A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence
"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"
"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation
"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes
"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
Think about it
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics
Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius
Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Robbie and Bobby
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Strong Female Protagonist
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Yellow Peril (PG-13)
Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing
Meat and Plastic
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
YU + ME
Pure Flash Awesomeness
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
Clients from Hell
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Avoiding landmines [DP]
Sunday, August 6, 2017
Obviousness disconnect [2P]
Saturday, August 5, 2017
Kind of a break day
Thursday, August 3, 2017
I attended my first gym class since last year. It felt good to be back, although I had a bit of a hard time getting back into the swing of things and following along with the routine for Turbo Kick. Was still fun, just felt a little awkward I guess. I have such terrible bodily awareness, haha. When I'm watching the instructor I get really confused about how to do what they're doing. >_>
Still ran a mile afterwards, so that I could feel like I wasn't just cheating today. It was a slow mile though, 6.8 mph/lvl 1 incline. I guess an 8:49 minute mile is a pretty easy pace, and I don't really get particularly tired from it... just bored.
I'm listening to Kings of Convenience and slipping into sort of a mild melancholy mood. Most of the time I think of this as "contemplative" but it has other connotations... sadness, quiet, tiredness, calm. Maybe a touch of wistfulness, or the kind of acceptance you feel when you remember something that didn't go the way you wanted it to, but it's been long enough now that any pain from it is now only a tiny twinge at the edge of your heart. The feeling you get when you're not fighting something anymore, but occasionally you still think about it and wish it was different.
This band writes the kind of songs that are perfect for this mood. They're relaxing as background music, but they're... thoughtful, I guess.
"The Girl From Back Then" by Kings of Convenience.
And I sat down and said
"I don't want to suffer"
But she told me
She had nothing to offer
"Singing Softly To Me" by Kings of Convenience.
Things seem so much better when
They're not part of your close surroundings
Like words in a letter sent,
Amplified by the distance
Possibilities and sweeter dreams
Sights and sounds calling from far away
Calling from far away
Thinking about my drive to find what I was responsible for in situations that went badly, and how people tell me not to beat myself up over things or not to blame myself for them. Again, one of those things I don't really like that much. I don't want to be told that things are just happening to me and I didn't have any control and am not at fault at all. Not because I think that I'm responsible for EVERYTHING, necessarily, but because through my actions, through my existence, I'm having some kind of impact on my surroundings. It's disempowering to be told that I somehow had no responsibility in a given situation. I'd like to think I'm not a control freak, but it is very important to me to acknowledge when I do have control over things, and I feel that I have some degree of control in almost everything I do (look at me, being all Existential, oh boy). Like the car accident I was in last year... everyone kept trying to comfort me by saying it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could have done to avoid it... I know they were trying to make me feel better, presumably because they assumed I might be feeling guilty about causing the accident, but that was actually a pretty terrible thing to tell me, because now I'm afraid that it could happen again at any moment and there's nothing I can do to prevent it. Even if it sucked I think I would rather have been told that I did something wrong, because at least then I would know not to do that again.
I am okay with bearing the burden of freedom and responsibility, at least most of the time. The vast majority of the time. Being responsible means that I'm at fault for things that go wrong in my life, but it also means that I have the power to change things for the better, and that's what's important to me. When I realized that as a teenager, it changed a lot in my life. Responsibility is not just about guilt, and I am not a helpless victim being tossed around by the whims of the universe. I can direct my life to places I want it to be if I just know where I have control...
Something about support, digressions
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
0.1 mi at 3 mph, lvl 1 incline
1.25 mi at 7 mph, lvl 1 incline
0.4 mi at 3 mph, lvl 1 incline
0.5 mi at 7.2 mph, lvl 1 incline
0.5 mi at 3 mph, lvl 1 incline
0.25 mi at 6.8 mph, lvl 1 incline
= 3 mi total
Slightly less lame but still lame. I don't think I'm eating enough to have energy for running... I did eat today before I went to the gym, but... it's been hot here and I haven't felt hungry, so I kinda just eat like one meal a day and snack a little. >.> At least today I ate... more of a meal than yesterday. My dad bought fish jun from a Korean market, so I had a big bowl of that and rice. Yesterday all I ate for my meal was a little single serving spinach lasagna from Trader Joe's, haha. I feel kinda conflicted because I want to run more, but I don't want to make myself eat more. Bleh.
