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*big long ass sigh*
Saturday. 5.12.07 11:54 pm
I'm still pissed that I had to work tonight, but it wasn't uber {or even super} busy so I wasn't running around trying to keep everyone caught up. An hour and a half before we closed, it died so I didn't have to worry about customers at all for the remainder of the night. I didn't make labor, but the only thing I could have done was get people off the clock sooner. But since I didn't do that and I didn't make labor, I'm expecting Gary to get all pissy with me. What-the-fuck-ever.

Anywho, I really wish I could have seen Justin tonight. I know I saw him last night, but I don't know when I'll see him again. I know I won't see him tomorrow because I have to work tomorrow night and its Mother's Day so he's going to be spending time with his mother. Maybe I'll see him Monday or Tuesday. I can only hope right?

I'm sore right now. Part of it is because I fell asleep on the floor last night and I can't sleep on the floor. I can't even really lay on the floor. Due to my hip problem, I need cushion. My left hip {the one I had most of my weight on} is killing me. I can't walk right cuz I'm in pain. Sometimes this hip problem makes me feel old.

The other part is from all the crying I did this morning; my abs and rib cage are sore. My abs hurt worse though. I can't even laugh without having the instant knowledge that my abs hurt. I'm hoping that at least my hip is better by morning. I can deal with my abs and ribs being sore for another day.

Alright, I don't know what else to say so I'll write again whenever.

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I can't do this anymore
Saturday. 5.12.07 10:50 am
This was supposed to be a good entry where I'm happy, but alas, that's not the case. So if you don't feel like reading about me being upset and pissed off I'd advise that you not read further.

First off, last night was fun. I went to Tiffany's Gong Show. The high school drama kids put it on. Justin was with me so I had an even better time. After the show it was 10:30 so it was a little to late for us to go out to do anything so we came back to my place and watched Waiting... If you've ever worked in a food industry, you need to watch that movie cuz you will laugh your ass off. Even if you haven't worked in food, you should still watch the movie, but you won't understand some of the things that go on. I was apparently more tired than I thought cuz I dozed off while cuddling with him. He woke me up at 1:30am cuz he had to go home. I didn't want him to leave, but I knew he had to. I knew I'd see him today anyway. Or so I thought.

Which brings us to the shitty part. I have to work tonight. I have no choice about it either. Today is my day off. I had already made plans with Justin, but now they can't happen. I'm so sick of working at this place. I was going to say no, but I couldn't. Not because I myself couldn't say no, but I just couldn't. I have to work tonight cuz there's no one else who can cover the shift.

Why? Why the fuck does this have to happen to me? I mean, did I do something wrong to deserve this? At this point having to work when I don't want to, I almost consider a punishment.

I hate this. I hate having to cancel all of my plans just to accomidate other people. And at this point its not just myself that I'm hurting. I'm making the plans with Justin and having to cancel them, I'm hurting him too. I hate having to do that. I don't just get pissed off anymore. The tears are flowing now.

I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I could just quit my job and live out the rest of my lease without working about it. But since living a decent {although sometimes shitty} life isn't free. I have a little over 7 weeks of bullshit and torture before I'll be done with work.

But I'm living through conflicting feelings right now too. I can't wait to be done with work so that I can leave, but I want to spend as much time as I can with Justin. I don't want to leave him. But I can't have both, and I'm not staying in Tucson just so that I can stay with him. It sucks having to deal with this. Being really happy one moment to becoming just completely and utterly depressed another moment is not good.

Depression fucks with my eating. Meaning I don't. At all. I didn't eat anything yesterday and I probably won't eat anything today either. Who knows if I'm going to eat anything Sunday. I would have eaten today had I not gotten the phone call telling me that I had to cancel my plans with Justin and work tonight {they didn't say that cuz they didn't know I had made plans, but that's what it sounded like to me}

It may sound weird, but the tears that came tell me two things: one, I really fucking hate my job {which I didn't need reminding in} and two, I care more about Justin than I had originally wanted to. I didn't want to get attached to Justin cuz I knew I was leaving, but I did anyway.

Fuck. I don't even know what to say anymore. And I need to stop crying so that I can actually focus on the screen. My eyes are starting to hurt from both crying and trying to focus on the screen through the tears. So I guess that's it for this entry.

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Thursday. 5.10.07 10:43 am
So, I was supposed to see Justin yesterday, but it didn't happen. He had to fix the brakes on his car before he could go anywhere and seeing as how he didn't call me when he was done, I'm guessing that it was late when he finished and he just went to bed. I'm not terribly bothered by it cuz I know that his car needs work, but I haven't seen him in almost a week. Its good that we don't see or talk to each other every day, that we give one another personal space, but ... I dunno. This would be easier if I had a car, but of course, things can't be made that easy. Damnit.

