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Memores acti prudentes futuri


No shadows will replace the warmth of your contact
love is dead in Metropolis
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
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Inscribing Ardi
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The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
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Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
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P.I. Jane
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The Property of Hate
Red Meat
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Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
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Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
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Subnormality
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Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
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The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
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Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
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Minimalism Sucks
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Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
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Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
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SubCulture
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Thermohalia
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Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
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Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
More positive things
Saturday, July 2, 2016
I felt off today, but this made me laugh, at least for a moment:

Me: It's hard to pinpoint quite how I feel right now, but it's maybe a touch melancholic?
J: do you know what you feel melancholic over? :\
Me: Not really. I kind of just want to lie down and do nothing. :|
Me: But I'm on the rebounder because maybe exercise will help?
J: but just in case
J: *gets scented candles*
J: *dims lights*
J: *turns your music up*
J: WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO THROW WET TOWEL ON YOUR FACE OR NO?
J: WILL WET TOWEL HELP
J: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THESE THINGS BUT I FEEL LIKE WET TOWEL MAYBE HELPS
Me: Hahaha
J: DO YOU NEED CUCUMBER EYEBALLS
J: I CAN GET YOU CUCUMBER EYEBALLS IF YOU WANT
J: xD
J: oh man i wish there was a place that rented out baby bunnies
J: so i could like
J: unleash a hoard in a room with a sad person in it
J: and then take them back when done

I forgot I was supposed to be writing something every day for writing group. Whoops. I started today, so I'll have about a week's worth of stuff by the time the meeting rolls around, if everything goes according to plan. The prompt was to write something for at least three days though, so... this is still meeting the goal.

The other night, before the thing with my brother happened, I was feeling nice... We'd gotten a big watermelon for cheap from the grocery store, and when we got home, my uncle cut up most of it and juiced it. He freezes the juice in Ziploc bags, then blends them later to make watermelon smoothies. While he was cutting it, I was hanging out there in the kitchen and chatting with him, and eating the bits of melon left on the rinds. I like the white part of the rind, because it's crisp and isn't overly sweet. It tastes kind of like cucumber. My dad says that when I was a toddler I would eat the rind down to the green part. After my uncle had finished cutting the watermelon into medium sized chunks, he filled the pitcher of the Vitamix with them and blended them into juice, and I held open a bag for him to pour it into. There was something very simple and comforting about preparing the watermelon. It felt like such a small thing, but it was the kind of unremarkable activity that I often daydream about. Just a gentle, every day kind of activity shared with good company. It's something I want to remember.

Good things for today:
-There was leftover spinach and garlic pizza from my favorite pizza place, so I ate that for dinner. It was cold, but it still tasted good.
-I have a big bug bit on my leg, and it's super itchy, but my uncle has this can of stuff called Biofreeze that's supposed to be for pain relief, but works for itching too. It's essentially a menthol spray, but it feels really nice.
-The speaker system for the middle floor TV is fairly good quality, and I spent a few hours listening to Jens Lekman on the Soundcloud add-on for Kodi on the TV. It sounded a lot better than it does through my mom's laptop or my tablet.

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TLJEGL:GJ:ATWIHAFNKS
Friday, July 1, 2016
Okay so I was typing up this whole entry and I accidentally refreshed the page and lost it and I don't want to write it again, I just want to bang my head against the wall.

I WAS gonna talk about being sleepy this morning and thinking pears were funny and how I went out to dinner last night and bet my cousin Ryan he wouldn't eat his whole meal (garnish included) for $2 and he did anyway, so I paid him in change. NO DETAILS BECAUSE THE PAGE REFRESHED. >:C

Today I slept in (although I woke up a number of times) until 2 PM...

My brother is telling me about how insulted he is that only girls who "eat their boogers" like him. "Do you know how insulted I am that they think I'm in the same league as them?"

---Four hours later---

We had a very heated debate (I keep wanting to call it a discussion, but he was clearly in it to win it) about a variety of things, including his... dislike of what he considers feminism's goals to be. I don't want to go into detail about it, but it was a stressful conversation to have, and he was super aggressive and was just... in fighting mode the entire time. I was just trying to type up a blog entry and he came and started ranting to me about stuff and then it turned into this big thing. T_T My uncle came and talked to us both about things at some point, which was such a relief to me. He's gone to bed now, but I think I'm going to privately thank him in the morning. I was frustrated to the point of crying, which tends to happen when I get stuck in an aggressive debate with someone (as is the case with my brother...). >.> After my uncle stepped in though, things calmed down a lot, and my brother was much quieter. I'm not sure how much he absorbed of what my uncle said, but I felt better, at least...

It's almost 4:30 AM now and I'm super tired, but I really just wanted to finish this entry before my mom comes and takes her laptop back in the morning. T_T

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Fancy chocolates
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Not too much happened today, but we visited Padovani's Chocolates in the Dole Cannery. It's a pretty upscale chocolaterie, although it's not super fancy looking inside. I think they focus more on the ingredients than the decor. The owner talked to my mom and me a lot about his process and the ingredients he uses, and he also showed us some of his custom-made magnetic gift boxes for the chocolate. There were some really pretty tiered ones that spread out into separate layers when you open the box, and... I didn't get a picture of them, whoops, haha.

