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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
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Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
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Bug
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Camp Weedonwantcha
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Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
E-merl.com
The End
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Existential Comics
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For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
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JBabb Comics
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Last Train to Old Town
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Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
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Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
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Optipess
Out There
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Robbie and Bobby
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Stand Still. Stay Silent
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Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
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Two Guys and Guy
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Wilde Life
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xkcd
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Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
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Daisy is Dead
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Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
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Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
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Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Hasty generalization
Saturday, August 26, 2017
I went to the gym today.

1.75 mi (9:31 minute pace, lvl 1 incline), walked 0.25.
Squats (on Bosu, then off with weights), planks (60 sec, 2x), burpees w/ Bosu, tricep extensions, lat pull downs.

I don't know why, but I felt really just like... mentally exhausted after running, so I was doing everything else kind of slowly. Probably could have kept running but was getting a bit lightheaded so decided to stop and do other things. I had to keep stopping between exercises to just slowly walk around to try to get rid of the lightheadedness. >_>

---

Anyway, while I was running, I was thinking about hasty generalization, which is basically just jumping to conclusions before you have enough information. I've put in effort to not do this so much anymore, but it does sometimes manifest in small, subtle ways.

I don't know if anybody except for Kyle really remembers what I was like as a teenager, but I was pretty moody, irrational, and cynical. To some extent that's just typical for that age (teen angst!), but I have put in specific work to move away from how I was back then. I know Kyle and I had a number of arguments where I got emotional and upset and couldn't effectively argue my points, because... I didn't have points. I had feelings. It's nearly senseless to try to argue with someone who's coming from a position of emotionality, because they're unlikely to be able to absorb what you're saying. You have to take the time to calm them down first and then calmly lay out your argument clearly while explaining where you're coming from. Of course, as teenagers, Kyle and I didn't know this, so we just ended up frustrating each other on a few occasions.

When I'm in a negative highly emotional state I'm more susceptible to making hasty generalizations. This usually takes the form of "this is what I've encountered, so this is all there is." I feel like there's some more specific term for this but I can't for the life of me remember what it is. It's kind of a sampling bias, I suppose? Undue extrapolation based on a limited data set.

Examples of this include:
-Thinking that the only times people think of me are the ones they tell me about
-Thinking that because I've had lame relationships in the past, I'll only have lame relationships in the future (though this line of thought is countered by the uniformity of nature part of the problem of induction somewhat)

There's some negativity bias thrown in there as well, e.g. if I have 10 positive interactions with someone and 4 negative ones, it's easier to remember the negative interactions and fear the person won't like me anymore based on those. Unfortunately this one isn't contained to me; it's possible that the other person's negative memories will be more salient, which really would affect their feelings towards me.

Ways I try to counter this tendency:
-Reminding myself that there's always more to things than I'm seeing
-Holding conclusions very loosely, if at all, until I can get more direct confirmation
-Pushing myself to be open to the unexpected
-Paying extra attention to positive moments (though not at the expense of negative ones; I don't want the bias to swing in the other way)

Gotta have that extra voice in my head reminding me to be reasonable and not rush to action over limited data. I'm pretty cautious and prefer to wait to make decisions as much as possible, but in the heat of the moment those jumping-to-conclusions thoughts still come. At that point I just try to hold them back from affecting my behavior. Even if I can't stop their automatic generation all the time, I can still keep them contained, which I think is important.

---

An old favorite song from an old favorite band that came up on iTunes just now.

"I Concentrate On You" by Splitsville.

Words I write down in black and white
Still cannot describe how I feel
My mind's on fire, locked in overdrive
And there's only you at the wheel

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Cognitive biases [4P]
Friday, August 25, 2017
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Filler
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Ran 1 mile (lvl 1 incline, 0.8 at 9:40 min pace, 0.2 at 8 min pace), did Turbo Kick, ran another mile (lvl 1 incline, 0.6 at 9:13 min pace, 0.4 at 7:53 min pace).

There's a lot I'm thinking about, and stuff I want to write, but it's 4:30 AM and I think now is not the time. I'll get around to it later.

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What will they say when I'm dead? [4P]
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
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Annoying overreactions
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Had kind of a weird sensitive emotional day. It was kind of frustrating, because I kept feeling all these things and then reacting to stuff in what felt like an overly reactive way, and the part of me that usually tries to keep things steady felt like it was behind bars and just had to watch as the rest of me went on an emotional rampage. Like my voice of reason was trying to calm things down but couldn't reach, so I just had this tiny observational voice in my head going "wtf wtf wtf no no stop."

I kept doing things and saying things that I knew were obviously irrational or like... not constructive, and in the instant after they came out I was like "aaagh no why" but it kept happening... and I felt frustrated because I could see all my mistakes and where I was going wrong and what I should have avoided but I couldn't seem to get those feels under control. The friend I was talking to was nice about it but I still felt pretty terrible about it, since I'd normally do a better job of handling things.

Felt like if you were trying to make Thanksgiving dinner and you're just watching from behind your eyes like your body is a prison and it's burning the turkey and you're going "NO NO OH GOD TAKE THE TURKEY OUT" but your hands won't cooperate, and then you get control back as soon as the oven door opens and you can see the black turkey that you now have to serve to everyone.

---

In more positive news, I reconnected with my friend Noah today... Have kinda been catching up with him a little, although he's not too quick to respond since he's on mobile. He said he was glad that I messaged him and that he missed me, and that felt really nice. It's like, I care about this person and I want to know what's going on with him, and it feels good that it's not a completely asymmetrical thing. He asked what kind of music I've been listening to though, and I linked him a bunch of songs I liked and he wasn't into most of them, haha.

