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Its starting to bug me...
Saturday. 7.21.07 12:55 am
~~ I'm pretty sure this is going to be a rant ... so don't say I didn't warn you ~~

I'm getting more frustrated now, rather than upset, about the whole Stuart "situation." I like him much more than I actually should, especially considering we were never together; we were never a legitimate couple. Its something that I am very well aware of and I accept that we weren't in a relationship, but I don't understand why I feel as strongly towards him as I do. I want to text him right now, but I'm thinking that maybe if I don't talk to him every night {like I'm used to doing} then maybe it'll help. I really don't want to not talk to him though. Gah! Why do things have to be complicated when it comes to liking a person and getting over them?

Another thing that's bugging me is that I've been here for a week and I feel like I've not accomplished anything. I've bought a wireless router for my computer and I've gone out with my mom to the store and to pay bills. That's about it. Its pretty difficult, though, with my mom working during the day. She has the car and its not available to use until 3:30 or later. That puts quite a restriction on my hour availability when looking for jobs.

I need to get so many things done. I have set goals for myself, to get these things by a certain time and yeah, I've only been here for a little less than a week, but I still feel like I've done nothing.

Let me break it down ...
Things that I need {in no particular order}:
~ a car {I want to have this by Oct. 1st}
~ my license {I want this by Aug. 31st}
~ a job {I want this by Aug. 1st}
~ my own apartment {hopefully I'll have this by Christmas or the New Year}
~ money {I just need this ASAP}

Things that I want/need {again, in no particular order}:
~ a new wardrobe {some of the clothes I have I've had since high school}
~ to plan for my week long trip back to Tucson in the beginning of October {I really want this to happen only cuz I sort of promised some people that it would}
~ new friends {I'm sure these will come with the job}
~ a boyfriend {and I mean a real boyfriend ... something I haven't had in 3 years}
~ my freedon {this is more a need, but I'll keep it at an even 5 for each set}

Ugh, I've lost my train of thought again. The thoughts keep racing too fast for me to get them out before they're gone again. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more sorted out to write about.

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a non-entry
Friday. 7.20.07 1:55 am
I've got too many things going through my mind right now to write out actual entry. I can't focus enough to get it out in an entry.

Maybe I'll write tomorrow if I can get it all sorted out enough.

*self thought*
I have a link to my Nutang on my myspace page ... I wonder if anyone clicks it ...

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Help me
Wednesday. 7.18.07 8:05 pm
There's nothing that anyone can really do to help me. Time is about the only thing that will help this.

I'm very confused about the way that I feel for Stuart. I wish there was a way that I could get over him without losing him. I love staying up to talk to him and joke around with him. Even the other night when we actually talked about what was going on in my head and his, though some of the things bothered me, it didn't actually hit me until after we stopped talking for the night. That's when I got upset.

I really want to see him again. I wish that there was a way for us to somehow be together in the future, but the odds of that are thinner than a piece of paper. Among many, many reasons one of them is that he doesn't like me in the same way. I'm not sure if him telling me that hurt more or him telling me that he was still into his exgirlfriend too much to put much emotion towards me. Both of them hurt me, but I'm not sure which one was worse.

Anywho I haven't really been looking too intently for a job. There's not really a whole lot I can do right now because I have very limited access to the car seeing as how my mom works during the day. She's off work tomorrow and Friday so hopefully then I'll be able to go out and apply at places. Due to my limited access to the car, I'm limited to where I can apply at. I need something near by so that I can get the car and head right out to work. If I work too far from the house it would limit my available hours even more than they already are. Hopefully I'll find something close by that pays well.

I guess that's it for today. My mind is too "focused" on how confused I am about Stuart. I'll write again whenever and hopefully then I'll have a more clear mind.

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Cars ...
Tuesday. 7.17.07 9:26 pm
I've decided that I want my first car to be used, but I want it to be somewhere between an '01 and now. {yes, there are '07s that are used} I also want it to be a convertable. I want every car that I own to be a convertable car. My mom suggested that I get a hard top convertable rather than a soft top because they're actually safer. She's funny cuz she keeps saying "a person who buys a soft top convertable might as well have the locks taken off their car cuz you won't need them" Its true, in a way. Even if you have locks on your car, or even a car alarm, all a person has to do is slash the top to get into your car.

