Books I have completed reading since January 2018:
1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Friends and Enemies
Akatsuki: Nightmares & Dreamscapes
-beats in my head-
Chika-Chin's Anime Mania!
empty white space
In My World
My Blah blah Bulogu
My Little World
Sdovelly~ c'est la vie
Serene's Silent Secrets
Shuffle and Repear
Tolanic's Travel Blog
Friday. 8.7.15 5:38 am
Yea. I got a bad romance. I once wanted your love badly but not anymore till fate comes in. Anyways, I like this song.
Tuesday. 7.28.15 7:48 pm
As mentioned in the previous entry, I removed him from all social media. And he re-added me on linkedin with a message. I approved and I didn't know he sent me a message when he added me because it went straight to my email.
Again, arrogance emitted in the email. Keep on saying like I am a hurt bird here that he can provide cover. Darling. You WERE the cause of my hurt. How can you not see it.
It's been a week after the message. I have thought lots of replies for him but I want to choose love as in care than bad mouthing him in my mind.
However, I thought it would be good to tell him off so I just sent him a short and sweet message: "Because I don't want to be hurt by you anymore."
And I removed him from linkedin.
Maybe I should ban him from all social media too.
Thursday. 7.23.15 8:47 am
I think the reviews said the movie sucks. I thought it was too far fetched. Silicons flying around the area to fix items that were already laden by silicons? And humans healed by Johny Depp with his silicons insertion are semi robots? Sounds too real for Terminator 1. Is that how terminator 1 got the idea in making John Connor semi-human?
What I like the most is despite being an artificial intelligence, Johny Depp said to his wife that he would never let her go. And he shut down himself when the wife died.
I thought that was touching. No matter how inhuman he is the artificial intelligence took Johny Depp's feelings as his own and recognised his love for the wife.
That's what I would like to think la.
He looks more human than humans in reality who can choose love rather than destruction.
Moving on just fine
Monday. 7.20.15 9:46 pm
Today, I finally made a stance on my ex. I have decided to remove him from all of my social media outlet. I just didn't ban him on FB. I have also removed all his friends that he had introduced me and who had added me on FB. I informed his bestfriend who happens to be a girl that I have really moved on and I do not wish to have any contact with him anymore.
I know he will be saddened by such move when he had shared with me that a friend he treasured had unfriend him on FB sometime ago. And I never expected it will be me doing so this time.
When you are in love with someone, you would never think anything is possible.
Perhaps my action is extreme when some people I know are still friends with their ex, but for mine, knowing that his ego (and of course a little of mine too) destroyed the whole relationship and denied the ownership of taking some of the blame is very ugly.
I learnt some things from this relationship:
1. Love can be so fragile. We were in the 8th month of the relationship. Things were going on well that because of what he said to me can just thrown off the whole tangent of the relationship. Our love foundation is so weak... and I have tried my best to strengthen it but...
People say love can overcome all obstacles. Obviously it didn't.
2. Don't say the darndest thing to your partner. Perhaps if we have better understanding of each other, the breakup won't happen but it is bound to happen... What he said to me was my short hair made me looked like a bastard - jokingly. And the second, third and fourth lines were the most hurtful of all. And what a pissed off me did? I dropped him the darndest words of two A4 pages for him to read over the weekend and ended it with break up - accidentally. And he replied "I am a sexist and I don't want to be dominated... Thanks for everything."
Oh yes. The ultimate hurt for both of us. Sometimes, it is best to apologise. The best of all is to talk mindfully. Just because she or he is your life partner, don't ever judge and say words like 'you are stupid... you are useless.' If you think your partner is useless, the most useless person is you because you choose a useless partner.
Oh well, I know we tend to say hurtful words to our family members but I learnt, for me, that when comes to romance relationship, I really speak mindfully because I really don't wanna hurt the person. Of course we could apply the same thing to our family members but where I grew up... it doesn't really applies because I believe in karma. So... don't always scold your children when they are still young "Why are you so stupid? If you are so stupid in studying, you will be a prostitute." Try that and you know karma bites back when they grown into adult.
This point is also the reason to my parent's separation.
Couple are supposed to complement, encourage and share stuff with each other. In mine with ex... I realised this was not happening. I was sharing and encouraging him a lot and he was not reciprocating at all. The more he was not replying my effort the more effort I pumped into making the long distance relationship worked till I burnt out mentally.
He also said other inappropriate things which hurt me like hell... and so... the accumulation of such darndest things can really become a huge karma ball rolling...
3. Accept the truth. When we are in love we, tend to turn blind eye to our partner's actions and words. There were already signs he exuded at the beginning of our relationship that resembled what my father did to mother... but I ignored it. I told myself we are just in the beginning of the relationship... there are many things to adapt to each other, I just need to be patient.
