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Do Not Trust
Friday. 7.15.11 10:09 pm
Sometimes I simply cannot believe the gall of the people that I name my friends. Anyone who reads this blog consistently knows well enough that I have been...uncomfortable with dating in the past few years. It just hasn't been happening.

I'm literally JUST getting comfortable with a girl, sort of getting back into the swing of things, and my FRIEND decides that I'm taking too long and takes matters into his own hands, so to say. Completely behind my back. And not even for the first time.

Words cannot convey how infuriated I am. No matter what happens, I will never give him this chance again. It's not like he does anything good with it anyway. Usually I want to wait to see how these things play out before I'd post about it, but I really just had to vent this time.

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crap crap crap
Tuesday. 7.12.11 1:49 am
I signed up for online banking (FINALLY) to manage my stuff, and then I went on this trip, see, and completely forgot my username AND my password. Since it's my bank account and stuff, I wanted to get away from my usual paradigm of naming and passwording, but it seems to have backfired heartily. I guess I'll have to make some calls. Poopy

So, my church trip. Appy '11. It went well as a whole! It was fun, of course, but I think the VBS also ran pretty smoothly. It was different for me, because usually I run the 7/8 grade class, but this year I was put with the highschool + group, which is completely different from the rest of the VBS. Instead of having a schedule with set times to have lessons, music, crafts, and recreation, we just do a testimony and spend the rest of the day hanging around and trying to just BE there. It's much less structured, which is great for me, but it means that if I want to discuss Jesus with someone, I have to bring it up myself instead of relying on the lesson. So that was different.

Back at the college we stayed at, the meetings were themed around prayer. Interestingly enough, on Friday we woke up to a flash flood watch at our site. Weather was calling for a 97% chance of rain starting at around 10 and lasting all day...and Friday is the day we spend outside, ending the week in a super epic cookout party. Rain would have been bad, to say the least, and floods are a definite damper on the day. We prayed it wouldn't ruin the day. We were all jacked up on hope because we had spent the week discussing how prayer is this powerful tool that we should never take for granted. But you know how it is. When the percentage of rain is that high, you know it's pretty much guaranteed and the weather guy just didn't want to put 100%.

The day was humid and hot. Right after we arrived at our side, it became pretty overcast and stayed that way all day. But it didn't rain. It didn't so much as drizzle until we got the hotdogs under the roof around one o'clock, and that lasted for only a few minutes. Around 3 we had most of the kids gone back home, and the college students were even beginning to pack up for home. And then it rained.

Even as we were leaving, after being waylaid by the storm, the flood never came.

It was a good week, and I saw good things and met good people. I'm so tired. :P

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The shadow proves the sunshine
Wednesday. 6.29.11 2:04 am
Hey guys.

I made a layout and I am mighty pleased with it.

Going to Appalachia with the church this Saturday. I'm excited, but sad because I probably won't get to see some friends before then, and who knows what'll happen once I'm back? It may be a while.

Of course, this is probably my last summer here. I'll be in school, or working somewhere, or in school in a different country, etc. Maybe I'll visit YOU while I'm there.

I'm chatting and helping my friend with physics homework and doing this at the same time. And I SHOULD be sleeping. Story of my life.

Anyway. I'm feeling slightly more optimistic, which is good because I'm about to go and try to be a good example.

Good night.

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Tonight's a night for run-on sentences
Wednesday. 6.22.11 12:08 am
It's sort of infuriating. I think of lots of little things I want to take note of, things that make me laugh or feel introspective or, I dunno, connected to real life. But I never have a way to record these passing thoughts, and by the time I get back here it's too late and they're gone forever or at least until next time I'm away from pen and paper and it really just stinks. I sit in a guard stand for six hours a day, and when I'm not reading (when nobody wants to swim) I'm watching people.


And that gives me lots of time to think, you know? It's what I enjoy doing, even when my inability to act on ideas or inspirations gives me a terrible itch. (And when I do go to act on these, if the moment has passed, it is much like working up for a big sneeze and completely missing the climax. Or the same for...climaxes, I guess) So I sit there and think, and ponder at how cool it would be if portals were real, because then I could have a double-ended candle that floats in a portal (balanced against its own gravity) and slowly melts down to a puddle of clear wax with flames emerging from the center, bounded only by surface tension and convection's air currents. Or wonder if the lady asking a French man for his passport is crazy, or if she really has a life straight from a bad thriller movie.

I used to be more open, I think. Certainly here, but that's not the point.

On Father's Day, Mom and I were going to visit Dad's grave. My brother was on the lake with friends. I don't know if that was an excuse not to go, or what, but that's where he was. It would just be Mom and me. And we had sort of waited til the last minute, and I was about to be late to work.

I didn't want to go. If I'm going to visit my dad's grave, it's going to be on my terms, by my self, and on my own time. Not on some holiday, alone with my mom, and rushing so I don't come in late. Maybe that's shallow. Cold. I can't blame you for thinking that. I think that. But there it is.

I don't really know emotions anymore, these days. I'm having a hard time digging them up. I get frustrated easily enough, but angry? Sad? Not really. Affection? I'd like that. But for the moment I just have to get by on pretending, in the hope that it...becomes real, I guess? I don't know. I don't remember.

I've been thinking about getting another account, or moving to a different site, so I could say stuff like this and not feel self-conscious. I haven't written anything...conversational for a long time for that reason. But I won't. I don't mind, really.

I'm spent for tonight, I think. g'night.

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