Browsing Craigslist and saw an eyelash extension model gig that looked fun, although it was posted two days ago, so they might not have any openings anymore. I emailed anyway, figured it couldn't hurt. Would be something to do Sunday/Monday if it works out.
I felt ah... a bit bummed out today, although I'll get over it. Just need some time for things to settle...
"SEE SPACES" by TEETH.
I've been thinking about this recently, and I don't like being... over-validated, I guess. Like I'm hard on myself, I know that, but I kind of... don't like it when people try to take responsibility away from me? Like I appreciate the support but I guess it bothers me the way they do it, sometimes. For instance, the grad school I just left... people were talking to me about it and I know I've been beating myself up over that decision, but everyone tries to validate me by saying "It's okay, you needed to leave," and that's... not true? I didn't "need" to leave. I chose to leave. I could have stayed, I just would have been unhappy. I wasn't failing. I wasn't even close to failing. I was stressed out, and I was anxious a lot, but I wasn't going to die if I stayed there. Maybe I just take the word "need" differently than most people though...
It's hard, because I want to just be able to accept people's support and encouragement, but it doesn't help me when I feel like it's baseless. Like they're just saying something because those are the prescribed phrases for the situation. For example, if I was like "I'm sad" and someone was like "aw, don't worry, things will get better"... That's just... meaningless. It's well-intentioned but it's meaningless. They don't know anything about why I'm sad, they don't know what's going on at all, so how can they know if things will get better? And yeah, yeah, okay, they're just trying to be comforting, I get that. There's nothing wrong with that, it just doesn't help me. In those cases, I think it helps that person more than it helps me, because at least they feel like they tried. I don't have anything against them for it, I just end up feeling a little more tired.
Like I wouldn't want to write a poem and tell someone I wrote a poem and have them just be like "it's great!" without even reading it... What's the point? Are they just saying that it's great because I wrote it? Because that's so blatantly not true. Or is the point that it is subjectively great to them because it came from me? I mean, there's some value in that I guess, but subjective worth only has so much weight, and it doesn't translate across all situations.
It makes me think of compliments... Once, when I was a senior in high school, this girl in my weight training class told me she liked my socks, and I was startled by the compliment (wasn't used to getting them at that point) and awkwardly replied that I liked her shoes. I didn't really like her shoes though, I just felt like I needed to compliment her back to reciprocate. I did think her hair was pretty cool, but that felt like something that wouldn't match up with a sock compliment. Anyway, it feels pretty empty when you just say it for the sake of saying it. I want to be authentic in my interactions.
I definitely digressed there. But um... back to the validation thing... I dunno, like, it's not that I want people to be hard on me necessarily, because I'm already hard on myself... Maybe I've just learned how to take criticism better than validation. Criticism gives me something to fix. Validation... uh... makes me feel like I'm just supposed to sit and do nothing? Feels like people being all "whoa whoa hey, it's alright, calm down, things are okay as they are." And maybe I do need that in some respect, and I've learned how to accept things more, but it doesn't give me anywhere to go.
So ultimately I think that when I talk to people about feeling guilty that I dropped out of grad school, maybe the response I wish I was hearing more was "Yeah, you didn't have to do that, and you could have stayed, but you were unhappy there, and you're here now, so how are you going to move forward?" Because I dissect all this stuff to learn from it, not to be patted on the back. That might be a distinction I'll have to make to my next therapist... Rumination is a pretty common depressive symptom, but I don't think I ruminate... I dissect... If we're taking the definition of rumination as it pertains to depression from Wikipedia...
"Rumination is the focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions."
