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Monday. 4.19.04 9:57 pm
Interesting. Quite interesting. So i was talking to this kid on the bus who was looking for a girl but didnt know where to find the good ones. and that got me thinking. and i was like well there are plently of girls in school who will fuck you, there's no doubt in that. Then we really started talking and he wants a certain type of girl and not just trash. Then i started to think about the people in school and there really arnt that many girls out there like the one he's looking for. they're all either taken or are bestfriends with boys so what difference does it make? There arnt that many girls out there who have gone heavycore into the whole drug scene, emerged and are chill now. not enough intelligent people who are chill and not all in your face. girls who sit back and watch, who arnt the really pretty i wear a skirt and make up type. there really arnt that many types out there like that. i can think of one. and i like her. shes tight. shes really chill, shes cynical like hell, shes fucking cool to chill with. like i wouldnt mind just chilling with her. I also think thats why i dont chill with many chicks. i really dont talk to any girls. i mean i talk to jamie, bon, and whit. the rest, i know them, i'm their aquantance. first period i just nod my head and talk to rojo. second i talk to whit n jamie. third i talk to clint and brian, those kids, fourth its andrew bon sometimes, fifth no one, six rojo or making fun of kaylinn, seventh andrew. notice how there are three girls in that whole equation. i mean the dudes are cool to chill with. they're funny like hell. they're intelligent and keep the interesting shit going. but. the girls, there really arnt that many cool just chill girls. honestly. talking to that kid today, there are really no girls i can think of right now that i would want to hook him up with. they are all fucking basically annoying. their conversation is dead and pointless. they worry to much about how they look and are posers. they annoy me. but the ones i do talk to are girly but, not. they're cool. they're chill. i can sit with them and its some semblience of intelligence. but then agian that adds up to what? 3 girls? its really sad, i feel disapointed in the girl population as a whole. but i find my self wishing for more people like that kid digs, a chill, cool, intelligent exdruggie chick. the male population has plenty of interesting people. they keep the jokes coming. they keep it interesting. i really am sad. hrm. my closest friends well, i've had two close friends. those who lasted a considerable amount of time. there was shaun. who of course. well yeah. (there was cody but that doesnt count, boyfriends never do) and then there was jessica. who i must admit was amazing. she was fucking funny, chill. just chill. cool to be around. of course she was a lesbian so it was cool to have her like comment n stuff. shes more of a boy then a girl but of course has her girly side. theres a point to this. somewhere in the ramble. i hate how girls who are more boyish are labeled as lesbian BUT, the mondo girly girls who are always fucking someone are annoying like shit. i dont know maybe this is an ugly girl symptom but its just not as much fun. i dont like the people in school this is me complaining about them. their poserness. their stupidity, and their annoying factor... ok im done

lets ramble about something else for now. that was really pointless. i'm really hypocritcal but, then again thats my fault. i know it. this girl today tried to get me to donate shit for this thing for an soldier out in iraq and i was like NO. i dont believe in killing another human being. yeah its funny like shit when someone dies but thats cause it happened. the games and shit, thats all fake. but to deliberatly go out, wage war, kill thousands of people, for a pointless and bullshitted cause. i think i have a problem with that. yeah i have a facination with serial killers, and death its self but that doesnt mean i could ever kill another person. yeah thats hypocrytical but thats me . i dont support the war. i think its bull shit that the US is over there. i could never kill another person. take my most loved ones, all of them, set them in front of me and give me a gun. give me the option to kill the killer or to watch all of them die. i will watch them die. i'm serious. i will. i dont believe in taking another life. Oh yeah, i'd torture a person. yeah. i'd make a person suffer for hours on end but never kill. never.plus that person would have to be willing. and i will not support someone who is in iraq, killing people for a false reason. no. bull shit. they choose to be there instead of here on the mainland where they could be buying their own damn socks in walmart then so be it. their choice. they die, oh well. you knew your risks you took them, you died. i dont care. your choice.

im tired of the war. im tired of this bull shit. im tired of it. *shrug* shake your head, call me names, whatever it maybe, thats how i feel. so be it. my choice. your choice.

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I smile
Saturday. 4.17.04 5:49 pm
Ooh. Hrm. mistress. now that sounds interesting. mariella told me you broke up. haha. Mistress. now i wonder. i'm glad jessica is still jessica. have fun on the bando trip... the one you found died in my interesting level, so. oh well. lol. no i dont see him, and dont like him. i dont know. interesting for only a bit. there are two now. but the old one still stands. ^_^

haha. i can still smile. when i read that i knew i could still smile from the heart. nice.

you work now?

