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Back in Hell
Thursday. 1.4.07 1:19 am
I just got back about an hour and a half ago. I hate it. I don't want to be here.

The flight was crowded. On Southwest there are 3 seats across in each row. Every seat was full. I didn't get a window seat, so I had to stay at least somewhat composed. If I had gotten a window seat, I could have put my head against the window pretending to look out and let the silent tears fall. But I had to wait till I got home.

I'm hoping that was the last time I'll have to fly between Tucson and Las Vegas. I'm hoping next time I make the trip out to Vegas its in a car and it'll be leaving Tucson for good, with all my stuff with me.

Lance picked me up like was arranged. He bought me McDonald's, since I haven't had anything to eat since around 6:30pm yesterday. I didn't finish the sandwich. I couldn't. I was too upset. Maybe tomorrow I'll eat something.

He helped me upstairs and stayed for longer than I was expecting. I didn't want to tell him to leave so as not to be rude. But I would have if he had stayed much longer. Thankfully someone called him and he had to leave. As soon as the door was shut I broke down again.

The tears flowed freely. No one around to see or hear. I was going to call my mom, but I purposly just text messaged her so that she wouldn't hear me cry and make it upset her.

I have a feeling this will become a nightly thing, for at least a little while. Its going to take everything in me not to cry at work tomorrow. Especially with Joey provoking me. I can't just ignore him either. It doesn't work that way with him. If you ignore him, he thinks its a game and will work harder to get your attention.


Grr. A fresh wave of tears. I'm thinking tonight that I'll just end up crying till my eyes are dry. Whatever. Its good to cry every now and then. And crying this morning doesn't count cuz I had to conceal it due to the fact that there was still someone in the house.

That's one of the things I really like about living on my own. No one to bother me when I don't want to be bothered. Its a big conveniance.

I had other stuff I wanted to say, but I was talking to my mom and got sidetracked. So now I don't remember. Oh well. I'm sure I'll think of it eventually. In which case I'll be back on to write another blog.

BTW: thanx to Silver-Dot-, Nuttz, lazypuppy, and randomjunk for the supportive words. It actually made my mouth twich up in an attempted smile.

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As it slowly sinks in...
Wednesday. 1.3.07 3:47 pm
*~I warn you now, this is not one of my most pleasant blogs cuz I'm not in the best mood right now~*

Well, I leave back for Tucson tonight. The reality that its actually going to happen is here. And the depression is starting to sink in more deeply. I've been avoiding it the last couple days by not thinking about it at all. But now that the day is here I can't avoid it anymore.

I don't want to go back. No, I really REALLY don't want to go back. I don't even think I can put into words how much I don't want to go back to Tucson.

What depresses me even more is the fact that I have to go back to the same piece of shit job and deal with the same shitty people. I realize that I can find another job, but I'm going to be moving in July, if not sooner, so there wouldn't be much of a point.

I already know that Joey is going to throw in my face that it was my choice to move away from my family and its a mistake to want to go back. What he doesn't realize is that, yeah sure I'm living on my own, but I'm lonely. I don't have anyone there, except maybe a few friends, that aren't even all that close. When I move back out to Las Vegas I'll be getting a place of my own, but I'll have family. I won't be lonely.

I already know that I'll be putting in my two weeks at the end of June. I think I might work the first week in July, but it depends on when that last pay period before July ends. I'll work the last full pay period before July and then I'll be done with that place forever.

Mom said that she, Lori, and Tony would come up with the car and Jean's truck if need be to help me move back here. I don't really have all that much, since I'm not going to be bringing furnature. I'll just buy all new stuff once I get out here and settled in.

The only thing, literally the only thing keeping me from moving out sooner is the fact that I'd have to break my current lease. And in keeping my credit as good as possible, that would fuck it up. Not a whole lot, but since I still don't have that much, it'd be a decent size glitch. If I want any luck at all in the future when it comes to getting a car or renting another place, I need to keep my credit as good as I can possibly keep it.

