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Tuesday. 5.4.04 10:56 pm
Ooh... man am i fucking stupid. seriously. this is me being a dumb fuck. what the hell was i thinking? i just like walked into that WAY to easily... i slightly suspected it but then decided against believeing that it was actually happening. man i walked straight into that. its kind of bothersome. it really is. the stupid kid. ah. i sigh. play mind games on priscilla. yes. easy prey. once again why the hell do i hang around fucking assholes? why. man... i really cant believe i walked right into that. ok its official. NO ONE and i mean NO ONE will ever come close to knowing me. i am going to be the biggest fucking fake around people and they will have no clue what so ever as to who i am. that fucking asshole. no one. and i mean no one can i trust. there is no one. fuck. jessica understood and i trusted her. she never fucking abused it or anything. ok. i learned the hard way. AGAIN. ok. dont trust anyone. dont. there is no one to trust. no one worthy. no one. i really am stupid for listening to that shit and actually telling him shit. what the fuck is wrong with me. i think i really need help man. no wait i dont. he does. fuck him. goddamn i cant believe i walked into that. ah stupid cunt fuck...why are people such fucking liers. why do i listen. why. ah... i'm tired of talking to them. i want summer to come. fuck this whole D&D and Magic shit. no fuck that. fuck them all. If i cant trust anyone why waste my precious summer on them. i have other things to fucking do. goddamn assholes.

man i feel stupid. ok, not going to eat lunch there anymore. i can go sit by my self somewhere or travel to the f's room... i can sit on the other side of the room, i can get rid of this. stupid asshole. i hate kids who lie to me. tell me the fucking truth. its what i tell you might as well do the same thing. fuck em all. goddamn it. i'm not pissed cause the kid really isnt worth being pissed at but i'm annoyed with my self. why didnt i see it earlier. why didnt i catch it. why did i allow my self to do that? wtf is wrong with me? i really have gone down hill since jessica left. my guard has been down. i guess i just needed to show someone the real me. well WRONG. thats not going to happen ever again. trust me. never again. that was stupid. really stupid. i'm done with that. done.

ugh. i'm so annoyed. fucking annoyed like shit. this just adds to my belief that there are no decent people out there. noone worth talking to. no one worth my time. fucking no one. i had the perfect friend and thats lost. there is no one out there.all of them are SHIT. all of them. fucking a. sigh. i told the kid shit about me. well, so be it. things happen like that. unfortuantly i just cant stop it this time. i usually do, i usually fucking stop it but i dont know. i let this happen. why who knows. but i did. i cant run this time, moving wouldnt be that good, and plus one stupid person is not worth it. NOT WORTH IT. fucking shit head. i have no respect seriously. i thought the kid was decently interesting and not like the rest of the stupid fucks in school. i thought the kid was i dont know, not worthless and pointless in existance. then i see this. and i'm like FUCK are there no people out there who are worth breathing? please, they are all fucking pathetic. seriously. they all suck ass. he talks about how everyones fucking stupid and whatever in school. he's the same thing. oh well. you win some you lose some. this one i lost. there will be others...

sigh. how did i not see this. please tell me. man i hate being blind but thats my problem i cant the things that are right there staring me in the face. its like i refuse to see it. so i dont know. i'm changing again. i'm going isolate my self. change friends. there are other people to talk to, and even then, i dont have to talk to them.

disapointment sucks.
when its your own fault
even worse.


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Sunday. 5.2.04 11:12 pm
covert thoughts....

MmMm.... lovely...

this kid was bleeding on the bus, and as horrid as this sounds (add tacky) but, goodness was it sexy. terrible isnt it? he cut his hand and oh my... my oh my. i mean the kid's just good looking to begin with, interesting too, but when he cut his finger and took it so well, MmMm... must admit that is sexy. i'm sick...

but i cant help but think the way i do. ah, it was lovely. the blood, and the wound was open, but it wasnt too big. AND it was on his hand, ( i have a slight attraction for hands, nice ones) it was perfect. beautiful.

i'm sick. eh...

