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The Dreams are Back.
Sunday. 5.16.04 7:27 pm
i dont know what to make of this dream....

i dont like it.

i cant stand it...

but i'll still asess it.

fuck....

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new Ramble
Friday. 5.14.04 10:00 pm
For the past couple of days i have found it harder and harder to go to school. I find the people there more annoying and i cant seem to find a niche in which i can hide. somethings wrong. it use to be that i would be able to stand the likes of them yet, now, i barely have any patience for them whatsoever. wtf. like that song... "i'm so tired of being here". i think i'm ready for isolation. i'm ready to get away from everyone and close my self off again. i waiting for summer. i mean, really looking at it, i will have a minimal amount of interaction yet, i doubt that i really will go out seeking people. no. thats not me. not anymore at least. i have changed immensly and have in turn learned from many people and many mistakes. i have seen people in their patterns, i know people and their fears, and im tired of their nature. its merely true. i cant do anything about that. i miss having a friend. i miss sitting there, chill, no one else just me and jess. sitting there, contemplating the world, analyzing self, putting together the puzzle of society, i miss that. i miss having a person to sit with. there are people who try, there are people who come close, but that kind of friendship takes time, effort, and will. i dont know anyone with those. and i cant really say that i even have those. i mean there are kids out there that i would enjoy hanging out with but, i cant see how they can deal with my style. i am a very surprisingly enough, solitary person. I like sitting near the creek, where its quiet, beautiful, surreal, and just talking. being, assessing the world. just chill. i am a very chill person. i miss jessica. i saw her today. now that was interesting. man, shes changed but hasnt at all. its amazing... seeing her my heart skipped. it was like old times were in the past and new times were to come, but the present is frozen. It just brought my spirits up completely. for the past couple days i've just been blinded with repetition and the depression seeped in again. its always lingering somewhere beneath the surface, its just how much it will affect me. But seeing her made me feel as if everything was going to be ok. that things are moving forward and arnt standing still. she has a life man. shes progressing. i have life. i'm progressing. we're going to be ok. it really really brightened my spirits when i needed it most. it was nice....


I had a dream last night. it was horrible. it was taunting and now, it made me realize. No matter how much i hate my dreams i still listen to them. i will always listen to them. i like this kid, which is stupid of me to begin with, but i do. and then through this dream i realized just to be friends. so what if i have a stupid crush on the kid, nothings going to happen, drop it. theres another kid waiting. stop ignoring everything else just because this one kid exists. yeah so what i have a crush, who cares. nothing will develop so why bother. but i wont drop the kid. cant do that. but i'm ending my stupidity. thats all.... oh jess, you know who this is.


Ok, but who you dont know is this other kid. When you saw me today walking, that kid you were like "is that david?" and it wasnt it was somebody else. yeah that kids cool. seriously cool. i mean, goodness. ii can elaborate but not now. he's not the one whos waiting. theres this other kid thats best friends with him and hes perfect for summer. seriously perfect. plus, he's older than me. yes. hes a sophmore but older than me so its good. the kid lives right next to me. closer than rojo, that close. oh yeah, micheal klin is moving in near me, actually right in front of that kid. hah. but anyways tangent, the kid is perfect to hang out with during the summer. hes the inexperienced version of me. i love it. i dont know. during summer i'll have the chance to be alone. i'll have the chance for my sacred seclusion, and then i'll have the chance to branch out, and hang out with these kids. it'll be fun. i just want out of school. i want to drop all of these ties i have right now to kids. i want to snip them all off and only keep the ones worth keeping. right now that seems to be about a total of three. Yes. I dont know. this is my form of trying to figure out what to do because jess no longer exists. well, you get what i mean. i have to figure out how to hang out with people without her. i have to figure out how to deal with people without her. i have to figure out how to open up to people with out her. this will be a daunting task but one that must be done nonetheless. oh yeah jess, i dont know if the risk is worth it but then again, what else can i do? hide in a shell for the rest of my life? no, i cant. i have to get hurt again. i actually need it. getting hurt was one of the worst things that ever happened to me but then again the amount in which i grew as a person after that. the amazing amount of information and maturity obtained. that was well i believe worth it. i am the person i am today because of my past. with out it, i wouldnt be shit. so, getting hurt again, it'll be bad, but then again, it'll be good in ways. plus, i'm up for the adventure. i want to go through it again. i havnt done that in so long. I want to go through the frivoulous laughter, the running around, the lightness, the seriousness, the adventure of it. I havnt gone out seriously with a kid in a while. i cut my self off. i refused to let it happen. i'm up for it now. it'll be interesting.


but then again life tends to be interesting. my pop got me a car. i like it. green montero sport, '99. so its cool. i'm not reallly EXCITED because it hasnt hit me, and then again i am and refuse to let it get that good. too good is bad. too bad is good. a medium is perfect.




i want dekrypt my world. i see as i necer have and return to the past i want to as i have never done and be as i have always been.

ah...... i need to write a good one.

maybe next time.

oh jess, you might want to go to this slam, i wont be there but you might want to go. Its sunday (next sunday b4 exams) at 7 or 8 at borders, HUGE slam, some good ones going to be there. i'll be in washington for rocketry but if you can you might want to make it a date with your mistress ^_^

ok. i'm done rambling.

out.

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laughter
Thursday. 5.13.04 8:57 pm
ah. interesting. ok, this will stay up. slightly because i dont want to make another one but mainly cause i told the kid that i would try to open up...

so jess, uh... someones getting to know me. its weird. you are the only person that knows me. seriously. knows me. and you are the only person that i can talk to. when i write in this i feel as if i'm writing to you. i dont know. but now that kid, well, he's getting to know me and the whole, being scared to open up and be vulenerable thing hit hard. interestingly enough i dont know he will hurt me. hm. its interesting. its scary. but interesting nontheless. ah so much to write but no time now...


i shall elaborate given time. but for now this short explanation of recent events should suffice.


enough.

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Tuesday. 5.11.04 8:56 pm
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


i hate boys....


and love em all too much



fuck me....

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Sunday. 5.9.04 5:54 pm
Ah. i will always love jessica.no matter what. i will always love her. inside and out, i know that she will always be my one close friend. theres really no one else out there that knows that much about me. that i can tell that comfortably. ah. life. what an interesting place.... deviantart.com -> poetry: sn- recentis eh. i cant believe i made one just cause he told me too. fucken a. but then again. of course i would....

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Thursday. 5.6.04 11:51 pm
Priscilla doesnt know if hes lieing now. and really. i told the kid and he was like thats bullshit. and i cant help but like, i dont know. feel guilty. actually told the kid i was sorry. and i fucking meant it. that was sad. no, the kid deserved it, i was trying desperatly to cut him out, be a MONDO bitch, yeah didnt work....



interestingly enough hes going to stick around. haha.


oh yeah, its the same person. from on you know. the kid from before, the same one as usual...



life is funny... my optimism didnt die, its just i dont know. ever get the gut feeling of FUCK this sucks, not that but a deeper and warmer though cold and odious, feeling in your heart.


yeah. thats been happeneing. life is still beautiful. but interesting none the less...

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