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Memores acti prudentes futuri


She said it was all make believe
but I thought she said maple leaves
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
TICoSME
Musicalities!
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Spaghetti and kofta
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Gym time today: 30 minutes?

I went to the gym just to run a bit on the treadmill. Maybe needed to eat more beforehand, though... I ran 0.75 miles at lvl 2 incline (8:00 minute mile pace), walked half a mile, then ran another 0.75 miles at lvl 1 incline (8:27 minute mile pace). Felt really lame to have to decrease the difficulty, but oh well. I guess I teeeeeechnically ran more than I normally would recently, but I didn't like not being able to do a full mile in one go.

So I saw this cool bus today:


I also made spaghetti and kofta using another recipe from that Hare Krishna site.


It came out okay, but I'm going to adjust the spices if I make it again.

Changes:
-Subbed shredded carrot for half the cabbage
-Added half a teaspoon garlic powder
-Baked the kofta balls instead of deep frying them
-Rolled them in garbanzo bean flour after shaping them, then let them sit in the fridge on a baking sheet for ~40 minutes while I went to the gym, before baking them
-Added pepper medley
-Added a bit of water because the mixture was too dry to stick together at first

Future edits:
-Decrease salt by half
-Decrease hing and garam masala (by half?)
-Try adding basil or oregano (or other Italian spices?)

My parents thought the kofta were a bit overspiced, but I just followed the recipe, so I think that whoever wrote these recipes likes really strongly flavored food... Was easy enough to make, though, and I think it's worth doing again.

---

Earlier today, I was driving in the car, blasting my music, and "Dead Format" by Blanck Mass and "Huggin & Kissin" by Big Black Delta came on in succession and it felt really good. Something about being surrounded by those songs always gives me this feeling of like... deep ecstasy? The effect seems most potent when I'm driving, as if the sound penetrates my skin and fills me with some kind of warm, expansive light.

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AITD
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
I know I posted this song before, but it fits my mood tonight.

"Touch You Gently" by Art Department.

It's not the lyrics at all... just the sound of the music...

Sort of a strange, softly melancholy feeling that makes me want to be alone somewhere. Also a sort of painful tension in my chest. I kind of want to burrow a thousand feet underground and just sleep in the darkness and silence.

I remembered some things today that I didn't want to think about, so maybe that's part of it.

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Nutloaf and shoes
Monday, July 11, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.

I tried a new class called Abs and Assets today. It would have been super easy, but I got really exhausted, very possibly from not having eaten enough in the past few days. >_> I decided to skip Mat Pilates because I was tired and felt like I should eat something. A little bummed that I felt so weak, but hopefully things will be better once I'm eating more consistently.

In the beginning of the class I wanted to laugh, because the music was so mellow and it reminded me of this:

"Numbers" by New Look.


So... today... hmm. I made nutloaf, finally. It came out really good!

I got the recipe from a Hare Krishna site, but modified it to suit my tastes/what we had in the cupboards. I need to write it down in my recipe notebook, but the edits I made are as follows:
-Used cashews in place of walnuts (my brother is allergic)
-Swapped green pepper with shredded carrots
-Used sharp cheddar instead of Monterey jack
-Added ~1/2 Tbsp garlic powder
-Substituted rosemary for sage (we didn't have any sage)
-Used slightly less salt than the recipe called for (but still could have used less; it wasn't overpowering though)
-Skipped hing (didn't have any, but maybe next time I'll get some)
-Used peppercorn medley instead of just black pepper
-Used Trader Joe's Arrabiata sauce instead of making tomato sauce

(Mostly) unmixed ingredients in the bowl.


Finished product!


I noticed that when I took my first serving, it didn't really hold together, but it seemed to retain its shape better later when it had cooled more, so maybe letting it sit for 20-30 minutes would be better? Doesn't really matter as far as taste is concerned, though. My parents both liked it, so I might make it again at some point. It was super easy to make, just took awhile to bake (about an hour).

Yesterday when we went grocery shopping, there was this cart full of water bottles in Smart & Final. It looked like an art installation.


Oh, and a nice surprise for today: I found out Simple is back! They even have the shoes I used to wear in high school! Although not everything is the same... No recycled tire soles on these new ones. Still, it's cool that they're back, and maybe they'll bring back some of the old styles I loved. The Simple messenger bag I bought in high school is still intact (though badly frayed), and that was... over seven years ago, now. Six years of almost daily use, too! I'd love it if they brought the bags back... They had some really great ones. Although, I mean, I already bought a new school bag from Timbuk2, so I don't need to buy another one (my old Simple bag is usable, but I wanted something more waterproof). Ah well.

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Sun and Hawaii pictures [2P]
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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---
Sunday, July 10, 2016
"Suckers" by Black Sheep.

Sure getting tired of running around
Everyone's married or six feet in the ground
And you love it, you won't leave it
Yeah you love it, but hey, I just take what I can

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Back in la Californie
Friday, July 8, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.

I've been feeling a bit more normal since I got home from Hawaii. I wanted to go to a gym class today at 12, but I ended up sleeping in instead. My sleep schedule got really messed up when I was away, and I keep staying up super late.