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Wednesday. 4.28.04 9:15 pm
revamp. i watched rojo today. he's starting to bother me. seriously. i dont know. i'm tired of dealing with assholes, and being friends with them. i think its time for a total revamp of my friends. what ever few still exist. i dont know. we shall see...

alot of people have existed in my life that dont anymore. thats a good thing. the past happened. life will happen. its cool.

currently optimistic, and i'm keeping it damn it. life is good. nationals are free now. FUCK YES. Recognition from the RISD board of trustees, studying for shit, getting things done, making some new interesting friends. its good. i'm good...

AHDKUFHIUSDHKFDHFkhiudslhfsdhfiULHDSFILHhnf life is good.
(and i made that assertion before all of this good. so FUCK YES!)

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Tuesday. 4.27.04 10:32 pm
this is priscilla being optimistic. the first time in a very very long time. and it is quite suprising. i'm enjoying it...

Life, Live it.

Interesting enough. I do have a crush. like that song from gavin degraw, i've got a crush. maybe it was rushed. yep. this whole crush thing, its nice. its horrid, its a number of things but oh well. i fell into liking him way too fast. maybe it was rushed.

ok. but you know what i think i'm in a good mood. i'm going to try to pull my self out of this damn depression. i will not sit and die under this supression i can do better then this. i can love, i can see the beauty in the blue silloutes, the dark skies, and loving spotlights. i can see this. sitting in my room, as a blue light over whelms me, as it baths me, as i watch it transform me. I see the silouetes of trees watching me, the cold rushing in, the night setting in, its going to be a beautiful life. i'm not always optimistic, but then again i cant always be pessimistic, i have to live this funny thing called life, i have to see what there is to be. and feel the music run through me, maybe its time for a change, maybe its time for a revalation. maybe its time.

the morning will come, the sun will rise and maybe just maybe i'll crack that rare true smile. maybe. we'll see. i can love life. no matter what comes, believe in self, believe in what is. believe in what i should become. what i will become. boys will come in due time, but i, i am only here once, make it last, make it worth it, make it mine. unique, untouched, just me mine.

So things have happened So what, things will happen. let me live now. let me see, stand up resist the bow, live. there are reasons, there are whims, there are many things but hey, its cool, but hey, live it. be it, see it Stop sitting there whining, (though i know i will) stop killing your self, cause life, life isnt like that. you'd be dead other wise. get up. plain and simple.

i'm not content but then again, i am all to full of
life to lay down and consent. i will not. i cannot. the wind rushes and blows me aways, the cold, hits and chills me inside, the weather lives, for me and all everything outside. It'll be beautiful, nothing will be as full, as radiant, as complete as it will be. as my life will be. As my life is now. i may be blind to so much, and so many but hey, i am adolecent. i will have my whims. but i cant sit anymore. i cant see the world anymore, the movies are taking over, every moment a scene in my movie, beautifuly and whimically crafted for that moment, that memory for me. clarity. there is always more. let it glow, let it pass by, let the wind blow...

live, be, exist, take it in. i order you, other wise you might as well be dead, and me, i could care, i will be here, among the living and undead.

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Saturday. 4.24.04 11:26 pm
I forgot my necklace today. that was bothersome. hrm. today was boring like hell but interesting enough if that makes anysense. half of it was a cruel replay of being in the car, the other half was not interesting but i noted a number of things. I went to some tutoring thing today for um, what do you call it, oh extra credit (i have to make an A in math) and half the time was actually kind of helping these kids (mexicans) on their math then they left and i had an hour to sit around and joke with jason and joey. both really cool kids. joey is no doubt cool, hes a red head, funny like shit, and intelligent. that kid'll do well when he grows up. jason, an interesting little dude, who i know isnt little at all. this good looking jewish sophmore whos really smart but slacks like noneother. of course my type of person. no hes funny.