The owner looked at me when he was showing us the boxes and said, "Tell your boyfriend, 'get me this one', and if he doesn't, you say "you're sleeping in the doghouse tonight!'" I laughed, but it was weird to think about actually doing it. I don't care enough to get upset over things like that, and I don't really understand the kind of relationship dynamic you'd need to have in order to be able to get away with something like that, anyway. It just seems so alien. o_o

I got a chocolate mousse from there though, and it was super yummy. *__* I can't decide how it compares to the pot de creme I love so much from Dolce Bella, but it was definitely enjoyable.

Today was a good day, and I felt good. ^__^

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Diamond Head [2P]
Monday, June 27, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Mellow music
Sunday, June 26, 2016
I feel really good today. It's a nice, relaxed, mellow happiness.

Skyped with J for like three hours last night, and then a bit more this morning, haha. I don't think I've ever Skyped with anyone so much before.

Have also been listening to this song a lot today:

"Forest (Single 2015)" by ColoreSantos.


I fell asleep listening to Jens Lekman's Postcards playlist last night, and when I woke up, Soundcloud was going through different songs I didn't know, and that was one of them. I haven't listened to that much shoegaze, but I'm really enjoying this song right now. Was just lying in bed earlier, listening to this song and talking to J and blissing out. @[email protected]

"Postcard #3" by Jens Lekman.


Guess I'm just in the mood for laid back music today. I've been chatting with J pretty much all day except for the few hours we were sleeping, and we just finished watching Lilo and Stitch. Ahhhhhh. ^__^

Last night I went for a walk outside. It was pretty much the perfect temperature, not hold or cold at all, just absolutely comfortable. It was quiet, and the moon was bright, but it was hidden behind a thin layer of white clouds, and some darker, heavier clouds were moving closer to it. Right after I got home, just when I got back to my room, it started raining outside. I had good timing. o.o Maybe I'll go for another walk tonight...

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Kuli'ou'ou ridge trail [2P]
Sunday, June 26, 2016
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Sleepy rain thoughts
Friday, June 24, 2016
It's 1 AM right now, and it's raining hard outside. All the windows in my room are open, and I can hear the water coming down and smell that lush scent of wet earth the rain always brings. I wish someone was here to share this with me, but then again, maybe I wouldn't be able to experience it as fully if there was a person taking up some of my focus. I guess that's how it tends to go with these moments of deep appreciation. It's very difficult to share them fully.

Tonight (Thursday) I got to voicechat with J for around an hour and a half. :) Videochat didn't work very well because we both had connections that weren't great. Still, it was fun. Hardly any lag compared to a normal Skype call, too. Ahh, nice things.

---Edit---

I was looking through my pictures on Facebook and realized I had another dream about her last night. Always variations of the same thing-- we reconnect, it's like nothing has changed, like it's only been a day instead of six years. And I tell her I missed her and I'm glad to see her again, but there's no crying or intensely emotional reaction. We just continue as we were, and everything I felt in between just fades away. I wonder how many other dreams I've had about her that I just don't remember now?

---

Matt and his friend invited me to go to the Bon dance tonight, which I've never been to before. I haven't met his friend, either, but we're all going hiking on Kuli'ou'ou tomorrow. Can't remember if I've done that trail before, but I know that they haven't. My ankles are a bit sore from hiking Kokohead yesterday, so I hope they feel better by the time I hike tomorrow... >.>

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Nicer
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Today I went to Iolani Palace with my mom, brother, and two of my cousins. We did the self-guided audio tour, which was sort of interesting. The palace is a reasonably large building, but it actually doesn't have that many rooms or things in it. You wouldn't be able to get lost in it, that's for sure. Hawaii has kind of a sad history as far as its independence goes. The short version of events is that Hawaii used to be a monarchy, but then a bunch of (mostly white) business men got together and overthrew the government, and the queen asked the US to help. President Cleveland was like "Hey guys can you give them back their country?" and the business dudes were like "Haha no" and they set up their own government, and then got the US to annex Hawaii. The US was basically like "Ehhh I don't know this seems kinda wrong... oh well, okay, sure." President Clinton gave a formal apology to Hawaii for all that, but it's not like that accomplished much. I don't know if there's a way to make it right though, now.

We also went to Chinatown and got some fruit there. I split a soursop smoothie with my brother, which was yummy. Almost didn't remember anything bad because of it. Nothing worth more than a tiny grimace though.

After Chinatown we went to the Honolulu of Art. They had wifi there, so I ended up spamming J with pictures of the art, haha... At first I was just gonna send one picture to be like "hey, I'm at an art museum!" but then I just sent him a bunch of different things I thought were interesting. >.> I did have some restraint though, and didn't just... take a picture of every single thing, haha.

It was like... 6:30 PM by the time we got home, and I thought I wasn't going to get to chat with J for very long because he usually connects to the wifi at Starbucks, which closes around 10 or 10:30 PM or something. Turned out he was with family though, so we got to Skype for a couple hours. :) There was horrrrrrrible lag, and tons of connectivity issues, but it was still nice. My face felt weird though, because I was smiling/laughing a lot, and my facial muscles were like... tired? As if my lips didn't want to make those shapes and were protesting. Still, I felt better than yesterday.

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