I don't think this fits me, because I'm very solution-focused. Maybe overly so, sometimes. I'd like to avoid mistakes when I can, but if I make them, then I want to learn something from them so that I don't make the same mistakes again.
I feel bad for people who are trying to comfort me. Nobody ever really seems to know what to do, and I imagine it's quite a challenge to support me emotionally. Sometimes I get tired of trying to reach out and I just stop talking about certain things, because it feels like nobody is saying anything that has an impact, but I don't want to be cynical like that and not trust that other people can help. Still, I think I do kind of believe, on some deep level, that I have to find comfort within myself. Gotta be... self-soothing, haha. And if it's not already in me then it's research time... It's funny what an odd philosophical excerpt here and there can do, with the right wording. This book looks like it could be interesting... Logic Based Therapy and Everyday Emotions: A Case-Based Approach
Fro has been helpful in the past when she's suggested things I hadn't thought about-- mainly simple stuff like keeping track of good things. She also gave me a one-sentence journal that I try to write it every day, and I like that. Practical things. It feels good to have some kind of task or routine to maintain some structure in my life and keep me grounded. Getting practical support is a lot nicer than people trying to talk me through things most of the time, because I get the sense that it's hard to keep up with what I'm thinking, or hard to find the right things to say.
Hoo boy this post got long. So much of the time I'm just staring at my screen with no idea of what to write, but once I actually start on a topic like this, it's just endless. Gonna cut it off here, I've probably rambled enough.
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
I've been really digging this band for a few days. Some sexy beats here.
"Shelter" by TEETH.
I'm in the icebox, hypnotized
Dead in the eyes, spaced out
Hard to find
I'm in the icebox, hypnotized
Playing dead, hands tied
I did go to the gym today, buuuuuuuuuut I forgot to eat today before I went at like 5pm, so I didn't have a lot of energy and only ran a mile. >_> Whoopsadaisies.
0.15 mi at 3 mph, lvl 1.5 incline
1 mi at 6.9 mph, lvl 1.5 incline
0.85 mi at 3 mph, lvl 1.5 incline
Feel kind of lame about it, but next time I'll try to do more. Toward the end of my run I was looking longingly at the fitness class that was starting in the studio next to the treadmills... Didn't feel like I had enough energy for H.I.I.T. though. :(
Mood-wise, I've been feeling good today. Not depressed or anything. I'm looking through r/bayarea and saw this post about abandoned places to explore. I would actually looooooove to get into urban exploring, but I haven't thought about it much in a few years because I found out about it before I could drive, and I also have never had anybody I'd think to go with... but it seems like fun, and aside from travel costs, is free... so maybe someday... One of the comments in that Reddit thread mentioned Mare Island, which I'd never heard about but looks like it's roughly an hour and a half away without traffic. Since Esther and I were climbing stuff we weren't supposed to climb and going places we weren't supposed to go in Hawaii, I've felt a bit less hesitant to trespass, haha. Not that I'd go anywhere I thought was actually dangerous...
Finalized details to hang out next week with a guy from IRC today! That's exciting. Adding another person to my long list of peeps I've met online... We're just going to get Jamba Juice and chill for a bit before I go have a girls' night with Fro and Becka, but I think it's better that way. Just a short hangout to get a feel for things. We get along swimmingly online though, so I can't imagine it'd be that bad in person. The great thing about forcing myself to socialize and be in uncomfortable situations so much is that now I am able to feel almost completely at ease when meeting new people. Even if they're super awkward, I can just roll with it. Boy, what would my teenage self think of me now?
Didn't skip today
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Felt pretty depressed today and was just lying in bed feeling kind of paralyzed with sadness for a few hours, but I dragged myself to the gym and that improved my mood significantly.