hrm, odd. sorry for the abrupt change in subject but my brother came in and we had a tickle fight following a nice quaint conversation. how i do love my brother. but then my mother called and we got up and followed her voice. she then proceceded to ask him a number of questions as to what he would care to eat for dinner. Unable to really comprehend her questions and slightly unwilling he just mimicked her. not the wisest of choices. she got him a glass of water when suddenly he fell on to the ground and she of course got "POed" she then yelled to her hearts content at him while i protested, it was an honest accident. she sent me to pick the clothes up and leave him be, apparently he's too rowdy at the moment....

odd. she hasnt been like this in a while. i mean, shes been nice for the past two weeks and then its like shes regressing back to the same old mom. the one who yells, is impatient, and hates us. damn, and i was so begining to enjoy her company. things happen. i wont change them...

anyways back to my first story. where was i? oh yeah, jason, no an interesting character. hes cool. smart, good looking, dorky, and probably unaware. eh. another person to possibly chill with over the summer. but the conversation is interesting...

i was thinking and i found why i dont like alot of people. i cant keep a conversation going thats worth anything. i mean, if i have to keep dropping subjects all of the time to keep things going interesting then i of course am not going to like them. i like for someone else to instigate the conversation. i dont like instigating it though of course i will if a long enough pause in conversation occurs. but, today, talking with jason and joey they mostly kept the conversation going and it was quite refreshing. i really do enjoy those kind of people, you dont have to give them something to talk about, they come up with it on their own. thats why i can talk to jamie and whit during second period. they keep conversation going. thats why i like strong so much, he keeps the conversation going, for the most part. the people i deem interesting keep conversation going. I try to talk to other people but i cant seem to make the same conection where they will feel comfertable enough to keep the chitter chatter up. i dont know. its just something that i happened to come by.

i was talking to strong (hah) and we happened to pass the subject about me being scary. now i refuse to think that i really am that truly scary. yes, i have my off points but oh well. then we began to note some reasons as to why i would be scary. ok he has a point. we were talking before and his teacher was walking by and she had a limp, well i had the sudden urge to take a chain saw, that exact moment, and cut her legs out from under her. just because it would interesting and funny to watch. unfortuantly i thought it would be ok to say that around strong because well it seemed he could put up with my quirky antics. how suprised he was. hrm. ok one reason as to why i would be scary. yeah, that stuff goes through my head all the time, like i was on the bus and the kids on the bus were yelling at a girl jogging by, and i imagined in my head, that the girl jogging suddenly pulled out a small handgun and shot one of those stupid kids in the head, i imagined the blood spatter, the screams, and all. I smiled. but those kind of things i dont say out loud. i keep those thoughts in my head. i really dont like to vocalize them because most people really dont know me and they might not be to appreciative of my thoughts. the only people i voice those kinds of things around are like, my third period (but only a mild form) and strong, maybe ju once in a while. and of course jessica. she is the only person on earth who wouldnt be weirded out by me at all, and would even expect them. the only time shes weired out by me is when i say really stupid kiddy things like, "lets hold hands" some stupid shit but she still anticipates them. man.... but strong cant see how i am inside, no one can. i dont know. today at tutoring i sat in the back during lunch, all by my self, and read my time magazine (an article about the Mob, my heros) and i was completly content. maybe thats the way its suppose to be, i'm suppose to be alone. haha. i didnt even have to get up to get my food, this girl and her friends sat next to me and i ignored them but she was my aquantanice and she brought me food. Hah. nice. I love that. minimal amount of work for me. and then she left and i was relieved. haha. i like being by my self. the only thing i regreted was that jason left, it would have been more interesting if he stayed. i dont know. should i be alone for the rest of my life where no one will understand me , no one will be able to tolorate my antics. i dont know. i dont want it to be like that but what can i do. when i think someone kind of gets it, they call me scary. he may think its cool, but i dont know if i can releash the rest of my mind around him. what would he do then?

i dont know...

of course i must add this small blurb before i explode. the interesting escalates. i need him out of my head. but he sticks. hah. i am the dumbest person on earth. i need to look into other exploits but this one sticks, and i find my self .... i dont know.


