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Q&A: Why Is The World Suffering from International Crises?
Saturday. 4.14.07 7:50 pm
Disclaimer: Severe sarcasm follows.

Q: Why Is The World Suffering from International Crises?

A: Because we have failed to grant Tom Clancy his rightful position as President of the Universe.

For those of you unfamiliar with Tom Clancy, he is a semi-famous author of several military/espionage thriller novels. In fact, if you've ever watched the movies The Hunt for Red October (starring Sean Connery), The Sum of All Fears (starring Ben Afflek), or Clear and Present Danger (starring Harrison Ford), then you have already born witness to film-adaptations of his greatness.

And yet, these movies have often failed to communicate the true message behind Tom Clancy's novels. So, for your reading pleasure, here are summaries of some of the underlying plots of Tom Clancy's novels. I can't imagine why, but some say that he is a bit biased towards conservatism. Either way, you may decide for yourself.

The Sum of All Fears: If Israel would surrender control of Jerusalem to the Catholics, the entire middle-east crisis would die down. Once the Vatican replaces the foolish Jewish soldiers with good ole' god-fearing Swedish Aryan soldiers, the Jews and Arabs will drop their grudges and begin to frolik and laugh in the streets of the holy city (yes, that actually happens in the book).

Rainbow Six: Did you think that the recent increase in international terrorism was being caused by religious extremists? Think again! The teachings of Tom Clancy explain a diabolical scheme hatched by the environmentalists and genetic researchers of the world to incite worlwide chaos by sponsoring 4/5 of all terrorist acts. This chaos then sets the stage for the release of their genetically-engineered supervirus, designed to wipe the human race off the face of the planet (so as to prevent it from bringing further harm to the environment).

Clear and Present Danger: America's youth are being plagued by drug abuse! Invade Columbia! Send in commandos to covertly (and ilegally) assassinate any suspected drug lords in the country. This will raise the street price of the drugs at home in the United States.

Debt of Honor: We should have never trusted those dishonest Asians! Just when we were getting friendly, Japan develops nuclear weapons and then turns around and invades our holdings in the Pacific Islands! They disable our fleet and sink our submarines during joint naval exercises, passing it off as an accident. It takes all of our American ingenuity to recover from this horrible act of betrayal and regain our rightful territory. But damn, how could we have been so foolish?

If only Tom Clancy were President of the World... there would probably be no war. Well, none except for the awesome and patriotic kind anyway.

Thank you, that is all.

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To Those Who Love to Travel in Gasoline-Powered Style
Sunday. 3.18.07 5:27 pm
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. As some of you may have noticed, I have been absent from this blog for the past couple of weeks. Sadly, the world seems to be suffering from a severe lack of ironic/absurd events, and as such I have found few good targets upon which I could release my pent up supply of inner cynicism.

Today, however, I would like to turn your attention to a few of the smaller absurdities which lacked sufficient mockery-potential, but nonetheless deserve an honorable mention here.

To start, I would like to direct you all to the latest news coming out of Cuba. As we all know, the world has turned an apprehensive eye on the small island nation ever since it was announced that Fidel Castro, a beloved leader and internationally-lauded advocate of peace and freedom, had fallen ill. To quell this growing sense of worldwide unease, a spokesman for the Cuban government went public on Thursday to assure us all that Castro would be in "Perfect shape" to run in the next election. And, as we all know, with free democratic elections as common as they are in authoritarian communist dictatorships such as Cuba, this can only mean that Castro has nearly recovered from the dangerous invasive surgery performed on him in late 2006. We may all now breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Moving on in world news, we now turn our attention to Russia, where a startling new advancement has been made in the realm of science and technology. Years ago, in the early days of the Cold War, the Soviet Union left the United States in its academic dust when it launched Sputnik (the first man-made satellite to be launched into space) and touched off the series of events which we recall today as the space-race. In a similar turn of events, Russian scientist "Roman Kunikov" has now announced his successful development of gasoline-powered shoes. With this innovative invention, Russia has once again raised the bar on the human limits of laziness.

Kunikov's 1kg shoes are capable of allowing humans to travel at speeds higher than the fastest of Olympic sprinters for approximately 25 minutes, and do it in style. Just as man once dreamed of reaching the stars, so have we desired the ability to strap internal-combustion engines to our feet and proudly strut our stuff down crowded streets while striking down startled pedestrians under the ungainly masses of metal that used to be our old pair of nikes. And now, thanks largely to the ingenuity of our fellow scientists to the east, both dreams have become reality.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's to a year full of newsworthy absurdities!

Thank you, that is all.

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The War Against Generic Enemies: Disheartening News from the Front
Friday. 3.2.07 6:47 pm
It has recently been brought to my attention that Jack Bauer has decided to renounce his position as unofficial spokesman for American freedom and democracy, and instead pursue his lifelong dream of aiding terrorists and emboldening our enemies.

