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I'm sick of this place, you have no idea
Monday. 4.9.07 6:44 pm
I'm so fed up with my job, its insane. Today was just a really freakin long ass day. It was busy cuz I had to make up for the weekend {though we were closed yesterday, it must have been busy Saturday cuz we were out of a lot} And then customers were coming in an almost constant stream. Not busy, but steady. Which is even worse; I'd rather it be 2 hours of busy and then nothing instead of 4 hours of every 10, 15, 20 minutes. It blows.

I have tomorrow off, but then I don't have off again until next Tuesday. Like ... four people requested Saturday off again so I have to fill in. Fuck this job.

On a different note, I've narrowed it down to Justin and Stuart. I'm not really sure which one I want more. I want both of them, but for different reasons. The reason David is out of the picture is cuz I confronted him about what happened on Friday in the office and I made sure {for my own knowledge} that it was a one time thing and that it wouldn't happen again. He agreed that it was just a one time thing. It also means though, that we're cool again. That was sort of a test, I guess, to determine if it would be uncomfortable as it would have been in the past. But since it wasn't everything is back to normal for us. I'm glad that its back to normal, but the fact that it took two years isn't saying much. Whatever.

Anywho, I want Justin because I like being able to hang out and go out with him. I'm comfortable going out places with him. And he makes me feel good. But when it comes to the physical attraction, its just not there. Gary seems to think I'm just using him to get free shit; which is not the case. When I have the money available, I'm gonna start paying for stuff regardless if Justin wants me to. This will {sort of} make up for the fact that I'm not giving him anything physically.

With Stuart, the physical attraction is there. And I like going out places with Stuart. Its just that with his jam packed schedule and my odd schedule, we hardly have time to see one another. He was here last night for a few hours and there's a possibility he'll be over again tonight. I somehow doubt he'll make it tonight though. Oh well. I can hope right?

I hate not being sure about this. This sort of makes me feel like I'm back in high school. You would think it wouldn't be too hard to decide; just weigh out the pros and cons of each situation and determine it that way. But I'm one to have the bad habit of over-analyzing things so its not that simple for me.

Ugh.

I bought more Wheat Thins {the Sundried Tomato and Basil kind} and two more pints of Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. I also bought more food food, but that's not as important to me as the Wheat Thins and Ben & Jerry's.

Alright, I'm gonna chow down on my Wheat Thins and watch Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel. I'll write again whenever.

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A weekend of unsure thoughts
Sunday. 4.8.07 3:04 pm
My mind has been full of thoughts this weekend. All revolving around three guys and my inevitable departure from Tucson. ~This is probably going to be a long entry so make sure you have the time to read it, but only if you want to~

Guy # 1: Justin
I've known Justin since I started working at the restaurant. He worked there as a pie person/kitchen cook. He was 17, getting ready to graduate high school and go off to college. After a few months of crazy crushes on various different guys {mostly from work} I started crushing on him. He came over once and we made out, but nothing more. Then he graduated and moved and I lost contact.

Every-so-often, when he would get a break from school, he'd come back to Tucson to visit his family. A couple times he came up to the restaurant and I'd be happy to see him and to hear that he was doing well. But other than that, I never kept in touch. I'd ask Lance about him once in a while, but each time it was the same; Justin was doing fine and he was happy.

Justin moved back to Tucson about a month ago and I knew this cuz he came up to the restaurant and told me that he was back. He'd grown. He looked older than the 17 year old that left. Though he's still only 19, he looks old enough to pass for legal drinking age without being carded {to which I'm very jealous since I'm close to actually being 21 and I'm just now passing for 18}

I requested his friendship on Myspace {cuz I was at an even number of friends and that would have brought me to an odd number; don't ask, I have no explaination}. Well about 2 weeks ago, he sent me a message via Myspace asking if I'd like to go out sometime. He probably would have called, but he didn't have my number. I found his number that I had from back in the day and texted him to see if it was still his. It was and that's how we ended up getting together and going out.

I enjoyed the date very much and I really want to do it again. I'm trying hard not to get involved though cuz I don't want to be hurt and I don't want him to be hurt when I leave. Right now, its fairly easy, but I'm sure if we continue to go out, it'll prove to be rather difficult as time passes. The only thing I can do is have fun, not think about it and see what happens. Not as easy as it sounds.

