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[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Kyle: If I was going to be in pain for the rest of my life would you support my suicide
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Me: Well
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Me: I guess if that was what you really wanted
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Me: And we could find a way to do it that would minimize your suffering
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Me: I would be sad though
[10/30/2017 11:13 PM] Kyle: I think I would just OD on heroin.
[10/30/2017 11:13 PM] Me: I suppose that could be a nice way to go
[10/30/2017 11:18 PM] Kyle: Would you disrupt your life to go travel with me for like 6-12 months first
[10/30/2017 11:18 PM] Me: I think so.
[10/30/2017 11:18 PM] Me: If it was the last time I was going to see you then that would be worth putting my life on hold.
[10/30/2017 11:19 PM] Me: Not sure how I would afford it though.
[10/30/2017 11:19 PM] Kyle: I'm gonna kill myself on this scenario, I'll just pay for everything, silly.
[10/30/2017 11:19 PM] Me: Haha

It makes me really sad to think about not having Kyle as an active presence in my life, so I hope this scenario doesn't come to pass.

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Went to the gym twice on Saturday and twice today. Gym is my boyfriend and we're getting serious.

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"I Have Enough Time To Be Disappointed Again" by Nao.

A small dark room with a crowd of people in it, and green and blue lights swirling behind the band on stage. Nobody is saying anything, nobody is dancing. At most, there is minute swaying from some of the members of the audience, and some people close their eyes. If you close your eyes, the room feels bigger, and it feels like you're alone, but you fill the whole space. Weightless, limitless, the expanse of yourself exists only in this moment, while the music plays, while your eyes are closed. There is no time, there is no you; you are inseparable from this feeling, from this moment.

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I don't normally listen to this kind of music, but this song is evoking a sort of calmness in me at the moment. I've been pondering the title for awhile. Don't know who to talk to about it. Lately I have been craving intellectual conversation, but not the type that includes facts and figures and outside knowledge... Those kinds of discussions are okay too, but I feel a bit tired of regurgitating information. I guess what I'm looking for is more personally meaningful. Just want to have someone to talk to about what something brings up for each of us. Memories, feelings, visuals, etc. That would be nice. I keep talking about how I would like to have this, but I don't know where to find it.

I want to make something, but I don't feel inspired. I just feel... sort of calm. Have been trying to increase the amount I go to the gym, which I think might be impacting my mood. Things are more stable now. Not particularly depressed. I have many of the same thoughts as when I'm depressed, but different reactions to them. It's a cheesy analogy, but it feels a little like being Neo and being aware of the code of the Matrix, if the Matrix were... myself, I guess. Except that Neo doesn't repeatedly get plugged back into the Matrix in such a way that it becomes his whole reality again.

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After my workout this morning, I decide to go to Petco to look at the parakeets.

I approach the glass-walled cage and look in, and instantly, I feel nothing but love for all of them.

This feeling is something I miss about having pets. I am never disappointed by my pets because I expect nothing from them but to exist. I feel only love and care and affection for them. It doesn't matter if they love me back.

Things with people are different because what I expect from them is proportional to what I believe they are capable of. I guess the zone of disappointment lies between their potential and what they will realistically do.

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He ends every conversation with "thanks for being" now.

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I heard once that you could only hate someone as much as you loved them. I don't think that's true, but I think you can only hate someone as much as they are important to you. Similarly, you can only love someone as much as they are important to you.

In my personal life, though, I knew when I'd never really loved someone if I couldn't hate them after they were gone.

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