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Speak to My Finger
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
2015 ending?
Thursday. 12.31.15 9:51 am
I was kinda down and feeling a little lost these few days. And I made an appointment with a shaman to explore my feelings.

As we were chatting, she was conveying the message that I am not lost. I know what I want to do but I somehow got distracted by other voices. That's why I was down. I suddenly consider the things I wanna do for next year. I suddenly compare my achievements with others and suddenly feel my achievements were not as great as them. As I am typing this, my head is summarising it as 'taking others' beliefs as mine.' I could not agree more. Whenever we try to compare ourselves to others, we are shedding ourselves - we become less of ourselves. If it's positive values, then it's a good thing. But if it's about comparing what I did and what you did and what I did is better than yours, then don't absorb that. That's belittling yourself. Especially if you have been trying to get things done bit by bit.

For a start, acknowledge all the things you have done for the year or in your whole life. And then come up with a plan of what you want to do for the next year. As I mentioned previously in my post, try working backwards. Come up with a plan of activities that you need to do in order to achieve the bigger plan. This is more practical.

I am actually kinda shock when she said 'I can see so much clarity when I am talking to you, you are not lost.' I was expecting she is gonna say I am some kind of lost soul and I was hoping she would just whip me into some meditation to find back my path, after all our session is called Explore Your Path.

And she kept saying 'Be patient'. She added that each individual has different pace of doing things let alone achieving things. Just so I don't be distracted by others.

I have strong guides that are guiding me. It reminds me on articles that sometimes when our heart gives us ideas or simply a thought... they come from our guides. Don't heed them but you are free to decline the ideas. They are gifts not burden.

My friend's words "you can do wonders in a year". I compared mine to hers and I feel threatened. I lied if I said I didn't. It's true in a way I was not threaten when she said of the millions and the assets she had. But I compared myself with her and that's a dishonor to myself. I didn't sit and watch FB all day, although I did on some days, and didn't do anything to improve my life. I am trying to do it everyday. I tried my best in 2015.

2016 is coming in a few more minutes.

I shall just be myself. I shall just continue doing my things. What I am gonna do differently is to observe other's good habit and incorporate to mine. The world is huge. There's a lot of things out there for us to grab. It's enough for all of us, just not our greed.

I shall make my mark in this world too. In my own way. At my own pace. No one can take away the things I want to do. Only my mind can distract.

The shaman continued to say 'life is a journey.' Things happened for a reason. Keep doing the things I want to do and I will be at my destination.

Go on, renaye. Fear is just an illusion. Fear cannot control me if I don't allow it.

God bless us all the while.

Happy New Year, peeps.

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Yamapi again
Monday. 12.28.15 12:40 am
Well I finished watching one of Yamapi's series titled From 5 to 9. Yes, I am gonna talk about it again..

Yamapi is so handsome in the series... please look at me... bwahha.. What I am attracted the most is his hair as a monk. Very nice and stylish. If only my hair can stay nicely like that too.

The hairstyle in this scene is not great. Makes it kinda flat. I was expecting the hairstyle to be the same as the monk-style. Damn... It's not bringing out the handsomeness in him. It just makes him look like a kid!

Anyways... he is so handsome.... ahh...

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Saturday. 12.26.15 7:25 pm
Yup. Hangry is the word. I am mostly angry but since I am writing this in the morning, I am kinda hungry too.

I have been angry since last night. Not because I don't have xmas present which I actually have one. It was a cat toy. It's so cute.

Anyways, the reason to my anger is one of my girlfriends decided mostly not to continue her alternative treatment medicine, which was referred by me. Her reason is the medicine is too expensive. I become angry when I heard this.

Apparently, many of my rich friends stopped eating the medicine purely because it's expensive. I mean rich as in has lots of cash, drive branded cars and have super nice house. Rich as in they don't have to worry much about spending every dime. While my family struggling with finances continue eating those alternative treatment medicine. Our medical bill is so high and yet we continue eating. Whatever we earn goes straight to those alternative treatment medicine.

And my girlfriend who can afford because she earns way higher than me decided to stop because it's expensive. Her family is so rich by just getting money from the downline from MLM and they too say the medicine is expensive. Here is a family who can afford to drink coffee at a cafe daily commenting the herbal medicine are expensive. And she is only eating like after 2 months? I have been eating for years.

Mum questioned herself the same thing. Those rich people are saying the medicine are expensive. This statement makes us feel stupid for continuing the herbal treatment. Are we stupid for taking care of our health?

Mum said one of the doctors like to say this "penny wise pound foolish." Thinking so much of saving the penny, sometime later they will have to spend more later.

I kept asking myself why I am so angry. I can't even sleep well last night. It's just I am simply angry:

1) how can people not taking care of their health especially when they can afford. If I have the same purchasing power as them, imagine the amount of things I could buy to make myself healthier and... more beautiful. When the organs receive the right nutrients the organs work better.. and then... what do you think will happen next?