People can only change themselves if they want to. Other people cannot do so. Unless it's a dog and we can call the Dog Whisperer for help.
I was advised to open my eyes to the danger signs and I did with lots of tears...
We are taught that we need to apologise. He didn't after saying those hurtful words... even when I asked with grave concern if everything on his end was ok... but silence. He even said I should not give up the relationship so early when 'what he said to me hurtfully' is just part of the challenges of a relationship.
Oh really? Do you want to ask our several friends who are engaged in long distance relationships about that?
4. Communication. Communication is so important in a relationship. Without it, it's hard to have a great relationship. I wanted to communicate with him often so badly but to him.. he will only communicate at his convenience as in "I am bored now." Oh.. then you only remember you have a gf?
I remember calling him 2 days in a row to check on him. And the third day? He didn't pick up the call. Why? He said he needed space and I was annoying. I reflected and I felt I was clingy so he was right... but deep in my heart I knew... this relationship is not going to work because you just can't blatantly tell your gf she is annoying for worrying about your health.
And he then never picked up my calls anymore.... until ... when he needed money.
5. Presence. In order for the relationship to work, each other's presence is so important. He was not there - at all. It was only me who showed presence. Because of that, I was so insecure of the relationship. So when I did have security... I kept asking myself.. what kind of relationship do I want and am I having it now?
Long distance relationship works if both parties were present... the desire to want the relationship.
6. Accept myself. I knew he was somewhat dominated by me. I have wider experiences. Wider knowledge on stuff. And to be frank, I don't mind because I accepted for what he is. It's ok if he was just a village boy. It's ok if he has so many problems going on because I accept for what he is.
But I cannot accept that I need to be domesticated to fit into your reign. Couple is supposed to complement each other not to subdue to your liking. I have mentioned so many times I am learning from this relationship so teach/guide me to become more feminine if I were too masculine.
Sometimes you can't settle for less. You need to stick to your standard or upgrade it. It's ok if no female or male will drop by. Just force a cat or dog to stay with you. You will be so much happier. Except you have been told off that those standards or beliefs are so not beneficial then you got to change. But if someone says you are going to be alone forever if you don't get a guy now so grab any guys... then don't listen. That advise is not wise. My friend recently got married for the first time at age 53.
So hell yea... I learnt a lot from the relationship and so everything happened for a reason. Of course I should apologise to him too which I did but he kept droning on it's my fault for the breakup. And I can't help it.
The saddest part was to find out that he didn't even say anything to fix the relationship. Not even a sentence to say if we could start over. Nothing.
But of course I have to accept that he did love me in his own way. Perhaps... he loves me so much that he is willing to let me go instead of seeing me continuing hurt. Well... I don't remember what I wrote exactly in that two pages but it was a real mad woman's reflection and zero derogatory words and how hurt I were. Or.. he chose to preserve his ego over to fight for something he wants. Perhaps.. he just wants money from me...
My psychic friend actually predicted that the relationship will end in December 2014... I even thought of breaking up at that time when I was with him because he kept pressuring me to marry him when he was jobless and lots of uncertainty in his future. And he never even bothered to assure me... just marry and have kids. And I don't want kids!
What I learnt the most is.. love actually ... really cannot conquers all challenges. It's rare now to hear princess staying with a pauper... It doesn't work that way anymore.
Study and reflection
Sunday. 7.19.15 10:45 am
After much reflection, all I wanted is to study without any worries of not having enough money to pay my tuition fees or I will be wasting my money for paying such an expensive course when my results are crap. The utmost thing I wanna do is to study without having to meet deadlines. This is what I wanted most for my current study course. Is it impossible?
I have been reflecting about what I don't like about my life and what I want to change. And mum said I am playing victim, and I should just go back to praying, which I did.
But still I want to study at my own pace. Why is society so crazy about meeting deadlines? And then when we are at our own deadlines, we tell god to extend our deadlines. So much of meeting deadlines that we are so scared of dying.
Thursday. 7.16.15 11:43 pm
It's the Eid Aidilfitri celebration and I am not invited to any open house this year?!
This is bad. I usually have invitations to open house but this year is ZERO! Did people not having open house due to the higher standard of living? Yea, I understand. I only have some meagre money to survive until next payday which is like 10 days away.
Gulp. I wonder how is everyone else's doing. Especially the ones with family. If a single girl like me can barely survive until the next payday... imagine those with kids. And what's worse... it's the Muslim's new year. People would want to spend on new clothes and what not for the new year.
What's life if we can't live freely?
Selamat Hari Raya and Maaf Zahir Batin, nonetheless.
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