0.1 mi at 3.0 mph, lvl 1 incline
1 mi at 6.9 mph, lvl 1 incline
0.4 mi at 3.0 mph, lvl 1 incline
0.5 mi at 7.2 mph, lvl 1 incline
= 2 miles total
Much shorter distance because I was tired, but I also did planks, squats, and burpees with a Bosu ball and did some bicep/tricep stuff with weights. I don't like only running, because it makes me feel like I'm not really working out, but at the same time I feel like I should be putting all of my energy into running so that the 15k I'm doing in January is bearable. If only running wasn't so boring. T_T
I've been listening to this song a lot in the past few days:
"Houdini Crush" by Buke and Gase.
You say you're dead and gone and you're moving on
Beyond the regular rectangular
Forced in burgeoning, come closing in
But still a serious experience
You stay out all night
It was a weapon you could use
To get through all the threads in sight
How you gonna wave hello or goodbye when your hands are tied?
How you gonna wave hello or goodbye when your hands are tied?
How you gonna wave when your hands are tied
To the end of the threads inside
When I got back from the gym, I sat on the couch for a bit because my brother was playing "Tristram" from Diablo on guitar, which is one of my favorite songs, and one of the only ones I like that he plays. I don't know if it's just the intense nostalgia hit or what, but that song always gives me a bit of a shiver, I love it so much.
My brother plays six instruments, going on eight, and has... a variety of other skills. When I think about myself in comparison, I don't feel like I have a lot going on. I mean, I don't think he's "better" than me for having all these hobbies and things he does, but I guess I kind of wish that I had more going on... externally? Because it feels like most of what I do is sort of just in my head, and I dunno, I feel like it comes off like there's just not much to me or something. I go to the gym and I browse the internet and I'm not doing anything else at the moment. :| Would like to start volunteering again, but I feel pressure to get a part time job or something so that I can refill my bank account, which took a big hit because of the Australia tickets. Also would be nice to have more money to invest... And have something to sort of prove to my mom that I'm not a useless leech... She hasn't exactly said anything to that effect but I keep getting vibes from her...
Uninteresting post about running
Friday, July 28, 2017
Went back to the gym today after my rest day yesterday. All I did was use the treadmill. Feel free to disregard the following; this is just for my own records:
0.1 mi at 3.0mph, lvl 1 incline
1.5 mi at 6.9mph, lvl 1 incline
0.4 mi at 3.0mph, lvl 1 incline
0.5 mi at 7.3mph, lvl 1 incline
0.5 mi at 3.0mph, lvl 1 incline
0.75 mi at 7.2mph, lvl 1 incline
0.5 mi at 3.0mph, lvl 1 incline
4.25 mi total
Felt really lightheaded after I got off the treadmill, though it sort of decreased a little while I was stretching. I'm... very tired now. Even though 4.25 miles isn't a lot of distance, I guess the running itself makes it seem like more.
The treadmill said I burned 500 calories, which I'm sure is wildly off, since those are always off to begin with, and since I didn't input my actual age/weight. Oh well. If I was 150 lbs and 35 or whatever the default settings are, hey, maybe I would've burned something around that range.
I guess it's good that I'm tired now, because I have a CPR class tomorrow morning at 9 AM, and I can't be going to sleep at 5 AM in the morning.
Added a new comic to the KtB module.
The Property of Hate
Uh... I don't know, I can't think of a title
Thursday, July 27, 2017
"Osaka Loop Line" by Discovery.
And I tried to catch your eye and then
Walk past you as the train came in
But I missed you there and lost my mind
The morning crowd pushed me behind
I've been listening to this song on repeat for a couple days. It feels, appropriately, like falling further and further behind a train that's rushing by. It's weird, I've been listening to this album in pieces over a period of several years. I think I like three songs from it, and I haven't even heard any of the others. Just every few months or years, a different song from the album comes up somehow, and I listen to it, and I feel iffy about it at first, but it grows on me and then I want to binge on it. The weird thing is that I never have a desire to explore the rest of the album on my own.
Think I might have posted this one before, but it's the other song I really like by this band.
"So Insane" by Discovery.