[11:02:45 PM] Noah: Dude I finished your Playlist those were some really mellow emo songs lol
[11:03:08 PM] Me: Haha, mellow in a good way?
[11:03:31 PM] Noah: No lol
[11:03:49 PM] Me: Aw

I asked him if he'd been making music, because in the past he sent me some songs he was working on and I liked them, but he hasn't shared anything with me (yet? Fingers crossed). I legitimately like his music and was listening to his demos a bunch earlier, so I hope he does send me more stuff.

---

Oh, and the biggest positive surprise of the day was a package that came in the mail... My mom was like "did you order something?" and I was like "No?" and opened it and... it was bird pajamas... With the note "You can't be sad if you're in bird pajamas!" There was no indication as to who sent it, but I heavily suspected that it came from Kyle (spoiler: it did). It was a silly gift and it made me smile. Now I have some warmer pajamas for winter... It's really nice to get these surprise presents from him. If it was just random stuff then it wouldn't mean that much to me, but he generally picks things pretty intentionally, so I get things like flannel sheets (my favorite!) and boxes of Goldfish (also my favorite!) which I really appreciate.

Anyway... I've been feeling pretty exhausted from all the emotional stuff, and I felt like I needed to sleep around five hours ago, but that was too early, so I just stayed up. I think it's late enough to go to sleep now, though.

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I should probably go to the gym daily [2P]
Monday, August 21, 2017
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Was only temporary... [2P]
Monday, August 21, 2017
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ECS meetup went well
Sunday, August 20, 2017
I had a really good experience with the meetup I went to today. Went to the Ethical Culture Society platform on current ethical issues. It was mildly like a church service, which was interesting, as I haven't been to anything like that of my own accord in years. I enjoyed it though, as campy as parts of it were. They had secular live music that everyone sang the chorus to, and there was something like a lecture, but group participation in the form of comments and questions was encouraged.

The lecture was about religion and its function, how it works and what it does right and wrong. It wasn't about slamming religion in general-- although one of the two speakers did ask the audience at the start what some of the things they didn't like about religion were. Mainly it was about what religion provides that people value and need, and how to find those aspects without the blind faith, dogma, and demanded conformity that so often plagues organized religions. Interestingly, they pointed out that when religions start, they're headed by people who are distinctly non-conformist-- freethinkers who attract a crowd with their different ideas. Once those leaders die, though, religions tend to become more dogmatic and rigid, as the successors try to codify the teachings of the prophets to preserve them. Then, some new freethinker comes along and shakes up the system, and the cycle repeats. The proposition set forth by the speakers was that religions serve as a survival tool, and that science is actually something of a spiritual successor to religion, in that it gives us a way to organize our world and understand it. There is a pretty big difference of course, in that science, despite having certain rules and basic assumptions, encourages flexibility and open-mindedness and doesn't advocate unquestioning allegiance.

There ARE people who treat science like a religion (scientism), but science is not a religion per se. People who play by the rules, conduct rigorous research, and come up with conclusions that seem counter to what "should be" scientific have made observations about this. It's not scientific to definitively declare that ghosts don't exist, for example, unless you can conclusively prove that ghosts don't exist. Until then you just have to remain in an agnostic position about it. Yet there are scientists who will fight tooth and nail against an idea like that, claiming it's too woowoo and supernatural to be scientific. Science is a tool for discovering truth, not a truth in itself. I think this is something that many people don't understand, and so you get people who fight against science because they think it's just a bunch of people in white lab coats being smug jerks who say "god doesn't exist because SCIENCE." Meanwhile there are plenty of scientists who are also religious, because science doesn't actually conflict with religious beliefs unless your religion says you're not allowed to question anything in it or investigate the world.

Partway through the talk, this shirtless guy started rummaging through the refreshments in the back of the room, and someone went to go talk to him. A bit later, he started messing with the camera that they were using to record the talk, and the speakers paused while the situation was dealt with. There wasn't too much commotion-- a man asked the shirtless guy if he needed help, and they asked him not to be disruptive-- but it quickly became evident that the shirtless guy was not going to stop (he seemed like he might be mentally ill), so they asked him to leave, though not before offering to give him some food to take with him. It was handled pretty calmly and respectfully, I think, although there definitely was some tension because of this random shirtless old guy making a bunch of noise in the back and interrupting the talk. Someone took him outside and talked to him, and the speakers discussed what had just happened and how the room had reacted to the disruption, as well as what we could take away from the incident. Since it was my first time, I had no idea if that guy was a regular attendee of the meetings or what was going on, but when I asked the people around me, it seemed that nobody had ever seen him before or knew who he was. I found out afterwards that he was just some dude who lived in his car and that in addition to coming to our meeting and going through the food, he had left the radio in his car playing so loudly that it disrupted a meeting in a nearby community center as well. Apparently the police were called to help him. (The police in that area tend to be friendly and helpful rather than aggressive and callous, a fact which my seat neighbor noted when she was recommending that we call the police to help the shirtless guy).

So, yeah, I enjoyed the meetup a lot, and they have other types of meetups as well for this group, so I'm thinking I'll try to go to the book club they're holding next week. The book is Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman, and I got the audiobook from the library online. It's pretty interesting so far, but I don't like audiobooks much and I wish I had a physical copy instead. This book is only ~200 pages but the audiobook is almost five hours long. >_> I don't think it would take me nearly that long to just read it on my own... And I'd probably process it better too... Ah well.

---

Had a talk with my friend today about where we stand and possible ways to work things out. It doesn't seem like there's a way we can compromise, at least not in our current life situations, but I feel better having had the conversation. I feel... more able to accept things, I guess. Like, it sucks, but now I have a better sense of it all, and I'm okay with that. It's sad but I feel at peace.

---

I stumbled upon the artist Jesus Leguizamo tonight and I like his stuff. I think this one is called "Gypsy Head".

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