next month. It's crazy how fast they are growing up.
I got my Disney cast member "Holiday" package in the mail! Tons of coupons and an additional entry pass. A 50% off meal ticket? YES!!! Free drinks and popcorn? AWESOME!!
I am so ready for the holidays. Bring on the stuffing! Lots and lots of stuffing!! :D
The Day After that One Day After One of those Days...
Tuesday. 9.10.13 9:09 am
Long story short.. I met up with some friends at DTD and we let our kids play. When I get to my car... no keys. After countless phone calls and talking to brain dead Cast Members.. still no keys. My dad brought me the spare and the kids and I made it home. The End.
I know in my last entry I stated I was happy being single. I still am. However, That one friend of mine that went out of town for the summer is back. :) We're going on a date tonight. Nothings official but, we are talking.
I'm excited for tonight :)
Getting it together
Tuesday. 8.20.13 8:31 am
I received my new license and credit card in the mail yesterday. Along with the new maingate cards for work... It's a nightmare. Normally, we have our maingate to sign people into the parks. Whoever is with you gets a little paper ticket for the day and everyone is merry. Now, I have my maingate and 3 individual hard cards for my "guests" to use. I have to carry 4 cards around... One top of that, Disney thinks these PLASTIC cards are worth $50.00. In other words, if ya lose them, they are $50 a piece to replace. Thanks Disney.. and you suck.
However, I work 5 days this week. hooray for money!! I really need money x.x
I officially have me new Galaxy 3 Android. XD!!!!! It's not the newest version on the market but, it still flippin' rocks! It takes great pictures and the screen is so clear. :D I love it :)
10:15am .::In Addition::.
I saw an old friend yesterday. I haven't seen him in years and it was great to catch up for a few minutes. He informed me of something that I always suspected but, didn't know for sure. He told me about a month after Tyler was kicked out of the military they met up for lunch to catch up. Apparently, Tyler told him of a second ex girlfriend he was messing around with. This is a couple months after I found out about the first ex, while we were still married and, right after our son was born. I'm over everything. I'm glad I decided to leave him. However, for some reason getting the confirmation about another girl is like a knife in my heart. I've realized he didn't give a shit or love me at all. How could a human being be so careless? How could he look me in the face and tell me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me while he was fooling around with other women. I'm not to fond of him as it is. Now, I know how much of a piece of shit he really is. The only thing that's keeping me from regretting everything is my beautiful son. It was the only good thing about our marriage.
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