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Meh {edit}
Tuesday. 6.12.07 6:04 pm
America's Got Talent is on tonight. I hope that the people who are auditioning are better than the people from last week's episode.

I worked today. Its usually my day off, but I needed hours and they needed the shift covered so I worked it. I also did it because it meant that I got to work with Mark again. I like working with him cuz he's funny, cute and he's a good worker. He'll help out where he can and it just makes the day more pleasant.

I'm just about over being pissed off at Justin. Its a waste of my time and energy to be pissed off at something like this. If I don't talk to him again before I leave, I won't be affected by it. I'm completely done with him.

Stuart hasn't come over yet. I was actually glad that he was at home when I texted him last night cuz I was able to get sleep. If he had been out, the chances of him coming over would have been higher, but usually once he's at home, he doesn't go out again. As much as I want to see him, I don't want him to come over tonight either. I need to work in the morning and I want to sleep again tonight.

I've had a craving for hot dogs for the last two days, but I haven't gotten to the store yet. I was going to go yesterday, but I decided against it. Then I was going to go today, but being the procrastinator that I am, I put it off till tomorrow. I'm going to have to go to the store tomorrow, though, cuz I'll be out of food by then. I'm looking forward to taking care of my hot dog craving.

Anywho, I'm watching the news right now. They said the high today was 93, which is about 7 degrees below average. Tomorrow, however, will be back up to average. Oh great! They just showed the 7 day forcast and they're saying that the high will be between 102-104. Gah! I HATE the heat! Grr, go figure that I'm going to be moving out of one desert into another. Oh well.

I need a tan, but I don't tan. I burn and I go right back to white. I guess I've gotten used to it. Its kind of funny cuz I'm so white that I glow when I go in the pool. Ha.

I want another tattoo and I know what design I'm going to have, but I'm debating whether to get it before or after I move. I guess it all depends on money. I'm going to try and aim for before the move. I also want another piercing, but I think I'm going to wait until after the move to get that done.

Alright, I think this has been made random and long enough. I'll end it here.

{edit}: Today is my Dad's birthday. He would have been 51. Happy b-day Dad!

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Almost what I was expecting.
Monday. 6.11.07 6:31 pm
I was expecting to see Justin again at some point, but I was thinking it would be at my place and not at work.

He came in today to order food. I wasn't happy to see him. And I showed it. He told me that he was in California and that he had told me that twice before he left. I would have remembered something like that had he actually told me. Come Wednesday I would have been "hmm, I haven't seen or talked to Justin in a couple days. Oh yeah, that's right, he's in California" But he didn't tell me so I just thought he was ignoring me. He kept trying to convince me that he had told me, but I'm not going to take it. Also, if he had been in California for the last week, why did I have 3 different people tell me that he had come in last Thursday to order food? Something's not right. Also, he has a cell phone. I'm almost 100% sure that his phone works in Cali. He has Verizon and they work just about everywhere. He couldn't have answered my texts or my calls? Even for just a minute? Its just ridiculous.

I'll still be friends with him, but the relationship is over. No ifs, ands or buts. I've lost whatever it is that I felt for him. I was just about over it too. I was almost beyond the 'pissed off' point, but then he had to come in today. Now I'm pissed again. Fuck!

So Stuart is still talking to me. I haven't seen him, but I guess I'm alright with it. I've gone a couple weeks without seeing him and I don't expect to see him too often so its not a big deal. I guess as long as he's still talking to me, I'll be good. The emo post that I did up a couple nights ago was just me overreacting. I didn't think I'd be able to handle losing both Justin and Stuart at the same time so I broke down. With Stuart still talking to me, I'm okay right now.

Alright, I have other stuff to say, but I don't feel like writing it right now. Maybe later.

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*big long-ass sigh*
Sunday. 6.10.07 7:05 pm
About the only improvement from last night is that I'm not crying, but the night is still young so its not definate that the tears won't come.

Stuart being mad at me cuz of a few hickies that I gave him is one of the stupidest reasons to be mad at me. And since the one he gave me is almost gone the ones on him should be almost gone by now, if they haven't disappeared already. Tonight will determine if he's still mad at me. I'm going to text message him like I usually do, and depending on how he responds, if he responds, will tell me everything. One can only hope for the best.

Gah! My burn is itching like crazy right now. The skin is peeling like a sunburn and its scabbed over in some spots. I want to scratch it so bad. I try rubbing it, but it only makes it itch worse. And when I try to ignore it {as I'm doing now} it just makes it itch that much more since I'm not scratching to relieve the pain. Grr!

I'm working on less than 3 hours of sleep right now and something tells me that I won't be sleeping that well tonight either. Hopefully I'll get more than 3 hours, though.