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Thursday. 4.15.04 9:01 pm
Thank you so much. thank you for still being there. thank you for still. for still. thank you...

when the time comes. when its ok. things will happen. but i was answered last night. i asked for the answer. and i was told. i had a dream man. if we do it now, most definate failure will ensue. not now. but. maybe in time. he warned me. and you and only you know what i mean. if i was warned, i should heed it. but at least we both know. i love you. there is no doubt in that. i miss you. there is now doubt in that. and that brought some consolation. this dream. brought answers.

in time. i feel alot better. i hope you do...

want a laugh? by the way. i still like him. lol. and no one will put up with my antics. goodness do i miss you...

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Wednesday. 4.14.04 9:06 pm
Something is wrong. Or all to right. I dont know. This depression that sits in me. That lives in me. That thrives on me, is sick. but of course, exists... I sigh.

I miss her. I miss her so much. i really and truly miss her. Life is duller. Life is sadder. Life is now darker. it took a long time for me to get over the shock. for me to really feel this. wow. i really am good at this whole hiding my feelings. i dont know. i look at the streets, the cars, and i wish to see her drive by. just to see her. i saw her once. i dont know. the mum was in the car. and goodness. i dont know. but what i do know is that i miss her, and i keep trying to replace her, but i cant. thats why i feel like this. thats why...

he told me i had changed. changed ever since they put me in a skirt but he doesnt understand. he cant. i cant explain it to him. i could only to her. I didnt change, i just hid my self to make those people happy. I told that girl "cute" b/c she changed to make them happy too. She needs a "self esteem" boost. i thought i'd give it. And hanging with them, its nice to not think. to just sit and listen. its nice to ignore my self. so i hide my self, make them happy, and get lost within the chatter. i'm tired of my self. I'm tired of my damn conscionce. im tired of my thoughts killing me everyother second. but then again, i tire of them now. i tire of it all. i just miss her. and this is how i forget her. i replace her. i cant. i know. i have to do something. SOMETHING. not just nothing.

she balanced me. she was my balance. i feel like half of me is gone. i feel like. i feel lost. i cant release anything. i miss her. its like half of me is gone. its like my reassurance that life is ok, is gone. there is no one. shes gone. she is gone. i cant do anything. but i miss her. i miss her so much. she was part of me. and up untill now i was able to hide it. to not let it affect me. but as time passes i realize how much she was. not realize, but allow my self to see. I knew it. deep down inside. oh yeah, i knew it. but refused to admit it. but i miss her. and there is nothing i can do, there are things holding me back, and i cant. i cant approach her. i cant... i feel half empty. i feel like there is nothing i can do right. there is nothing i can do. i need her. i need someone to tell me i'm being stupid and need to stop. i need her to tell me things. i need to tell her things. i need to tell her i love her. now it hits me. what am i going to do? what am i going to do? i go through life now, and all there is, is scorn. no one understands. no one can comprehend. no one gets it. and no one cares. you smile, you fake it all, but inside, you dont mean shit. but iwth her, she understood, she got it. she cared. i'm falling apart here. what am i going to do. what the hell am i going to do? what is there to do?

i dont know what to do. i dont have anyone to ask. i need her love so much. i need her. i need to scream. i need to yell. i need to get in her car and scream my head off.

but i cant.

she really is gone... isnt she.

i need to tell her. i need to tell her everything. about him, about my mum, about people about everything. im keeping it in. and i cant do it. she listened. she was my other half. she was part of me. and now. it hits me.

shes really gone. gone.

i miss sitting in the car, in silence. i miss the understanding. i miss the bond. i miss the friendship. i miss the stupidity. i miss the imaturity. i miss her wisdom. i miss her.

thats whats wrong with me. that is what plauges me. but i will do nothing. for there is nothing to do. NOTHING. i'm stuck. here. stuck...

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Monday. 4.12.04 1:58 pm
this music is entoxicating... i feel the memories fade. i feel the world erase. i feel. that is all. maybe its the mood i'm in. maybe its the situation. maybe its the want. who knows. my mind is a haze. a smoky haze that i cant hear in, i cant think in, i can only be in.

i do enjoy this.

too fast and too soon. to slow and to late.

thats what this is. thats what it all is.

two very interesting people. yes, interesting is a good thing but how long will it last. and how long will i allow it to go on? how long has it gone on. Two is only recent but one has been the story for much to long. This one. One interesting kid. slightly unfortunate. this is my fault. This is all my doing. this is me. but. no one can see. no one can tell. no one really knows. thats all that matters. really. thats all that matters.

no one. knows.

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Monday. 4.12.04 12:24 pm
i enjoy this dont i.

i like it like this, not happiness, torment. Its more fun.

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