If I didn't have to work tonight, I'd see him tonight, but again it can't be made that easy. I had a small chance to get tonight off, but no one could cover my shift. I'd be at work right now if that had happened, but since I'm here writing, obviously I'm not working.

I think last night was one of the first nights in a quite a while that I didn't talk to Stuart. Even on nights that he has hockey, I talk to him afterwards, but last night I just didn't text him. And he didn't text me. Funny enough, it didn't bother me. Maybe I'll talk to him tonight, but unless he texts me, I don't think its going to happen. Oh well.

Justin said he'll be over tomorrow night. Tiffany's Gong Show is tomorrow night and I'm gonna go. I'm gonna see if I can drag Justin with me. Two reasons: I told Tiffany I would go whether Justin was with me or not and Tiffany wants to meet Justin. So Justin and I will have something to do {even if it is ridiculous} and Tiffany can meet him. Two birds, one stone.

Meh, I had something else to talk about, but I'm watching Scrubs so I don't remember what I was going to say. Maybe I'll write later if I can think of what it was I was going to say.

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Tuesday. 5.8.07 4:08 pm
So Steve and I went out to lunch today. I enjoyed it. Its the first time that we've hung out outside of work in over a year. We got our food fairly quickly so we were able to take our time eating. We were at the restaurant for about 2 hours. I'm glad we went. Steve suggested that we go on a double date to that restaurant, but I'm not sure if its going to happen.

I'm off today and since I already went out, I'm extremely bored now. I'm not going to be going out again today cuz Justin is doing some family thing. I get to see him tomorrow though. I think that we're just going to stay in and watch movies. I need to stop eating out so much cuz I'm starting to gain weight instead of losing it.

K, I have nothing to say. I'll write again whenever.

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Sunday. 5.6.07 7:59 pm
I was sore today. My legs hurt, my arms hurt, I still have a headache; my whole body is sore. I'm glad that it was slow today. I didn't have to push myself too hard.

I actually cooked food tonight. Like, not in the microwave. I have the recipe for my mom's spanish rice and I decided that I wanted to make it. So I did. And it turned out just like my mom makes it! Its absolutely delicious! I might have to make it more often.

Anywho, I've decided that I'm done with Stuart. I'm not going to stop talking to him, but I'm too into Justin now {even though I was trying not to become that into him} I don't want to do anything to hurt him. I've actually been with Justin for at least a month if not more. I think its been more. But I haven't seen Stuart in like 2 1/2 weeks and I'm sick of waiting and hoping. So I'm just done with him.

Alrighty, I'm gonna go enjoy my spanish rice and watch some TV. I'll write again whenever.

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Saturday. 5.5.07 10:59 pm
I'm so glad that I was able to go. We didn't go till later so we missed the first two bands. They weren't that good anyway so it didn't matter that we missed them. The Bravery was the band that played when we first got there and the only song we knew was An Honest Mistake. They weren't that good either.

The next band, however, was fucking awesome! Sum 41 kicks ass! The whole group of us were right in the middle of the crowd. People were surfing and moshing. It was insane! But it was insane fun!

Chevelle was up next. They were pretty good. I only knew a couple songs, but being in by the pits and throwing around surfers it was awesome.

Chris Cornell was last to come on. {It was supposed to be The Used on last, but they fucking canceled, which is bullshit, but whatev} Chris played some of the songs off his solo album; they were really good, but a little slow for this type of concert. He had a band with him, though, and he sang a bunch of songs that he did with Audioslave and Sound Garden.

I got hit in the head with a fucking shoe! I had a girl who was surfing fall on my head and another person surfing kicked me in the head. People were throwing around water bottles and beer cups {some of which weren't empty so I ended up with beer on me} I got stepped on while jumping and I'm gonna have a nice bruise on my arm from being elbowed. Its the most fun I've had at a concert in ... actually, I think that's the best time I've had at a concert. I'm also glad that I went with Caitlyn, Sarah and their friends instead of Katie. I would have never had that much fun.

My throat is sore from yelling and screaming. So I have a pretty bad headache and a sore throat {all completely worth it} Work tomorrow is not going to be fun. I'm not going to give a shit. I don't even know who I'm working with. I hope that I'm not working with idiots, cuz I don't really want to have to follow everyone around making sure they're working.

Anywho, I need to go to bed. I wanted Stuart to come over since Justin is out of town for the weekend, but its not going to happen so I'm off to pass out for the night.

Today was fucking awesome!

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