I'm working on Tuesday this week. It was my choice. There was a shift that needed to be covered and I need hours so I opted to work the shift. Its not like I'm going to be having company on Monday night and I certainly don't have any plans for Tuesday. At least this will benefit me in two ways, at the least. One, it gives me something to do and two, I'm getting paid. Money is always a good thing.

I don't really have anything else to say right now. I'll write again whenever.

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a pathetic waste
Sunday. 6.10.07 2:41 am
That's what I feel like right now. I'm sitting alone in my apartment at quarter till 3 in the morning crying because of how completely alone I am. I have no one.

Justin isn't talking to me for whatever reason. Stuart is mad at me cuz of how many hickies I left on him. And in all honesty, I didn't even mean to leave more than one or two. So he's not talking to me either.

I really wish that I had someone who I could call right now, but I don't. You know why? Cuz I'm a pathetic waste. I have one friend. And I can't call her this early in the morning.

Why? Why does it have to be like this? Just when I was finally happy about something, it had to all go out the window. I guess I'm just not allowed to be happy. Like, by some crazy ass fucked up coinsidence, if I'm happy the world will explode.

Its times like this I wish I could just disappear. Just vanish from the earth. Its times like this that make me wonder if I ever really will be happy. If I'll ever find someone who I can talk to at any hour of the day if I need to. Someone who I can confide in and not feel uncomfortable telling them things. Someone who I can trust not to turn their back on me the first time I even remotely screw up.

I'm supposed to be this perfect person who does nothing wrong. Who is supposed to do whatever is told of them whenever they are told. And I just can't do it. I can't keep crying myself to sleep because I don't feel appreciated. I can't live the rest of my life alone, but by the way things are going, it looks as though that's what's going to happen. If every person is going to abandon me when I need them, then I guess I just need to get used to the tears.

I hate being like this. Please, God, make it stop.

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In my eyes...
Saturday. 6.9.07 1:43 pm
I am single again. Justin and I have 'broken up.' I put quotes around it cuz I wasn't actually in a serious relationship, but we were still together enough to call one another boyfriend and girlfriend. The last I saw him was on Monday {or Wednesday, I can't exactly remember} and that's also the last time I talked to him. I've made the effort to call him and see what he's up to, but he's not showing the same effort in return. He's not returning my calls or my texts so I'm just not going to try anymore. If he wants to contact me, he will. I don't even care what the reason is anymore. He could come up with the most random excuse and it won't matter to me now. I'm done with him. And if he tries to look at it as me breaking up with him, I'll tell him "no, you broke up with me; a week ago when you stopped trying to keep in contact with me."

Anywho, I have a feeling I'm not going to be seeing Stuart again any time soon. He started talking last night about how you only get one life to live and he's not happy with the way that he's lived it so far. So he's going to be making changes. I thought that him going into the Marines was a big enough change, but apparently I was wrong. Oh well. Maybe I'll see him, maybe I won't. Only time will tell. Unfortunately I don't really have a whole lot of time to spare anymore.

Last night I started looking up available jobs in Las Vegas. Its sort of a 50/50 type of thing. I can't get a promising job in any casino until I'm 21, but there are plenty of non-casino jobs that are available. The thing is, I need a job right away when I get out there. However, I'm not going to be committing to any one specific job when I get it since I'll be 21 in October. I actually started formulating a plan in the way of jobs. I'll get a non-casino job when I first get out there and after I take my 10-11 day vacation to celebrate my 21st birthday, I'll start to look into serious jobs and at that point I won't be limitted by age. Its kind of funny cuz I actually just thought of that idea.

Alright, I can't think of anything else to say right now. I'll write again whenever I have something to write about.

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Friday. 6.8.07 7:40 pm
I have a feeling that Justin and I are just about done with the 'relationship' thing. I haven't talked to him or seen him in a few days, at least, and I'm actually not terribly bothered by it. I've made an effort to contact him and see if he wants to do anything, but he hasn't felt it necessary to call me back. Whatever. Its things like this that keep me from feeling bad about having Stuart come over.

Today was just ehh. It wasn't good, it wasn't bad, it was just ehh. I'm off work tomorrow and I'm glad about it. I have no plans except to do laundry. I know, I know, I live such an exciting life.

I'm having trouble from scratching at my burn. I already know its going to scar {I'm perfectly okay with it} I just wish it wouldn't itch as much as it does. Oh well.

I'm so ready to be done with my job. I'm ready to quit right now, but I can't afford to yet. So I have to tolerate the next 19 days that I have to work. I actually have 4 weeks before I quit, but excluding the days I have off, I only have 19 days left of actual work. Crazy.

Anywho, I don't really know what else to say right now. So I guess I'll write again whenever.

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