Ooh baby, you've got me going
So insane, and I just don't know what's
Ooh I try to get off my knees
Try to fight f-f-fight this feeling
But I can't
This song makes me want to dance. Sometimes I kind of want to go to clubs just to dance to loud music in a dark room, but they always play the music too loud, and every time I've gone clubbing (which was like... I dunno... twice? Thrice at most?) I left feeling partially deaf. Plus people are drinking, so it's not really my scene.
I kind of miss being 18 and being in New York and having a little two person dance party in Casey's dorm room, with just the blacklight bulb in her desk lamp on. Even though I was sort of having an emotional breakdown for a lot of my freshman year of college, there were some really fun moments, and they make me miss New York. I wish my last trip there hadn't been so bad. I'd like to go there again and have a better time, someday. When I can afford it... Or maybe if someone takes me again, haha. Pretty much all of my traveling has been on someone else's dime, except for the recent trip to Australia.
Fro was encouraging me to look into county jobs, because she thinks all my volunteer experience would be a big plus, but I feel nervous about it. I think if I wasn't looking into going back to grad school in the next few months, I'd feel a little less hesitant, but I don't feel like I can take any jobs that would be full time... Gotta have something I can fit around a school schedule...
On the plus side, I had an online info session for the school I'm looking at, which was basically a conference call, and I felt really enthusiastic about the school afterwards. I've been feeling kind meh about it for awhile, just kinda feeling like this was what I should do more than anything else, but... the program really does sound appealing to me. I was silently wondering if it was going to have the things I found lacking in my last grad program, but they answered that question before I could even ask it. I feel encouraged.
I'm trying to just take one thing at a time and focus on school matters in the immediate future, but interpersonal stuff is always on my mind, and I guess it always has been. Try as I might, I can't seem to prioritize anything above that. Always thinking about my friendships and other relationships... Everything else feels kind of secondary. It doesn't feel like this is a socially acceptable way to be, though. So much talk about "putting yourself first" and such... Figuring out your career, your dreams, whatever else... But my world revolves around people, and it feels forced, trying to dream of something that's just about me. I feel uncomfortable with individualism in this way, though I know that collectivism isn't some perfect ideal alternative. Maybe I'm just trying to find balance for myself between the two.
Sometimes I get tired of people telling me that I should live for myself more and I should disregard others and not make sacrifices. I don't like feeling like self-sacrifice is some kind of tumor people are trying to cut out of me. It's something I want to do, and something I value, and it feels meaningful to me. And anyway, it doesn't feel like sacrifice when you're eager to give it. If I'm being excessively vague about what I'm sacrificing, I mainly mean time and energy, and sometimes sleep. It feels good to give. Not that I don't have my breaking point... Goodness knows, I hit that last year.
Nobody's really been saying these things to me lately, but it comes up in therapy when I have a therapist, which can be frustrating. It makes me feel like they don't understand. If I care about someone then it doesn't feel like sacrifice to give up some sleep, to spend hours listening to them, to forgo other things I might have done. When Fro calls me on the phone, she pretty much always starts off by asking if I'm doing anything [important] and if I can talk, and there are almost no situations in my daily life that seem particularly important in that moment. If I'm watching something, I can just finish it later. If I'm playing a game, I can pause it or put it away for another time. If I'm reading, well, there are bookmarks for a reason. She also has a tendency to ask in the middle of conversation, "Am I boring you?" and it shocks me every time. I always say "no," but it's accompanied by this feeling of "What else could I even want to do right now?"
It feels like I'm drifting a bit in subject. These things don't feel like sacrifice to me, but I think they come off as sacrifice to other people who value their time and energy differently than I do. Maybe other people have a ton of other things they want to be doing, I don't know... I do get immersed in other activities from time to time, but they all get kind of boring after awhile. Hard to maintain hobbies because of that. My feelings about that are another matter, though...
I never start these posts with any sort of outline, I kind of just ramble and hope that it has some kind of thesis that can be followed. No idea if that happened in this one, but it's almost 5 AM and I can't be bothered to read back and see.
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