I did go to the gym later, though. Ran a mile (8:00 mile pace, lvl 2 incline) and walked a mile. Running didn't feel good. I wasn't working out regularly while I was on vacation (it feels weird to say that... the whole year since I graduated has felt like a vacation, even though I've been working and stuff), and I feel kind of out of shape now. :S My chest hurt towards the end of the mile... I did notice that I never got that kind of chest pain in Hawaii, so I wonder if it has to do with the humidity? Breathing dry air seems to be hard on my system. Aside from the treadmill, I did some squats/burpees/bridges/planks on the Bosu ball, and also some bicycles and a couple upper body exercises with free weights. I didn't really have any plan for my workout, so I kinda just did exercises as I remembered them.

J and I Skyped for nine hours again the other night. The call was interrupted a few times, but at least one of the blocks was around five hours long. He was falling asleep during parts of it because it was so late... It was really nice though. I feel like I keep repeating myself by saying that, but it's how I feel. Even when we're not talking about anything in particular, it's kind of comforting and calming to Skype. It made me feel more normal when I was feeling off in Hawaii.

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It had to be the night everyone was gone
Monday, July 4, 2016
So my family left for 4th of July. I didn't go with them to see fireworks because I was tired.

The high humidity tonight brought a bunch of huge cockroaches into the house. I've killed three of them so far, but there are at least three more. T_T Just in this room, too. I haven't checked the rest of the house...

J was keeping me company for a little while.

Me: I have goosebumps from fear right now T_T
J: You've received a package from J1991!
J: Press [OK] to recieve "Potion of Courage."
Me: T_T
Me: I don't know how many there are
Me: This is just making me think about my dad's story about how a roach flew into his fly
J: hahahahaha
J: well, not to breed fear or anything, but in my experience, there are always 5-10 more than you think
Me: T_________T
Me: JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ saaaaaaaave meeeeeeeeeeee
J: i wish i could T-T

My family came home and started getting more of the roaches. There were some so big that they scared my dad, which just made me more afraid, and I ended up crying from fear.

---

In less panicky news, I Skyped with J for uhhh... close to nine hours yesterday. .__. We started around 6:30 PM my time and ended around 3:30 AM. I was feeling sad earlier in the day, but I felt a lot better during/after the videochat. The call dropped a few times, but I think it's the longest I've ever Skyped with someone... It didn't feel like that long, though.

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More positive things
Saturday, July 2, 2016
I felt off today, but this made me laugh, at least for a moment:

Me: It's hard to pinpoint quite how I feel right now, but it's maybe a touch melancholic?
J: do you know what you feel melancholic over? :\
Me: Not really. I kind of just want to lie down and do nothing. :|
Me: But I'm on the rebounder because maybe exercise will help?
J: but just in case
J: *gets scented candles*
J: *dims lights*
J: *turns your music up*
J: WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO THROW WET TOWEL ON YOUR FACE OR NO?
J: WILL WET TOWEL HELP
J: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THESE THINGS BUT I FEEL LIKE WET TOWEL MAYBE HELPS
Me: Hahaha
J: DO YOU NEED CUCUMBER EYEBALLS
J: I CAN GET YOU CUCUMBER EYEBALLS IF YOU WANT
J: xD
J: oh man i wish there was a place that rented out baby bunnies
J: so i could like
J: unleash a hoard in a room with a sad person in it
J: and then take them back when done

I forgot I was supposed to be writing something every day for writing group. Whoops. I started today, so I'll have about a week's worth of stuff by the time the meeting rolls around, if everything goes according to plan. The prompt was to write something for at least three days though, so... this is still meeting the goal.

The other night, before the thing with my brother happened, I was feeling nice... We'd gotten a big watermelon for cheap from the grocery store, and when we got home, my uncle cut up most of it and juiced it. He freezes the juice in Ziploc bags, then blends them later to make watermelon smoothies. While he was cutting it, I was hanging out there in the kitchen and chatting with him, and eating the bits of melon left on the rinds. I like the white part of the rind, because it's crisp and isn't overly sweet. It tastes kind of like cucumber. My dad says that when I was a toddler I would eat the rind down to the green part. After my uncle had finished cutting the watermelon into medium sized chunks, he filled the pitcher of the Vitamix with them and blended them into juice, and I held open a bag for him to pour it into. There was something very simple and comforting about preparing the watermelon. It felt like such a small thing, but it was the kind of unremarkable activity that I often daydream about. Just a gentle, every day kind of activity shared with good company. It's something I want to remember.

Good things for today:
-There was leftover spinach and garlic pizza from my favorite pizza place, so I ate that for dinner. It was cold, but it still tasted good.
-I have a big bug bit on my leg, and it's super itchy, but my uncle has this can of stuff called Biofreeze that's supposed to be for pain relief, but works for itching too. It's essentially a menthol spray, but it feels really nice.
-The speaker system for the middle floor TV is fairly good quality, and I spent a few hours listening to Jens Lekman on the Soundcloud add-on for Kodi on the TV. It sounded a lot better than it does through my mom's laptop or my tablet.

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