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Intense Babble, Have fun.
Tuesday. 4.20.04 8:57 pm
mood: contemplative

Its quiet contemplative time in priscilla world again. its a time for reflection, assesments, and conclusions. i dont know. i was talking to my sister and she said something about somebody being weird and i was like "i'm weird." and my mother chimes in because shes been listening to the whole conversation and says "your not weird, you try to be weird but your not." and the tone, the words, the look on her face, really caught my attention. oh i know this. but then again dont. but the way she talked to me, or told that to me, the way i tell things to other people. "your not really sad, you just like to be..." or "stop trying to make people laugh, your fine the way you are" i watch people and i like to see those things in people. its a hobby. and my mother did it to me. i know for sure i am chalkful of flaws, hypocritcal ones, shallow ones, stupid ones but i like to ignore my self, i like to ignore the fact that I exist, or atleast these problems do. i acknowledge that they are here, exists, and live but i try not to focus on them. theres a deep seated hate for myself somewhere in there and if i look for my flaws then i usually stumble upon this deep resivior of self hate. i dont like that. but my mom telling me like that. that really got to me. hit me. she knows so much that i think she doesnt know but then again knows so little as to what i really am. i tried for a while to let the real me out but all i really did was hide it more with what i wanted to be and not with what i really was. Today talking to this kid, well we came upon the subject of how i am really never the real priscilla. i've been myself infront of one person. well two counting my self. jessica and me. thats it. shes the only person i have ever felt just comfertable enough to be just me. of course there are parts of me even she didnt see but she knew that they existed, that they lived just underthe skin, and i didnt have to bring that part of my self out. man. one person in my whole life. sad but true. i'm always a certain person for everyone. i adapt my self to them to make them happy and keep out of conflict. i admit underneath i guide them to where i want them to be, where i choose for them to be and then i'm satisfied. there are different types of friendships out there and by being a certain person you can create anyof those friendships. well most of them. and in school, every "person" i am is to create a certain type of friendship, mostly to get them off my back, entertainment, or i just like the person. i enjoy the person's company and some of those "people" that i am, are much much closer to the real me then others. people to i want off my back, they know NOTHING about the real priscilla. people for entertainment, a little closer, keeps them entertaining. and then people who i just enjoy their company, yeah, alot closer to who i really am. i tell those people things that i dont tell most people. If you really look at it no one really knows me. (with the exception of jessica who i will always hold dear to my heart) they dont know the history, the things that have happened. People everywhere have bits and peices, but never the whole story. i like it like that. i hide my self yes. i am incrediby fake, yes. i also let on more then i think, yes. but thats me. thats how i function. i grew up striving for attention where there was none to give. i am a very quiet person, i like to be solitary. i dont like most of the people out there. but after my upbringing i have become a talkative attention hog. when i was a kid, i desperatly needed attention. i never got it. so i found other ways to get it. i learned how to entertain, how to adapt my self to different people, i learned how to hide the real me to survive. thats why i'm like this. life can be an interesting place at times. people can be interesting at times. people will do what they do to survive, and then those traits become habit. i've gotten ALOT better since oh i dont know seventh grade but then again, old habits die hard. this is my own fault. but i dont know how to live anyother way.

i dont want to think about this anymore. so i wont.

my two interesting people have dropped back down to one. i think the second was just a stupid i dont know what to do with number one so i'm going to create something so i can get this one kid out of my mind. yeah that really worked. haha. i dont know. its not bad to like a person. nope. but the way my life works is that i always like the interesting ones that are impossible to get. its a safety zone because i know i'll be rejected so i never have to commit to anything. but its just fun liking the kid, i have fun. all the other people arent interesting enough. and plus of course i like a challenge. all of my ex's were challenges that i wanted to see if i could get. sad but true. i honestly liked most of them. but liking someone and giving them your heart, not the best thing when they know it. its safer to just be friends and have them not know. that way, bad things dont happen. pain doesnt ensue. i dont know. priscilla- caution. i almost began to brake that cycle with jessica's help. but shes gone now, and i stopped that. plus that persons interesting level plumeted when i didnt see him, EVER. i'm content with this right now. i like it. its fun. and anyways i have a whole life to live that holds who knows what? why change?

thats stupid of me to say, but its easier than saying that i will change.

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