Guy # 2: David
I've known David for just as long as Justin, seeing as how I met them both at work. I had a much stronger crush on David and we had one night together. Afterwards, I became too attached for his liking {and now that I think about it, I was being rather ridiculous} and we couldn't work together. After time, we were able to talk and work out our issues, but it was still uneasy being around each other.

Two years have passed since the incident and you could never tell that there ever was a problem between us. We're able to talk and joke and play around. I guess maybe there will always be something that I feel for him, but I know not to push my luck. I know that there will never be anything there between us.

I was elated on Friday when he held me the way he did and kissed my neck. It made me so happy, I had to actually calm myself down before Justin showed up. But I've been thinking about David since then and I'm trying not to get carried away with my thoughts and I'm doing my best not to hope for more. Right now its proving easier than I thought it would be.

Guy # 3: Stuart
I've only known Stuart for the last couple months and we've only really been talking and such for the last month. Though he doesn't work up at the restaurant anymore, we still talk often.

I don't necessarily want to go out with Stuart, but I want him to come over. I want him to be here with me. I still want to be invovled with him in a way. But as much as I've tried to get him to come over, it hasn't happened yet. I'm not terribly bothered by it though. I'm not sure what's going to happen between us, but I guess I'll find out soon enough.


Justin is the guy who is my main focus right now. As much as I want to be with someone my age, the fact that he's a year younger than me isn't bothering me like it usually would. Maybe its cuz he looks older and acts older. I'm not sure. I was happy when I was out with him. I know that I was happy when I went out with Stuart, but this was different. Its hard to explain the difference in happiness, but there is a difference.

I'm confused right now about why this is happening and where its all going to go. I have one explaination for it, although it might not be the real reason. I'm moving in 3 months. No ifs, ands or buts. My departure from Tucson, AZ is inevitable. I'm thinking that maybe Justin, David and Stuart are becoming suddenly interested in me because of that reason. They can all have {or attempt} a 3 month long fling with me knowing that I'll be leaving and there will be no string attached.

I'm okay with it to some extent. I mean, I want to have fun in my final three months here, but I don't want to get too carried away or too involved. I'm hoping it proves to be a much easier task than I think it is.

Anywho, I think I'm done. Those are just some of the thoughts racing through my head right now. I'm also thinking about finishing my taxes and working my ass off so as to save up money. And just various other odd thoughts about my current state of life. I know that this was long, but it much easier to type it all up than write it down. My hands don't hurt as much.

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my date
Saturday. 4.7.07 2:41 am
It actually went considerably well. I was not expecting it to be as nice as it was. I'll complain about work later, but I do have to say that our date had to be pushed back an hour cuz I got held up at work. We still had plenty of time to go out.

He came over when I told him to and we sat for about 10 minutes trying to find something for a 20 yr old and a 19 yr old to do in Tucson on a Friday night. Since there's not much to do for someone under 21 in this place, neither of us could think of anything.

That's when I realized it was 9:10pm and I hadn't eaten anything yet. So I was suddenly hungry. I started naming all these places that I would like to go and had never been, but I didn't want any of that tonight. There was one place, however, that I wanted, but hadn't had in years {we're talking back in '98 being the last time I was there}

He took me to Red Lobster. We were there for about an hour and a half just talking and joking and eating. I quite enjoyed myself. After we were done with dinner, we still wanted to find something to do, but since it was after 11 most everything was closed, including the movies so we just drove.

There was no destination, but it was really nice. We talked and watched the moon rise and talked some more. This is when I realized 'maybe I do like him...' I told him that we'd have to do this again sometime. It made me feel good. It almost felt right.

When we came back into town {we ended up driving to the next town over; altogether we were driving for about an hour} we came back to my place and hung out. Since we both like Dane Cook {and there was nothing on TV} I put in Dane Cook's Vicious Circle. He stayed for the two hours that it was on and then left. He had to go home cuz he's going to Phoenix tomorrow to hang out with the guys. I kinda wanna go cuz I want to get drunk too, but since its just the guys, I'm not allowed and I'd just get in the way anyway.

Anywho, something happened at work just before I left, but that's for another entry. I worked about 9 or 10 hours today and I'm kinda tired so I'll write about work and the happenings sometime tomorrow.

BTW, I've reached $10 It was just kinda nice to see that I'm no longer in single digits.

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3 more months
Thursday. 4.5.07 10:10 pm
I have 3 more months until my last day at work and I'm looking unbelievably forward to it. I didn't have a bad night or anything, but I'm just so sick of my job its unreal.