Alright, I still have some stuff to say, but I'd basically be repeating myself. Besides, the last wave of tears has sstopped and I don't want to risk causing another wave right away.

Sorry if I brought any of you guys down; I did warn you though. I'll be back on later.

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so...uhm... yeah
Tuesday. 1.2.07 10:32 pm
I couldn't think of a title.

Today was the last full day that I'll be in Las Vegas. Today was also pretty much the last chance I had to do anything. Even though I won't be leaving until 7:30pm, I need to be at the airport about 2 hours before the flight leaves and it takes about an hour to get to the airport from the house. Mom has to work tomorrow and doesn't get off till 3. Which means she doesn't usually get home till between 3:30 and 4. Which means we won't have more than an hour before we have to leave to bring me up to the airport.

Its so depressing; the thought of going back.

Especially now that I've already gone to a couple apartment complexes to get information on move-in deposits/requirements/fees and such. I've got a pretty good idea on which complex I am going to try and move in to. Both the ones I have my eye on are in the same general area {one is right up the street from the other} and they both cost about the same. The deposits and stuff are slightly different, but monthly rent is about the same. They're both gated and seem well upkept.

There's only one thing stopping me from moving out sooner than July. And that's the fact that I'd have to break my current lease. I don't want to do that cuz it doesn't look good on apps when applying for another apartment. That is literaly the only stopping me from moving out of Tucson earlier than July. I don't have more than a few good friends out there and I certainly won't miss my job.

Alright, I'm seriously getting depressed thinking about how long it is till July.

I don't even want to talk about the stuff I've done already cuz that'll depress me knowing its over and how long it'll be before the opportunity comes again.

Ugh! I hate how this works.

I know that I need to be patient and wait it out for my benefit, but I've never been good with patience. I've gotten slightly better at it over the years, but only a small fraction.

Grr. I don't even know what else to say right now. If I figure out anything else to say I'll just post it under a differnt name.

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Tuesday. 1.2.07 1:21 am
I ended up only looking for apartments online rather than actually going out. Most of the offices were closed though, so it would have been a waste of time. Tomorrow, however, is just any other ordinary day when everything should be open again.

We did go out to Wal-Mart and Target. I bought more earrings since the last ones I bought were too small and sucked in general. The ones I bought tonight were 14s, though, so I had my sister shove them through the already gauged 16s. She told me that was the last time she was going to do it for me. If I'm going to be doing anymore gauging, I have to do it myself. It only makes sense though, since I'm going back home in two days. Ugh! Depressing.

Anywho, at Target I bought a pair of pajama shorts and matching pants. They're really comfy. I also bought more white out {I only use pens when I write and I've been out of white out for quite some time}. And I bought these really cool gel pens that write a certain color, but turn out with a silver outline. The silver will rub off if you touch it though. I used to use those pens to write on myself... and I would get in trouble almost every time I was caught.

Since my sister has school tomorrow and my mom has work, I'll be alone in the house for a while in the morning. Not sure what I'll do, but I'm pretty sure it'll involve being on the comp most of the time. Oh well.

I guess I'm out of stuff to say. I'll most likely write more tomorrow.

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my first blog of the New Year...
Monday. 1.1.07 6:23 pm
This would have been much much earlier had my wireless connection for my laptop not gone all screwy. It decided it wanted to stop working around 11:30 last night. I was so pissed I almost threw my computer. But since I have some control, I just dropped it onto a bunch of blankets and pillows. I finally managed to do something {not sure what} to get it working again. Now I'm almost afraid to leave it for too long.

Anywho, the plans I have today are simple. I am gonna be going apartment hunting. I won't be able to move back out here till my lease is up at my other apartment {lease-breaking doesn't look good on other lease apps}, but I'm sill going to be looking into what I have to do and have to get an apartment out here. I'll also be filling out applications online, or at least looking through to see what's available and certain requirements needed.