Kiefer Sutherland, who plays Jack Bauer on the hit TV docudrama series "24", was recently asked by our prestigious West Point military academy to deliver a speech to our brave and honorable U.S. army cadets. The message? Torture is bad.

And then, in a move that sent devastating shock waves throughout the patriotic community, Mr. Sutherland considered it.

This news comes as a severe disappointment to all good Americans, who have lauded Mr. Sutherland for his formerly beneficial role in educating the public with inspirationally pro-torture messages. His television series, "24", has served as a glorious how-to guide for those citizens who are unfortunate enough to suffer from patriotism-deficiency (a condition which has become increasingly prevalent in the liberal/socialist hotbed of our great nation's east coast).

He was a man who taught by example, airing scenes of his character (Jack Bauer) performing such noble acts as shooting the innocent wife of a potentially guilty man, in an attempt to extract information from him. Not to mention the torture of his brother using quantities of pain-inducement medication capable of inducing cardiac arrest. And who could forget that time he kidnapped the president of the United States and brought him in for "questioning"?

And yet, Mr. Sutherland now seems to be contemplating the possibility of undoing all the good that he has done. If he were to publicly state that, despite the actions of the television character he plays, he does not in fact support the idea of torture... suffice to say, the effects of such a betrayal could be catastrophic.

Of course, there is still the possibility that Mr. Sutherland will turn down the West Point invitation. However, his failure to follow normal patriotic-response protocol (which would call for him to denounce the dean of West Point as a communist spy within 48 hours of receiving the invitation) has left most patriots with little hope.

Thank you, that is all.

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To All of the Forrest Gump Fans Out There...
Tuesday. 2.27.07 12:51 am
For today's QuoteOfDarkSunglasses, I thought that I would provide you all with an uplifting motivational quote from the movie Forrest Gump. But I know that not everyone on nuTang is the same, and there is no one quote that will be able to motivate everyone here. Thus, I am distributing different quotes based on your personality type.

If you are a happy person who loves cute little metaphors, please refer to section A. If you are a dark, mysterious type of person, who holds a sever distaste for life and happiness, please refer to section B. Thank you.

Section A
"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
-Forrest Gump

Section B
"Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a Peanut Butter Cup or an English Toffee. But they're gone too fast and the taste is... fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you got left is an empty box... filled with useless brown paper wrappers."
- The Cigarette Smoking Man (The X-Files)

Truly inspiring.

Thank you, that is all.

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Wednesday. 2.21.07 12:23 am
Do you want to be RICH NOW?

A short film I came across during my usual nomadic wanderings across the web:

120 Seconds to Get Elected

I'm not quite sure why the producers only decided to use this speech for a short film... as far as I can see, they have some excellent material for a perfectly viable American Presidential campaign.

Thank you, that is all.

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Not Having Much Luck With the Ladies/Men? Get a 2nd Sex Life!
Monday. 2.12.07 4:57 pm
One of the many computer games that I like to play is "Second Life", a massively-multiplayer online game. Basically, the idea behind it is that you can do anything you want in the SL world. You can make your own clothes, build your own house, construct your own car, run your own business, and just about anything else that you can think of. If you're good at it, you can sell what you make and use the money to buy things from other players, or trade in the game credits for real money. Or, if you're not good at it, you can spend your own real money to buy in-game credits.

What a glorious concept! A whole new level of human communication and experience, achieved through the wonders of the world-wide-web! Just imagine all of the possibilities offered by such an interactive world!

Indeed, people have thrown the full force of their imaginations into it, and come up with some very interesting creations and venues. For example, people have created genitalia-shapes to attach to their waists in-game. Oh, and beds that animate two players in sexual positions and motions. And stripclubs! Lots and lots of stripclubs.

In fact, the strip club, gambling and escort service markets probably make up the majority of the SL economy. When I looked for a job in-game, it was almost impossible to find any non-sexual paid positions among the multitude of "HOT GIRLS NEEDED NOW!" and "BIG BOOBS CASINO IS NOW HIRING ESCORTS DANCERS AND OTHER GENERIC DEMEANING POSITIONS" advertisements. Of course, my male gender didn't help much, because the truth is that most of people who attend these clubs (and probably a few of the women who dance in them) are actually guys.

Yeah, humanity took the unlimited potential of this new frontier and basically... well, we basically screwed it... in the most literal sense of the word. It kind of makes you wonder what the world would be like if people really had that kind of creative power in real life.

Anyway, lecherous perversions aside, I elected not to run my game character through an amateur sex change, although those $5/hour stripper jobs (plus tips!) were certainly tempting. Instead, I opened up a sunglasses store (no, I'm not joking). And surprisingly, despite their complete lack of sexual usefulness, the shades actually seem to be selling pretty well.

Perhaps there's hope for humanity after all.

Thank you, that is all.

PS: If you want to join Second Life, its free here (and yeah, I'll get a few points as you're referrer). I'm "Kadre North" in game, drop me a line and I'll help you get started.

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