Home | Join! | Help | Browse | Forums | NuWorld | NWF | PoPo   
welcome to my mind ...

The weather
A constant state of being.
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
Well, hello there.
Flag Counter
Fuck Thursdays
Thursday. 5.17.07 11:27 pm
Its been made official. Thursdays are fucked. There's no other way to describe how tonight went, except fucked up. The last three Thursdays have been fucked up, but none compare to tonight. I don't want to get too into it cuz I don't want to get pissed off again.

The thing that topped it off was Justin telling me that I couldn't see him tomorrow {like planned} cuz he has to go to Phoenix to help out a friend. Some drama between his friend and his friend's girl friend and their kid. He'll be gone all weekend. I didn't expect to see him on Saturday or Sunday, but tomorrow was supposed to be a good day/night.

Nothing was done this morning so I ran out of half the shit I needed for tonight. I was so pissed off at the morning crew, I wanted to just stab someone. And then the Justin thing. . . Fuck!

I just want it all to end. I would have walked out tonight had it not been the fact that I needed the money. Why the fuck does this have to happen? Why does it have to get complicated like this?

I'm just ready for it to be over. When will it all be over?

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

Wednesday. 5.16.07 6:34 pm
Ha, not for me. I still have a long time before that happens. Bob Barker is retiring from hosting The Price is Right. Tonight is his last show and tomorrow is a commemoration of his 50 years on television. Its kinda sad cuz I grew up with this show, as did most of the US, but I guess it was bound to happen eventually. I mean, the guy can't live forever. And who knows, maybe he'll make special guest host apperances.

Work was work. There's nothing more to say about that.

PIrates of the Caribbean: At World's End comes out next Friday. Katie and I are going to see it on Saturday. It should be funny cuz she's having her tonsils taken out this Friday so she won't be talking much. It should make for an interesting day.

Justin never called me back or answered my texts yesterday. He hasn't answered any of the 3 texts I sent him today and I somehow doubt he's going to return the call I made. I even left him a message and I never leave messages for anyone unless I absolutely have to. Damnit. I hate this. This shit {me becoming involved in a relationship} wasn't even supposed to happen in the first place and now that its not going as smoothly as it was a month ago it makes me wonder why it even happened at all. Maybe I'm wrong to think of it that way, but can you blame me?

Anywho, I guess I don't have anything else to say. I'll write again whenever.

Comment! (7) | Recommend!

Hmm ...
Tuesday. 5.15.07 12:49 pm
I was looking through an old address book that I had back in middle school and decided to see if I could find them on myspace. I had already found my old best friend from middle school and its kinda crazy that she's married. But no biggie. Well, I found this guy that I was crushing on back in the day and he's married too. Sexy as ever, but married none-the-less.

That got me thinking. My old best friend is 20 years old {she'll be 21 next month} and she's marrried; has been for over a year I think. My old crush is just 21 and he's married. I'm 20 years old and I'm *sort of* taken, but I'm going to be single again very soon. I'm not even thinking about marriage and I have these two people from my past who are the same age as me and are already committed to one person for the rest of their lives. I just think its crazy.

I dunno. That's their choice. I'm still trying to get my life figured out. I have somewhat of an idea as to what's going on, but I only just got my feet in the door. Kinda like, I'm into the next level of my life, but I'm still just standing in the doorway. I need to walk further in now. And that's what I'm hoping is going to happen once I move. The move is opening up new opportunites for advancement in my life.

Anywho, Justin and I are doing okay. We're not seeing each other as often as we were when we first started going out. Most of it is cuz of my crazy weird work schedule. I guess that's what makes it better when I do see him. He's having some family issues right now too so that's another thing that's adding to our lack of seeing one another. I don't really understand why its bugging his as it is, but I'm not as close to my family as he is to his.

Alright, I don't really know what else to say so I'll write again when I do have something to say.

Comment! (5) | Recommend!

Sunday. 5.13.07 1:39 pm
I got two phone calls this morning, a text message and a person pounding on my door. This is what I woke up to. The two phone calls were from Gary and Erin bitching me the fuck out about my shitty close last night. I know that I didn't do a good job, but I wasn't aware that it was that bad. The text message was from Gary telling me, yet again, to come in and do what wasn't done last night. The person pounding on my door was Lance. He was sent by Gary to come pick me up so that I'd go in and finish my job. I'm sorry, but that's not the way I like being woken up in the morning.

I dealt with it though. All the bitching was done through my voicemail so when I got there, all they told me was to make sure that never happened again. I was expecting to be yelled at and lectured and written up, but neither of those things happened. All I had to do was clean the dining area {which is what wasn't done last night} I can understand why they were pissed off too cuz today is Mother's Day and we're going to be very busy today. The dining area is the part of the restaurant that customers see so obviously its what needs to be the cleanest. I have to close manager again tonight so I am going to make sure its clean.

Now, the reason I titled this entry 'tolerance' is because in the morning Gary listens to country music. I can't stand country music. I grew up with it until about the age of 11, but now I seriously can't stand listening to it. However, Justin is a country boy and he listens to country as well. This morning while I was cleaning the lobby, I had to listen to country music and I didn't complain not once. I knew that I really didn't have the right to complain about the music choice, but it was hard for me not to say anything at all when Gary was purposely trying to bug me with it.