I really really want to work at the Venetian in the Blue Man Group theater. Mom casually asked the other night and found out that you have to be 18 or older {I'm 20} to get a job there and most of the people working are college aged kids. So that's sweet news. I just have to have luck.

Other than that not too many plans are going into affect for today. My vacation is coming to an end only too quickly. I don't want to think about it. It depresses me.

Well, I have to take a shower so that when my mom gets home from picking someone up, we can go out. I'll be back on later tonight {granted my internet is still working}.

Happy New Year Nutang!

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8e ... futher explained in blog :)
Sunday. 12.31.06 5:06 am
My Blue Man Experience: Part Two

We went to the Blue Man Group performance again tonight. This time, we were in the 2nd row. I thought it was amazing last time. There are not enough words to describe how much better it was this time. It is so much better sitting up close and personal. You can see their expressions {which get so funny at times}. You can see much more detail to certain acts that they do. Its great. They also like to keep looking down into the crowd and interacting at some points. The show was almost exactly the same. There were only slight differences. But nothing that differed too greatly. It was truely an amazing experience. If you are ever in Las Vegas, you must immediately reserve tickets to see the Blue Man Group. Its so beyond worth the price of the tickets. Its a must see for anyone.

It was more than worth it spending the money to go again. Next time I come out to Las Vegas, I'll be spending more money to go see them again. I think that once I move back, I'll have to make this a monthly thing. I do believe that I'll be applying at the Venetian as well. Maybe I'll be able to get behind the scenes. One can hope right?

Here are some of the pictures taken from this evening:
~ This is the same guy I took a picture with last week {Blue Man #1}~

~ This is a different guy {Blue Man #2}~

~ This is a pic of Blue Man #2 with my sister {left} and me {right}~

~ Blue Man #1's kiss~

~ Blue Man #2's kiss~

There is a third Blue Man, but we didn't notice him until we were already on our way out. So definately next time I will get a pic taken with all three. My sister got a pic with a couple members of the band as well, but they're on a different camera and haven't been uploaded to the computer yet.

I most greatly enjoyed being kissed by the Blue Men. They smell so damn good. It could be their cologne or just the paint, but they smelled wonderful. I still have the blue paint lipprints on my cheeks. I plan on staying up all night so that I don't have to worry about the paint smearing. I'll most likely wash it off tomorrow morning so that this way Jean and Steve will be able to see it as well. {they're sleeping right now since its 2:32am}

Prior to the Blue Man Group performance, we went down the Srtip a bit and wandered around the Caesar's Palace Forum Shops. We went into FAO Shwartz while we were wandering throughout Caesar's Palace. They had a life size plush Mammoth, that had already been sold! It must have been worth quite a few thousand dollars! The person who bought it is definately rich and has to have a giant house/mansion in order to fit the animal into it. There were other life size plush animals, such as horses, a cow, a pig, a buffalo, some kangaroos {with their Joey's}, baby giraffes, etc. It was a three story store {1st floor: mostly stuffed animlas, 2nd floor: baby/toddler items, 3rd floor: hands-on, interactive games and such}. I like the 1st floor best, with the stuffed animals.

Lastly in tonight's entry {I do belive I've made it long enough and I should probably end it soon} an explaination, as promised, about the title. The Venetian parking garage has 8 levels to it. Since the Blue Man Group is at The Venetian, it only made sense to park there. For about 30 minutes we drove around the 5th level, the 6th level and the 7th level of the garage and found no empty spots. So we made our way up to the 8th and final level of the parking garage. We drove around for about 5 minutes up there only to find one spot open in the back of the section, completely opposite the elevators: section 8e. I started to mention about what I was going to write about in tonight's blog, and she joked saying I should title it 8e. So, thinking it was a pretty funny idea, I did. Sort of dumb, but funny none-the-less.

Tomorrow {technically its already Dec. 30th since its 2:47am} is the last day of the year 2006. We'll be going shopping for party items {otherwise known as alcohol}. And I'll write more later in the day. G'night Nutang!

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