A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence
"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"
"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation
"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes
"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics
Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Eat That Toast!
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius
Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Robbie and Bobby
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Scary Go Round
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Strong Female Protagonist
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Yellow Peril (PG-13)
Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing
Meat and Plastic
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
The Super Fogeys
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
YU + ME
Pure Flash Awesomeness
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
Clients from Hell
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
Front bathroom is finally done. I'm not a fan of the new vanity but I guess I'll adapt.
At least I don't have to rush to brush my teeth before my parents go to sleep now.
Still feeling fairly sick, but got a new prescription cough suppressant today, which I think is helping. I was exhausted and in pain from how much I was coughing yesterday. It's a strange cold, though, and seems to primarily be affecting my chest. I'm not congested and I don't have that grogginess I often associate with colds. Throat doesn't hurt either, it's just that there's this feeling like my chest and throat have some kind of thick foam in them that's full of small rocks.
Despite the sickness, I feel quite well mentally/emotionally. More calm and at peace than I have for a few months. I guess that in a sense I did some cleaning and sorting in my mind. Evicting people from my mental space seems to help with that when I can do it successfully.
Listening to "Power Of Darkness" by Danzig lately.
There's something cathartic about this kind of music. It's harsh, but in the way that a wire brush is harsh against caked-on grime.
I've been reading a little about slow looking, which is pretty much what it sounds like: looking at things slowly. Specifically, it's supposed to be slow looking at art in order to develop a deeper understanding and appreciation of the piece. The articles I read suggested briefly walking around a museum to get a sense of the collection, and then coming back to something that stood out to you and getting more acquainted with it over a period of minutes (or even hours). Twenty minutes or so was the low end of the recommendations I saw for length.
It's an interesting idea to me, and something I'd like to try. I'm kind of tired of this lifestyle of darting around between things, scrolling, swiping, moving on. There have been times when I'd have really liked to spend more time looking at things, but felt pressured to move on and look at something else. It's hard to take your time when you're with other people. Maybe I just don't meet many people who have the patience or focus to stay with a single thing for very long.
People treat boredom like a sickness to be cured... But the constant stream of entertainment we feed ourselves to stave off boredom, what consequences does it have? I've fallen prey to it too, and I feel less creative than I used to be, less inspired. Like I don't think as productively, as expansively, because there are so many available distractions. That might sound odd, considering how much I think regardless...
I wonder if I should try to spend more time just with myself, not connected to things. I did that to some extent when I used to go walking, but I still had my music, which is a buffer against the world and a distraction, as much as I'm attached to it. Maybe I need to relearn how to slow down and be bored, to see what I'll find.
Sunday, November 5, 2017
The more I do yoga, the more I realize that:
a) Yoga is difficult
b) Yoga is boring
c) I really don't like yoga
But just because I suck at it and don't enjoy it very much doesn't mean I shouldn't give it a chance. I was terrible at Pilates at first too, but I came to enjoy it. I'm not sure if that will happen with yoga but I might as well go to a few more classes if they fit into my schedule. What I can't figure out is why the room feels so warm during yoga. It seems like my hands and feet get sweaty and it's hard to hold positions, which is strange because I don't normally have that issue in other classes.
Anyway, I look around at the other people in the yoga classes who very obviously are into yoga and know what they're doing, and I know I'm not as good at it as them and I get confused and tired and a little overwhelmed trying to attempt some of the poses, but that just means I have to try harder.
Giving up is weakness.
Little rest day
Friday, November 3, 2017
I think something in my house is making me feel sick. Have had fatigue, mild nausea, and headaches a lot in the past few days... or more? It's hard to keep track. Not sure if the remodeling has something to do with it.
Today I went to an "estate sale" with my mom over in a rich neighborhood nearby. I say that with quotes because it wasn't really much of an estate sale. A woman was moving out of one of the multimillion dollar houses over there and was pretty much just liquidating the backstock from the gift shop she owned, so the house was full of collectibles for sale... It was kind of neat to see the house itself, but the actual stuff for sale was a big letdown. So many figurines...
In the evening I saw Guardians of the Galaxy 2 with my parents. My dad had already seen it, but I guess he just felt like getting it from the library, so we all sat together and watched it. There were some funny parts, and also this:
Kind of a sad sentiment. I also don't think it's necessarily true that if you're ugly and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are. Sometimes people just love other people for fulfilling some particular role to them, which I would argue isn't the same as "loving them for who they are." But I guess I do think it's kind of true that beautiful people never know who to trust. It just falls under the larger umbrella of nobody being able to know who they can trust, not really.
It's not that you can't trust people... you just can't know whether you can trust people. You can only believe that you can. To truly know you'd have to have proof, and patterns of the past aren't genuine proof. They're just... patterns. Problem of induction. You just have to have some faith that things will stay in pattern.
After the "estate sale" I went to Safeway with my mom, and I think I saw a guy from my high school there... We weren't friends, and as far as I can remember we only had one class together, but I think it was him. I decided to message him on Facebook to mention that we passed each other, though we're not friends on there, so I don't know if he'll see it. No harm, though. I felt nervous about it at first, but I figured that I haven't really been challenging myself lately, so this was a small thing I could do to get over the shyness/anxiety.
No gym today, because I was resting. Tomorrow, though.
"You're not my type"
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Ran 1.5 miles and did Turbo Kick today. Think I need to give my legs a rest. They feel a bit... stiff. Could also be that I'm not eating enough, though. On a good day I manage two meals, plus a protein bar and a green smoothie... It's hard to eat more than that. I know I need to in order to get stronger, but the motivation to force myself to eat isn't there. Plus we don't have a kitchen right now, which adds a layer of difficulty to my appetite problems.
