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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Little rest day
Friday, November 3, 2017
I think something in my house is making me feel sick. Have had fatigue, mild nausea, and headaches a lot in the past few days... or more? It's hard to keep track. Not sure if the remodeling has something to do with it.

Today I went to an "estate sale" with my mom over in a rich neighborhood nearby. I say that with quotes because it wasn't really much of an estate sale. A woman was moving out of one of the multimillion dollar houses over there and was pretty much just liquidating the backstock from the gift shop she owned, so the house was full of collectibles for sale... It was kind of neat to see the house itself, but the actual stuff for sale was a big letdown. So many figurines...

In the evening I saw Guardians of the Galaxy 2 with my parents. My dad had already seen it, but I guess he just felt like getting it from the library, so we all sat together and watched it. There were some funny parts, and also this:

Kind of a sad sentiment. I also don't think it's necessarily true that if you're ugly and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are. Sometimes people just love other people for fulfilling some particular role to them, which I would argue isn't the same as "loving them for who they are." But I guess I do think it's kind of true that beautiful people never know who to trust. It just falls under the larger umbrella of nobody being able to know who they can trust, not really.

It's not that you can't trust people... you just can't know whether you can trust people. You can only believe that you can. To truly know you'd have to have proof, and patterns of the past aren't genuine proof. They're just... patterns. Problem of induction. You just have to have some faith that things will stay in pattern.


After the "estate sale" I went to Safeway with my mom, and I think I saw a guy from my high school there... We weren't friends, and as far as I can remember we only had one class together, but I think it was him. I decided to message him on Facebook to mention that we passed each other, though we're not friends on there, so I don't know if he'll see it. No harm, though. I felt nervous about it at first, but I figured that I haven't really been challenging myself lately, so this was a small thing I could do to get over the shyness/anxiety.


No gym today, because I was resting. Tomorrow, though.

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"You're not my type"
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Ran 1.5 miles and did Turbo Kick today. Think I need to give my legs a rest. They feel a bit... stiff. Could also be that I'm not eating enough, though. On a good day I manage two meals, plus a protein bar and a green smoothie... It's hard to eat more than that. I know I need to in order to get stronger, but the motivation to force myself to eat isn't there. Plus we don't have a kitchen right now, which adds a layer of difficulty to my appetite problems.


I was looking at someone's Facebook page tonight, and it struck me, as it has before, that I'm tethered to this one body, to this one perspective. Not 'perspective' as in opinion, but like, I can only see out of these eyes, only feel with this skin, only hear with these ears, and so on. It feels... so confining.

It's weird to feel so unfamiliar with that confinement. You'd think I'd be used to it, given that it's the only thing I've ever really experienced for most of my waking hours. I say "most" and not "all" because there were some times during... traumatic... events where I was pretty strongly depersonalized and felt like I was watching myself in the third person. I don't really know how to explain it to a general audience though... And things are rarely in first person in my dreams. I guess it's like a video game, where you can shift between first person and third person perspectives, except that in my dreams, often there just isn't a "me" anymore. No body, no presence. Just watching things that other people are doing, and occasionally becoming them.

Tonight while I was videochatting with Sean I decided to purge my Facebook friends list again. I cut five people, which I guess was... 8.3% of my total? Considering cutting more soon. There is limited social space in my life and I don't want to keep a line open to anybody who isn't worthwhile.


We are remodeling parts of my house, and my dad finds the contractor we're working with very irritating, because the man is imprecise. My dad told me that the quickest way to make an engineer angry is to approximate and bullshit about stuff you don't know, and this contractor does that a lot. The man has been late by several hours and seemed barely familiar with the contract that my dad drew up, plus he said the electrical stuff was "ready for inspection" even though not everything is connected yet. I don't know if I've ever seen my dad get this annoyed at anybody before. I've only even seen him get angry a few times in my life, maybe three if this contractor stuff counts.

It made me think about how being the daughter of an engineer has influenced me. I have a strong aversion to ambiguity and like things to be laid out clearly and precisely. Vagueness and noncommittal answers are annoying. People who aren't on time are annoying. Inconsistency is annoying. That overly relaxed "go with the flow" attitude is annoying. I mean, none of this is annoying to the point where I'd actually get enraged with people, but I do notice it, and I don't like it. When I'm making plans I like to have the exact date, time, location, etc. figured out ahead of time as much as possible.

