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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Maybe I'll try to write more
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
I feel like my recent dearth of blog posts has accompanied a general feeling of complacency. Mood is not particularly low, but I just... don't feel driven to do much.

Oh, and I found out that I accidentally lost 7 lbs, probably because I haven't been eating enough. Whoops. Sadly it's likely just muscle mass from not the combo of not eating enough and not working out because I got sick and stopped going to the gym for awhile. Trying to get back into it, though. Went to the gym yesterday and stayed for two classes even though the second class was a horrendous country music dance class. Guh, it was so awful. I've been pretty sore today, but I ended up walking five miles at a meetup anyway, so now my feet hurt in addition to my legs. Yayyyyyy...

Going down south tomorrow. Hoping to see a couple friends there, but I'm not sure what the plan is just yet.

Have been chatting with various people on OKC, and might meet up with more soon, but nothing too interesting just yet. Hung out with that dude from Sunday again and we went to the avian vet and looked at the budgies there. They had some up for adoption and I really wanted to adopt a couple, because they were so cute and I loved them immediately, but I haven't got the right setup in my house for birds at the moment... Plus I would need to take a bird care class with Mickaboo and have them do a home visit and stuff to adopt... But once those things are out of the way, if I can afford to, I'd really love to get more budgies. I miss having birds so much. Things just haven't felt the same since I lost Romeo and Cici. Feels like I need something to love again.

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Holidays are stressful
Monday, December 25, 2017
I got up early to make food for Christmas and felt stressed out because it took longer than anticipated and didn't come out quite right. Everybody else was just sleeping or on the computer or playing games. I had like four hours of sleep and no food until 1 pm. Probably made me more susceptible to stress. I don't remember the last time I actually enjoyed a holiday, though. Like, legitimately enjoyed one, rather than just getting through it. A few years ago, maybe? My mom also wants me to draw up a family newsletter to send out... I haven't done any comics for a long time, but I guess I'm supposed to do a whole bunch now. Not feeling enthusiastic about it.

No presents. Maybe my family just isn't doing that anymore. We didn't decorate, either. Not even a tree. I don't know why. Maybe nobody cares. I don't think I would have been bothered by any of this if my mom didn't insist on playing Christmas music all day every day for the past like... week or two. The lack of presents and tree was a little sad, but the Christmas music made me want to scream, especially since she put on a Pandora Christmas playlist that kept playing country songs for some godforsaken reason.

Since my family apparently didn't buy into capitalistic gift-giving traditions this year, I got a couple games for myself on Steam. I've been avoiding spending any money, but I figured a few bucks wouldn't kill me. Looking forward to Where They Cremate the Roadkill the most. John Clowder's work has never failed to awe me.

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Saw some birds
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Met up with that dude. Saw some birds. Walked around for a couple hours. It was a thing. He has ADD and told me about how he spent a year at a school that specialized in handling disorders like that, so he learned a lot of focusing techniques (but still needs medication for work). Didn't take any pictures of birds. We saw some gophers or something though, which was interesting. Also failed spectacularly at identifying birds, but it was fun to try.

I've been reading about rare fruit gardening on this website and it seems really interesting and like something I might want to check out? Between the birding and ECS though, adding gardening to my list might push me too deep into old people hobby territory. >.> Oh well. Sadly it looks like the next meeting for the local chapter of this organization is right when I have to be at the intensive for my grad program, so I guess I can't go. Maybe I'll be able to check it out someday, though.

It's interesting to be... interested in doing things. To have hobbies again. I think the last time I was able to list hobbies without difficulty was when I was a teenager. I mean, I've been interested in plenty of things since, but only for a few days, really. Things just don't stick. I really like birding though, and I want to get better at it. I should get a birds of Northern California book to help me out... Might have to wait until I have more money though.

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That was unexpected
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Started talking to a guy and we made plans to hang out in less than 24 hours. Whew, speedy. I'm not expecting this to go in any particular direction, but the conversation was decent, so we'll see how it goes. Gonna go walk around and hopefully look at some BIRDS.

Have been feeling kind of sad lately, but I'm usually able to scrape together some social energy for meeting new people, at least for a few hours.