You are limited on what models have hard tops though. Soft top is cheaper to maufacture on a car, but its about 3 or 4 thousand to repair if it is slashed. I'm probably going to end up getting a soft top and just praying that I don't have it slashed.

Right now, I'm debating between three different cars. I am going to have a convertable MINI even if it isn't my first car. I'd just be incredibly stoked if it was my first car. I want a Mustang convertable, not exactly sure on the specific model, but I do want a Mustang. And the third car that I've been looking at is the Saturn Sky. I really like it because its small. Its only a two seater, but that's fine with me. Less people to hitch rides from me. The only time that becomes a problem is when I want more than just one friend to come and hang out.

I know that I can get any of these cars without too much issue because my credit is pretty damn good. I've never made a late payment and I've never been overdrawn on my bank accounts. I've got good credit history with a credit card company, with my cell phone company and with the cable company. I've had my own apartment for the last 2 1/2 years and have always paid my rent on time. Pretty much the only thing is that I canceled my cable account because I moved and that's a legitimate reason. So pretty much, I'm set on credit right now.

I think its funny that I'm already deciding what kind of car I want before I even have my license, but this will give me some sort of game plan for when I do finally get my license and a job and money for the car. In that time, I can also research the cars and see what kinds of things they each come with and compare the benefits of each car.

Alright, I think that's it. I have a wireless router now so my connection is awesome. And I don't have to bum off whoever has a router without a secure network. I can't think of anything else to say so I'll write again whenever.

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5:37am
Tuesday. 7.17.07 5:37 am
So Stuart and I just talked for a good 3 1/2 hours. We talked about how I felt towards him and how he felt about the situation. About the reasons why it wouldn't have worked and why it never will. About things that are going through his mind and things that are going through my mind.

I'm not happy with everything that was said, but I'm glad we were able to talk about it. I know that its still going to take me a while before I can change my feelings for him from liking him to being chill about being just friends with him. I'm hoping that with time and the distractions I'll have here {ie: a job, new friends, etc} that I'll be able to not focus on him as much as I am now.

I still really want to see him, but I'm sure its only a feeling that will pass. And its only being brought on because its only been a few days since I last saw him. With time, I'm sure this will pass, as do most things similar to this.

*prayer*
Please, God, let me keep him as a good friend, if I can't have anything more. Stuart is someone that I don't want to lose.

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As promised
Monday. 7.16.07 12:49 pm
I said last night that I would write more today, so here it is. I've also uploaded the pictures to my gallery like I said I would. You should check them out, even though they're nothing special.

I'm not liking it here so far. I don't think I'd rather be back in Tucson, but I haven't started any kind of routine here yet. I think once I get into a routine and actually get out on my own, living in Vegas won't be as bad.

I'm really missing Stuart. I was talking to him last night, like I usually do, but this time I had to not try and convince him to come over. I'm so used to trying that it was difficult for me not to.

I don't think he {or even I} realized just how much I like him. He's the one that I miss the most right now. He's the reason why I was crying every night for a week before I left Tucson. I keep picturing him in my head and I keep wishing, if there was a way I could see him please make it happen. But I know that he won't come out to Vegas just to see me. Just like I'm unable to make a random trip back to Tucson just simply to see him. I'm hoping that time and distractions will help me not be so upset about leaving him. {this is the 4th guy that I've lost due to me moving away. you would think that by now I'd have learned not to get attached to anyone with the indefinate knowledge of me moving, but obviously its much easier said than done}

I feel completely alone right now. I'm alone in a house full of people. Its not a very good feeling to have. I'm so used to living on my own, its going to be very difficult to get used to there being people around me. Having to conform to the ways of the house instead of me making up my own rules.

I guess it wouldn't be as bad if I had my own room where I'd have privacy, but I'm sleeping on the couch cuz all three rooms are occupied. Three of the now five people in the house smoke. Again, I wouldn't really mind as much if it were just my mom smoking {even though I want her to quit}, but I can't even ask them to kindly step outside to smoke. This is not my house. I have no say in this situation.

Alright, I have plenty of other things to say, but I need to get some things done. I'll write more probably later on tonight.

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