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conversations with people who don't know at all what it feels like
Tuesday. 8.27.13 11:52 pm

We're on a busy street corner, and it's still light out.

"Let's say say goodbye here so we don't do the awkward corner thing and stop traffic."

He tugs me along. "I'm gonna cross too and walk you to your apartment."

"No...go ahead to your thing, I'll walk myself."

"No." He continues walking in the direction of my place.

"You realize this is now non-consensual, right?" I say it without even a hint of a smile.

"So? I want to walk you there."


I'm giving up on people at my uni. When someone's desire to do something overrides consent in any action, big or small, that someone is a total nimrod and has no regard for your personal feelings, wants, needs--or lack thereof.

Run real fast. Don't stop running until you find someone who will always respect your wishes.

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on the topic of people I'm not dating???
Monday. 8.26.13 3:08 pm

We're off-topic and discussing Inception during an executive meeting. One person, after getting The Sixth Sense and the current discussion confused, says, "But wait...they're not dead."

My wit bubbles up: "Or are they."

Simultaneously: "Or is he."

Evan and I turn to stare at each other with the same sarcastic, wide-eyed expression.



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Full moon and they all show up on my doorstep
Thursday. 8.22.13 12:02 am

I get to the "Okay great but now I need some space or I'm going to want to kill you" limit quickly. People push it. I may like someone and really enjoy talking to them, but the minute I start being able to expect a daily text, that's too much. You aren't supposed to talk to the people you're dating everyday. That's why you're dating and not in a relationship--there needs to be more time to get comfortable with not only the other person, but the idea of being attached to that other person in a meaningful way...and man, I am just not about the daily contact life, when I'm not in a relationship. It's getting to me.

I hate having the talk, but it's getting to the point where he's getting kind of almost hostile? I haven't been avoiding talking to him, but I do try to keep conversation at a minimum. I've also gone on with my life as usual, whereas he's trying to invite me over/out, several times a week, even after I've said that I'm really busy with my eighteen hour class load, two executive positions in major organizations, campus job, tutoring hours, and campus LGBTQ* ally position, not to mention the fact that everyone just got back on campus, which means that I WANT TO SEE PEOPLE OTHER THAN HIM.

He told me he wouldn't collaborate with me on a volunteer activity, and that was the last straw, when it came to me putting up with his demeanor. His new organization is just getting off its feet, so I decided a collab with a larger organization might help get the name out there to the freshmen. Obviously, he didn't agree. In fact, he told me that I shouldn't have told him I needed the date I did, to volunteer there, because he was then likely to take it and give it to his organization.

I ignored his texts for five minutes, while he basked in his own sassy victory, and e-mailed the volunteer coordinator, right then and there, to secure not only some of the spots for that day, but ALL OF THEM, as a show of graceful, merciless retribution. Then, I e-mailed the president of my organization and let her know that his organization doesn't want to collaborate with us on any volunteer events.

We got the date and she marked him off our list. That's a hundred students we won't be sending your way.

Playing ball like my affections would hold me back from making the business decision. Have we met.

A certain person I used to talk about more sat outside my apartment building, on a bench, blatantly drunk, eating a sandwich, at one in the morning, the other night. He kept talking (via text) about the bench in that all-too-familiar way that said, "Please come sit with me," but I'm really trying to turn over a new leaf, here, and sometimes he makes me feel like a hard addict. It would seem that he has a similar problem.

I guess that's what always confused me, most of all. I'm making my way through it and trying my best to guide him towards friendship. My couch is always available, if he's too drunk to get home, as is a ride in my car so he doesn't have to walk it. And he knows that. But the romantic side of me is no longer on the table.

Mike struck up conversation with me, too--the same day. He came directly over to me and started talking like we hadn't been silent for six months, as well (but far more gladly, on my part, than my other six-month silence). Later, he texted me saying that he liked my smile, and that I looked at him like I wanted to run him over or possibly impale him. I told him I didn't.

I did.

He had the gall to talk to me like nothing happened--no attempt at an apology, just, "I hope there are no hard feelings."

Hard feelings?

Honey, all you ever had for me were hard feelings. I've never been in a relationship so devoid of affection, before, and hopefully never will, again. The way you left things was so messed up and incredible that I never wanted to speak to you again. The only reason I didn't run you over is because I didn't want to have to drag your tall-ass body to a dumpster. That, and my car was a block away, and you weren't worth the walk.


--This isn't everything that happened. Not even close. There were a couple of good reunions with people I used to date, and a couple not even worth the mention, but generally...they're coming in packs. I avoided Facebook chat for several days, just to make sure the older, graduated ones couldn't start up, too, and just seriously, I don't know what's going on, but the past few days have just been hella weird.

I've officially had the same phone number for too long.

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Thursday. 8.15.13 7:05 pm
I had this excellent blog typed up, until my computer decided to go ahead and crash. Now I have nothing, not even my dignity.

Never let me drink and blog

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