I was looking at someone's Facebook page tonight, and it struck me, as it has before, that I'm tethered to this one body, to this one perspective. Not 'perspective' as in opinion, but like, I can only see out of these eyes, only feel with this skin, only hear with these ears, and so on. It feels... so confining.
It's weird to feel so unfamiliar with that confinement. You'd think I'd be used to it, given that it's the only thing I've ever really experienced for most of my waking hours. I say "most" and not "all" because there were some times during... traumatic... events where I was pretty strongly depersonalized and felt like I was watching myself in the third person. I don't really know how to explain it to a general audience though... And things are rarely in first person in my dreams. I guess it's like a video game, where you can shift between first person and third person perspectives, except that in my dreams, often there just isn't a "me" anymore. No body, no presence. Just watching things that other people are doing, and occasionally becoming them.
Tonight while I was videochatting with Sean I decided to purge my Facebook friends list again. I cut five people, which I guess was... 8.3% of my total? Considering cutting more soon. There is limited social space in my life and I don't want to keep a line open to anybody who isn't worthwhile.
We are remodeling parts of my house, and my dad finds the contractor we're working with very irritating, because the man is imprecise. My dad told me that the quickest way to make an engineer angry is to approximate and bullshit about stuff you don't know, and this contractor does that a lot. The man has been late by several hours and seemed barely familiar with the contract that my dad drew up, plus he said the electrical stuff was "ready for inspection" even though not everything is connected yet. I don't know if I've ever seen my dad get this annoyed at anybody before. I've only even seen him get angry a few times in my life, maybe three if this contractor stuff counts.
It made me think about how being the daughter of an engineer has influenced me. I have a strong aversion to ambiguity and like things to be laid out clearly and precisely. Vagueness and noncommittal answers are annoying. People who aren't on time are annoying. Inconsistency is annoying. That overly relaxed "go with the flow" attitude is annoying. I mean, none of this is annoying to the point where I'd actually get enraged with people, but I do notice it, and I don't like it. When I'm making plans I like to have the exact date, time, location, etc. figured out ahead of time as much as possible.
Now on the other hand, my mom is an art teacher... so she's a strange contrast to my dad. She isn't thorough, composed, exact, or consistent. Not saying I'm all of those things either, but I definitely lean more to that side than to my mom's side. She embodies a lot of the traits that annoy me, which is why I've learned that I have to keep a certain distance from her to avoid being extremely frustrated all the time. Then again, she does have a lot of social skills, so I guess there's balance there.
I'm somewhere between my mom and my dad, and I don't know what kind of person would complement me...
This scene from Happiness keeps replaying in my head.
This isn't working.
These four words [4P]
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Fond strangers [2P]
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Monday, October 30, 2017
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Kyle: If I was going to be in pain for the rest of my life would you support my suicide
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Me: Well
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Me: I guess if that was what you really wanted
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Me: And we could find a way to do it that would minimize your suffering
[10/30/2017 11:12 PM] Me: I would be sad though
[10/30/2017 11:13 PM] Kyle: I think I would just OD on heroin.
[10/30/2017 11:13 PM] Me: I suppose that could be a nice way to go
[10/30/2017 11:18 PM] Kyle: Would you disrupt your life to go travel with me for like 6-12 months first
[10/30/2017 11:18 PM] Me: I think so.
[10/30/2017 11:18 PM] Me: If it was the last time I was going to see you then that would be worth putting my life on hold.
[10/30/2017 11:19 PM] Me: Not sure how I would afford it though.
[10/30/2017 11:19 PM] Kyle: I'm gonna kill myself on this scenario, I'll just pay for everything, silly.
[10/30/2017 11:19 PM] Me: Haha
It makes me really sad to think about not having Kyle as an active presence in my life, so I hope this scenario doesn't come to pass.
Went to the gym twice on Saturday and twice today. Gym is my boyfriend and we're getting serious.
Calm and nothingness
Sunday, October 29, 2017
"I Have Enough Time To Be Disappointed Again" by Nao.
A small dark room with a crowd of people in it, and green and blue lights swirling behind the band on stage. Nobody is saying anything, nobody is dancing. At most, there is minute swaying from some of the members of the audience, and some people close their eyes. If you close your eyes, the room feels bigger, and it feels like you're alone, but you fill the whole space. Weightless, limitless, the expanse of yourself exists only in this moment, while the music plays, while your eyes are closed. There is no time, there is no you; you are inseparable from this feeling, from this moment.
I don't normally listen to this kind of music, but this song is evoking a sort of calmness in me at the moment. I've been pondering the title for awhile. Don't know who to talk to about it. Lately I have been craving intellectual conversation, but not the type that includes facts and figures and outside knowledge... Those kinds of discussions are okay too, but I feel a bit tired of regurgitating information. I guess what I'm looking for is more personally meaningful. Just want to have someone to talk to about what something brings up for each of us. Memories, feelings, visuals, etc. That would be nice. I keep talking about how I would like to have this, but I don't know where to find it.
I want to make something, but I don't feel inspired. I just feel... sort of calm. Have been trying to increase the amount I go to the gym, which I think might be impacting my mood. Things are more stable now. Not particularly depressed. I have many of the same thoughts as when I'm depressed, but different reactions to them. It's a cheesy analogy, but it feels a little like being Neo and being aware of the code of the Matrix, if the Matrix were... myself, I guess. Except that Neo doesn't repeatedly get plugged back into the Matrix in such a way that it becomes his whole reality again.
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