2) things are getting more expensive. It's simple calculation. And if you want a great quality, you just have to pay for it. There is no such thing as good quality = cheap. Simple analogy: different car brands have different price tag. We all know what the price tag is on those branded cars. People here love to buy those branded cars. Why? a) Status b) Better quality. Exactly. Better quality. Everything has a price tag. Just different digits. The Chinese proverb says the quality matches the price we pay.

I am now operating very much on that Chinese proverb. I can try getting the best quotation but then somehow I always have to find another because I don't like work quality that is given to me. So lesson learnt. Get the best one with the budget I can afford. If not, why would these professionals call themselves 'the best'?

Oh well, I have done my part in helping my friends in attending to their health. They have to do their part. They can try saving money on health... but the saying is money is useless when they are not healthy. Sometimes... when you have the money for health... it's sometimes too late to be healthy again. You know the car engine is going to break down soon and yet you didn't take action hoping it can go on for another day. When it finally dies, you have to spend a fortune to revive it. The bill is much higher when the mechanic has already advised to check-in the car earlier. And people will also say why check-in so late, why not earlier? Isn't it dangerous to have the car stop right in the middle of the road? Alone and cold on the road. Yea... do you want to drop dead in the middle of whatever you are doing? Alone and cold wherever you are? I am mean? Yea. I heard that was what happened to a colleague's brother. Out of the blue.

Alright. Wish them luck.

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Wednesday. 12.23.15 10:29 pm
If you read the below post, you'd know that I was called up to join a MLM. Though I didn't know, I didn't regret meeting up with my friend who is in the MLM business. That's because she has given me some wisdom to digest and it gives me some direction to plan for the coming year.

Though ironically she was drilling me for 8 hours on planning on life, she was hoping that I could join her. In the conversation, she kept reminding me that "I can solve your money problem" hitherto reminding me what dreams I wanna achieve and what kind of 2016 I want. She advised me to write it all down - just don't think about the money problem. I did that. I went home and think of all the things I wanna do. She also asked me plan backwards which now all makes sense. I didn't achieve certain things because I didn't plan on the activities and things I need to do to achieve the bigger picture. Or rather I did but due to my attention deficit, a lot of things were hanging. I jot that down too.

On a rant note - I don't understand why would a person just want to learn singing just to sing well of one song. Then.. why don't just practice singing at home? I bet those participants in those singing reality shows do the same thing?

With her words, I was planning and I feel the drive to get things done faster than my normal pace which is usually obstructed with procrastination but at least things are moving, slowly but steady.

I have to do something with my ADHD too. I have so many passion and I don't feel like sacrificing all of them just for one passion. At the same time, I know if I don't do that, then I will be nowhere. How those people can excel in so many things at one go? Where do they have the time? Do they need to worry about money? That's something I need to take into consideration too.

Whatever said... I'm thankful for catching up with my friend. If not, I won't budge. It's like God sent me to meet her so I could hear those words I need to take action on.

What kind of 2016 do I wanna be? Someone that is maximizing her potential amongst others and do the things I wanna do! of course, amongst others.

What about you?

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Tuesday. 12.15.15 10:04 am
Right. It's not M&M. It's MLM = multi-level marketing. A friend of mine strike richness with MLM and she has asked me to join to get the same money figure as she did. MLM is a brilliant way of making money but I will have to keep recruiting people which is something I dislike. I am ok with mouth-advertising but not really in recruiting.

I reflected on the product. I don't mind continue eating it but I won't really wanna introduce to people. I have eaten supplements that are better and more effective than this MLM's product. And this product is not cheap at all. I have eaten others which are also more or less of the same price but I could see the results in 2 weeks time. I have eaten this MLM's product for two weeks but it does not help me in many areas. The only obvious relief it provided was the energy I needed in the morning which can last throughout the day. That's about it.

To join requires me to pay USD500 for membership which will also give me 15 bottles of the product. Other MLMs has membership that is way below that amount.

My friend always tell me to do the things that make my heart happy. And my heart doesn't feel like doing it. I believe I can do it but why would I want to sell an inferior product at such a high price? I have other products to sell that is better than this...

For some reason, my friend hinted to me 'it makes you look stupid when you don't have money and yet studied so much.' And mlm people have ways to put down people. Not too sure if I am affected by that statement or not.

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Saturday. 12.12.15 8:28 am
Today I got lucky. I had an appointment at a shopping mall which required me to commute. I was kinda lazy to wait for the bus and I knew I was already late so there was a high chance that the bus has left. Nevertheless I took my own sweet time to get ready. As I stepped out of the house, my neighbour was also leaving the house. She is going to the supermarket so she said. And I said I am going to the mall. Later, she offered me a ride to the train station.


At the mall, I was looking for dinner. It was dinner time and there were so many people at the food court and I was restless in choosing what to eat. I walked up from the lowest to the highest floor and then back to the lowest floor. As I was walking around at the lower ground floor, I bumped into my colleague. I got that she had packed dinner and was shopping alone. I told her I was going to have dinner on my own and then go home immediately for the train station will be packed after dinner time. I said I wanna leave then.. she gave me a sad look and I invited her along for dinner. She ordered an appetiser while me a main. We chatted and suddenly she said she will drop me home!

Thank you god! I must have put in a correct prayer!

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