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Guess I'll be closing things down
Friday, December 22, 2017
OKC has become super duper broken, so I'll probably shut down my account there soon. Can't even access my messages or most of the pages on the site. I did have a fun little back and forth with a dude briefly tonight, but I don't anticipate that kind of thing happening much. The site's so cancerous now that I don't think it's worth keeping around. Eight years and it's finally too much to stand!

Ah well. I've gotten a lot of experiences out of OKC. Some friends, and more recently some unfortunate connections... but maybe it's just time to move on. Gotta try the IRL thing. Not really sure how to do that just yet but I'm working on it...

In better news, I think my hair is finally long enough to not look completely stupid when it's down. I still want to go get it trimmed and re-layered so it looks nicer, but I'll probably have to wait until next year for that, because of holiday plans.

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Some things that have happened
Monday, December 18, 2017
I had a dream about him last night and woke up feeling sad. The feeling persisted throughout the day.

My weekend was... sort of eventful? On Saturday I went birding with a group for the second time. It wasn't quite as fruitful an expedition as the first time, and it was very cold and windy, but I got a few decent pictures. This one of a black phoebe is my favorite:

I chatted a bit with one of the ladies in the group, and she gave me some tips on how to find more birding opportunities/outings. Something to look into!

On Sunday I went to ECS for the annual winter festival. It was an open mic/potluck deal, kinda low key. I shared a short story from one of my books, and I think it was well-received. At the end of the open mic part, one of the founders of the group put a bunch of instruments (drums, tambourines, maracas, etc.) in the middle of the room, and we all selected one and participated in a drum circle. I guess it's kind of a pagan thing, and it made me think of The Righteous Mind. The music was very organic, and everyone was making it together in this interesting, coordinated but unplanned way. I felt a bit awkward about it at first, but I actually really liked it and I feel like I would enjoy doing something like that again. The appeal of having a drum circle and dancing around a bonfire or something is making more sense to me now, although the drum circle we did was indoors, during the daytime, and I don't think it lasted long enough for anybody to be seized by the desire to dance. The guy who set it up said that drum circles often go all night. I guess I don't quite know how to describe how it felt, but we were all synced up, and that sense of being part of something was very cool.

I think I like ECS so much because I'm tired of feeling like I'm alone. I mean, I have my family, which is very important to me, but I haven't really had a community to be part of, not in person at least. I've had online things, including Nutang, but actually being with people in real life, doing things with them, hearing their voices and seeing their faces... it's a different experience. It's nice to go to something where it doesn't feel like people are just treating it as a stepping stone to something else, where I feel welcomed and safe. The IRC channel where I hang out is kind of like a virtual form of that, but it's not consistently active, and it's online. It made me really sad a couple months ago when RD disrupted that. I felt like he had set fire to something that was a safe space for me. Don't think he understood what it was to me. I'm relieved that I feel okay going back there now, though.

Went hiking today with that guy I met on the plane. It was nice, and pretty platonic I think (whew). I'm pretty sure I saw a phainopepla on the trail, although I couldn't ID it until I got home. No picture of it, but it basically looked like a black cardinal. Also maybe saw a mockingbird? The call it was making sounded familiar but I didn't get a good look at it because it was really high up in a tree.

Yesterday I went running with my mom. I did 2.5 miles and walked... uhh... maybe like 0.37ish of that? Not really sure. I forgot to stretch afterwards though, and didn't eat much yesterday, which I think is why my legs hurt today. >_> Also, I think the running activated my allergies, because I was sneezing a bunch yesterday night. Stupid exercise-induced rhinitis. >:C On the plus side, I felt fine about the distance/my pacing, and I think if I hadn't been dead bored by running around a track, I would have gone for longer. Kind of a relief, since I was worried I'd lose a bunch of stamina from not going to the gym regularly for like two months because of that awful cold.

"No one's around to help." by JerryTerry.

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Cookies, eyeliner, ambiguous hangout [2P]
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Mental health and friendship
Sunday, December 10, 2017
I guess I haven't really felt much like blogging lately. Most of my blogging gets done late at night when everybody's gone to sleep and I'm alone with my thoughts, but lately I've been kind of occupied late at night chatting with a new friendish person. He works nights, so he's around when nobody else is.

I like talking to him, but he seems pretty emotionally stable and that's kind of weird for me. It's not bad by any means, I'm just... not used to it. I don't think I've ever had lengthy conversations with anybody who didn't have some kind of emotional problems. Having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept that this dude is just... normal.

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