I'm trying to build up a tolerance for country music so that Justin can listen to it in the truck when we go out. I mean, he doesn't have to change the station when I'm with him, but he does cuz he knows I don't like country. But I don't want it to be unfair so if I can build up a tolerance for it, I can listen to it in the truck and not complain. This morning, I listened to every single song that played {some lyrics are weird as hell} and I dunno if that's the reason, but I don't remember any of the songs that played. Not one single song. So maybe if I do that on the mornings that I work with Gary, I can build up enough of a tolerance to handle it around Justin. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Anywho, I have to be at work in an hour and a half and I don't really have anything else to say. So I'll write more later.

Comment! (3) | Recommend!

*big long ass sigh*
Saturday. 5.12.07 11:54 pm
I'm still pissed that I had to work tonight, but it wasn't uber {or even super} busy so I wasn't running around trying to keep everyone caught up. An hour and a half before we closed, it died so I didn't have to worry about customers at all for the remainder of the night. I didn't make labor, but the only thing I could have done was get people off the clock sooner. But since I didn't do that and I didn't make labor, I'm expecting Gary to get all pissy with me. What-the-fuck-ever.

Anywho, I really wish I could have seen Justin tonight. I know I saw him last night, but I don't know when I'll see him again. I know I won't see him tomorrow because I have to work tomorrow night and its Mother's Day so he's going to be spending time with his mother. Maybe I'll see him Monday or Tuesday. I can only hope right?

I'm sore right now. Part of it is because I fell asleep on the floor last night and I can't sleep on the floor. I can't even really lay on the floor. Due to my hip problem, I need cushion. My left hip {the one I had most of my weight on} is killing me. I can't walk right cuz I'm in pain. Sometimes this hip problem makes me feel old.

The other part is from all the crying I did this morning; my abs and rib cage are sore. My abs hurt worse though. I can't even laugh without having the instant knowledge that my abs hurt. I'm hoping that at least my hip is better by morning. I can deal with my abs and ribs being sore for another day.

Alright, I don't know what else to say so I'll write again whenever.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I can't do this anymore
Saturday. 5.12.07 10:50 am
This was supposed to be a good entry where I'm happy, but alas, that's not the case. So if you don't feel like reading about me being upset and pissed off I'd advise that you not read further.

First off, last night was fun. I went to Tiffany's Gong Show. The high school drama kids put it on. Justin was with me so I had an even better time. After the show it was 10:30 so it was a little to late for us to go out to do anything so we came back to my place and watched Waiting... If you've ever worked in a food industry, you need to watch that movie cuz you will laugh your ass off. Even if you haven't worked in food, you should still watch the movie, but you won't understand some of the things that go on. I was apparently more tired than I thought cuz I dozed off while cuddling with him. He woke me up at 1:30am cuz he had to go home. I didn't want him to leave, but I knew he had to. I knew I'd see him today anyway. Or so I thought.

Which brings us to the shitty part. I have to work tonight. I have no choice about it either. Today is my day off. I had already made plans with Justin, but now they can't happen. I'm so sick of working at this place. I was going to say no, but I couldn't. Not because I myself couldn't say no, but I just couldn't. I have to work tonight cuz there's no one else who can cover the shift.

Why? Why the fuck does this have to happen to me? I mean, did I do something wrong to deserve this? At this point having to work when I don't want to, I almost consider a punishment.

I hate this. I hate having to cancel all of my plans just to accomidate other people. And at this point its not just myself that I'm hurting. I'm making the plans with Justin and having to cancel them, I'm hurting him too. I hate having to do that. I don't just get pissed off anymore. The tears are flowing now.

I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I could just quit my job and live out the rest of my lease without working about it. But since living a decent {although sometimes shitty} life isn't free. I have a little over 7 weeks of bullshit and torture before I'll be done with work.

But I'm living through conflicting feelings right now too. I can't wait to be done with work so that I can leave, but I want to spend as much time as I can with Justin. I don't want to leave him. But I can't have both, and I'm not staying in Tucson just so that I can stay with him. It sucks having to deal with this. Being really happy one moment to becoming just completely and utterly depressed another moment is not good.

Depression fucks with my eating. Meaning I don't. At all. I didn't eat anything yesterday and I probably won't eat anything today either. Who knows if I'm going to eat anything Sunday. I would have eaten today had I not gotten the phone call telling me that I had to cancel my plans with Justin and work tonight {they didn't say that cuz they didn't know I had made plans, but that's what it sounded like to me}

It may sound weird, but the tears that came tell me two things: one, I really fucking hate my job {which I didn't need reminding in} and two, I care more about Justin than I had originally wanted to. I didn't want to get attached to Justin cuz I knew I was leaving, but I did anyway.

Fuck. I don't even know what to say anymore. And I need to stop crying so that I can actually focus on the screen. My eyes are starting to hurt from both crying and trying to focus on the screen through the tears. So I guess that's it for this entry.

Comment! (4) | Recommend!

LostSoul13's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

NuTang is the first web site to implement PPGY Technology. This page was generated in 0.029seconds.

  Send to a friend on AIM | Set as Homepage | Bookmark Home | NuTang Collage | Terms of Service & Privacy Policy | Link to Us | Monthly Top 10s
All content © Copyright 2003-2047 NuTang.com and respective members. Contact us at NuTang[AT]gmail.com.