I have 6 more months until my 21st b-day also. That's the only other good thing I'm looking forward to after the move. I'm gonna have so much fun and I'm gonna get so wasted.

Anywho, guess who decided to answer my texts? Yep, Stuart. Not only that, but he called me as well. It was to ask about work things. He's a douche. My annoyance at him didn't disappear as much as I thought it would when he texted me and called me. So this is a good thing, I might be getting over my liking him. He said he'd be up at work tomorrow to turn in his uniform and to pick up his last check, which is a whole $41.

Tomorrow night I'm going out with an old friend that I haven't seen in almost two years. When he graduated in '05, he moved away to go to college and he just recently moved back to Tucson. About a week ago, he sent me a message {via myspace cuz he didn't have my number} asking if I wanted to go out sometime. Since I haven't seen him in a while and it means I don't have to pay for anything, I said yes. Minor problem: he likes me. As in, he thinks us going out is a date. That's where I have the problem. I don't like him in the same way. Ugh. How do I manage to get myself into these kinds of situations?

Alright I don't know what else to say. I had more stuff to write about, but then I started watching something on TV and got distracted so I forgot. Oh well. I'll write again tomorrow {and let you guys know how the 'date' went}

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A day of BS
Wednesday. 4.4.07 7:40 pm
The title pretty much sums up how my work day went. It started with a $175 order that had to be ready and out by 11, but the closing manager last night turned off the ovens so they weren't hot enough to cook food first thing this morning.

See, we have brick ovens and it takes about an hour and a half for them to heat up to 500 degrees. If we have a big order like that first thing in the morning, we leave at least one of the ovens on all night so that its hot in the morning when we need it. Well, since they were turned off last night, they weren't hot enough to cook pizza in by the time we needed them. The order ended up being about 40 minutes late. Needless to say the customer was not very happy.

That's how the day started so both the manager/driver and the pie person was not happy. That didn't help my mood any. I was already still bothered by last night and today didn't help much.

The only good thing that happened today was that when I got my paycheck I saw that there was about 6 hours of overtime on it. So more money for me. Other than that, the day was just a bunch of bullshit.

I want to see Stuart tonight, but I want him to want to see me. I don't want to text message him or call him. I want him to contact me and for him to want to come see me. I have a feeling that's not going to happen. The thing that bugs me right now about it is that I'm annoyed at him, but when I do get a text from him, its hard for me to stay annoyed. That's the main thing bothering me right now. Whatever.

I kinda wanna call Justin, but I'm not sure if the number I have is the right one. I don't want to call cuz if its not, then I just called a wrong number. But if it is, I don't want to interupt anything that he might be doing {such as working}. I texted Lance to see if he'd give me Justin's number, but I haven't gotten a response back. Oh well.

I'm glad that modules and avatars and such are working again. Seeing MJ on a regular basis was really starting to annoy.

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Oh so bored
Tuesday. 4.3.07 6:03 pm
I've been bored all day. Lance was supposed to come over at some point earlier, but then he texted me telling me he wasn't going to make it cuz he had to finish a paper that was due tonight. It didn't bother me any.

Stuart finally answered my texts, but since its Tuesday {hockey night} there's little to no chance of seeing him or even holding an elongated conversation. *sigh* Whatever.

I think they're done painting for today cuz when I went downstairs to check my mail, they were packing everything up. It looks all weird cuz half the building is done, but the other half they haven't gotten to yet. Hopefully they'll have it done within the next couple days.

There has been absolutely nothing on TV today. I've had it on, but its been muted and this is the 3rd or 4th time I'm listening to my playlist. I think its kinda funny how I chose to put Sum 41, The Bravery and Chevelle on my playlist and then a couple weeks later the radio station I listen to announces them as three of the bands playing at KFMA Day. Oh well. Its funny to me.

I put in my request for that day off from work. Saturday is usually my day off, but I wanted to make sure that Gary knew not to schedule me even if other people request it off. I plan on buying Katie and my tickets come this weekend after I get paid.

I've been chowing down on not-so-healthy food today. Wheat thins, ice cream, a lean pocket, a few Chips Ahoy cookies, more wheat thins and a Reese's peanut butter egg. Mostly wheat thins though. Oh well. I'm eating them in moderation.

I want to go out and do something, but I have no idea what to do. This is Tucson. Even on Friday there's not much to do, let alone on a Tuesday. Three more months and I'll be able to find shit to do. Las Vegas has much more that I can do. Especially after I'm 21.

There's nothing to do. There's nothing to say. I guess this entry is done.

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