Now on the other hand, my mom is an art teacher... so she's a strange contrast to my dad. She isn't thorough, composed, exact, or consistent. Not saying I'm all of those things either, but I definitely lean more to that side than to my mom's side. She embodies a lot of the traits that annoy me, which is why I've learned that I have to keep a certain distance from her to avoid being extremely frustrated all the time. Then again, she does have a lot of social skills, so I guess there's balance there.

I'm somewhere between my mom and my dad, and I don't know what kind of person would complement me...


This scene from Happiness keeps replaying in my head.

This isn't working.

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These four words [4P]
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Fond strangers [2P]
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Monday, October 30, 2017
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Kyle: If I was going to be in pain for the rest of my life would you support my suicide
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Me: Well
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Me: I guess if that was what you really wanted
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Me: And we could find a way to do it that would minimize your suffering
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Me: I would be sad though
[10/30/2017 11:13 PM] Kyle: I think I would just OD on heroin.
[10/30/2017 11:13 PM] Me: I suppose that could be a nice way to go
[10/30/2017 11:18 PM] Kyle: Would you disrupt your life to go travel with me for like 6-12 months first
[10/30/2017 11:18 PM] Me: I think so.
[10/30/2017 11:18 PM] Me: If it was the last time I was going to see you then that would be worth putting my life on hold.
[10/30/2017 11:19 PM] Me: Not sure how I would afford it though.
[10/30/2017 11:19 PM] Kyle: I'm gonna kill myself on this scenario, I'll just pay for everything, silly.
[10/30/2017 11:19 PM] Me: Haha

It makes me really sad to think about not having Kyle as an active presence in my life, so I hope this scenario doesn't come to pass.


Went to the gym twice on Saturday and twice today. Gym is my boyfriend and we're getting serious.

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Calm and nothingness
Sunday, October 29, 2017
"I Have Enough Time To Be Disappointed Again" by Nao.

A small dark room with a crowd of people in it, and green and blue lights swirling behind the band on stage. Nobody is saying anything, nobody is dancing. At most, there is minute swaying from some of the members of the audience, and some people close their eyes. If you close your eyes, the room feels bigger, and it feels like you're alone, but you fill the whole space. Weightless, limitless, the expanse of yourself exists only in this moment, while the music plays, while your eyes are closed. There is no time, there is no you; you are inseparable from this feeling, from this moment.


I don't normally listen to this kind of music, but this song is evoking a sort of calmness in me at the moment. I've been pondering the title for awhile. Don't know who to talk to about it. Lately I have been craving intellectual conversation, but not the type that includes facts and figures and outside knowledge... Those kinds of discussions are okay too, but I feel a bit tired of regurgitating information. I guess what I'm looking for is more personally meaningful. Just want to have someone to talk to about what something brings up for each of us. Memories, feelings, visuals, etc. That would be nice. I keep talking about how I would like to have this, but I don't know where to find it.

I want to make something, but I don't feel inspired. I just feel... sort of calm. Have been trying to increase the amount I go to the gym, which I think might be impacting my mood. Things are more stable now. Not particularly depressed. I have many of the same thoughts as when I'm depressed, but different reactions to them. It's a cheesy analogy, but it feels a little like being Neo and being aware of the code of the Matrix, if the Matrix were... myself, I guess. Except that Neo doesn't repeatedly get plugged back into the Matrix in such a way that it becomes his whole reality again.

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Love is for the birds
Saturday, October 28, 2017
After my workout this morning, I decide to go to Petco to look at the parakeets.

I approach the glass-walled cage and look in, and instantly, I feel nothing but love for all of them.

This feeling is something I miss about having pets. I am never disappointed by my pets because I expect nothing from them but to exist. I feel only love and care and affection for them. It doesn't matter if they love me back.

Things with people are different because what I expect from them is proportional to what I believe they are capable of. I guess the zone of disappointment lies between their potential and what they will realistically do.

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Friday, October 27, 2017
He ends every conversation with "thanks for being" now.

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